Moms and Maids

FMIL Extremely Difficult

My FMIL and I had a fine relationship before she heard we were engaged. Since then everything has turned sour. She has been single her entire life and thinks of all relationships as weak and controlling. I understand that she has a different midest because she has been alone, but trust me when I say she has chosen this route for her life. She does not acknowledge that the wedding is happening all, and when she does it is only negative comments. She demanded that all of her family was invited but basically refused to participate and give us their addresses. We finally had to get them from a distant cousin. She constantly bashes my family for spending money and says that all of this is "unecessary". I have tried reaching out to her but she immediately asks that her son be put on the phone. I understand that these are her most likely her own deep seeded issues but I feel hurt that she is acting this way. I am marrying her only child and you'd think all she would be concerned about was his happiness, but that is not the case. I know I should let things slide but I will not let myself or my family be treated like second class citizens. Worst of all she is actually hurting my fiance by these actions. Advice as to how to handle this?

Re: FMIL Extremely Difficult

  • edited June 2012
    I would start by figuring our what it is in the end you want from her. Sounds like she isn't ever going to be all bubbly and want to talk flower details about the wedding. You can't make someone be excited, especially is this goes against her belief system.

    This may have nothing to do with you and be her own insecurities. I would stop talking about the wedding with her since it is a sore spot for you. If you FI is truly being hurt, he needs to be the one to talk to his mom. You don't want to appear to be coming between them.

    JMHO
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • edited June 2012
    I agree with you about cutting off the Wedding talk, which we have. We do not discuss anything with her anymore unless it is a must. There are some things that we really do need an answer to: Does she want to stay at the hotel we are getting married at? Because if so we need to make reservations for her now (seems like a no brainer but she has said all along that she "doesnt know yet") Will she be bringing his Grandmother or do we need to arrange for someone else to bring her? Can we have The Names and Addresses of the family you want to invite? All of these very simple questions turn into a fight about her feelings about our marriage or the fact that we dont want her there, which is unbelievable because we are basically begging her to come to our wedding. She has literally broken down in hysterics with my FI on the phone stating that she is not "loved", "involved", etc. But acts completely disgusted and non-chalant when asked anything. I know that these are defnitely her own personal issues. My question is how long am I expected to ignore this behavior and continue pretending that she is not causing completely uncessary fights and problems?
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It sounds as if you and your FI have shown considerable restraint and patience.  It also sounds as if you are being very considerate trying to make arrangements on her behalf, such as hotel reservations.

    You are FI need to get on the same page.  Once you are there, you can forge ahead. 

    My first suggestion would be to limit your questions to emails, if possible, to decrease the hysterics and tangent conversations regarding money, relationship philosophies, and family bashing. 

    Secondly, make any "penalty free" decisions on her behalf for the time being.  If you can reserve a room for her now, with no penalty costs if you cancel later, go ahead and do so.  Let her know that you did, and that she has until "month/day" to make a decision.  If you have a "plan B" for Grandma, make those arrangements.  Let whomever you entrust her care in be made aware that they may "get a pass" in the 11th hour, dependent on MIL cooperation.

    Basically, anything you can take care of to reduce your stress, and limit your involvement with FMIL, take care of now when time is on your side.  Let FMIL know of current plans, and let her know that if she chooses to participate, or make changes in these plans, then it is up to her.
  • It sounds like you are in the same boat as my FI and I are in. His mother is extremely dramatic and is always saying she isn't loved by my FI. He's an only child and they have had a lot happen between them. As of this time right now, they do not speak and she is not coming to the wedding. Unfortunately it's a choice that was made by first my FMIL who said she wasn't going to be there because my FI father was going with his partner(Long story there) and then by my FI. I have enouraged him to try and talk or maybe still send her an invite, but it has gotten to the point where he is done with her and everything she has done.( To give you an example, she left a message on his phone around this time last year when they had a fight saying she wanted him to bring her another bottle of bleach so she could finish herself off seeing how no one loves her and that fat C*** (me) must not be letting you answer your phone.) 

    From my personal experience and from great advice from the ladies on here, let your FI handle his mother. I tried many times to make things better and work it out and it never lasted long. She is in a place where she won't ever accept that I'm in his life and I don't think your FMIL will either. Sometimes it's best to just leave things alone and move on. I wish my FMIL could just be an adult for once and be invloved, but unfortunately there are things that go deep in her life that is why she can't be mature about anything. 

    I would just let it all fall in place by itself. It's hard and hurtful, but it's better than stressing yourself out to the point where you are always upset. I was trying to convince the rest of his family that I'm not as bad as my FMIL has made me out to be, but I finally figured out that you can't change people, only they can themselves. we have other family members and my own family who love us and know the truth.  

    I hope whatever you choose to do it works out for you all!! 
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