Another Mother-In-Law Thread

jnd2014

My fiance's mother is NOT happy about our engagement. She has done nothing but lecture him about why he shouldn't get married yet, etc BEFORE he proposed. After he proposed, and we called them, his dad gave him the same lecture, and his mom refused to speak to him at all. A few days later she called him and congratulated him, then repeated the lecture. 

We are polar opposites. We are from different social classes and all. It has been made clear they preferred my fiance marry someone else. 

The good thing is, we have 2 years until the wedding, so there's plenty of time for them to come around to the idea. We've only been engaged for less than a week. 

But I am so nervous about approaching his mom. I want her to be kept in the loop with our plans. Even our basic preliminary ideas/plans. 

I'm also really nervous about monetary contribution. I don't think they'll want to. It will be one of two scenarios with them 1.) They won't want to help, so they'll minimally contribute way less than they can afford or 2.) They'll want to flaunt this and contribute a lot, and then be so freakin controlling. I'd rather have a happy medium, where they help out significantly, but I can still be in charge while listening to and considering their questions/suggestions/complaints. 

Any suggestions on how to approach my FMIL and make her like me. 

Also, I want to add, it's not easy for me to invite her to a lunch or something because we live 90 minutes apart from eachother, are both very busy, and my fiance is in Colorado in the Military.

Simply Fated

You can't really make someone like you, but I'm sure if your a nice and good person, she'll come to like you. Why is it that you think she doesn't like you? As far as them contributing to your wedding, I'd plan your wedding in a budget you and your FI can afford and turn down any offers of money from them. Remember, if they pay they have a say and do you really want them to have a say in your wedding?

Ilumine

Ignore her. 

And since NO ONE is required to pay for someone elses' wedding, stop expecting/worrying/planning on it.  Pay for your wedding yourself. 

JaxInBlue

Ditto PPs.  There's not an acceptable way to ask them (or your parents either) if they are giving you money for the wedding.  It's nice if someone volunteers but it's a not required.  Plan the wedding on the budget you and FI can afford and only adjust your plans when you have additional money in hand.

FWIW, I also think turning down any money they offer would be good - you don't want the drama of dealing with their requests. 

calliopeia2013

Yeah, it sounds like you're not going to want to accept money from them even if they offer- when there's even the slightest bit of drama, tension over the money can spiral out of control very quickly. 

You can't make someone like you, and frankly, you shouldn't try.  Be friendly, but not overly so- you'll want to give her time to warm up to you.  I wouldn't start talking wedding stuff with her unless she asks.

I'm a little bit curious about the phrase "why he shouldn't get married YET"- is there some reason his parents don't want him to get married now besides them apparently not liking you?  (You're both very young, he's still in school, they want him to wait until he's not on active duty, something like that?)

StephBeanWed61502

1)  Plan the wedding you can afford with your own money.  Seriously.  It doesn't matter if your in-laws go to sleep each night on mattresses filled with $100 bills - the only people responsible for paying for your wedding are you and your FI.  The added benefit of paying for it yourself is that you can do pretty much whatever you want without input from others, so your in-laws can't "take over."

2) You don't need to be BFFs with his mom.  My grandmother disliked my mother pretty much until the day my grandmother died.  It was really no big deal.  My mom was polite to her when she saw her, and that was the end of it.  Be polite when you see her, and leave it at that.  If she doesn't like you now, throwing yourself at her (even with the best of intentions) isn't going to make her like you any better.

3) As far as the wedding goes, let your FI handle communications with his mother.  There's no reason you need to call her up and chat about flower arrangements or tablecloth colors.  Would it be nice if you two got along well enough that you could do that?  Sure.  But asking for the input of someone who openly dislikes you is pretty much asking for trouble and drama.

Here's the thing - actions speak louder than words.  Let your actions and your FI's actions speak for you on this wedding thing.  If the two of you spend the next two years acting like mature, responsible adults, his parents will come around to seeing you that way.  If you spend the next two years acting like little kids desperate for mommy and daddy's approval, then you'll just validate everything his parents are likely afraid of - that you're not mature enough for marriage and this isn't a good idea.

msuprincess04

Going to have to agree with PP. Don't take a dime from them, and don't plan on them voluntarily giving you anything. Adult plan weddings they can afford, not plan weddings with someone else's money. This also gives you the freedom to do as you wish and they have no say.

As for the other part. You have two years. Why are you planning so early? Things like budget need to be figured out before any real planning. And you don't have a budget yet. Give it a year, or at least 7 months. Enjoy being engaged, relax, and if you feel so inclined attempt to improve relationships with his parents. That DOES NOT including discussing a wedding, which you already know will set them off.

MairePoppy

Since you have two years, use the first to save as much as possible. Then plan your wedding according to what you and fi can afford to spend. Do not ask anyone else for money, even parents. If they want to contribute, they'll let you know.

You and your FMIL do not have to be best friends. Treat her with respect, expect the same from her. If she is rude to you, your fi should set her straight.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:3f0cc1dc-58ec-446e-a785-cd8c6b479ec4">Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's mother is NOT happy about our engagement. She has done nothing but lecture him about why he shouldn't get married yet, etc BEFORE he proposed. After he proposed, and we called them, his dad gave him the same lecture, and his mom refused to speak to him at all. A few days later she called him and congratulated him, then repeated the lecture.  We are polar opposites. We are from different social classes and all. It has been made clear they preferred my fiance marry someone else.  The good thing is, we have 2 years until the wedding, so there's plenty of time for them to come around to the idea. We've only been engaged for less than a week.  But I am so nervous about approaching his mom. <strong>I want her to be kept in the loop with our plans.</strong> Even our basic preliminary ideas/plans.  I'm also really nervous about monetary contribution. I don't think they'll want to. It will be one of two scenarios with them 1.) They won't want to help, so they'll minimally contribute way less than they can afford or 2.) They'll want to flaunt this and contribute a lot, and then be so freakin controlling. I'd rather have a happy medium, where they help out significantly, but I can still be in charge while listening to and considering their questions/suggestions/complaints.  Any suggestions on how to approach my FMIL and make her like me.  Also, I want to add, it's not easy for me to invite her to a lunch or something because we live 90 minutes apart from eachother, are both very busy, and my fiance is in Colorado in the Military.
Posted by jnd2014[/QUOTE]

Why? She sounds like a lousy person. If you pay for your own wedding, she doesn't need to be kept in the loop and all the decisions will be yours and your FI's.

Speaking of your FI, what was his reaction to his parents when they lectured him about proposing to you?

jnd2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:59d65b75-a0f2-4c23-a3f8-4b212c948f4c">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]Ignore her.  And since NO ONE is required to pay for someone elses' wedding, stop expecting/worrying/planning on it.  Pay for your wedding yourself. 
Posted by Ilumine[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I don't *expect* them to or require them to. But it is a topic that comes up when speaking with my fiance. Budgeting and finances is usually a topic that comes up with weddings, is it not? I don't understand the harshness here.</div>

jnd2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:7c4c9cad-d3cc-4945-8ac0-1ddefd2799ee">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, it sounds like you're not going to want to accept money from them even if they offer- when there's even the slightest bit of drama, tension over the money can spiral out of control very quickly.  You can't make someone like you, and frankly, you shouldn't try.  Be friendly, but not overly so- you'll want to give her time to warm up to you.  I wouldn't start talking wedding stuff with her unless she asks. I'm a little bit curious about the phrase "why he shouldn't get married YET"- is there some reason his parents don't want him to get married now besides them apparently not liking you?  (You're both very young, he's still in school, they want him to wait until he's not on active duty, something like that?)
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>We are young, but waiting til graduation to get married. He's at the AF Academy, so that'll be 2014. And he plans on making a carreer out of it, so no way waiting til he's not AD</div>

jnd2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:b7258ed2-e377-4a63-8334-64b511f7c775">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]Going to have to agree with PP. Don't take a dime from them, and don't plan on them voluntarily giving you anything. Adult plan weddings they can afford, not plan weddings with someone else's money. This also gives you the freedom to do as you wish and they have no say. As for the other part. You have two years. Why are you planning so early? Things like budget need to be figured out before any real planning. And you don't have a budget yet. Give it a year, or at least 7 months. Enjoy being engaged, relax, and if you feel so inclined attempt to improve relationships with his parents. That DOES NOT including discussing a wedding, which you already know will set them off.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

<div>I wanna get the basics out of the way. Like venue. Because we want a June wedding, and when my cousin planned hers, they already had bookings in June 2013, that was a year ago. I don't wanna miss out on my date</div>

jnd2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:4e488be0-c614-4137-adf4-fc2d19c1c027">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Another Mother-In-Law Thread : Why? She sounds like a lousy person. If you pay for your own wedding, she doesn't need to be kept in the loop and all the decisions will be yours and your FI's. Speaking of your FI, what was his reaction to his parents when they lectured him about proposing to you?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>He tells them to cut it out. He's had the conversation maturely with them so many times, and now it's just he gets mad and tells them to stop. 

</div>

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:ee6839e3-aa39-481d-b89d-d61c1de8cbfd">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread : I wanna get the basics out of the way. Like venue. Because we want a June wedding, and when my cousin planned hers, they already had bookings in June 2013, that was a year ago. I don't wanna miss out on my date
Posted by jnd2014[/QUOTE]

So book the venue <em>you and your FI can afford by yourselves</em>.  Boom.  Problem solved.

And the reason for some of the "harshness" about you and your FI needing to pay for your own wedding is because <em>your in-laws finances are not your business.  They're not even your FI's business</em>.  The only "finances" the two of you should be discussing in relation to your wedding is your own personal finances, NOT mommy and daddy's bank accounts.

katyb213

Your FMIL sounds like mine.
My FMIL had a temper tantrum when she found out we got engaged and then congratulated us later....she thinks my parents are bad people because they cannot afford to pay for the entire wedding (they are paying for some of it). She believes that because they don't have as much money as her, they are not good people...
So I hear you...with that, I would not let them give you any money for the wedding. Do not ask for a dime! She sounds controlling and she will take over if she can. I think if you are getting married, you have to be financially stable enough to afford it yourselves.

Also, I think making an effort with your FMIL is a good thing. Honestly, I have and my FMIL has as well and she has kind of gotten over the initial "shock" of it all. We are having a longer engagement and not getting married till 2013 so I think that has helped as well. She actually even offerred to pay for the honeymoon, which was extremely generous. But also, I hope your FI will continue to back you up and talk to them maturely about the situation, that will help immensely. I think just being polite and showing maturity should help her come around. Good luck.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:6dde4eeb-1974-43c6-ad3c-3334821bd507">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread : I don't *expect* them to or require them to. But it is a topic that comes up when speaking with my fiance. Budgeting and finances is usually a topic that comes up with weddings, is it not? I don't understand the harshness here.
Posted by jnd2014[/QUOTE]

It is a topic that comes up with weddings, and a necessary one because you can't start booking venues and making a guestlist without knowing how you're going to pay for it.  What we're trying to tell you is that neither you nor your FI should have any expectation of money coming in that's not currently in a bank account or part of a regular paycheck.  If they give you any money you'll have to do things their way, and if they <strong>promise</strong> money but don't actually write you a check they can pull it out from under you at any time if they change their minds about supporting your marriage.  Plan what <strong>you</strong> can afford

jnd2014

If we planned what we can afford right now, we'd be having a JOP. And that's not what either of us wants. But thank you for your advice. 

jmichlik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:162025ca-bc70-4d32-a364-86a108c62161">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]If we planned what we can afford right now, we'd be having a JOP. And that's not what either of us wants. But thank you for your advice. 
Posted by jnd2014[/QUOTE]

Hmm, that's a tough one. It sounds like you're thinking you either need to accept their money or not have a wedding, but it also sounds like accepting their money would cause you guys a lot of grief. Do you and FI have a sense of how much money you will be able to save in the time from now to the wedding to give yourselves a budget? If not that may help you in figuring out what you can afford on your own.

One of my good friends went into her wedding by assuming she and her FI were paying for the whole thing. When her parents offered to give them money towards the wedding my friend told them her budget and suggested that instead of paying for any one item they think about what amount they would be comfortable giving and make it their wedding gift. In this way she was able to plan her own wedding without others butting in but still received some support from her parents in the end. I know this is a bit of a gamble and may not work for you but thought I'd mention it just in case.

jnd2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:7d2579f1-8cff-4d33-a1e5-1dc35907db36">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread : Hmm, that's a tough one. It sounds like you're thinking you either need to accept their money or not have a wedding, but it also sounds like accepting their money would cause you guys a lot of grief. Do you and FI have a sense of how much money you will be able to save in the time from now to the wedding to give yourselves a budget? If not that may help you in figuring out what you can afford on your own. One of my good friends went into her wedding by assuming she and her FI were paying for the whole thing. When her parents offered to give them money towards the wedding my friend told them her budget and suggested that instead of paying for any one item they think about what amount they would be comfortable giving and make it their wedding gift. In this way she was able to plan her own wedding without others butting in but still received some support from her parents in the end. I know this is a bit of a gamble and may not work for you but thought I'd mention it just in case.
Posted by jmichlik[/QUOTE]

It is difficutl. :/ Especially because if we DIDNT have a huge wedding, we and both sides of our families would be upset.
We won't be able to save much. I am in school and working. But all my money goes to tuition, car payment, car insurance, books, and gas. There's almost nothing left over. I make about $11 hour. My fiance is at a military academy, so he has few bills, and gets paid. But those paychecks basically fund us getting to see each other.

Our options are this:

1. Use a loan to pay for our wedding. It is a low/no interest loan given to cadets. But it is also and all or nothing loan from what I've heard. You either take out 30K or 0. He's getting more info on that next week. But I really don't want to start my marriage out in debt. However, the loan is meant to help the  cadets build credit, so it might be a good idea. Plus, before we thought about a wedding he was planning on taking thhe loan to buy a bike and lift his truck. He says now, he'll lift his truck and use the remainder for the wedding.

2. Save a very small amount of money, and hope and pray my parents can contribute soemthing

3. Let his parents pay for it/contribute a considerable amount, if they want to (They can afford it, but may not want to).

4. Tap into the funds he has that we all agreed are best saved for future expenses (a house, a new car if needed, medical bills, etc)


I think that your friend took a great approach, and I will consider that, and talkl about it with my Fiance.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-mother-in-law-thread?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6113beec-c3f5-4738-bd32-f7ceef85798bPost:b3f2f10b-86de-471f-9b8d-c9f86e3e2518">Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another Mother-In-Law Thread : He tells them to cut it out. He's had the conversation maturely with them so many times, and now it's just he gets mad and tells them to stop. 
Posted by jnd2014[/QUOTE]

And they don't stop. So maybe he needs to come up with something else other than "Please stop, please stop, please stop."

melb2013

We refused my FI's parent's financial help because we wanted to be able to control our wedding.  If your parents don't want to help you with the wedding either, then you have the wedding you can afford- even if that is a JP in your living room. This is similar the wedding my parents had and they have been happily married for 28 years.

My mother has given me some good advice for dealing with people who have to be in your life that don't treat you well: Ignore them.  When you have to deal with them directly, be kind, respectful, polite, and brief.  When people get this kind of treatment, they either start treating you with the same cold politeness, or they come looking for your affection.