Is it me?

PattySmith101

hey everyone!

ok this techinically isnt a mom ? .
My mom passed away when i was 17 <14 years ago />  It realy sucks trying to plan a wedding when i know all the things that your supposed to do with your mom and i dont' get to.
 i have a large family but its mostly brother < 5 brothers /> i have a sister but she lives in another state and is 7 years older than me and has 3 kids so shes already super busy! ... she got married 15 years ago so she got to do all this with my mom.i am the youngest so even my brothers are all married and have kids!
the problem is my dad .... i invite him to do wedding related things and he always says no... i asked him if he wanted to tour the venue we choose when we went to book and he said " why would i want to do that" mean while my fi's parents came with us, his mom looked the information up on line, printed out all the info on the website, came with lots of questions , really intrested, his dad just wanted to know when the bar would be open lol < j/k about his dad /> but if i dont invite my dad  he acts like we are insulting him and not including him and then he says oh i never see you...
i get my feelings hurt when he says no!
am i being oversensitive thinking he should want to come and do these things with me! I know dads dont usually want to get involved but i feel like he should want to since i dont have my mom to help!

Stayc516

I would as him why he gets hurt if you don't ask but then always declines when you do. That would irritate me. I would tell him that he is always welcome to come to any of the wedding appointments once you mention it to him  without really asking him. For example "We are going to look at venues today. I think you would like this one." but leave it at that. If he wants to go then he should say so. I would enjoy spending the "mom" side of it with your FMIL. It sounds like she enjoys it.

LoveMuffins

I have a simple thing that I do whenever someone does something like that to me.

"I invited you. If you want to be included, you have to come to things when I invite you. Or you can call me and invite me to spend time with you. I'd be very happy with either option."

Maggie0829

First, I think you need to tell him why you want him to be involved and that it hurts your feelings when he always declines to come.  When he says that he never sees you, you need to remind him of all the times you asked for his input and help and company.  What he is doing to you is very unfair and hurtful.  I think you need to have a discussion with him about this before you get any further into the planning process.

BTW, I think it is very nice that your FILs are so helpful...it is really sweet of them!

SSaltzman87

I'd be irritated too, I second LoveMuffins' suggestion.

lnl1025

Maybe he doesnt want to go because it will remind him of your mom missing everything and it's painful for him? Perhaps if you just take him out for dinner, and spend some time with him and talk about it, you'll understand his perspective and he can understand yours , and you'd be spending time together. Let him know how important it is to you that he is there with you during this time.But also be understanding if it is painful for him because of your mother not being around. Dads are way more sensitive than we tend to give them credit for. Just a thought, hope it helps

JessicaCrystalGailAmerson

im in the same position. my mom lost her battle with breast cancer when i was seven. and it does get really hard sometimes when i know she cant be here with me to do this. My dads kinda distant when it comes to the wedding. but the way i see it is ur his little girl and when u go down that aisle its gonna make him feel sad that ur moms not there for you or to sit beside him and watch u exchange vows.. and maybe the planning makes him realize that more now than before. have a heart to heart u might suprised at the outcome.

Miranda2911

Isn't it common for dads to be pretty indifferent to wedding details and also feel like they are losing their daughters in the process? I think it is fairly commonf or your dad to feel like he is losing you, and increased time with in laws might make him depressed without him actually analyzing why. What about asking him what parts of the wedding he is interested in and really ask for his help with those things? (Men seem to be very interested in food and guest lists, at least in my family.) Also, why don't you invest in something that you can do together, like waltzing lessons for the father-daughter dance? Above all, as long as you can keep asking wtihout getting your feelings hurt, you should. Know that his level of participation in planning does not mean how much he loves you--but the open invitiation tells him you would be happy if he would be there.