HELP! FMIL probs, what to do?

Mollybox

To make a long story short, I have a future Mother-in_law that I used to get along with very well. Since her son and I got engaged, she has become very pushy about how things should be planned for the wedding. The problem is instead of communicating what she wants to do, she will just do it (such as booking hotels, planning/booking rehearsal dinner, flowers). We are having a destination wedding (but it is still fairly large) which requires a lot of coordinating with both sides of the family.

I have some questions over where to cross the line, and where to step back when dealing with her:

1) Since they are paying for the rehearsal dinner, she made up a guest list without asking me about my family that will want to attend. When they are paying, who is ultimately responsible for the guest list/menu?

2) My fiances sister got married a few years ago, and my FMIL felt that much of her family was "left out" from certain things. She is using this rehearsal dinner to invite everyone she felt was "left out" of his sisters dinner, and the numbers are climbing to 50+ people. I feel that is not a criteria for judging who should be invited, and that the dinner whould be kept to a reasonable number, even if they are footing the bill. Who is right?

2) When you are having a wedding is a small town with limited hotels, how is the best way to make sure everyone gets a room? I am trying to reserve what I can myself for everybody to use, but keep finding out she beat me to booking a place for "her family only."

Please help! I am trying so hard not to have a confrontation, but when I sent her an email asking her to please not book things and ask me before making any decisions that will affect both sides of the family, she calls my fiance saying she feels like her "head is on a chopping block" and "insulted and offended" that I wouldn't trust her to plan things herself.

Kate61487

I answered you on E.  But I just wanted to add an extra "good luck!" Your MIL sounds a little cray cray; and I think keeping her out of any wedding plans that aren't aboslutely neccessary to share is your best bet!

MairePoppy

1. Whoever is hosting and paying for the RD gets to decide on the number of guests, style of the party and the menu. The same goes for the wedding reception, showers and any other wedding related events.

2. The immediate families of both the bride and groom, the wedding party, anyone who is expected at the rehearsal + everyone's significant other should be invited to the RD. FMIL may add in anyone else she likes as long as they are on the wedding guest list. The host is not obligated to allow you extra invites for your other family members, but it would be a nice gesture.

3.Apparently, the best way to get hotel rooms for your guest is to beat your competition at reserving rooms. It's most unfortunate that your FMIL is the competition. Your fi should talk to his mother about opening those blocked rooms to accommodate any wedding guests who want them.

Let your fi deal with his own mother. Good luck.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:62cf667f-6203-409d-b3ac-7aebbe9e5b0fPost:8ed04bc5-0d35-4773-8f0f-5da431718d3c">Re: HELP! FMIL probs, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]. I think that is what is irritating me so much; my parents know I'm capapble and are leaving the planning up to me, but my FMIL loudly and constantly comments that I'm not planning well enough.
Posted by Mollybox[/QUOTE]

And where is your fiance in all of this?  Why is your FMIL only getting on your case, when both you and your fiance are responsible for the wedding decisions you make?  And why isn't your fiance telling her to mind her own business and stop disrespecting you?  If he's not doing anything to put a stop to this, you need to seriously rethink marrying him, because this is what the rest of your life is going to be like.

Maggie0829

Since she is paying for the rehearsal dinner then she has the ultimate say in the guest list.

Is she paying for the actual wedding?  If not, then she is stepping over the boundaries when it comes to blocking off rooms for your guests and making decisions for the rest of the wedding.  I would suggest that your FI and his Mother have a nice sit down to figure things out.  Of course her family will be more important to her then your own family but compromises need to be made and both sides need to be considered before any decisions are made

Good luck!

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:62cf667f-6203-409d-b3ac-7aebbe9e5b0fPost:2ddbe330-53d8-411a-8a9b-945992d61236">Re: HELP! FMIL probs, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]If your FMIL is paying for the RD, she can plan it how she likes. I would leave the RD alone. She is paying for a party for you and guests and it is one less thing you have to coordinate or pay for. <strong>I would have FI go to bat for you if she is leaving your family out. That is not right. </strong>
Posted by graysquirrel[/QUOTE]

I agree. Fi should remind his mother that your family is hosting both sides of the family for the reception, so she (FMIL) ought to be more considerate of your family.

jmconley08

People always say whoever is paying get to decide but I think that is somewhat redic! If they are paying for your rehearsal dinner wouldn't they want you to be happy with it? Even with the number of guests/menu/etc.

I would have already freaked the f out at this woman! the rehearsal dinner is about you and your FI not her family.

My FMIL started doing small things that were annoying me and I told her. She didn't realize she was doing it and said she would stop giving negative opinions//being pushy about everything.

Good luck with her. She def sound out of control! tell FI he needs to step up now!!!!

Mollybox

Thanks for the help!

I think part of the reason I am getting resistant with the RD is that she has been controlling and pushy with everything since we got engaged, so I feel uncomfortable letting her rule the RD. I will leave the RD guest list/menu up to her. If they want to have 70 people out of our 100 guests at the RD, they can pay for it.

However, she is not contributing to the wedding financially at all. By contrast, my parents are paying for the reception, but are leaving planning up to me as long as I stay in budget and consult them before booking something expensive. I think that is what is irritating me so much; my parents know I'm capapble and are leaving the planning up to me, but my FMIL loudly and constantly comments that I'm not planning well enough.

I just feel like the hotel room situation is going to start making people competitive, and doing the whole "I'm doing this for MY family" defeats the whole purpose of a wedding, and celebrating the fact we will all be ONE family.

graysquirrel

If your FMIL is paying for the RD, she can plan it how she likes. I would leave the RD alone. She is paying for a party for you and guests and it is one less thing you have to coordinate or pay for. I would have FI go to bat for you if she is leaving your family out. That is not right.

As for the hotels, I would reserve a block of rooms with the hotel and let guests know that they are available via your website, STD, and/or invitations. It is up to the guests to figure out where they will be staying. If your FMIL wants to help them find accomodations, I don't see anything wrong with it. If her side wants to all stay at one hotel, then let them. If she is blocking off huge hotels for her side only, then that is wrong. If the block is in the name of your wedding but only her family is allowed to reserve from it, I'd have FI tell her that if it is in the name of your wedding, it should be available to all guests equally.

If your FMIL isn't paying for anything else, she gets no say. She should not be ordering any flowers without your consent. The best thing to do is to have FI explain things to her and have you stay out. He needs to stand up for your right to plan your own wedding.

Mollybox

Oh, he does tell her to cool it when she makes remarks about our wedding planning. We both were at a loss with the RD though, and the etiquette for who is responsible for what.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:62cf667f-6203-409d-b3ac-7aebbe9e5b0fPost:7c527536-ff3c-4d9b-a635-978f3bec010c">Re: HELP! FMIL probs, what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, he does tell her to cool it when she makes remarks about our wedding planning. We both were at a loss with the RD though, and the etiquette for who is responsible for what.
Posted by Mollybox[/QUOTE]

He tells her to cool it? Well, that ought to teach her.

Maggie0829

Another suggestion...stop talking to her about your wedding plans.  Since she isn't paying then she doesn't have a say, so you really don't need to discuss any of your decisions with her...period.  If she doesn't know what you are planning then she won't be able to say anything negative about it.

xadanaex

the hardest thing to do is to let go and have her control it i know but since she is footing the bill she has a major say so thou she should be willing to let u have some say so after all it is for YOU. I asked my mother in law for a list of everybody she would like to attend the wedding letting her know in advance that it was going to be small so the list would probably be shortened. If i were u i would ask her who all needs a room from her side, find out who needs a room from your side and book accordingly so if need be two people that dont get along aren't neighbors. the grooms mother is always gonna feel left out in some way or another thats just how it is. mine wanted to be included so much she offered to foot the catering bill but only if she could serve bill miller's b-b-q... my wedding is alice in wonderland (they def dont eat b-b-q at a tea party!) now while its nice she offered im having to refuse because she wont budge and im not gonna have a tacky wedding. she feels unincluded but i feel its what she gets for not trying to be cooperative. sometimes u just gotta hurt feelings to make them realize they cant control you, i dont mean be mean or rude but if it helps gently remind them of what they seem to be forgeting.