Hi All,
My FMIL and I have about one thing in common and that is my FI. Coincidentally that is enough to link us...for life. I've felt very sad that her and I don't have a relationship like my mother and I. I've also accepted that it's not likely that we ever will. If I had to choose a defining difference I would say she's very pessimistic about...well... pretty much everything and pretty controlling. My Fi and I have gotten in a few fights regarding his mother... and I will openly admit that I've lost it a time or two. No bueno. But I am and have been dedicated to keeping calm and carrying on with patience and dignity and respect. Which brings me to my question. Does anyone have any advice on how to build a pleasant relationship with a woman I have nearly nothing in common with?
The current situation is...
She's offered to host the rehearsal dinner with FI's dad and asked me where we wanted to have the event! I thought great! They will take care of this and I won't have to think of it again...WRONG! FFIL has agreed to match what MIL contributes. MIL only wants to contribute $250 which only gives us $500 to work with for the dinner (They are no longer married). What I have gathered from this scenenario and the ridiculous extent of my involvement in the process is that they don't want to host, they want to fund. This is find with me, in fact I offered the option long ago to avoid divorced people having to work together. I kindly expressed that we are very thankful for the funds that both MIL and FIL are contributing and that if the tab runs over the $500 alotted, my FI and I will gladly pick up the overage. I spent over an hour crafting an email to my MIL making it light, thankful, yet direct. We want to have a fairly nice dinner to treat our families and closest friends. We appreciate the money they are contributing and will catch cover any overage. I even offered an hor'dourves and drinks idea up as a cheaper solution which would allow her to be more involved , though I expressed prefering a formal dinner. I also addressed the profanity she used/uses when refereing to her ex-husband and his family by saying "We are so excited to share our wedding with all of you. I only hope that for mine and FI's sake that everyone can play nice for one day." MIL responded to my crafty page and a half masterpiece by saying "Go ahead. I'll figure something out." She then told FI that we need to talk about it. I understand that she wants things her way. I am just unsure what her way is because she hasn't made any suggestions except that she can only contribute $250. I feel that she is unhappy and it's making me feel unhappy. The only things she's said about our wedding is how expensive it will be to fly out and stay in the hotel. I feel like a beast for wanting to have a formal rehearsal dinner, even though we've not insisted or even suggested that she pay a cent over what she's offered. I feel like a beast for expecting her to come to the wedding because it means a hotel room and a plane ticket.
We are visiting her for Easter and I'd like to try to bond, or get her excited, or at very least make our relationship something more than a pain in her ass and a finatial burden. I'm just not sure how, even once I bury my frustration and anger...I'm lost!
Thx,
Lime