FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING>

Emily1107

My FMIL and I have never seen eye to eye. We are different in every way. She is very much a country girl and I am all city. She has these awful ideas for the wedding and rehearsal. She is from a small town and has always said ideas that are very small town and not to be rude "red neck". I've said all along I want the wedding to be very elegant and traditional.

My parents are paying for the reception so she really doesn't have a say in it. But the rehearsal dinner is a whole new story. She wants it held in our garage!!!!!! Really we live on a busier street and we do have a 4 car garage but come on that's not a good idea. I shouldn't have to worry about having all those people at our house the day before the wedding!!! We live in Sioux City IA not a big town and things are not that expensive. There are plenty of restaurants we could have it at and it would be very nice.

I know it's suppose to be the groom's family that plans the rehearsal dinner but am I being unreasonable for saying no to this??

aerinpegadrak

Unless she's living there too, she can't force you to have it in your garage.  It's perfectly valid for you to say, "We're not really comfortable having all those people at the house the day before the wedding."

However, if she's paying for the RD, it's her party, and it's a separate event from the wedding.  That means she can do it in whatever style she sees fit.  Plenty of people have very casual RDs and very formal weddings.  It WOULD be unreasonable for you to object to her plans just because it's not exactly what you want.

hlq2011

If she's hosting, she has control over the RD.  Your FI - I stress, your fiance, not you - can try to discuss with her a way to blend your vision with her plans, but if she refuses to budge, you're stuck.  (Other than, as aerin said, she doesn't get to demand the use of your home for her party.)

If you don't like what she's planning, you are free to turn down her offer to host and pay for the RD yourself.  Money = control.

Emily1107

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:123df762-9c02-4575-bf7e-58a290648826">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]Unless she's living there too, she can't force you to have it in your garage.  It's perfectly valid for you to say, "We're not really comfortable having all those people at the house the day before the wedding." However, if she's paying for the RD, it's her party, and it's a separate event from the wedding.  That means she can do it in whatever style she sees fit.  Plenty of people have very casual RDs and very formal weddings.  It WOULD be unreasonable for you to object to her plans just because it's not exactly what you want.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

She doesn't live there it is my FI and my house. I don't care if it's not a big event because that's what the wedding is for but I'm just more concerened of having to worry about it being at our house the day before. Setting up, cleaning, weather problems, cleaning after it's over, having all the people in the house to use bathroom and such. I would rather not have the stress the day before the wedding.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:5e788c1a-499f-47e7-9f86-ad903776d68a">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING /> : She doesn't live there it is my FI and my house. I don't care if it's not a big event because that's what the wedding is for but I'm just more concerened of having to worry about it being at our house the day before. Setting up, cleaning, weather problems, cleaning after it's over, having all the people in the house to use bathroom and such. I would rather not have the stress the day before the wedding.
Posted by Emily1107[/QUOTE]
And as I said, that's all perfectly legit.  If you approach her from that angle and don't make any mention of the style of event she wants to host, she should be more receptive.  If she can't afford anything other than doing it out of someone's home, then you can offer to pay for part or all of it yourself.

Emily1107

Money isn't a problem. They are well off. She just likes to be in control. They also offered to help pay for things in the wedding so my FI and I asked her for an amount they will help so we know the rest of our budget. Her answer was it depends on how much things cost.

She is all for paying for things if it's her idea or she likes it but if she is against it she isn't going to help pay. It's making the planning harder on us because we don't know how much she is paying and how much we will have left to pay for. She booked our DJ for us at the last Bridal Fair we attended and that was a good step and we both agreed. But I would still like to know an amount for the rest!

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:729afbd7-4eee-462f-90c4-daf40179fd70">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]Money isn't a problem. They are well off. She just likes to be in control. They also offered to help pay for things in the wedding so my FI and I asked her for an amount they will help so we know the rest of our budget. Her answer was it depends on how much things cost. She is all for paying for things if it's her idea or she likes it but if she is against it she isn't going to help pay. It's making the planning harder on us because we don't know how much she is paying and how much we will have left to pay for. She booked our DJ for us at the last Bridal Fair we attended and that was a good step and we both agreed. But I would still like to know an amount for the rest!
Posted by Emily1107[/QUOTE]
In that case, it's probably better to plan as if she weren't paying at all, and then accept any contributions as a pleasant surprise.  Just because she's well off doesn't mean she's inclined to spend money on your wedding, and it's probably best to establish now that she can't just buy her way into getting what she wants from you.  Otherwise it will be offering to put a down payment on the house she wants you in, offering to pay tuition for the private school of her choice for your children...  It's much easier to break an established relationship pattern before the wedding than after.

DNAtime

Aerin has given you some excellent advice. No one can force you to have guests in your house.  So just tell them no on using your house and accept the RD that she plans.

Definitely set some boundaries and plan on not using her money.  This will be an issue in your future, especially if you all will have kids.

Kristin789

>>My FMIL and I have never seen eye to eye. We are different in every way.

Of course.  She's much older than you and comes from a different background.  Why would you expect to be best friends with FMIL?  If you didn't know her and you two took the same cooking class at the local grocery store, you wouldn't even choose to SIT with her, much less make friends with her.  She's NOT your friend.  She's FMIL.

>>She has these awful ideas for the wedding and rehearsal.
 
How do you know that?
If she says something to your FI, he should instantly respond:  "Oh Mom, you know Mr. and Mrs. 1107 are hosting the wedding, and I'm sure they will make the best decisions that they can.  Now, our side hosts the RD.  Let's talk about that!"  And he should not run back and tell you all about her awful ideas, because he has put on his big boy pants and handled the situation.
If she says something to you, you need to instantly respond, "Oh FMIL, you know my parents are hosting the wedding, and I'm sure they will make the best decisions that they can."  And then scale back the contact time with her.

>>I know it's suppose to be the groom's family that plans the rehearsal dinner but am I being unreasonable for saying no to this??

Your FI is IN the groom's family, and he is supposed to be working with his mother on the RD.  If FMIL suggested GARAGE, he should have instantly said, "No, Mom, we cannot have it in the GARAGE.  Let's make a list of four restaurants who could host the RD and go from there."  And he should never have run back and told you all about how she's pushing to have the RD in the GARAGE, because he has put on his big boy pants and handled the situation.

You don't have a FMIL problem.  You have a FI problem.

Catwoman708

You and your DF  tell her that you cannot handle a party at your house the day before the wedding, it's simply too stressful.  Tell her if money is a problem you/your family can contribute to a restaurant bill, something inexpensive and simple is fine. 

And give her the minimum number of people that must be invited (the parents and those that are in the WP, and their SOs).    There are often very different ideas between hosts and the other family on whom/how any to invite. If anyone wants extra people invited, you have to clear it with the hosts, and be prepared to pay the extra.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:729afbd7-4eee-462f-90c4-daf40179fd70">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]Money isn't a problem. They are well off. She just likes to be in control. They also offered to help pay for things in the wedding so my FI and I asked her for an amount they will help so we know the rest of our budget. Her answer was it depends on how much things cost. <strong>She is all for paying for things if it's her idea or she likes it but if she is against it she isn't going to help pay. It's making the planning harder on us because we don't know how much she is paying and how much we will have left to pay for. She booked our DJ for us at the last Bridal Fair we attended and that was a good step and we both agreed. But I would still like to know an amount for the rest!
</strong>Posted by Emily1107[/QUOTE]

So you're spending money you don't even have yet? That always works out well.

deepcovejackie

Emily, I think you should plan the wedding you can afford, and look at any monetary contribution from your FMIL as a bonus.  She is not obligated to pay for any part of your event, not even the RD.  You can host the RD on your own, and just make it a casual event.

Emily1107

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:4e9bc1f9-a578-4c27-9eb4-805beb68de55">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE] />>My FMIL and I have never seen eye to eye. We are different in every way. Of course.  She's much older than you and comes from a different background.  Why would you expect to be best friends with FMIL?  If you didn't know her and you two took the same cooking class at the local grocery store, you wouldn't even choose to SIT with her, much less make friends with her.  She's NOT your friend.  She's FMIL. >>She has these awful ideas for the wedding and rehearsal.   How do you know that? If she says something to your FI, he should instantly respond:  "Oh Mom, you know Mr. and Mrs. 1107 are hosting the wedding, and I'm sure they will make the best decisions that they can.  Now, our side hosts the RD.  Let's talk about that!"  And he should not run back and tell you all about her awful ideas, because he has put on his big boy pants and handled the situation. If she says something to you, you need to instantly respond, "Oh FMIL, you know my parents are hosting the wedding, and I'm sure they will make the best decisions that they can."  And then scale back the contact time with her. >>I know it's suppose to be the groom's family that plans the rehearsal dinner but am I being unreasonable for saying no to this?? Your FI is IN the groom's family, and he is supposed to be working with his mother on the RD.  If FMIL suggested GARAGE, he should have instantly said, "No, Mom, we cannot have it in the GARAGE.  Let's make a list of four restaurants who could host the RD and go from there."  And he should never have run back and told you all about how she's pushing to have the RD in the GARAGE, because he has put on his big boy pants and handled the situation. You don't have a FMIL problem.  You have a FI problem.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

It's not a FI problem because she comes to me with all these and he does say to her the garage isn't going to work but then she tries to make him feel guilty and puts him in between us. And she comes to me with these ideas. I was nice and invited her to the bridal fair I went to and she shared her ideas with me and I did tell her my parents are paying for the reception so this is how we will have it. My Fi isn't running back to me telling me things he honestly is trying to make both of us happy but it's hard when she is saying I'll pay for this and this but I have to basically approve it first.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:131b5a34-49af-4961-a190-364651beddcd">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING /> : It's not a FI problem because she comes to me with all these and he does say to her the garage isn't going to work but then she tries to make him feel guilty and puts him in between us. And she comes to me with these ideas. I was nice and invited her to the bridal fair I went to and she shared her ideas with me and I did tell her my parents are paying for the reception so this is how we will have it. My Fi isn't running back to me telling me things he honestly is trying to make both of us happy but it's hard when <strong>she is saying I'll pay for this and this but I have to basically approve it first.
</strong>Posted by Emily1107[/QUOTE]

Money=power in this case.  The person that pays, gets the say.  So in that case, your FMIL is correct.  That's why I gave you the advice that I did.

Emily1107

Ok the money comments this has nothing to do with money and zitiqueen we do have the money put away for this. But i'm not sure how much of our own we are having to spend since she wont give us an amount. I never once asked her for money. She said a couple years ago she wasn't paying for ANYTHING so my FI and I have planned and saved for it. But now out of no where she says she will pay for things but won't tell us an amount she will give us so we don't know how much of our own money we will be spending. The RD she is saying we are in charge of so we get to plan it the way we want. In no way have I asked her for anything or made her feel like she HAS to do it. But she likes to be in control of the situation.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:108c01ae-1cc4-42b0-92b5-bf309a3b45ed">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]Ok the money comments this has nothing to do with money and zitiqueen we do have the money put away for this. But i'm not sure how much of our own we are having to spend since she wont give us an amount. I never once asked her for money. She said a couple years ago she wasn't paying for ANYTHING so my FI and I have planned and saved for it. But now out of no where she says she will pay for things but won't tell us an amount she will give us so we don't know how much of our own money we will be spending. The RD she is saying we are in charge of so we get to plan it the way we want. In no way have I asked her for anything or made her feel like she HAS to do it. <strong>But she likes to be in control of the situation.
</strong>Posted by Emily1107[/QUOTE]

Again:   money = control.  If you want her out of your hair, decline her money and plan for what you guys can afford.  It DOES have to do with money.  Her financial contribution is giving her control.

Emily1107

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:e26390d8-be6b-41cb-90d4-c6376d51b720">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING /> : Again:   money = control.  If you want her out of your hair, decline her money and plan for what you guys can afford.  It DOES have to do with money.  Her financial contribution is giving her control.
Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]

Thank you. Yes money in the way you are saying is an issue. My FI and I have talked and we both agreed if she is too pushy with her ways and having it the way she wants we will just decline because its "our" wedding not hers.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:9f66162a-9762-40aa-828e-48d3bf6f2788">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING /> : Thank you. Yes money in the way you are saying is an issue. My FI and I have talked and we both agreed if she is too pushy with her ways and having it the way she wants we will just decline because its "our" wedding not hers.
Posted by Emily1107[/QUOTE]

Amen.  ((cue the choir))  Have a great wedding, on your own terms!!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dont-agree-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:51afbd64-02d9-4b8f-8d19-297f196811cbPost:108c01ae-1cc4-42b0-92b5-bf309a3b45ed">Re: FMIL and I don't agree on ANYTHING></a>:
[QUOTE]Ok the money comments this has nothing to do with money and zitiqueen <strong>we do have the money put away for this. But i'm not sure how much of our own we are having to spend since she wont give us an amount.</strong> I never once asked her for money. She said a couple years ago she wasn't paying for ANYTHING so my FI and I have planned and saved for it. But now out of no where she says she will pay for things but won't tell us an amount she will give us so we don't know how much of our own money we will be spending. The RD she is saying we are in charge of so we get to plan it the way we want. In no way have I asked her for anything or made her feel like she HAS to do it. But she likes to be in control of the situation.
Posted by Emily1107[/QUOTE]

Until she hands you the cash, assume that you're <em>only</em> spending your money. Like a PP said, if (big if) she gives you any money, it'll be a bonus. Don't count on her giving you any money until the money is in your hand.

kurzkh

Wow, this sounds like myself and my FMIL! Its so frustrating. We haven't discussed rehearsal dinner so I am waiting for something crazy, like she wants to have a Potluck dinner and ask all the guests to bring food or she'll bring in KFC family meals for everyone. 

I think you and the FI need to discuss with her the concerns of having guests in the house prior to the wedding. I'd be stressed too. Having to clean the garage and house for the dinner would be a lot. Would she 100% coordinate all the vendors or would you be expected to do that on top of everything else? Since you live on a busier street, could the guests safely park their cars and get to/from the house? Would street noise disrupt the celebration that she wants to host? Since you mentioned that you both mutually agreed upon the DJ, is there anyway you could bring her to a nice restaurant for lunch or dinner in town and suggest the venue would be a great spot for the RD?

As far as the money is concerned, would you want to be obligated to FMIL if she did give you money towards the wedding? I would imagine if you're anything like myself, I'd rather do without her money, comments and expectations, to plan the wedding I want (and with more of my sanity in tact!). 

Hopefully you all can come up with a mutually agreeable compromise but it sounds like you'll continue to have power plays throughout your marriage. Just remember that you both love your FI and in the long run, are you there to continue to control the situation or be with the one you love? Smacking her on her hypothetical wrist to show her that you're right and she's wrong, sounds exhausting to me.