Help

melissanash

So I am the MOH in my sisters wedding which is 11 months away. I really can not stand her fiance, and am really having a hard time supporting this wedding (especially knowing she plans to have kids with him right away!) He is a self absorbed a** and he is slowly pulling her away from her friends and family. Out of our mutual friends, none of the girls husbands/boyfriends can stand him and hate when she brings him along. Even one of our close friends told me she doesn't want to go to to the wedding. Me and my sister were always very close (she was my MOH for my wedding, which her fiance caused issues at and ended up being taken away by the cops). I want her to be happy and I want to be there to help her like she helped me, but it is really hard when I don't support their marriage. Should I just stick it out for her, even if I see this being a miserable marriage in the future? Or should I stand my ground and express my feelings?

KatePlusNate04

I was in this exact situation with my best friend this past year. At the beginning of their relationship, myself, as well as her friends and family all voiced our concerns about her man. She chose to ignore the advice and continue seeing him. We are polite around him, but don't go out of our way to talk to him or hang out with him.

It really comes down to your relationship with your sister. In my experience, if I would have refused to go to my best friend's wedding (she asked me to be a BM) or write her off because of this guy, it would have ended our friendship. If you refuse to go to your sister's wedding, more than likely she will choose her husband and your relationship will be over or strained at best because of it.

When I was in your shoes, I decided to be in her wedding and focus on HER. I said hello to her husband and that was it. I think once it's to this point, I wouldn't keep bringing up why you don't like him unless he is abusive to her or is a drug addict or something where you think she might be in danger. If he just acts like a jerk in general, you have already voiced your concern and she's chosen to ignore it. It's a sucky situation, but if you want to still have a relationship with your sister, I'd be in her wedding and avoid her H as much as possible.

melissanash

Thanks!

em01092

I agree with PP. If you want to maintain a relationship with your sister, you need to accept that she is an adult and you should respect her choices. It is not your responsibility to police her relationships, even though I know you are concerned and you mean well.

You don't have to be BFFs with him or hang out with him a lot or even like him, but you should accept him. Just be cordial and polite, but don't go any further than that. Limit the times you see him.

Now, if you absolutely cannot stand him, that's your choice, but you have to realize you will also lose your sister if you decide to write him off. 

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_help-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5c316bc7-7cce-4641-88fe-6776a05747d5Post:f56d0e73-b671-4934-9b05-f205e1ec46b4">Help</a>:
[QUOTE]So I am the MOH in my sisters wedding which is 11 months away. I really can not stand her fiance, and am really having a hard time supporting this wedding (especially knowing she plans to have kids with him right away!) He is a self absorbed a** and he is slowly pulling her away from her friends and family. Out of our mutual friends, none of the girls husbands/boyfriends can stand him and hate when she brings him along. Even one of our close friends told me she doesn't want to go to to the wedding. Me and my sister were always very close (she was my MOH for my wedding, which her fiance caused issues at and ended up being taken away by the cops). I want her to be happy and I want to be there to help her like she helped me, but it is really hard when I don't support their marriage. Should I just stick it out for her, even if I see this being a miserable marriage in the future? Or should I stand my ground and express my feelings?
Posted by melissanash[/QUOTE]

If he has been alienating her friends to the point that they don't even want to go to the wedding and the same is starting with your family, there may be more to this than you realize - especially if they are planning on starting a family right away.  This sounds like he is alienating her from a support group if she ever wants to leave him (and this would be infinitely harder with children).  Please make sure that you stay in her life and make it crystal clear to her that no matter what happens, she can always come to you.  From what you say, she may need that in the future.

MairePoppy

Ditto tldh and Retread

It looks like your sister's fi is trying to isolate her. Make sure she knows you will be there for her if she ever needs you.

You can manage being in the wedding, by being cordial to the fi and limiting your contact with him. Good luck.

thousandtrees

One of the things my best friend/bridesmaid said to me was "I am here to help and support you every step of the way and if on the day you decide to change your mind, I am here to help bundle you into the car and step on the gas". It was said in a joking way, and she and my FI are really good friends, but at the same time I knew she meant it. Your sister will probably take offense if you share your feelings too openly, but there is probably a gentle way to let her know that if she changes her mind at any point, you will be there to help her figure everything out. Support her through the planning and if she mentions feeling like it's all out of control or she has second thoughts, allow her to express them and be there to help her, whatever she decides to do. Good luck!