Moms and Maids

Mother In Law Issues -- Advice needed!

Keep in mind while reading this, that my mother in law had 500 guests at her wedding. Sorry this is long!

Okay, so my fiance and I agreed on a small-medium wedding 175-200 people at a venue that charges $70 a person. We only wanted people that we knew and who have been apart of our lives and our relationship and the venue is a hotel so the price covers everything including accommodations for out of town guests. Everyone, including my future mother in law agreed on this plan. So I signed the contract and my parents put a deposit down.

However, a few weeks ago my fiance tells me that his mom wanted to know if I wanted to have my reception at another venue for $25 a person so that way its cheaper and we can invite more guests. I was a little bit upset because she agreed with the original idea and now she wants to change it? My fiance and I vetoed that idea since we already signed a contract and put money down.

Then last week, she tells my fiance that she wants to hold a second reception the next day (she would pay for everything) with guests that weren't invited to the original wedding. Her thought is that the cheaper it is per person the more people she can invite. My fiance told her no when she asked to him, he didn't want a second party the next day. Then she went behind his back and asked me about it which put me in an awkward position, she goes on to tell me that with a $70 per person price tag she can't invite everyone she wants to invite, and wants to invite a lot more of her family and friends (people that my fiance and I have never met) because she wants to make sure we have everything we need and because a lot of people "owe" her this. I told her I would think about it and let her know.

There are a few problems I have with this idea... 1) I don't understand her logic as to not being able to afford to invite more people with a $70 per person price tag, but she can afford to throw a whole other reception 2) I don't want a second reception the next day, because I want to be able to relax the day after and be with my husband 3) I don't want to celebrate my wedding with a bunch of people I don't know, I believe a wedding should be a close, intimate event with close family and friends who know you as a couple and who have been an influence on your life.

Ultimately, my fiance told his mother we did not want the second reception, that it wasn't about the price, it could be $10 a person and we still wouldn't want a huge wedding with a bunch of people. I feel bad about about all this, but this is our day and we should make the decision.

Did we make the right choice? Or should I have just sucked it up and let her throw the party?
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Re: Mother In Law Issues -- Advice needed!

  • Hunny you have a great guy there who knws how to stand up to his mother!  You guys apsilutly made the correct decision.  This day is about you and your future husband not about her and what she wants, which sounds like she wants to be the center of attention.
  • You were right to stand your ground.  I might be tempted to break contract to go with a venue that much cheaper, but not if the whole reason is "so we (MIL) can invite more people".  Weddings are not tit for tat, nobody "owes" anyone anything.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-issues-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5ebbc9fd-b14e-406b-bfee-a4537fe5660aPost:396776cb-9bae-427c-8f80-a738941c1b75">Mother In Law Issues -- Advice needed!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Keep in mind while reading this, that my mother in law had 500 guests at her wedding. Sorry this is long! Okay, so my fiance and I agreed on a small-medium wedding 175-200 people at a venue that charges $70 a person. We only wanted people that we knew and who have been apart of our lives and our relationship and the venue is a hotel so the price covers everything including accommodations for out of town guests. Everyone, including my future mother in law agreed on this plan. So I signed the contract and my parents put a deposit down. However, a few weeks ago my fiance tells me that his mom wanted to know if I wanted to have my reception at another venue for $25 a person so that way its cheaper and we can invite more guests. I was a little bit upset because she agreed with the original idea and now she wants to change it? My fiance and I vetoed that idea since we already signed a contract and put money down. Then last week, she tells my fiance that she wants to hold a second reception the next day (she would pay for everything) with guests that weren't invited to the original wedding. Her thought is that the cheaper it is per person the more people she can invite. My fiance told her no when she asked to him, he didn't want a second party the next day. Then she went behind his back and asked me about it which put me in an awkward position, she goes on to tell me that with a $70 per person price tag she can't invite everyone she wants to invite, and wants to invite a lot more of her family and friends (people that my fiance and I have never met) <strong>because she wants to make sure we have everything we need and because a lot of people "owe" her this</strong>. I told her I would think about it and let her know. There are a few problems I have with this idea... 1) I don't understand her logic as to not being able to afford to invite more people with a $70 per person price tag, but she can afford to throw a whole other reception 2) I don't want a second reception the next day, because I want to be able to relax the day after and be with my husband 3) I don't want to celebrate my wedding with a bunch of people I don't know, I believe a wedding should be a close, intimate event with close family and friends who know you as a couple and who have been an influence on your life. Ultimately, my fiance told his mother we did not want the second reception, that it wasn't about the price, it could be $10 a person and we still wouldn't want a huge wedding with a bunch of people. I feel bad about about all this, but this is our day and we should make the decision. Did we make the right choice? Or should I have just sucked it up and let her throw the party?
    Posted by melanieky[/QUOTE]

    You host a reception to thank everyone who came to witness you get married. The bolded part makes it sound like your FMIL only wants to invite people to the second event so that you guys can get gifts. Why would you invite people to a reception when no one there gets to see you get married and expect them to bring you gifts? Who would really want to go to that? (I know you don't want to do this and it's your FMIL)

    You two need to just stand strong and tell her no.
  • I think you made the right decision by standing your ground. I agree with not wanting people you do not know at your wedding.
  • Team Bride and Groom.

    If the bride or groom have to be introduced to their parents' friends or distant family at their wedding, they should never have been invited in the first place.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You have made the right choice. Your fmil only wants to invite more guests because she feels they owe gifts to her son for the ones she purchased for them or their children. My mom had the same philosophy. She made one hot mess of my wedding thirty-five years ago. I won't go into details, but will say, I don't have fond memories of my wedding.

    You and your fi have chosen a place that you like and it fits within the budget. You've signed a contract and put down a deposit. Make it clear that you will not be having a second reception for the guests that were not good enough for the first. If each set of parents has agreed to pay for their own guests, give them the price, tell them you need their guest lists and  checks by X date. I would caution you not to send save the dates or invitations until you have those checks in hand.

    Don't back down. Good luck.

                       
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