my fmil is causing major issues!!!

Lrichardson8984

My fiance and I have been engaged for 9 months, we were together for 10 months before getting engaged, and friends for almost 2 years before dating.  I did not meet his mother until we had been together for a few months, and at first things were fine.  She was very friendly to both me and my son, but as my fiance and I got more serious and he started spending more time with us, and eventually moved in, she became more cold to me.  She was used to him coming over 3-4 times a week for dinner during which she would vent all of her marital and financial issues, in addition to saying horrible things about his siblings.  She expected him to take an hour or more out of his work days to take and pick up his 26 year old sister from college.  As he started going there less (he continued dinners once a week) she would say things like "i sure would like to know when I'm going to see my son again."  She has been married I believe 5 times, and did not raise him or his brother, she left them with their Dad.  She never invites all of us over other than holidays, just wants my fiance there.  Last year she became overly involved in a custody issue involving her daughter and granddaughter, and my fiance chose to side with the father of his niece rather than his sister.  His mother and him shared a cell phone plan, so she blocked the fathers number and fathers attorney from calling my fiance's phone.  This woman is so manipulative and deceitful, its scary.  Enough with her manipulative background though.  From the get go, she has been very cold about our engagement.  I have tried involving her from the start and basically gotten the cold shoulder.  She now refused to even acknowledge me when I send her emails.  Instead calls my fiance (who is clueless to alot of the wedding details) to talk to him.  She is intentionally causing issues and trying to create a rift between my fiance and I.  She went so far as to change her phone number (which i very very very rarely used) and told my fiance "disguise this in your phone so your woman can't have it"  I am just disgusted.  The worst part?  My fiance refuses to stand up to her for me.  I dont know what to do and I am at my witt's end!!!  Am I wrong to ask him to put his foot down?  Im not meaning in a rude manner.  Just gently and kindly ask her to please respect me and try to get to know me to accept me.  Im not asking to be loved like a daughter, I just want civility.  I am very family oriented and dont want to create tension at future family events.

Lrichardson8984

After the cell phone blocking incident, he seemed to open his eyes to how manipulative she is, not just to him, but to everybody in her life.  They did not speak for 3 months after this, and at that time he said it didn't matter, all he needed was his Dad, and me and my son.  Then he decided to try to mend the bridge, spent about 4 hours over there talking with his mom and step dad.  He claims to have at that time asserted himself as a an adult with his own family, and I believed him.  Shortly after we stopped over there together with my son.  10 minutes after arriving she had to go to the kitchen, my fiance followed her, they stayed gone for almost 45 minutes (yes, i timed it becaue i was extremely uncomfortable) after which we left.  My fiance was completely oblivious and said "see now that wasn't so bad was it?"  Since then, we have not been invited back, she will only call my fiance during his work hours and tries to get him to basically "sneak" over there behind my back.  He doesn't go there.  He's just a very non confrontational person, which is great in some circumstances.  I just don't feel this is one of them.  He feels I am being irrational and that we should just let it be because its just the way she is.

Knottie_22382102

The solution to this starts with an ultimatum to your FI.

My FMIL and I used to get along very well. I used to call her "Mom". At some point, she became very manipulative and if she doesn't agree with a decision we make about our lives, she convinces him it's a bad idea and tells him what to say to me, it starts a fight, we come to the same conclusion, and then she comes to attack me in person. She didn't like a house we considered buying, flipped out and didn't talk to me for 2 months (she talked to him).

When we bought our house, she decided she was moving in with us and when we weren't comfortable with that, she made our lives miserable and really came between us and almost broke us up. He wasn't defending me. If anyone says anything about his mother he gets defensive of her instead.  I told him he asked me to be his wife and he needs to treat like I am one and that means to support our relationship, the decisions we make, and me.  If he wants to choose her, he can live with her. He chose me.

Immediately after, we invited her to come over to try to settle the issues because Christmas was 2 weeks later. She came and tried to manipulate him right in front of me. She told him how selfish I am and she used ridiculous  examples like how I post things he does for me on FB and he never posts about what I do so I must do nothing (um all he posts are sports scores).... that's just overly BS and she knows it.... He started to see it a lot more obviously and he is 100% supportive of me now. I would've postponed or cancelled the wedding if we couldn't get through that.

I also stopped allowing her to treat me that way and I changed the way that I communicate with her too. Anything negative to communicate to her - he tells her. Any time she starts to get nasty with me, I change the topic or tell her I'm uncomfortable talking to her about whatever. If I don't have something to say that isn't what she wants to hear, I don't say it. I go out of my way to be nice to her.

Someday we will have her grandkids. He loves his mother. I try to treat be respectful of that.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-fmil-is-causing-major-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:545a58f7-2930-4b12-96a8-27865f6a676aPost:baf541ab-3c5c-4b5e-ac4e-e88166a66a63">my fmil is causing major issues!!!</a>:
[QUOTE] The worst part?  My fiance refuses to stand up to her for me.
Posted by Lrichardson8984[/QUOTE]

No, the worst part is that you're still considering marrying someone who doesn't think you deserve to be treated with basic human decency.  I guess you could give him an ultimatum, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who needs it explained to him that it's not acceptable for him to let his mom treat you like this?

ladytori

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. But, do you really want to marry a guy that wouldn't stand up for you?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-fmil-is-causing-major-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:545a58f7-2930-4b12-96a8-27865f6a676aPost:baf541ab-3c5c-4b5e-ac4e-e88166a66a63">my fmil is causing major issues!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been engaged for 9 months, we were together for 10 months before getting engaged, and friends for almost 2 years before dating.  I did not meet his mother until we had been together for a few months, and at first things were fine.  She was very friendly to both me and my son, but as my fiance and I got more serious and he started spending more time with us, and eventually moved in, she became more cold to me.  She was used to him coming over 3-4 times a week for dinner during which she would vent all of her marital and financial issues, in addition to saying horrible things about his siblings.  She expected him to take an hour or more out of his work days to take and pick up his 26 year old sister from college.  As he started going there less (he continued dinners once a week) she would say things like "i sure would like to know when I'm going to see my son again."  She has been married I believe 5 times, and did not raise him or his brother, she left them with their Dad.  She never invites all of us over other than holidays, just wants my fiance there.  Last year she became overly involved in a custody issue involving her daughter and granddaughter, and my fiance chose to side with the father of his niece rather than his sister.  His mother and him shared a cell phone plan, so she blocked the fathers number and fathers attorney from calling my fiance's phone.  This woman is so manipulative and deceitful, its scary.  Enough with her manipulative background though.  From the get go, she has been very cold about our engagement.  I have tried involving her from the start and basically gotten the cold shoulder.  She now refused to even acknowledge me when I send her emails.  Instead calls my fiance (who is clueless to alot of the wedding details) to talk to him.  She is intentionally causing issues and trying to create a rift between my fiance and I.  She went so far as to change her phone number (which i very very very rarely used) and told my fiance "disguise this in your phone so your woman can't have it"  I am just disgusted.  The worst part?  My fiance refuses to stand up to her for me.  I dont know what to do and I am at my witt's end!!!  Am I wrong to ask him to put his foot down?  Im not meaning in a rude manner.  Just gently and kindly ask her to please respect me and try to get to know me to accept me.  Im not asking to be loved like a daughter, I just want civility.  I am very family oriented and dont want to create tension at future family events.
Posted by Lrichardson8984[/QUOTE]

He's showing you with his actions where you rank in his life. You're not first. Do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of that?

lyndsay782

FIrst thing I think your FI needs to do, is stop the behind the back nonsense.  He can't prevent her from calling, but he can simply hang up, and call her back when you are in his presence.  Non-confrontational simply means it doesn't bother him enough to so anything about it.  

I get that for most of his life she was gone, and now that she shows some interest, he feels kind of special, and that's not ok.  Talk to his Dad, and talk to your pastor/priest/counselor prior to getting married. 

The Mommy issues are only going to get worse once you two have your own kids. 

erinlin25

Man my FI can be a "mama's boy," but he ALWAYS puts me first and we have a united front if we disagree with his mom.  Men like this exist. No matter how much you love your FI, he needs to stand up to his mother and defend you.  The way she is treating you is just sad. 

[Deleted User]

I'm engaged to a Mama's boy myself but we both put each other first before anyone else. The one and only time that I had a disagreement with FMIL which ended with me in tears my FI physically stood in front of me and told his Mom to apologize for what she said or we were leaving. There's never been a problem after that. One time my father, back when he was in my life, tried to get in my FI's face for whatever reason so I threw him out of the house. No one disrespects my FI. This is how your FI should be. Until he grows a backbone you should postpone the wedding.

Lrichardson8984

i really appreciate all of the input, thank you.  i know alot of people suggested calling off the wedding, but that is not as easy as it sounds, nor is it an option I am even willing to consider.  Since I have posted my FI has had a sit down talk with his mother, for which I was not present for.  From what I have gathered...it was basically the same ordeal as usual.  She plays a nice, loving, doting mother and then manipulates him.  He came home and wanted to change our dessert bar plans (our wedding is less than 2 mos away).  She has started contacting him in the evenings...but is now trying to dictate flower girl plans (her granddaughter is a flower girl) and my FI and I have just went with it to avoid issues.  She said she wanted to have a sit down dinner to discuss wedding plans and help me organize.  My mother has already done that,  not to mention my parents have paid several thousands of dollars for our wedding already.  I said that I would be more than happy to sit down and go over the plans with her, but either at our house or in a neutral place, and that I am not willing to change any plans because deposits are paid and its less than 2 months out. if she wanted to be involved she should have done so the first 50 times I asked.  She wouldnt even provide me with a simple number of how many invites I needed to order for her side of the family.  I tried to involve this woman from day 1.  Asked for advice on decorations, themes, food, desserts, my dress, invited her to see possible venues with us. She would have no part.  She has openly admitted that because she left my FI as a baby and did not raise him, she feels guilty and the need to make that time up.  There are times where it seems like my FI "sees the light" and isnt blinded by her manipulation...then as soon as he spends time alone with her he comes home and its well she's just trying to help and we havent involved her enough.

Lrichardson8984

in addition to my last post.  We were conveniently invited to Easter this year, when we were not invited to Christmas or Thanksgiving.  I said I will not be having any discussions about our wedding that day, because those discussions really need to happen outside of her home.  Anytime she feels like my FI may put his foot down about something, she insists on discussing things in her home because she knows its her territory.  My FI told me I need to "chill out" and just talk about the wedding, and that he doesnt want to talk about things with his mom anymore.

Lrichardson8984

My parents know the majority of it, and they also know how passive and non confrontational my fiance is.  They say he needs to politely tell her to respect our plans and gently remind her that she was invited to participate in the beginning and she chose not to, which is fine, and that while we appreciate her input, its just too late in the game to change things.  We do not have children together, I do however have a son who just turned 6 and my FI is the only father he has ever really known.  My FI is fully aware of her manipulation tactics. We just bought a home together but I am not listed as an owner due to loan guidelines as I am paid directly from my grandparents, so my income wasn't countable.  My FI openly said that we need to have a legal document stating that is my home (as morbid as this is) in case something terrible would ever happen, because he knows his mom would swoop in and create issues.  We will be meeting with a pastor in the next week and I have already told him I fully intend on bringing this up, which he fully agreed to.  We had a discussion the other day where he admitted that maybe sometimes he doesnt always trust a woman's input as truthful because all his mother has tried to do most of his life is manipulate him.

button6004

OP, I think you are setting yourself up for a very, very hard life of always being second fiddle to his mother.