Moms and Maids

At a loss with FMIL

I should start this out by saying that I'm a welcoming person. I like to keep people involved and updated and with wedding planning, I'm no different.  My FI and I moved 9 months ago to a small town for his job so we have no friends or family here.  He proposed and we decided that since our family is so spread out across the country and would all be traveling anyway, lets go to Florida to get married (we live in Texas).  So we booked a wedding in Key Largo with a beautiful private beach ceremony.
So then the drama begins.  My FMIL is very, very Catholic and my FI and I aren't really church goers.  We discussed it and decided that we wanted to get married outside on the beach and not in a church.  If a priest would do it outside then great but it was not a really big must have for us.  Well, as it turns out you can't have a Catholic ceremony outside. I was not raised Catholic so I didn't know this. Well my FI talked to his Mom before we booked (and paid for) the venue back in May and again about a month ago when she brought up getting married in the church again. He explained that this is what we want and we're trying to do what is important to us while seeing how we can incorporate her wishes in where we can. 
Well now she has called churches down in the Keys where the wedding is and had us 'penciled' in with a church down there.  She talked to a priest and basically we have the date booked there once we give them the money!!!!  We've already paid for a ceremony venue and talked to her about this twice!!  I'm so frustrated.
I don't think that my FI or I realized just how important this was to her before we started the planning process so I know that's where we went wrong.  My problem now is trying to figure out where to go from here. She keeps bringing it up and it's causing friction between my FI and I. He doesn't want me to talk with her right now (she has requested to only speak with him about this matter) even about other details but he's avoiding having this converstation with her again. I understand why he doesn't want to do it and I really don't have any doubt in him defending me with her. My concern is, is this really going to continue to dampen this whole planning process. We're trying to keep this fun and I want to include her in other things regarding the wedding but right now this is all she can focus on. I should probably also mention that my parents are playing for practically the entire wedding with some additional help from us. His parents might be paying for a rehearsal dinner. 
Wow, this got long and kind of like a rant.  I just don't know what to do with her any more but it's constantly weighing on me and I feel like it's affecting my relationship with my FI.  Help!!
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Re: At a loss with FMIL

  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You and FI need to be on the same page as far as how you are dealing with.

    I would start by calling the church and priest and telling them there was a miscommunication and you will be cancelling that date.  She has stepped way over any proper boundaries with this.

    I married in to a Catholic family and I understand that marriage is one of the Sacraments.  However, if the person does not wish to marry in the Church I'm sure a lot of thought went into that and MIL needs to accept it.

    Don't change any plans and make sure all of your vendors in Florida know that they can only accept changes in any plans from you or FI.  If she booked a church for you, who knows what she will do next.

    Your FI needs to sit her down and tell her firmly and finally that you are getting married on the beach and she can choose to accept that and enjoy everything, or be disgruntled and miserable.  Is he willing to be that firm with her and end this now?
  • edited December 2011
    If you are not Catholic and he isn't a practicing Catholic then getting married in a Catholic church is hypocritical. You shouldn't get married in a church if it means nothing to you. Getting married in a church should be for those who are practicing that religion. Plus, you would actually have to go through precana classes to get married in a Catholic church.

    Personally, I wouldn't let anyone guilt me in to getting married in a church if that isn't what I wanted. Especially if that person wasn't paying for the wedding. I think you should take the advice of FI and not talk to FMIL about the wedding plans and let him be firm with her about not having it in a church. Just surround yourself with positive people who will be happy with your decisions.
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    If you and your FI "aren't really church goers", it would not be right to marry in a church just for your FMIL.  You get married in a church because you believe in their teachings and you want God to strengthen your marriage because of your beliefs in the teachings.

    I hope your FI continues to be firm with her about this.  I would call the church back and cancel the date, if you have their information.  As suggested I would also call all vendors and confirm that only you, FI and your parents can make any changes to your event.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    ditto PPs.
    I wonder how your FMIL managed to pencil in a date with a church, when she doesn't belong to it. The Catholic church has requirements that must be met before marriage, such as pre-cana. What did she tell the priest?

    kmmssg has a good point about contacting your vendors. A woman who has gone through the process of contacting churches without your permission, might also cancel your ceremony sight, without your permission.

    She has a lot of nerve doing this and then refusing to discuss it with you.

    Good luck with your FMIL, abby, you're going to need it.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    I'm so glad to see that you guys agree with me and that I'm not crazy!  I hadn't thought about making sure my other vendors know not to listen to her about things, especially cancellations. 
    I also agree that getting married in a church just to please his Mom is hipocritical (horrible spelling) and I don't want to do it.  Thankfully she lives far away so I don't really have much contact with her.  It just seems like this came out of no where.  He and I have been together for 7 1/2 years at this point and we've always gotten along great.  I think she's having to confront the fact that her kids aren't religious like she is.
    Oh well!
    Thanks Ladies!  I feel better!
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with all of the PPs.

    Your FMIL is really over stepping her boundaries with calling the church to pencil you in.

    I would honestly stop discussing any of the plans with her at this point. I'd just tell her the only thing she needs to do now is show up.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_loss-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:681d6737-c932-4c26-9ed4-1bc4401e5f85Post:6cd41082-cb97-451e-b39f-14b8bf5887b5">Re: At a loss with FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]You and FI need to be on the same page as far as how you are dealing with. I would start by calling the church and priest and telling them there was a miscommunication and you will be cancelling that date.  She has stepped way over any proper boundaries with this. I married in to a Catholic family and I understand that marriage is one of the Sacraments.  However, if the person does not wish to marry in the Church I'm sure a lot of thought went into that and MIL needs to accept it. Don't change any plans and make sure all of your vendors in Florida know that they can only accept changes in any plans from you or FI.  If she booked a church for you, who knows what she will do next. Your FI needs to sit her down and tell her firmly and finally that you are getting married on the beach and she can choose to accept that and enjoy everything, or be disgruntled and miserable.  Is he willing to be that firm with her and end this now?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    This
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • Charmed59Charmed59 member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    This is really between him and his mother.  She just realized the child she raised Catholic has chosen to step away from the religion for the rest of his life. This has everything to do with him and nothing with you, so respect her request to only discuss it with her sone and don't take it personally.  

    If I were you I would confirm with my vendors that only you can change any plans, just in case.  But I'd leave the church alone.  I suspect she just knows it's not booked yet, and if another bride shows up with a deposit that day is hers.
  • m0carey9m0carey9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can write a book back to you.

    First of all---it is your wedding. This is your big day with your soon-to-be husband. If you want the wedding on a beach, then that is where you need to have it. You cannot worry about steping on toes and hurting someone. In the end, if they care about their son they will be happy for him/

    Second--MIL's are difficult. VERY. I had a catholic wedding. My husband and I were both raised in the catholic church and we decided that is what we wanted. NOW, my mother in law doesnt like me at all. Actually, she had the first church (yes, after we had the invitations sent out..everyhting paid for) CANCLED. We had to find a 2nd church and new priest within 1 month before our wedding...mind you we planned this for 18 mths at this point. She then went to her family and made up stories...and guess what. My husband only had 3 family members attend. (from an invited 150). We got married in May, and we have not spoken to them since.

    You will always have trouble with the inlaws..and it is your husbands job to put his foot down, or she will never stop. if you want to wedding on the beach, that is where you need to have it. If you give in to her once...be prepeared after kids and later down the road to always have to give in.
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