No support from Grooms family

durkeejennifer

I need some help. My fiance and I were engaged in Jan 2011 and have had a hard time with his family being happy for us or being supportive to him.

I have made several attempts to bring our families together for events like thanks giving but was met with support, nasty comments and the cold shoulder.

Over the past few months i have made several attempts on the phone, text and email to get to know his sister (bridesmaid) but was left with no responses.

I try to include my mother in law and sister in-law (bridesmaids) in the planning but is always declined. My mother invited his mother to come with us to pick out flowers and decor but told me "she already planned her daughters wedding" and didn't need to come. It was only till my fiance had to beg her to go that she did.

A few months ago my mother, mother in law, cousin, sister in law and friend (bridesmaids) came to see me wedding dress. When I walked out and stood in front of them my mom, cousin and friend cried and hugged me. His mother and sister said nothing .... nothing.

Finally yesterday my fiance told me that his mother would not being coming to my bridal shower and would not give a reason. Since then he has called her several times with no answer. I have sent several text messages to his sister about getting the tux rentals done after the bridal shower with no response.

I am crushed. I want their blessing but I don't think it will happened and my fiance is  hurt and upset at they way they are acting. My Fiance said to me yesterday that after everything that has happened to uninvite his sister (bridesmaids), niece (flower girl) and brother in law (best man) and mother.

I dont want it to come to that but i know there is more bad news comming and I dont know what to do.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_support-grooms-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e9dcc50-3ea5-49fc-89cf-e4ee7fdeb410Post:6cffa1b7-30a3-4bd2-b5b1-164d8bc5c196">No support from Grooms family</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some help. My fiance and I were engaged in Jan 2011 and have had a hard time with his family being happy for us or being supportive to him. I have made several attempts to bring our families together for events like thanks giving but was met with support, nasty comments and the cold shoulder. Over the past few months i have made several attempts on the phone, text and email to get to know his sister (bridesmaid) but was left with no responses. I try to include my mother in law and sister in-law (bridesmaids) in the planning but is always declined. My mother invited his mother to come with us to pick out flowers and decor but told me "she already planned her daughters wedding" and didn't need to come. It was only till my fiance had to beg her to go that she did. A few months ago my mother, mother in law, cousin, sister in law and friend (bridesmaids) came to see me wedding dress. When I walked out and stood in front of them my mom, cousin and friend cried and hugged me. His mother and sister said nothing .... nothing. Finally yesterday my fiance told me that his mother would not being coming to my bridal shower and would not give a reason. Since then he has called her several times with no answer. I have sent several text messages to his sister about getting the tux rentals done after the bridal shower with no response. I am crushed. I want their blessing but I don't think it will happened and my fiance is  hurt and upset at they way they are acting. My Fiance said to me yesterday that after everything that has happened to uninvite his sister (bridesmaids), niece (flower girl) and brother in law (best man) and mother. I dont want it to come to that but i know there is more bad news comming and I dont know what to do.
Posted by durkeejennifer[/QUOTE]

Stop groveling for their approval since it sounds like you'll never get it. I'm not sure about "uninviting" them, but you do need to follow your FI's lead regarding his family.

Were they like this towards you before you got engaged?

AutumnFair

I know you want their blessing but you must realize that after all the things you've done to include them it just looks like they aren't going to give it. Has your FI talked to his mom about why she is so distant with you? Is she a hard nut to crack when it comes to being apart of the family? Is she just a jealous woman who can't accept the fact that her baby boy is now a man getting married? Whatever the reason you need to realize that she doesn't want to be involved with you and that is too bad because her attitude is hurting the relationship she has with her son and if she doesn't want to change that her choice but she will be the one to lose out in the end. 

As for your FI wanting you to uninvite them, I say no, there is a good chance that mega drama will occur and you will probably look like the bad guy to them, which won't help you with wanting a relationship with his family. So I know your FI is angry but I say let it go and do not involve them in any more wedding stuff. 

rachelalexsmith

I'm sorry to hear you are going through that! It sounds like your FI is on your side, so that's one good thing.

I wouldn't uninvite them but I would think about taking the FSIL out as a bridesmaid, at the very least. That sounds horribly awkward but your BM are there to support and stand up for you because they are close to you, and this girl sounds like the opposite. 

 Is the FBIL acting similar to your FI? And the niece who is to be a flower girl?

durkeejennifer

They were blah about us getting engaged.

durkeejennifer

Like most of you said. I am not uninviting anyone from the wedding. I wanted them to come then and even now after everything happened. I may be angry but I am still an up standing person. It’s funny that the brother in law (sister’s husband) and my fiancé know and say that they are in the wrong. I guess I should have know better when we told his family that we were getting married and his sister asked if she was going to be a bridesmaid and if her daughter was going to be a flower girl. I was going to ask them anyways because I wanted to start our lives off on the right foot but his sister sucked the joy out of asking her and the niece.

I wish I know why his mother and sister don't like me or our relationship. I don't think knowing the reason would change their answer.

I'm just going to enjoy my bridal shower and wedding because the most important person will be there... my fiancé.

durkeejennifer

Thank you for your perspective and advice. I feel better.

jerseydevil

Glad you feel better! Sounds like you are very sweet and just want to include them, but it seems they don't want to be included. Just back off of them and enjoy planning with the people you are close with. They may never warm up, it may just be the way they are.

MairePoppy

They sound like two cold fishes. Your fi should tell his mom and sister that he expects them to treat you with respect.  And if the rude behaviour continues, they will not be seeing much of him or you. Their choice. If they don't come around, it will their loss.

In the meantime, don't let them spoil your fun. Do your planning with your fi, your mom, your cousin and your friends that enjoy it. I have a feeling that once you stop trying to please the FMIL and FSIL, they might change their attitudes.

Good luck.

steffenfam

I would stop telling them about wedding stuff or inviting them on outings, because obviously they aren't interested. 

As far as asking the FSIL to step down as a bridesmaid, I think that would be a very bad move.  That would negatively affect any future relationship you may have.  She's already asked to be in the wedding and you agreed (you were going to ask her anyway).  I would leave it at that, but don't expect anything more from her than her walking down the aisle at the appropriate time.  If you expect more than that, then your feelings will be hurt, so have no expectations whatsoever.

covejack

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_support-grooms-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e9dcc50-3ea5-49fc-89cf-e4ee7fdeb410Post:ab9d7d90-bb56-43fe-abdb-3043cda3ffb7">Re: No support from Grooms family</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry to hear you are going through that! It sounds like your FI is on your side, so that's one good thing.<strong> I wouldn't uninvite them but I would think about taking the FSIL out as a bridesmaid, at the very least.</strong> That sounds horribly awkward but your BM are there to support and stand up for you because they are close to you, and this girl sounds like the opposite.   Is the FBIL acting similar to your FI? And the niece who is to be a flower girl?
Posted by rachelalexsmith[/QUOTE]

This woud be a disaster.  Please don`t do this.

Muffin'sMom

Sometimes you just get stuck with family 

Pat them on their little heads, smile sweetly, and go about your business.  Sometimes, people get a charge out of being that way.  It gives them a sense of power.  If you walk away from them and have fun anyway...it sucks the fun right out of it for them!