Guest list issues - a little long sorry!

aacc

hello all
i have a problem with FMIL and the guest list for the wedding and bridal shower.
first, months ago both sets of parents were told to create a wedding guest list for their side of the family.  that was fine.
later, as we finalized the list to gather addresses, FMIL changed half the list to other people.  fine.
then i took all females from the wedding list for the shower list.  FMIL asked if she could invite people not on the wedding list to the shower and i said no because it is very poor etiquette.  i also said there are already thirty people that will attend the shower and that is more than i wanted but was ok with it.
now, FMIL is trying to add a few more people to the shower (which i assume she wants invited to the wedding since i already explained you can't invite people to the shower and not the wedding).  she did not ask me if i wanted these people invited, not that i know them anyway and my fiance does not have any preference they attend since they are not family, just close family.  our wedding list is already over capacity so we can't add anybody else.  and i have been strict with my side of the family that we really can't add anybody other than who was on the original list because i have a large family on both sides.  i feel my fiance and i have been accomodating to FMIL by changing her list a few times, but now she is just inviting people without asking - she's informing me to add so and so to the list (saying she already sent a STD email to them).  it's getting to the point that half of the people at the shower i will not know.  not to sound selfish/greedy or anything, but isn't this my party?  i know it's only a few people, but can i say no to adding these extra people?  at some point you have to say no, right?  like i said we were accomodating already and our lists are already over capacity for the wedding and over the number i ok'd for the shower.  she just keeps adding and adding...
(ps:  fiance's parents contributed some money to the wedding to use as we please - we're paying off the venue with it.  FMIL is helping with the shower.)

ElisabethJoanne

If your fmil is planning your shower, she can make it a big party. You should point out to her, however, how offensive it would be to invite someone to a shower but not the wedding, and that you CANNOT have any more wedding guests. You say "over capacity": if that's literal, say the Fire Department won't allow these extra people. The wedding could be shut down.

If it's a budget thing, just say, "We do not have room for any more guests. Please give me your final list in three days, and please stop inviting people. There is no room."

If all your FILs covered was the reception venue, that doesn't give them say in extra guests beyond you, your future husband's, and your parents' selections.

marshallal

I had a similar issue with my FMIL regarding the wedding itself (she doesnt seem to realize yet that I'm supposed to get a shower) where she kept adding people to the list. Invitations were out, with their side being almost double my side, and my recently widowed mother picking up the tab, and her constantly saying but it's just one more couple. I had to learn quickly to say, but thats two hundred dollars we don't have, and if you're willing to contribute for every "extra couple" then we'll start the tab and send the invite today. It was really effective.

jwp325

I feel the pain here.  My FMIL is over her limit, still thinking about whether or not to invite others, and complaining that she can't invite friends since my mom isn't allowing her more people.  Um, yeah my mom is paying for everything except for FMIL's guest overages.  FMIL has a very big family, but we also have to include FFIL's family (he and FMIL divorced when FI was baby). 

She also thinks that my mom's estimated per plate budget is too expensive.  Well, that's my mom's decision, not FMIL.  I'm in a similar position at Marshallal because we lost my father in December and mom is committed to giving me the wedding she and my dad would have planned together and she's not paying for cheap or tacky (but that's a different issue).  I agree that you just need to learn to say no, it's too much or we're at our limit. 

Also as my FI says little boys don't dream about their wedding days, they dream about cars and machines, etc.  He's tried to explain to FMIL that this is my day and he wants me to be happy.  Talk to your FI and have him back you up and help his mother get the guest list under control.  It is his mother after all.

aacc

Thank you for your replies!
My fiance has had it with this guest list drama, so he agrees.  We told her it is just not possible to add anybody else due to both budget for my parents' sake (they are hosting the reception) and due to space issues, but we did acknowledge FMIL's involvement and showed appreciation for it all.  BUT NO MORE! LOL