FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema

pomundson0

Wondering if there is a tactful way of handling this situation... my FH and I are on a small budget since my parents are unable to contribute financially to the wedding at this time, we planned on covering everything ourselves.  His mom and step-dad have generously offered to host the rehearsal dinner, which is great.  We weren't expecting or assuming they would pitch in, so any help is awesome.  Then things took a bit of a left turn when his mom decided that meant she has total control in the restaurant and food choice.  I have explained to her (after thanking her for helping) that I have a ridiculously sensitive stomach, I need to try the place out first but I'm open to the idea.  He has since gone to the restaurant with her (I'm still living out of town) and liked it, thinks I will like it too, but since the place is only open for breakfast and lunch, we would be going off menu.  My idea was to go in and talk to the owners (since apparently she has already talked to them about the idea of a rehearsal dinner and they were thrilled) about having them possibly prepare the items sometime (not at that minute) so we could sample them.  His mom apparently finds this idea horrible, and has thrown a bit of a fit, saying that since she is paying, it will be at (insert cheap greasy family buffet restaurant's name here) if she says so, we have no say in it.  I'm getting very frustrated.  We haven't said no to this place she first recommended, I just have to try it not only for myself, but to make recommendations for my guests...  which she also wants to cap, but will invite as many of her relatives as she wants. She apparently huffed and rolled her eyes at my wanting to invite my only living grandparents who would be coming in from across the country.  I know there isn't going to be a really polite way of doing this, but is there a tactful way of if she continues to throw temper tantrums and threatens to host the dinner at a horrible place that we can decline?  I will stand in front of a bbq in my own backyard in November to cook for my friends and family if need be. I hate drama and she is being very pushy about a few things that in my opinion she has no place to be, and eventually I will be fed up and snap back and I don't want to ruin our future relationship over something this silly. Any and all help is GREATLY appreciated!!

jerzmom114

Based on what I am hearing, I think you would be better off politely declining her offer to host the rehearsal. You have a long way to go and I think nixing any kind of drama in the bud now would be your best bet. I do agree that yes, if she is paying she does have some say in the place / how many people to invite, but I do think how she seems to be going about it is very rude. ( come on, getting snippy over inviting your grandparents?? ) . if you and your FI can afford it, I would suggest doing it yourselves. And I personally love the idea of a BBQ , nice and simple. Your rehearsal doesn't have to be a big to-do , just your BP and family. Also, I have a sensitive stomach as well, I know how terrible it is to eat somewhere new, then be in pain for hours if the food disagrees with you. That is completely unfair of her to not expect you to even taste the food. Save some room in your budget to accommodate the RD , and all the drama. Good luck

Maggie0829

The one who pays has the final say.  Sorry, but that is just the way it is.  If you do not like what she is planning then politely decline and have a small, inexpensive rehearsal dinner (ie, pizza and beer or pasta, salad and bread) at your home.

But, please remember that this is just a RD...no need to make a gigantic fuss over a two hour dinner.

nlindsay17

If she is paying she gets to say where she is spending her money and on what. She also gets a say in the guest list. Personally if I were on a tight budget I would appreciate what she is doing. Maybe you could eat before you go. If not then decline her offer and do it on your own. Just be ready for the long term resentments this may cause. Best of luck!

MairePoppy

Your FMIL is right. If she is hosting, she gets to choose the location, menu and has final say over the guest list. That said, she could have been nicer about it. You also could be nicer. It's a little bit insulting not to trust her (and your fi's) taste.

I think it's rude of your FMIL to exclude your grandparents from the RD. Your fi should go to bat for you on that one. If she won't concede then it's fine to politely turn down the IL's offer of hosting. Just thank them for stepping up but tell them you've decided on the casual barbecue in your backyard.

Good luck.

jmconley08

Sounds like FMIL is a control freak! I wouldn't want her involved (except of course the money to help is nice). She sounds like shes being a crazy person not thinking your grandparents should go. They def should. I also think you should try some of their food if you have a sensitive stomach. Even if you didn't you should try their food anyways!

It's supposed to be about you and FI not her. Don't let her push you. Just say forget it and that might make her realize how much of a b she's being.

pomundson0

Thank you all for your feedback, you all have some good points and ideas. I hope we can all sit down this weekend when I'm back in town and get it straightened out.  We're all adults and I think (hope) there is just some miscommunication somewhere.

MariePoppy- thanks for the suggestion with having him go to bat for the grandparents.  Also it's not so much trusting her taste in food, its whether I'm going to be running for the bathroom all night!

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-dillema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:644e1fe0-57b1-4b8c-8210-3af3d5f2566dPost:23b0e23a-8865-46c6-b1a2-e69b8f17dffa">Re: FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like FMIL is a control freak! I wouldn't want her involved (except of course the money to help is nice). She sounds like shes being a crazy person not thinking your grandparents should go. They def should. I also think you should try some of their food if you have a sensitive stomach. Even if you didn't you should try their food anyways! It's supposed to be about you and FI not her. Don't let her push you. Just say forget it and that might make her realize how much of a b she's being.
Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]

I have to disagree with you.  Except for not inviting her grandparents, I do not believe her FMIL is being a control freak in the slightest.  She is hosting this party so she has final say in everything.  The brides FI already tasted the food and agrees that the restaurant is nice...if the bride does not trust her FI to decide if the place is appropriate she has bigger issues then the RD.  She should be appreciative that they are offering to host a RD instead of b$tching about all the decisions made.  If she absolutely does not like what is being planned then decline the offer and then pay for it herself.  In no way is her FMIL being a b$tch, in fact the bride is being the brat in this situation.

MairePoppy

@pomundson0 - if you have allergies, are wheat or lactose intolerant, or have some other medical condition-then you should let your FMIL know which foods you can't eat. She can pass the information along to the cook so they can provide a meal that you can eat without getting sick. That makes sense. But expecting a tasting of all the food, when she is the host, is micro-managing.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-dillema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:644e1fe0-57b1-4b8c-8210-3af3d5f2566dPost:23b0e23a-8865-46c6-b1a2-e69b8f17dffa">Re: FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like FMIL is a control freak! I wouldn't want her involved (except of course the money to help is nice). She sounds like shes being a crazy person not thinking your grandparents should go. They def should. I also think you should try some of their food if you have a sensitive stomach. Even if you didn't you should try their food anyways! It's supposed to be about you and FI not her. Don't let her push you. Just say forget it and that might make her realize how much of a b she's being.
Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]

I disagree on two things
1. The RD is actually in honor of the wedding party. It's to thank them for participating in the rehearsal as well as any other help they may have volunteered.
2.The FMIL is the host of this RD, not the bride and groom. It is the hosts prerogative to decide on the menu. If you are invited to a party, you don't expect to sample the food ahead of time or for the host to ask your approval  on the menu, right?

ElisabethJoanne

You can take others' advice and decline her offer to host.

If you don't do that, as long as your medical concerns don't extend to something like an environmental allergy, I don't think you can even insist on food you can eat, if someone else is paying. I think she's silly to put up roadblocks to your being able to eat the food, and she'd look super-silly if you just sip water throughout the rehearsal dinner, but she's the hostess, and, as others have said, an individual can't insist on particular menus to accomodate that individual at a party hosted by others.

But is there a way you can get around the roadblocks? Can you go yourself and offer to pay for a tasting? Ask to speak to a manager and say you need to be discrete because you don't want to offend your FMIL.

As for the guest list, I think it's fine for grooms' parents, who aren't hosting the wedding reception, to want to host a rehearsal dinner that's like a big pre-party for their "side." They still have to invite everyone necessary for the rehearsal and those persons' significant others, but if they want to invite more people, that's there perogative, and I don't think the "sides" need to be balanced or even at the rehearsal dinner. If you want extra time with your grandparents that day, make an appointment with them for immediately after the rehearsal dinner.

ymagaia

I am a mother-in-law. We paid for the rehersal dinner. We asked the bride and groom where they'd like to have it and what they'd like to have offered on the menu. I have to agree that I think the FMIL is a CONTROL FREAK. It is not about her at all, it's not her day, or her wedding or about her, PERIOD. I asked questions, got their specifics planned the whole night and then FADED INTO THE BACKGROUND where I BELONGED. If she is going to be a high maintenance mother-in-law, (which I happen to have one of) do not let her start to have any kind of control even before you get married. It will only escalate and get much worse. So, if she doesn't cave a bit, thank her and decline gratiously.

ymagaia

Oh, and I strongly disagree with Maggie0829, that the bride is being a brat. It's her day, she has nutritional issues and the FMIL should be falling over backwards to make her day special and NOT VICE VERSA. I agree totally with jmcoley08. Sounds like she is a high maintenance woman.....and, as a woman, I am offended by high and repulsed by maintenance women.

melntaitt

I have a nasty peanut allergy (I mean nasty) and I wouldn't be ok if my dear FMIL insisted on taking us to Five Guys for the RD; just saying.

I would do my best to research the place, find out what they serve because at least you will have some idea whether or not you can tolerate it and make a decision based on that. Personally, I know what it's like to not be able to eat certain foods and having to carefully survey the food before consuming it in case something gets lost in there that shouldn't have. 

I think you're sensitive to the fact that you weren't included in the choice or that she wasn't more sensitive to your dietary needs. It got blown way out of proportion and both of you need to take a step back.

Find a middle ground, but be mindful if you accept her gift, you have to also accept the consequences which is food you may not care for at a location you may not like. She should also be mindful of your dietary needs and take those into consideration.

Good luck to you...

pomundson0

To clarify, there would be only two dishes prepared, neither of which anyone has tried (only their current menu items).  We would happily pay for any samples if they would allow it, we aren't expecting any of this for free.  Thanks for the good luck wishes, guys, I'm going to need them this weekend!

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-dillema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:644e1fe0-57b1-4b8c-8210-3af3d5f2566dPost:5431b51d-334d-4999-a92d-b3c5b8a0decf">Re: FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and I strongly disagree with Maggie0829, that the bride is being a brat. It's her day, she has nutritional issues and the FMIL should be falling over backwards to make her day special and NOT VICE VERSA. I agree totally with jmcoley08. Sounds like she is a high maintenance woman.....and, as a woman, I am offended by high and repulsed by maintenance women.
Posted by ymagaia[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but when you add other people into the mix it stops being just about the bride and groom.  Anyway, a RD is to thank the WP for being a part of their day, NOT to gush over the bride a groom...sorry but weddings are not just about the bride and groom, they are about celebrating two families coming together and sharing that day with family and friends.  If the bride and groom want it to be just about them, then I suggest they elope.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-dillema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:644e1fe0-57b1-4b8c-8210-3af3d5f2566dPost:24a6b7ae-7210-4f66-9428-b4b4aa1a4612">Re: FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema</a>:
[QUOTE]To clarify, there would be only two dishes prepared, neither of which anyone has tried (only their current menu items).  We would happily pay for any samples if they would allow it, we aren't expecting any of this for free.  Thanks for the good luck wishes, guys, I'm going to need them this weekend! ;)
Posted by pomundson0[/QUOTE]

Just so you know, my FMIL planned our RD at a restaurant I had never been to before and chose a few options for the group to order from.  I never tried the food beforehand, would never have dreamed of asking for a tasting, and managed to find something that I liked from the menu the day of the RD.  I too have a sensitive stomach to certian foods and if there was something on the menu that would have made me feel not so great I would quietly ask the server if the chef could make me something different.  I wouldn't start a big fight with my MIL about how she isn't taking my needs into consideration and how it is selfish of her not to listen to what I want...guess what, this isn't YOUR party this is your FMIL party...she is paying, she is the host so she gets final say.

steffenfam

Since the restaurant in question is a breakfast/lunch type place, and typically don't do catering, it's highly unlikely that they would accommodate a "tasting" for you.  However, they are specially making two entrees for the RD.  What are the entrees?  You should know if it's something you can eat or not (example - if it's alfredo and you have a problem with dairy, then choose the other option). 

I think both you and your FMIL are in need of compromise - you should let her plan the dinner (there's got to be SOMETHING you can eat) and she should let you invite your g-parents.

jmconley08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-dillema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:644e1fe0-57b1-4b8c-8210-3af3d5f2566dPost:3a3f894d-dc96-4cca-9758-06251540ecac">Re: FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema : I have to disagree with you.  Except for not inviting her grandparents, I do not believe her FMIL is being a control freak in the slightest.  She is hosting this party so she has final say in everything.  The brides FI already tasted the food and agrees that the restaurant is nice...if the bride does not trust her FI to decide if the place is appropriate she has bigger issues then the RD.  She should be appreciative that they are offering to host a RD instead of b$tching about all the decisions made.  If she absolutely does not like what is being planned then decline the offer and then pay for it herself.  In no way is her FMIL being a b$tch, in fact the bride is being the brat in this situation.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]



Of course you disagree with me...
 
The bride has stomach issues so her FI tasting the food doesn't help her decide lol His stomach is not the same as hers so you didn't make a good point there.

I think she is grateful but concerned about certain things, which I can understand.

And she is hardly being a brat. FMIL does not just get to host the rehearsal. It's not hers to host if the bride/her FI don't want her to. It is their day and you would think FMIL would understand that and try to help not being annoying.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner-dillema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:644e1fe0-57b1-4b8c-8210-3af3d5f2566dPost:67851eb2-ed0d-4801-9ade-73c28ce11d5c">Re: FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL Rehearsal Dinner Dillema : Of course you disagree with me...   The bride has stomach issues so her FI tasting the food doesn't help her decide lol His stomach is not the same as hers so you didn't make a good point there. I think she is grateful but concerned about certain things, which I can understand. And she is hardly being a brat. FMIL does not just get to host the rehearsal. It's not hers to host if the bride/her FI don't want her to. It is their day and you would think FMIL would understand that and try to help not being annoying.
Posted by jmconley08[/QUOTE]

FMIL is paying so she is hosting...period!

She should be able to trust her FI to taste food and know whether or not it would bother her sensitive stomach...I am sure he knows about her stomach issues and would not be ok with a place that may make her sick.

I agree that if the bride and groom do not want the RD that FMIL is planning then they need to decline, but the bride is being a brat because instead of just being an adult and saying "thanks, but no thanks" she is causing problems and arguing with her FMIL who is generously planning a RD...and I doubt she would choose a restaurant that would make her sick as well.

Again, the RD is not about the bride and groom but it is a thank you to the entire wedding party.

pomundson0

So going and talking to the restaurant to see if they will let me set up a future appointment at their convenience (maybe see if they would be willing to run it as a lunch special?) and pay to sample the items is rude, but asking them the night of to come up with something entirely different on the spot is not asking too much? It's not a simple case of knowing what I react to, it's not like a food allergy (which sometimes I think would be so much easier to work with), I don't know what I'll react to, and even if it is absolutely delicious, I find out a while later that I'm in for a very unpleasant several hours, which is a concern to me the night before the biggest day of my life. Forgive me for wanting to be well rested and fresh looking in photos.

I'm not trying to be snarky or pick a fight, I'm trying to get different opinions on a situatuion from an outside source.  I have gotten everything from supportive to critical (mostly constructive), which is the whole point of these boards.  That being said, the childish name calling of a first time poster should be beneith anyone old enough to post on these boards.  My FI and I haven't had the opportunity to sit down with the FMIL yet (I hope to this weekend) and we can sort it all out, but I was hoping to get several opinions to see things from different perspectives beforehand, which I have. 

Thank you everyone for their thoughts, a certain member had been blocked from this thread for the above reason.

CowgirlK39

I was going to ask what exactly the issue is with the food, but your post above just covered that. Since it is not a defined allergy, just a weak stomach, then I think you need to decline. RD's are not another version of the reception... so this shouldn't be such a big deal. You are the one who knows what for sure you can eat, so it would be best for you and your FI to do it yourself for your own sake. Like PPs said, thank your FMIL very much but say your dietary concerns are too much to factor in at this moment. I think if you didn't have such a food issue, then you would be the one in the wrong here. However, since you have a need that has to be taken into account, then she is wrong for not wanting to do so. Thus, its best for you to do what you need to to ensure you aren't sick.

mandctaft

I think that because she is paying she has the say in it, but I think you are completely okay asking for a sampling of what they will be serving (as long as you pay for the plate) You don't want to try something new and be stuck in the bathroom all night because it didn't agree with your stomach. If it doesn't agree with you now, just know that when it comes time for the RD, eat the salad, bread, or whatever, then maybe go for something to eat with your grandparents, because even if they are at the RD, there's no way they wouldn't want to spend some time with you.

Ilumine

I guess I am stuck with the need to sample the food. If you have an allergy or sensitivity to certain ingredients, it is perfectly ok to contact the restaurant to ensure that said ingredient(s) is not used. But tasting it advance? To me, if I were the MIL, it sounds like you just want to see of the food passes muster. and since your FI, the man who is supposed to know you best, has an idea what you can/cannot eat, he should have discussed this with the site while there. Becuase either you are allergic/sensitive or you are not. It won't change with YOU there. If my future son in law pulled something like this with me, I would e a bit offended.