WWYD: Re MIL gift after wedding

Queen Jane

I don't particularly care for my MIL and I'm fairly certain the feeling is mutual. It's not really a huge deal to me (other than having to deal with her), but I wanted to do something special as a thank you for contributing to our rehearsal brunch.

My parents paid for the majority of the wedding, his dad a small amount, his mom chipped in for the RB and we covered the rest. We thanked everyone privately and individually prior to the wedding. I also wanted to give each a gift afterwards. For MIL I wanted to do a large photo collage frame with all family. She loves displaying pictures in her home and I thought it would be nice to almost have a "family tree" type feel to it.

But then she went off the deep end.

One night she was babysitting for us and ambushed us when we got home with a discussion about all her grievances from the wedding. One of them was that she was not publicly thanked by H's stepbrother who made a speech (on his own free will, we didn't know) at the rehearsal brunch.

Neither my parents nor H's dad were ever "publicly thanked", so it's not like she was left out, and it's not like we never thanked her. My thought is that she wanted her exH to know she had given us money and she's a huge AW so I guess I could have seen it coming, but we just didn't want to go that route.

It, along with other things, has put a huge damper on me wanting to do something nice for her. I've been planning this before the wedding, I even asked her SIL if she had any pics I could use (she didn't), but now I feel like if I do it, it looks like I just did it because she complained.

Would you still bother, or forget it?

em01092

What a peach. I would be bitter too and not want to do it right away, but I think I would really try to force myself and be the bigger person. Give it a little time, make the collage, and then give it to her. I would say something like, "H and I had been meaning to give you this. Thank you again for all that you did. We really appreciate it. I thought you'd like this since you love displaying family photos." Hopefully she'll realize how dumb she's being and you guys can move past this. 

Did you tell her all of that which you said above, like how your parents we not publically thanked either and you had no control over what H's brother said? What did she say in response?

em01092

Oh man she sounds exactly like my dad's wife. She does the same thing. Once you "defeat" her argument, she just moves on to something else she thinks she can "win." My FMIL, on the other hand, just keeps arguing and talking. She can't ever let things go. 

I'm sorry. *hugs* As long as your H has your back, being polite but firm to her about these sort of things is all y'all can really do, other than minimizing contact with her. How does your H feel about all of this?

Edited for clarity. 

Queen Jane

H is really good about being firm and honest with her. The whole conversation went completely south. He tried telling the way she treats him is ridiculous and she doesn't listen to anything he says, which she of course denied. I actually came to his defense and said there are times when she doesn't listen to us at all, in regards to our son, and we've barely spoke since. We weren't even saying it in a mean way, and of course the first thing she days, "oh you don't think I do good with him? I guess I'm not a good grandma". H knows how she is, and we have limited how much we see her and how much we ask her to babysit, we'll see how long til the next thing comes up...

MairePoppy

I have been to rehearsal dinners where the b & g publicly acknowledged the host. Maybe your MIL has seen this at other RDs. But to make such a fuss is ridiculous. You did thank her with a thank you note and you apologized to her when you realized she was offended. What else should you do? Nothing.

I would feel the same way about going through the trouble of making the collage. You should probably put that on the back burner until things have improved. You could give it to her for a Christmas gift ( maybe too soon ) or a mother's day gift.

Queen Jane

Yes, we told her those things, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Once we had a reasoning for it, she was just ready to move on to the next discrepancy. She likes to "victimize" herself, which is nothing new. I do think she lives in her own little world sometimes.