Frustrated and a little angry over shower

CarrieBig

So, I am a MOH for my friend.  She told me that her mom wasn't planning on hosting/throwing a shower so myself and another bridesmaid offered to throw her one.  She told us her mom wouldn't want to help plan it.

Well, we made a big mistake and tried to make the date and location a surprise.  We also made the mistake of not checking with her mom to make sure she could make that day.  I didn't realize she works every Sunday.  Well, she asked us when it was...we told her and she said her mom couldn't make it.  She wouldn't even check to see if her mom coud take the day off.  She demanded we change the date.  I know we messed up but since she knew we wre planning a shoer it ould have been nice to have a heads-up that Sundays don't work.

But, anyways we changed the date after invites had already sent out.  Resent new ones, emailed and called people.  Then, she want to invite 15 more people even though we were already at our limit.   Fine, we do it.  Then she needs us to invite one more important relative she forgot to add.  We ask her if it is really important because if everyone says yes we are in trouble.   She says very! so we invite that person.

Now, she calls the other bridesmaid and says we $@#$ed up her shower.  First, with not checking with her mom, then we should have had it at her mom's house so we could invite more people.  Well, if her mom wanted to have it at her house why didn't she offer!  I am kind of angry, very frustrated and a little hurt.  I feel like I'm doing all of this work and she does not appreciate it.  I know this sounds wierd and mean but I feel lke putting no more effort into it.    I don't plan on saying anything to her since she didn't say it to me but does anyone of any thoughts or advice on what to do from here?  Thanks!

LDubHawksFan

Yikes, she sounds horrid!  She needs to understand that you are throwing this shower as a gift and it isn't monitory. Yes, you should have checked with VIPs like her mom first, but what's done is done, and you have gone ahead and changed it.  Unfortunately you are in a pickle for not having enough space for all those guests.  Unfortunately I think you need to find a new restaurant to host it at.  I would add that one person because you already need more space, but next time your bride vents, just calmly explain that her mother is attending as a guest and not a host.  Her home was not made available and that you are trying your best to host a nice shower for her.  Also, I would probably stop trying too hard with preparations.  It sounds like even if you spend a ton of $ and time on games and decorations, etc, this bride isn't going to be happy anyway.

PrimRoseMama

Well you did kind of screw up in the beginning, but it seems like you have done the best you can to fix it. Throw the shower get it over with. This bride needs to remember that a shower is an honor gift. It's not a right. You might also want to have a heart to heart with the bride. She is veering dangerously close to Bridezillas territory.

MairePoppy

I remember you from the prewedding parties board. I'm sorry you're still agonizing over this shower. You made a mistake in trying to surprise the bride and not clearing the date with her and her VIPs. I think you did your best to make it right.

The number of guests is determined by the hosts and their budget(s). You should have told her you couldn't add any more guests. If MOB wants she could have hosted those family members, herself, at a date that was convenient for her. The bride should not have put that burden on you.

I think you're stuck now. You should just get it over with. Don't say anything to the bride, unless she comments directly to you.

By the way, I'm an MOB. If you had gone through the trouble of planning a shower for my daughter, I would have canceled whatever plans I had to be there. And I would have offered you my house and help with the food.

Good luck.

MairePoppy

That's true. The mom may not be able to change her work schedule and it was crappy of me to imply that she should. But the MOB and/or the bride shouldn't have expected everyone else to change their plans - after the invitations had gone out.

CarrieBig

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-and-a-little-angry-over-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:64bbfe9e-54fe-49d9-bdc8-287c7336d0a1Post:f690ec74-2dbd-40a7-af33-0c59a830d086">Re: Frustrated and a little angry over shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated and a little angry over shower : Well, in all fairness to the mom, it doesn't sound like she was given the chance to offer these things, since the girls planned it without her input.  And it's easy to say you would have "canceled whatever plans you had" but if those plans were your job and you weren't able to get off, then it's also unfair to assume that the MOB should miss work.  However, I do agree with Maire that you've done all you can do to make ammends and correct your screw up.  I would let it go and NOT mention it to the bride at all.  I know everyone's saying she's a bridezilla, but my bet is that she's stressed and dealing with mom or someone else being upset over the original shower snafu (who wants to bet that these last minute VIPs are coming from mom or someone else?) and I can understand why she needed to vent to you friend just like you're venting to us.  I'd just go ahead with what you have planned and let the water pass under the bridge when it's over.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

   But, in all fairness to us, she had a chance to host the shower in the beginning and we wouldn't be in charge of the planning.  The only reason why we are planning/hosting the shower is she did not want to.  And if these VIP's are from Mom, I have a reason to be upset...you don't want to host or help but you want to determine the guest list.  And we did give the bride a set number of people we could host, and she went over it again and again.  But, we accomadated her because the other bridesmaid is semi-afraid of her.
    And okay, I get she maybe stressed and ventin but vent to another one of your friends...not the one of the bridesmaids helping throw it.  As these board have taught me, a shower is not mandatory so why is it okay that she is telling us we #$*$ed it uo when without us she woulodn't be having a shower.

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-and-a-little-angry-over-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:64bbfe9e-54fe-49d9-bdc8-287c7336d0a1Post:25a81c8e-897c-4f97-a306-bfae6dc93a55">Re: Frustrated and a little angry over shower</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated and a little angry over shower :    But, in all fairness to us, she had a chance to host the shower in the beginning and we wouldn't be in charge of the planning.  The only reason why we are planning/hosting the shower is she did not want to.  And if these VIP's are from Mom, I have a reason to be upset...you don't want to host or help but you want to determine the guest list.  And we did give the bride a set number of people we could host, and she went over it again and again.  But, we accomadated her because the other bridesmaid is semi-afraid of her.     And okay, I get she maybe stressed and ventin but vent to another one of your friends...not the one of the bridesmaids helping throw it.  As these board have taught me, a shower is not mandatory so why is it okay that she is telling us we #$*$ed it uo when without us she woulodn't be having a shower.
Posted by CarrieBig[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately maybe her mom wasn't in a position to host it.  Or maybe she was like my mom who thought it would look bad if she hosted.  Regardless, I think we can all agree that Mom's schedule should have been considered.  From the OP, I thought all of her additional guests weren't necessarily VIPs, but just friends that she wanted included.  You and BM should have stuck to your guns about the total amount of ppl she could invite.  I think the Bride is super stressed and not being grateful, but I think you should just try to get past the shower as best as you can.

CarrieBig

Actually the extra 15 were not family friends they were just friends of the bride so that could not have been avoided. And just to clarify I never said if MOB wanted to BE at the shower she should host it...I said if she wanted to have it at her house or determine the guest list she should host it or help. You are right that she may not be in the position to host but she surely could have offered to help...MOG has offered to bring food...we did extend an offer to be involved in planning. But I agree with you StageManager it's not worth it to talk to bride about it...that would cause more stress on me and the bride...and you are right this shower is no longer fun...but I will do my best to smile through it and try to make sure everyone invited and the bride at least enjoys themselves.