Moms and Maids

Mother of the Groom in the Bridal Room?

What is the etiquette for the MOG being the Bridal room when the bride is getting ready?  My soon to be mother-in-law insists she should be there and that is how it is done.  She stresses me out and tries to take over every situation.  I want that time with my mom and my bridesmaids. My husband understands this and has requested that she help him, but she insists on being in my room.  FYI, this is an island wedding.  It is suppose to be laid back, not traditional.  

Re: Mother of the Groom in the Bridal Room?

  • I suggest letting her be in the room for a couple of pictures and then have the photographer ask her to be with her son for mother-son pictures.  Talk to your photographer ahead of time and see if they'll be able to help you out.
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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am a MOB and am about to to be a MOG.

    I would never presume to be somewhere with the bride just prior to the ceremony.  I certainly would never ask, let alone insist.  My son, however, in his naive and fairly clueless way, did make the assumption that I would be spending time with his bride before the ceremony.  Needless to say, I had to fill him in.

    All brides are different.  Some may actually prefer/enjoy the commotion/distraction of seeing people prior to walking down the aisle.  I have been to only 3 immediate family weddings.  In each case, all brides, including my daughter, preferred some calm just before walking up the aisle. 

    Typically, that time just prior to the ceremony is used to take many of the pictures with the grooms family.  The MOG should keep busy with that, and attending to any needs her son and family may need.  In our case, the MOG was distracted because one of her in-laws was beyond late, and holding up the start of the ceremony.

    I respectfully disagree with jagore.  If there is ever a time where a bride's decision should be respected, it is at this particular moment just prior to the ceremony.  Traditional or casual, your fiance needs to firmly but politely explain that those minutes belong to you, and you alone. 

  • I'd go with something along the lines of "MOG, FI can't imagine getting ready without his mom, it would really mean a lot to both of us if you could spend some time with him that morning."  Then maybe invite her to join you at a specific time, say, after hair and makeup is done and just as you're about to put your dress on?  You'll basically be ready by then, but she'll still get to be a part of things, somewhat.
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  • I actually kind of assumed that my FI's mom would be with us while getting ready, at least for some of the time. I'm very close with my FMIL and know that she'd want to be in to just see how things are going. At a wedding I was recently in, MOG dresses with the bridesmaids but then went down to see her son before the bride was dressed. If you really don't want her there, you could say something to her, or like PP suggested, invite her at a certain time, either early on or closer to the ceremony for a toast or something. 
  • Get ready with whoever YOU want to get ready with. My FMIL will not be getting ready with us. I just want my girls and mom.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 2012
    My MIL was in the room with me along with 14 other people (9 BMs, 2 SILs, 2 moms and 2 photographers).   At that point what was one more?

    In the end it's up to you.  Maybe pick a time where she can pop-in, but then has to be somewhere for pictures with the groom?  Photographers are good at stuff like that.

    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 2012
    This isn't an etiquette issue. There are no rules. Getting dressed is an intimate sort of thing and the bride gets to decide who is there. If you're dead-set against having her there, you'll have to be firm. Tell them this is a special, private moment for you and your mom. I'd leave out the part about the bms being there. It is abosolutely your right to make this decision, but....

    IMO, it's probably better to compromise a bit. This will work best if someone will be driving her to wherever you and your mom will be getting dressed. Make sure the driver (your fi or limo driver) knows that she should arrive at X time, no earlier. Then you and your mom can be ready when she gets there, you can pin her corsage on her. Make sure the photographer takes a picture of this so FMIL has a memento.

    ETA - As the mother of adults I, personally, would want to spend that time before the wedding with my child, whether it's the bride or the groom.
  • DD invited her MIL but MIL didn't come, it would have been fine if she had because we all get along very well.  DDIL did not invite me to join them but that was ok, I did my own thing. I went and got my make-up done, the groom & groomsmen all got dressed at our house so I went home and had food ready for them while they got ready.

    Speaking as a MIL - if you don't want her there, don't invite her. Yes, if DDIL had invited me I would have gone, we get along really well with her and her family but I knew she wanted to have that special time with her mom and her bridesmaids and that was fine. I was a tiny bit disappointed but in the scheme of my whole life that disappointment lasted about 5 seconds.

    This is my theory and it may really sound smart A$$ but well... don't invite her if you don't want her there. She'll either get over it or she won't - either way it will be her decision. Do not let her cause you stress and put a damper on your day. She's an adult, she can adjust - or not - BUT it's on her, not you.

  • I would definitely disagree with your FMIL about that being "the way it's done."  Of the weddings I've been in, I've only seem the MIL in the room a few times.  If you don't want her there, don't feel obligated to do so!
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    My MIL came to the bridal suite after I was dressed and ready to go.  I didn't know that she was going to stop by, I figured she would be spending the time before the wedding with her son but I was wrong.  At that point during the day I could have cared less who was in the room and who wasn't, I was just ready to get married.  But if you do not want her to be in the room with you then you have every right to tell her no.  Have your FI help you out and have him talk with his Mom and tell her that he would prefer she be with him before the ceremony.

    On a side note, I never understood why a parent of a child wouldn't want to be spending time with them before the ceremony.  If I was the MOG I would want to be spending time with my son, if I was the MOB I would want to be spendning time with my daughter.  I just don't get MOG's who feel they have a right and/or would want to spend time with their FDIL instead of their own child prior to the ceremony.
  • i would say it is up to you.My  MIL will be at my parents house, along with my two best friends, 3 bridesmaids, 2 nieces, and a aunt or two.. not to mention, my mom and dad! however, i will just be getting dresses by myself and my mom and sister. everyone will be downstairs waiting for me to come down. I want the time with my mom and sis.. .but want my future MIL and SIL's to enjoy to. we are already like family so i want them included..
    that being said.. what it comes down to is WHAT YOU WANT.
    stick to it.. all will work out fine!!!

    good luck!
  • I've never heard of this.

    If I were you, I'd say something outrageous like:
    "Oh FMIL, we have a serious religious tradition with a series of prayers for the bride and the bride's family and attendants at that time.  We can't have anyone from the groom's family there during the prayers."
  • In Response to <a href="">Re: Mother of the Groom in the Bridal Room?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've never heard of this. If I were you, I'd say something outrageous like: "Oh FMIL, we have a serious religious tradition with a series of prayers for the bride and the bride's family and attendants at that time.  We can't have anyone from the groom's family there during the prayers."
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
    Nothing like just flat out lying about it.
  • It's definitely not traditional.  I'm with PPs that if there is ever a time for a bride to get what she wants it's when she's half naked in a room full of people!  I would not have been comfortable with MIL in the room while I was getting dressed (and I love my MIL).  My photog also stepped out of the room for the ACTUAL putting on the dress - (mom and BMs were still there, but I'm fine with them seeing me in my underwear) he came back in when I was covered and photographed me getting zipped up and getting the veil on, that sort of thing.

    My MIL was with us at the salon in the morning but then went back to her hotel to get dressed and then met H and his guys at the church to do the before photos.  Maybe your FI can impose on her just how important it is to him that she be with HIM?  that way you're not telling her you don't want her there.  But if it comes down to it I think you need to stand your ground, even if it means hurting her feelings :-/
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