MOH

Chickeedee2011

My MOH is my longest friend, but we are not close any more our lives are vastly different and she is away alot.  With that siad she is going through some really heavy issues and has not been available for me for anything at all.  On top of it all she is a very busy person and is moving a far distance away.  Although even when she lived close we never saw each other. Our relationship is text or email based. 
This is not working for me, I feel guitly because I am upset with her while all this other stuff is going on for her. 
I have tried to be there for her and help or support her but she just wont allow me to.  I figure its a two way street, you help friends and friends help you no matter what the situation is good or bad.  I need support and help for all things wedding and havent been able to get that either, so I am lost in what to do.  I try to meet up with her to have an actual conversation and she doesnt even answer the phone. 
I am sick of being upset and feeling like the bad guy for wanting a few simple things done by my MOH.  I dont feel that the title fits anymore and I am deeply hurt by this whole situation.
Please if you have constructive advice it would be greatly appreciated.

Muffin'sMom

If she comes to the wedding wearing the outfit, she has done her "job".  I understand that you do not feel the relationship anymore, but it sounds like you should have thought about that before you asked her.  There is no way to change the status without looking like a giant bridezilla.

Chickeedee2011

I didnt pick based on what they can do for me at all, I chose because she is my closet friend and very special to me and I wanted her to ba a part of my special day She is a person I couldnt imagine getting married without her..  

My wedding is usually the last topic we would text or email about, its not a big production very simple actually.  What I am trying to say is that our friendship seems to be so non exisitant anymore (for about the last 8 months) , I only really wanted her to join me on dress fittings and that kind of stuff as a way to get together, maybe catch up over a glass of wine.  Talk about life and all things involved, try to he a shoulder for her and the things she is going through. 

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:641bd84f-a035-4759-8691-f2e629a0af42Post:b86297b6-b263-4ae8-9201-29e12d205c94">MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH is my longest friend, but we are not close any more our lives are vastly different and she is away alot.  With that siad she is going through some really heavy issues and has not been available for me for anything at all.  On top of it all she is a very busy person and is moving a far distance away.  Although even when she lived close we never saw each other. Our relationship is text or email based.  This is not working for me, I feel guitly because I am upset with her while all this other stuff is going on for her.  I have tried to be there for her and help or support her but she just wont allow me to.  I figure its a two way street, you help friends and friends help you no matter what the situation is good or bad.  <strong>I need support and help for all things wedding and havent been able to get that either</strong>, so I am lost in what to do.  I try to meet up with her to have an actual conversation and she doesnt even answer the phone.  <strong>I am sick of being upset and feeling like the bad guy for wanting a few simple things done by my MOH</strong>.  I dont feel that the title fits anymore and I am deeply hurt by this whole situation. Please if you have constructive advice it would be greatly appreciated.
Posted by Chickeedee2011[/QUOTE]

Ok so I know I probably bolded the same thing as the PP but I think it needs to noted again.

For all things wedding turn to your FI, who you will be marrying, to help you, not your MOH or other BMs.

What are you looking to have done by your MOH.  She really doesn't have any duties besides being their on your wedding day.

You have to remember that this is your wedding not hers.  She seems to be really busy with her own life (which in no way stops just because you are getting married) and it is great that you are trying to be a good friend, but just because she hasn't helped you package up favors, or ooh'd and ahh'd over all things that are your wedding doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or your friendship.

To give you a little perspective...my MOH (also my sis) lives in Dallas and hasn't helped me with anything and I didn't expect her too.  My one BM lives 5 minutes down the street and we are lucky if we get together for dinner once every 2 months.  She too hasn't helped me with anything wedding related.  Their lack of help (which isn't a necessary thing) is perfectly fine with me because I have had my FI helping (well, when I let him) and it has been a lot of fun planning our day together.

Muffin'sMom

It's not a two way street.  No one should be keeping score.  She is either your best friend and you can't imagine your life without her...or she's not.  That's where you will find your answers.

Chickeedee2011

Friendships arent supposed to be one sided, is what I ment.

And my other half is helping, I have asked her to be there for three things and none of which she has been able to get to with al least a few weeks notice.  No call or anything until about 5 minutes before we were supposed to be there. 

I have a text message relationship with her, how is that a healthy friendship.  She has no idea what she is even supposed to wear to the wedding beause I cant get her to answer her phone or email or text.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:641bd84f-a035-4759-8691-f2e629a0af42Post:b86297b6-b263-4ae8-9201-29e12d205c94">MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH is my longest friend, but we are not close any more our lives are vastly different and she is away alot.  <strong>With that siad she is going through some really heavy issues and has not been available for me for anything at all.</strong>  On top of it all she is a very busy person and is moving a far distance away.  Although even when she lived close we never saw each other. Our relationship is text or email based.  This is not working for me, I feel guitly because I am upset with her while all this other stuff is going on for her.  I have tried to be there for her and help or support her but she just wont allow me to.  I figure its a two way street, you help friends and friends help you no matter what the situation is good or bad.  I need support and help for all things wedding and havent been able to get that either, so I am lost in what to do.  I try to meet up with her to have an actual conversation and she doesnt even answer the phone.  I am sick of being upset and feeling like the bad guy for wanting a few simple things done by my MOH.  I dont feel that the title fits anymore and I am deeply hurt by this whole situation. Please if you have constructive advice it would be greatly appreciated.
Posted by Chickeedee2011[/QUOTE]


Seriously?  You are coming across as being very selfish here.  Have you initiated a friendship with her face to face instead of text messages?  She is going through some big things right now and all you care about is your wedding and things that she is not doing that you feel need to be done.  Any and all wedding planning and preperation needs to be done by you and your FI, not your wedding party. They don't need to plan parties, put together favors, go to tastings, watch you try on your wedding dress or fold programs.  It is rude for you to expect anybody to do that except for your FI.  And the fact that you want to boot her out of your wedding, which will end the friendship and make you look like a bridezilla, is autrocious.  Be a better friend and make an effort to care about her and not your one-day party.

Chickeedee2011

VSGAL -
I appologize for my writting skills not being up to par in trying to explain myself properly here. 
Not once at any point did I say I was kicking her out of my wedding party, I am genuinly concerned for her and the things she has going on.  I try to make arrangements to get together as well as even try calling her to have a real conversation with her, but nothing is working.
I stated in another post that there has been minimal needs on my part, other than to still be friends.  I am just trying to make a point that our friendship is no longer exisitant and its weird, I am trying to be there for her and she is not allowing me to be.  
Please note that my wedding is planned, paid for and ready for the day the last thing I have to do is pick up my dress from the seamstress. 
I only want to have my friendship with her..period.  That is not to much to ask at all or at least i didnt think it was.

Bride2687

Please if you have constructive advice it would be greatly appreciated.

If you are truly concerned about what is going on in her life and repairing your friendship, then that is what you should be focusing on, not what she has and hasn't done for your wedding.  She isn't your MOH so that she can help you plan your wedding or complete specific duties, she is your MOH b/c you wanted her to stand by you for your big day.  I understand the stress that you must be going through planning a wedding, but please remember that everything you are doing for your wedding will all be over and done with in one day ... while freindships span over years and a lifetime.  I would keep making attempts to get in touch with her and explain that you are concerned about her and what she dealing with in her life right now and thats really all you can do.  Leave your wedding out of it. 

saric83

Maybe this is the time to send her a text that says, "Hi Jane! I miss you.  I know you're really busy with life and moving, but I would love to have a wine and packing date with you before the big move.  If there's anything else I can help with, just let me know!"   No wedding talk....just be her friend with no strings or expectations.   

tingleke

I totally understand what you are going through! My MOH has been my "best friend" since we were eight years old, but over the last couple of years she has been growing distant. My MOH isn't going through hard times or anything, but she recently got a new boyfriend and since we don't live in the same city anymore I don't hear anything about her life. Like you, when I picked my MOH I couldn't imagine anyone else because she has been my longest friend and I even considered her to be a sister. 

It is tough to think back on all of the memories you two had together and know that things will probably never be the same. My best advice would be to hang in there until the wedding, and afterwards if she is still distant, send her an email or try and get together with her and let her know exactly how you are feeling. (I know for me this will be tough because she tends to downplay issues between us as Im just being dramatic) After your talk with her if she still doesn't make any effort to be friends with you, then it is time to move one. As hard as that is to do, stop and think, "why would I put so much effort into a friendship if they aren't willing to do so in return?" I know this isn't the best advice, but I hope it helps and I hope your best friend responds back!! Good luck! 

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:641bd84f-a035-4759-8691-f2e629a0af42Post:a24cacaf-12e8-4894-8971-1c3f258fdfdf">Re: MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH : Ok so I know I probably bolded the same thing as the PP but I think it needs to noted again. For all things wedding turn to your FI, who you will be marrying, to help you, not your MOH or other BMs. What are you looking to have done by your MOH.  She really doesn't have any duties besides being their on your wedding day. You have to remember that this is your wedding not hers.  She seems to be really busy with her own life (which in no way stops just because you are getting married) and it is great that you are trying to be a good friend, but just because she hasn't helped you package up favors, or ooh'd and ahh'd over all things that are your wedding doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or your friendship. To give you a little perspective...my MOH (also my sis) lives in Dallas and hasn't helped me with anything and I didn't expect her too.  My one BM lives 5 minutes down the street and we are lucky if we get together for dinner once every 2 months.  She too hasn't helped me with anything wedding related.  Their lack of help (which isn't a necessary thing) is perfectly fine with me because I have had my FI helping (well, when I let him) and it has been a lot of fun planning our day together.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div><div>I have to agree with this. My sister is MOH. She actually lives with us and she hasn't helped at all with wedding stuff. She was there when I picked out my dress and that was by chance. She works a lot and even though we live in the same house she has not helped with planning. That is okay with me. It isn't her job. As long as she gets her dress <em>(which she is slacking on, haha. It is kind of a running joke at our house)</em> I really don't care. People have their own problems.</div><div>
</div><div>My best friend is my other BM and has been helpful if I have questions. I lean on her but I try my best not to depend her because she has her own life like we all do. A while back she almost bought a house. While I was super stressing over stuff I tried not to bother her with wedding problems because I knew she had her own stress with possibly moving and home buying. She didn't need me nagging her about wedding stuff. </div><div>
</div><div>Try to look at it like that. You shouldn't depend on your MOH to help you get your wedding together. You and your FI should do it. </div></div>