Moh moved away!!

juliu1je

Hey everyone! I am so glad we have this message board so we can bounce ideas off of each other.  Right not I am in need of some advice....
My MOH moved to Texas (I live in Michigan) in pursuit of her career (which is completely awesome). She really loves it down there and her career seems to be taking off.  The only thing is she is really busy and really strained financially.  She is comming back to MI this summer, but she wont be able to visit or anything because she is in another wedding this summer and is spending time with family (which is completely understandable).  She said that she would make it to the wedding come hell or high water, but that is the only thing she can make it for.  I really appreciate her efforts for that, but I am going to need her help and support for lots of stuff.  It is very hard to get a hold of her. We hadnt talked for almost 2 months until I finally got a hold of her to tell her that I got my wedding dress last week.  It was a somewhat short conversation due to the fact that she was busy with work.  I told her she could calll me back whenever she had the chance, but now its about a week and a half later and no call.
   I probably should have waited longer to ask her to be my MOH, but she did accept knowing all the responsibilities of the MOH.  I know she is busy with work and everything, but it seems like she is going to be too hard to communicate with and to keep on board with everything that is going on.  Would it be too wrong of me to have my sisters take over as 2 maids of honor and have her still be in the wedding party?

ADTonk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-moved-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:581c3501-fb67-4b07-a91d-348dbd5c560cPost:6767a863-f231-4bae-aa51-845df856e84b">Moh moved away!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone! I am so glad we have this message board so we can bounce ideas off of each other.  Right not I am in need of some advice.... My MOH moved to Texas (I live in Michigan) in pursuit of her career (which is completely awesome). She really loves it down there and her career seems to be taking off.  The only thing is she is really busy and really strained financially.  She is comming back to MI this summer, but she wont be able to visit or anything because she is in another wedding this summer and is spending time with family (which is completely understandable).  <strong>She said that she would make it to the wedding come hell or high water, but that is the only thing she can make it for.  I really appreciate her efforts for that, but I am going to need her help and support for lots of stuff.</strong>  It is very hard to get a hold of her. We hadnt talked for almost 2 months until I finally got a hold of her to tell her that I got my wedding dress last week.  It was a somewhat short conversation due to the fact that she was busy with work.  I told her she could calll me back whenever she had the chance, but now its about a week and a half later and no call. :(    I probably should have waited longer to ask her to be my MOH, <strong>but she did accept knowing all the responsibilities of the MOH.</strong>  I know she is busy with work and everything, but it seems like she is going to be too hard to communicate with and to keep on board with everything that is going on.  <strong>Would it be too wrong of me to have my sisters take over as 2 maids of honor and have her still be in the wedding party?</strong>
Posted by juliu1je[/QUOTE]


- No it is not appropriate to ask her to step down and be a BM unless you plan on permanantly ending your friendship with her.

- There are only two responsibilities of a MOH - get a dress and come to the wedding.  Sure the other stuff is great but that is all that she needs to do and it is unreasonable to <strong>expect </strong>that she do more.  If she can and she wants to help you, great.  If she can't or doesn't want to, oh well.

- She said she can come to the wedding.  All she needs to do is get the dress.  Your other BM's will probably step up and plan your shower.  If not, I'm sure someone will.  Nothing says it has to be the MOH that does all of this.

Kate61487

I'm guessing this is MUD, with only 5 posts... but anyway.

No, you should not replace her.  She is still your nearest and dearest, REGARDLESS of how far she is, geographically.

You know what my two MOHs have done to help me plan?  Nothing.  At all.  And I don't expect them to!!  They've both offered, but they have their own lives and jobs to deal with.  Beyond them getting their dresses and accessories I don't expect anything of them.  My FI and I and my mom have done the whole thing (and I'm thankful for the help my mom's given me). 

Your sisters can still help you plan if they want to, they don't need a title to do that.  don't disrespect your friend and your relationship by demotting her.

casims3

I feel stupid...but what is MUD? I've seen people say that before and never understand.

Maggie0829

She has no "official duties" as your MOH.  Yes it is nice when you bridal party helps with things but that is not a requirement.  It is great that you think her following her career is wonderful and she has already explained her situation to you.  Being a MOH is not a title you get because you are more readily available to do the brides bidding...it is an honor (hence the title).  Be a big girl and plan your own wedding without your MOH help...a lot of us on here are doing it just fine.

dragossoul84

Her MOH duties are to get the dress and be there thats it. You shouldnt need support to throw a party to celebrate you love

LoveMuffins

MUD = Made Up Drama

Our Best Man isn't going to be able to make it to any of the pre-wedding stuff, and we're pretty sure that even if he could that he wouldn't be involved in planning the Bachelor party because he's not a social guy and he doesn't plan things. But he's Best Man for a reason - because that's who FI wanted as his BM. Not because he would be good at planning a party or helping us with wedding planning.

Hopefully you originally asked your MOH for the same reason... because that's who you wanted standing next to you on that day. I think it doesn't say much about your priorities that you think being able to plan you parties is the bigger qualifying factor for who is standing next to you. I hope you just didn't realize how it sounded.

I get that you feel like the girls who WILL proably be the ones stepping up to do those things should be honored, but you have to remember that they are already honored by being in the bridal party and that you're going to write them a thank you note for each event and you can get them a hosting gift since they will be the hosts.

My MOH has had very little to do with planning my shower, it fell on a BM who had more time to collaborate with my Aunt. But I would never think of asking her to step down. I'm just getting my BM a little something extra special for a hosting gift for the shower to thank her for stepping up when my MOH was slacking on responding to my aunt / helping out.

casims3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-moved-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:581c3501-fb67-4b07-a91d-348dbd5c560cPost:b981a088-95b8-4bdd-8ec7-dad7089a47aa">Re: Moh moved away!!</a>:
[QUOTE]MUD = Made Up Drama Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

Thanks!

juliu1je

Thanks guys.
Nonono Im not trying to make it sound like the planning stuff is more important or anything, its just that I was a little dissapointed because she isn't going to be able to be involved in a lot of stuff and I didn't think it was fair that the other maids had to pick up the planning and stuff without the recognition. Thats all. I actually don't know that much about the "Etiquette" of all this and I just want it to be fair.  I don't appreciate personal attacks though such as Maggie0829 did when she said " be a big girl and plan your own wedding...ect".  All I was asking for was a little constructive criticizm-not condescending remarks.

Kniblet

My MOH lives in GA.  I live in MN.  She's over 1000 miles away.  I lived here over 2 years before the wedding and my MOH wasn't able to come up and visit (financial stuff) until the week of the wedding.  And we had a blast.  She was there beside me at the wedding and that's all I asked.

She bought her dress and showed up.  And I love her for it.

JULIU1JE:  No one was "attacking" you.  Some people on these boards are just more up front and honest.  Look through some of the posts on this board and Wedding Party board.  People are always asking if they can ask someone to "step down" and the answer is almost ALWAYS no.

You will be fine.  If you need support, lean on the man you are going to marry.  That's what I did.  Please, don't demote her because she moved away.  As long as she is there on wedding day, she is doing what she should.

Good luck!

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-moved-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:581c3501-fb67-4b07-a91d-348dbd5c560cPost:234326e8-077f-4e39-9aa6-3afc84488075">Re: Moh moved away!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks guys. Nonono Im not trying to make it sound like the planning stuff is more important or anything, its just that I was a little dissapointed because she isn't going to be able to be involved in a lot of stuff and <strong>I didn't think it was fair that the other maids had to pick up the planning and stuff without the recognition</strong>. Thats all. I actually don't know that much about the "Etiquette" of all this and I just want it to be fair.  <strong>I don't appreciate personal attacks though such as Maggie0829 did when she said " be a big girl and plan your own wedding...ect".</strong>  All I was asking for was a little constructive criticizm-not condescending remarks.
Posted by juliu1je[/QUOTE]

They will be recognized...they are bridesmaids after all so people will know that they helped to plan the event.  The MOH can still be involved with planning your parties...she just may not be able to attend.

As far as a personal attack...IMO it wasn't...that is just how you seemed to be coming off through your post.  It sucks when some of your bridal party cannot make certain events but like a PP said she is your MOH because that is who you want to stand next to on your day not because she is a good party planner.

shopgrl3177

I'm in St Louis,  My MOH is in Chicago and FI's BM is in Los Angeles.  They will both be here for the wedding and luckily my MOH will be in town for the shower and bach party.  However, even if all she could come for was the wedding she would still be my best friend.  Distance doesn't change that.  You chose this person because of your close relationship with her, not where she lives, or how much money/time she has to help you with your wedding.  Right now you should be supportive of your friend's new opportunities.  I'm sure she would love to be a part of everything with you, but she probably has a lot going on in her own life.  Love and support her and don't worry that she won't be able to do the planning - that's not her job.