Moms and Maids

Matron of Honor is more like dishonor

Forget it, I decided that I dont need help anymore. Thank you all
The happy Bride, Essie

Re: Matron of Honor is more like dishonor

  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Is she your friend or just your best friends wife?  I think that you should talk to her about some of these issues you're having.  It could just be her personality and no one has been offended, or brought up the topic, by her behavior.  
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  • edited December 2011
    Well the thing is, if you "fire" your matron of honour, you will also be losing your actual best friend.  So there go two friendships.  Also, as the bride, you'll look bad for firing her, she's actually, really, done nothing wrong.  I know she irritates you, but she's really done nothing worthy of being "fired".

    Why did you ask her instead of your actual best friend?
  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-like-dishonor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:68d3b2fc-9039-4667-9ef5-baa7863921a1Post:496d6805-cefc-4283-8ab6-8e88dcf012e2">Re: Matron of Honor is more like dishonor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well the thing is, if you "fire" your matron of honour, you will also be losing your actual best friend.  So there go two friendships.  Also, as the bride, you'll look bad for firing her, she's actually, really, done nothing wrong.  I know she irritates you, but she's really done nothing worthy of being "fired". <strong>Why did you ask her instead of your actual best friend?
    </strong>Posted by covejack[/QUOTE]

    This is what I'm wondering...

    There's no way you can demote her without causing a problem.  You can try tactfully talking to her about the things that upset you, but honestly I'd just try to let it go..
  • edited December 2011
    Yes it sounds like she just doesnt have any social manners.  Im not sure if its your place to say something to her.  How does her husband act?  He has to notice these things too, esp the unzipping pants in public and burping at the dinner table.  It really is his place to tell her to stop not yours. 

    Knowing myself though, I would probably end up saying something to your friend, but not her.  I mean you dont want her to do these things at your wedding.  That probably isnt the correct way to handle it either though but I too would be disgusted and frustrated with her. 

    I think its rude to fire her and pp are right you will loose your friend, so for now avoid doing things with her as much as you can.  Hopefully she isnt doing a speech at your wedding and you have other BMs to buffer her behavior on the day of your wedding.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Start with clear communication.  You need to let her know how you feel about the things she did and how she treated your mother. She violated many boundaries and her manners are crude at best. 

    As a MOB I can tell you if she had thrown her hands up at me and told me she knew what my DD wanted she would have needed a bandaid or twelve, or a sling, or something.   That would have been acceptable since she would have thought I wasn't Christian enough. That was unbelievable.

    That is not a "you're fired" convo, it is a let's get the cards on the table convo.  Talk about it with a goal of working it out.

    As far as your BFF, what would happen to your relationship with him if you talked to him about this?  What would happen to that relationship if you fire her?  My BFF is a guy and my most cherished friendship.  I would be crushed if it were jeopardized.

    Boundaries need to be set with her and that is going to be tricky.  You thought of her as a best friend prior to all of this so that kind of puzzles me.  I would tell her the things I have loved about the friendship and try to work it out.

    I think you are taking a chance of losing a BFF in all of this. 
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-like-dishonor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:68d3b2fc-9039-4667-9ef5-baa7863921a1Post:642932d2-8f82-484f-827c-5a8027c167b7">Matron of Honor is more like dishonor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello my fellow brides! ...Help... I took my fiance and my matron of honor, along with her husband ( my best friend) for a weekend trip to my mothers house. I could go into detail of every thing she did that just felt like sand paper against a cut, but I would be wasting everyone's time. The main issues: Went into my bedroom, where my finace was sleeping in his boxer briefs no covers, to let my dogs out of the kennel when I was just across the hall in the bathroom with the door closed getting ready to go let them out. Told my mom she, basically, wasn't Christian enough because she has a boyfriend and not a husband. Moved my mothers guest bedroom decor around because she didn't like it. At a dress shop threw her hands in my mothers way ( I was int he dressing room) and told my mother to stop because she knew what I wanted, and that my mom can just relax. She burps at the dinner table, doesn't asked to be excused, and then will gladly starts discussing bodily functions. sex details about my best friend, I consider my brother..oh..she gives them! <strong>Am I over reacting? How do I tell her that I have seen her true colors and dont want her apart of my wedding with out putting a gap between my best friend.</strong> I thought she was a best friend... ...help?...
    Posted by futuremrsvanpeltjr[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I would say a little over reacting on the table manners, personal details stuff but not for her being disrespectful to your mother. Since you are friends with this girl you need to have an open conversation about her manners. Hopefully, she just needs a voice to tell her that her actions are inappropriate to your mother.</div><div>
    </div><div>Other then that, no, she hasn't done anything wrong to get the boot. If you do want to kick her out, there is NO tactful way to do it without hurting if not losing your best friend. So like suggested about and by other people have an honest polite talk with her about her actions.</div><div>

    </div>
  • edited December 2011
    I don't understand why your best friend's gender makes him unsuitable to be MOH.

    ETA: To clarify, I think you chose the wrong person because clearly this woman is not as close a friend to you as her husband is. However, you can't change that now just because you're annoyed by her. She didn't assault you or your fiancé and she didn't try to sleep with either of you. Therefore, you have no acceptable reason to end the friendship (and thus remove her from the wedding party, which is a friendship-ending move and as a PP pointed out would lose you her husband as a friend as well).
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-like-dishonor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:68d3b2fc-9039-4667-9ef5-baa7863921a1Post:34ef6a70-bc9c-424d-a11f-e519e46fdd0f">Re: Matron of Honor is more like dishonor</a>:
    [QUOTE]my best friend is her husband. <strong>not wanting a man as my moh</strong>. so if your moh or a friend went into the bedroom of yiur sleeping other, you guys would be ok with it?
    Posted by futuremrsvanpeltjr[/QUOTE]

    <div>Your MOH is supposed to be your best friend, male or female. Is your best friend in the wedding at all? </div><div>
    </div><div>As for her going into your FI's room, you said it was just to let the dogs out. Maybe she just did it because you were in the bathroom and she knew they needed to go out? If she had plopped onto the bed with him or somthing, then yeah, that would have pissed me off, but I think you're overthinking this. </div>
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I'm confused. Did she start exhibiting these behaviors after you asked her to be your MOH, or has she always been this way?
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I was wondering how you didn't notice this behaviour before you asked her, also. And how old is she?

    Your friend's lack of social skills is disturbing, but there is no way to kick her out of your wedding party without damaging the relationship with her and her husband. You can set boundaries, though, as various situations arise. Tell her to always knock before she enters the bedroom. Let her know that she offended your mom. Stop her when she starts to talk about her sex life.

    I'm not sure how I feel about the table manners. It seems like she could benefit from some mentoring from a caring friend. But you have to tread delicately, there.

    Good luck.
                       
  • casims3casims3 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-like-dishonor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:68d3b2fc-9039-4667-9ef5-baa7863921a1Post:34ef6a70-bc9c-424d-a11f-e519e46fdd0f">Re: Matron of Honor is more like dishonor</a>:
    [QUOTE]my best friend is her husband. not wanting a man as my moh. <strong>so if your moh or a friend went into the bedroom of yiur sleeping other, you guys would be ok with it?
    </strong>Posted by futuremrsvanpeltjr[/QUOTE]

    IMO this is such a strange thing to have a problem with. Maybe if she got in the bed it would be a problem? But it seems like she was just trying to be helpful by letting the dogs out.
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-like-dishonor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:68d3b2fc-9039-4667-9ef5-baa7863921a1Post:2b828fb5-99a1-4d2f-859e-ed12cc06fe9b">Re: Matron of Honor is more like dishonor</a>:
    [QUOTE]wow. how about i came here for some advice from fellow brides because i didnt know what to do. and yes some if you have given me great advice andothers just need to stop basicaly yelling at me. i havent done anything wrong yet. i was upset so i came looking for advice. ive never been in a place like this before. my best friend said that moh was for a woman. hes been maried before, i havent. i thought that, that was the tradition, so i took it seriously.  no she never acted like this before.  you know what...i wish i knew how to delete this post. i was reaching out for help and i did get some from very nice peopke, but the rest make me wish i had never came to my fellow brides for help.  please excuse the spelling, i dont know how to use this tab very well yet.
    Posted by futuremrsvanpeltjr[/QUOTE]

    <div>You asked for advice and people gave it. I'm sorry you didn't like it but that sometimes happens when you come onto a public forum. Deleting your post is bad netiquette and looks immature. </div><div>
    </div><div>I definitely agree that your MOH has some social issues. I just don't understand why you picked her as your MOH if she wasn't your best friend. I mean I get that she is the wife of your best friend, but SHE isn't your best friend. The whole MOH is supposed to be a woman thing is old and outdated, but I guess you couldn't have forced him to agree. You could have just not had a MOH, but that ship has sailed now...</div>
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  • edited December 2011
    Okay truly when I dont care what you have to say anymore.
    Like I said, thank you to most.

    I'm not really one for conflict and thats why I want to delete it. I'm trying to just be polite and just excuse myself from the whole thing. So I dont believe its either of those, its just me merely trying to back away from the whole thing while getting away from the issue. I know what mannors are and I do have them, but I'm guessing that to most they are different on the internet.

    I chose her because I had no one else to ask since my best friend said he wouldn't because it was a womans place. We all agreed that it was like having him up there. Really I am just done with the whole post.

    I am talking to her tomorrow.
    My fiance is the one who was weirded out by her just walking into the bedroom more then I was.
    My family is big on respect, and when she didn't show it, my family got up set and that made me get upset.
    I will set the boundries.
    My cousin has agreed to help me with my MOH since I hate conflict.

    No matter what I say on here or do, it doesn't really effect you guys. But I do thank you all for your help.

    Hope you enjoy your big day or enjoyed your big day.
    The happy Bride, Essie
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-like-dishonor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:68d3b2fc-9039-4667-9ef5-baa7863921a1Post:31c94d64-9fa0-466a-a7d7-f8a4bce15bd0">Re: Matron of Honor is more like dishonor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay truly when I dont care what you have to say anymore. Like I said, thank you to most. I'm not really one for conflict and thats why I want to delete it. I'm trying to just be polite and just excuse myself from the whole thing. So I dont believe its either of those, its just me merely trying to back away from the whole thing while getting away from the issue. I know what mannors are and I do have them, but I'm guessing that to most they are different on the internet. <strong>I chose her because I had no one else to ask since my best friend said he wouldn't because it was a womans place.</strong> We all agreed that it was like having him up there. Really I am just done with the whole post. I am talking to her tomorrow. My fiance is the one who was weirded out by her just walking into the bedroom more then I was. My family is big on respect, and when she didn't show it, my family got up set and that made me get upset. I will set the boundries. My cousin has agreed to help me with my MOH since I hate conflict. No matter what I say on here or do, it doesn't really effect you guys. But I do thank you all for your help. Hope you enjoy your big day or enjoyed your big day.
    Posted by futuremrsvanpeltjr[/QUOTE]

    I know you aren't coming back, but in case you do, what did you think would happen if you didn't have a MOH?
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_matron-of-honor-like-dishonor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:68d3b2fc-9039-4667-9ef5-baa7863921a1Post:31c94d64-9fa0-466a-a7d7-f8a4bce15bd0">Re: Matron of Honor is more like dishonor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay truly when I dont care what you have to say anymore. Like I said, thank you to most. I'm not really one for conflict and <strong>thats why I want to delete it.</strong> I'm trying to just be polite and just excuse myself from the whole thing. So I dont believe its either of those, its just me merely trying to back away from the whole thing while getting away from the issue. I know what mannors are and I do have them, but I'm guessing that to most they are different on the internet. I chose her because I had no one else to ask since my best friend said he wouldn't because it was a womans place. We all agreed that it was like having him up there. Really I am just done with the whole post. I am talking to her tomorrow. My fiance is the one who was weirded out by her just walking into the bedroom more then I was. My family is big on respect, and when she didn't show it, my family got up set and that made me get upset. I will set the boundries. My cousin has agreed to help me with my MOH since I hate conflict. No matter what I say on here or do, it doesn't really effect you guys. But I do thank you all for your help. Hope you enjoy your big day or enjoyed your big day.
    Posted by futuremrsvanpeltjr[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>But someone already quoted your OP...it really doesn't make sense to delete after you have been quoted. </div><div>
    </div><div>We really weren't trying to be mean. She totally is off her social rocker, no one doubts that. We just don't quite understand why you picked her to begin with. You didn't have to have a MOH. There is no rule that says you must. </div><div>
    </div><div>Anyway, if you come back, I hope things work out. Please let us know what happens. Good luck. </div><div>
    </div><div>

    </div>
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  • Queen JaneQueen Jane member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    For some reason, this reminded me of the whole FMIL e-mail tabloid thing a month or two ago.
  • edited December 2011
    So I brought it up to my best friend and he said that, that was the was the smartest thing to do was to go to him first.

    He brought it up to her even though I wanted to and she flipped.

    I told her that I would like her to stay on as my MOH.

    Then she told me how I was going to have the brides maids dresses, and how I am to have my bridal shower.

    I just stepped back and told her as nicely as possible ( honest truth) that I didn't see my wedding that way.

    She quit because I wouldn't do it "the way that its suppose to be done".
    I want my bridal shower in a nice little place and my brides maids to wear gowns.
    She wanted the opposite. I tried! I really did!

    I tried to listen to all advice. lol ...thanks everyone
    The happy Bride, Essie
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