Monster-in-law causing trouble

silverclaragirl

Hi girls.

I wish my future MIL and I got along, but the fact is, she doens't like me and it's making it harder for me to like her. The root of my plea is in the last paragraph, but background info as to why II struggle with her first:

When I first met her, instead of saying hello, she walked off. Every time I tried to talk to her she refused to answer me. The next morning she asked my fiance if my parents were rich, told him I was too short, then suggested he should date the girl in the next town over. (She's Asian; she said this in front of me, but not in English). The two of them got in a HUGE fight over it. My fiance is a champion at defending me; he knows his mom is a bit selfish and crazy. But, she's still his mom and he still loves her and I get that. I don't want him in the middle.

She then told him we couldn't get married unless I converted to their religion first. Now she's telling the rest of the family that I never say hi to her when I come over. (This is ENTIRELY not true. I always walk up to her, say hello and ask her how she is). It's as if she wants to make me look bad? Regardless of how I feel about her, I still respect that she is my fiance's mom and I'm nice and kind to her not matter what she says behind my back.

To make matters worse: She has tons of family drama going on and now that we've moved closer to her, she is constantly calling my fiance and yelling at him to call other family members about buying this plot of land she lives on. Her older sister owns it and she wants her to leave it to my fiance but for some reason she can't do this? His Aunt wants him to buy it for a hefty price so his mom can continue to live there; and he is at this point just saying he's probably going to end up doing it. So....I know we aren't married yet, but do I have a say in this?  It could have the potential to get us in some serious financial trouble. I want to just say no; but she keeps pushing him and he loves her so I imagine he's going to want to do it. It's not a good financial decision, and we want to have kids soon and buy a house of our own....and we will have just gotten married and alread spent a ton of money. I'm afraid of how to approach this with him with my opinion as he gets touchy about it. How do I manage this?

scrpio421

wow, that's drama alright. Of course you have a right to speak you mind on this one. This is a big decision that should be decided by the two of you. I agree you don't want to be in debt as soon as you get married. They say the first year is the hardest and being in debt is not going to help matters.
Plus it might help having some distance between his family and your new one otherwise it seems she may always be around meddling in your marriage.

My FI almost bought his grandmother's dilapidated house. He was hell bent on it for a little while, and I sat him down and laid it out there. I know he was doing it to help his father, but I can't do that to our personal financial future. I thought things weren't sinking in and he was just going to dig his heals in and he finally turned around.

MairePoppy

When I met my MIL for the first time about 37 years ago, she walked out of the house, got into her car and drove off. So we have something in common ; ) It worked out eventually that we had a decent relationship with each other.

You have a good strategy already. Continue to be polite to her. Don't get drawn in by her petty accusations. Your Fi should stand up for you and let his mom know that unless she treats you with respect, she will not be seeing much of either of you. I think it was a mistake for him to translate your FMIL's hurtful remarks about you. He should have set her straight without hurting your feelings.

You are right that Fi should consult you about any financial decisions that will affect your future. If your Fi doesn't understand that, you are headed for serious problems. It would be a good idea to see a relationship counselor and a financial adviser to discuss the pros and cons of committing so much money to his mothers living arrangements.

Good luck.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]she is constantly calling my fiance and yelling at him to call other family members about buying this plot of land she lives on. Her older sister owns it and she wants her to leave it to my fiance but for some reason she can't do this? His Aunt wants him to buy it for a hefty price so his mom can continue to live there; and he is at this point just saying he's probably going to end up doing it. So....I know we aren't married yet, but do I have a say in this?  It could have the potential to get us in some serious financial trouble. [/QUOTE]

<div>Yes you do and yes it could.  The rest is annoying drama that could give you headaches, but is survivable, especially as well as it sounds like you've been responding.  This is the sort of thing that can sink a marriage.  If he buys his mother's house and finances her livelihood above your own, it may be time to seriously reevaluate this marriage.  Even if you talk him out of it, it sounds like some couples counceling may be in order before the wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: I'm wondering if there's a cultural divide here, which would also be a good reason for premarital counseling.  </div>

Sue-n-Kevin

You have some good advice above. Here's my input:

My hubby's second wife (I'm #3) was a woman he met in South Korea while stationed there. They have a daughter together who is now 19. His exwife is fairly unstable and to this day, while she lives in another state 600+ miles away with her second hubby, drops in on his daughter where she lives (my hubby's former home) whenever it pleases her. This drives his daughter crazy, but no one has been able to put an end to this. On her most recent trip earlier this week, she brought along her sister.

- this is a cultural thing that you will not win. In spite of the fact you indicate your fiance is championing on your behalf, there are some cultural "apron strings" here you cannot cut, because it sounds as though his mom is putting him in the middle between herself and you. She (and other family members) are making him choose. Frankly, it does not sound as though he is able to choose you and place you above all else.

- I agree with the prior recommendations you get counseling for both your relationship AND financial assistance. When you are married, his debts may become yours. Do you want to go into a marriage with no input? It is entirely possible that he has some cultural ideas about marriage, and your place in it, built in based on his experiences with his own family and their beliefs. It is much easier to afford pre-marital counseling and postpone a wedding that it is to divorce and improve or rehab your credit history.

- You may need to do some investigations into why his aunt (mom's sister) simply can't leave the plot of land to her own sister instead of your fiance having to buy it. What is the rush? Is his aunt ill? To be honest (may be a bit snarky), it sounds as though his mom's sister is expecting to a) make a profit on the land and gain some money at your fiance's expense and b) then have a place for her sister to live. There have to be easier legal answers to understand this mess than whatever you are able to get by translation.

"I'm afraid of how to approach this with him with my opinion as he gets touchy about it. How do I manage this? "

I think you MUST discuss this and sort it all out NOW. Planning a wedding is fun, but marriage is work. If you are afraid to discuss with him the results of any actions he may take before the wedding, things that DO involve the rest of your lives,  then you will be afraid for the rest of your marriage as well.

Good luck.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_monster-law-causing-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5f93afb0-1bf4-48cb-a35d-2737d5e091c3Post:37e1e3f4-17c5-4ab4-a9a8-b26676a8d46a">Monster-in-law causing trouble</a>:
[QUOTE] But, she's still his mom and he still loves her and I get that. I don't want him in the middle.
Posted by silverclaragirl[/QUOTE]

You're right- he shouldn't be in the middle.  He should be firmly on your side.

You said that he stands up for you when his mom treats you poorly.  However, she's still doing it, so obviously he needs to take more drastic measures.  He needs to tell her that if she cannot treat you with respect, he will not have a relationship with her anymore.

Regarding the property transaction, this is a HUGE red flag, and you are right to be concerned about it.  This is a decision that is going to have an impact on the two of you as a married couple, so of course your opinion should be taken into account.  If he's not willing to do that, you have a very serious problem.

You really need to get some premarital counseling.  Navigating boundaries with parents can be difficult enough as it is, and it sounds like there are cultural factors at play that complicate your situation.  This is something that MUST be addressed before the wedding.

katyb213

You definitely need to talk it out and possibly get permarital counseling! This should help sort out issues so they do not all come flying at you once you are married.

PS this resembles my FMIL. She has gotten better but when I refused to become catholic she did the same type of thing. Stick it out and you can get through this!

joyfulhappy1

I am concerned that your fiance is even considering being bullied by his mom into a real estate transaction that you are not comfortable with. If a guy can't stand up to his mother while you are dating him then honey he's not gonna do it while you are married and she will run over you with a steamroller all the time. And yes some in this culture are very pushy like this, but many are not. Sounds like mom has always gotten her way and no one has healthy boundaries.  Im sure you love this guy, but maybe you ought to reconsider marrying him if he can't stand up to his pushy mom