Moms and Maids

How to i repsond to this breed of crazy---long but insane

my mom, as some of you know, decided to hate my dress before seeing it purely because i picked it out when my dad and sister were with me and not her (they have been divorced for 23 years, him happily remarried, she s not remarried). I thought we had agreed to leave it alone and not talk about it but apprently i was wrong.

it started with a slew of insane text messages while she was watching "say yes to the dress" about how everyone is on her about hating my dress ( i only spoke to my grandma about how i was feeling but told her it wasn't a huge deal) and how my father is stealing the wedding from her because he's agreed to pay for it.  then she apologized and told me to forget about it because she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

i got out to my car the other morning and there was an envelope stuffed full of passive agressive crazy on my windshield. there was a long letter about how she can't belive i'm going to be wearing a dress she hates and doesn't look good on me. she says that because she did the whole "single working mom" thing and my dad wasn't around much when i was a kid ,and that he's buying me off with my wedding, she should get to be there for all the big choices. I don't really care who is there for these "big moments" or who is paying as long as we can keep this as smooth sailing as we can. She's not paying for anythin and i've never asked her to but she wants VP on all the choicesi make. now she wants a response and i just can't give her one.

i have never been so mad at her passive agressive bu!!$hit before. i just can't trust myself to respond without going bat$hit crazy on her. she's making me hate my wedding planning. How do i respond to this without making it ten times worse? i don't want to be a B1tch but this is the last time i want to deal with her crazy in my wedding. i've stopped talking about it completly to her but she's so hung up on not liking my dress that she is making me and everyone else miserable.

HELP!!!
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Re: How to i repsond to this breed of crazy---long but insane

  • edited December 2011
    *hugs* I'm so sorry.  It doesn't sound like this is really about the dress per se, but her own oversized insecurities.  I wish I knew a way to remedy that.  The only response I can think of is to give her the number of a good therepist.
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  • edited December 2011
    Wow. You have quite the lady on your hands here. Maybe just ignore and it'll go away? That's about the only thing I can think of, sorry!
  • kaitlyn&henrykaitlyn&henry member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It sounds to me shes hating on the dress only because your dad saw it and bought it before she got to see it....and shes having major jealous issues.

    If shes trying to force you to change your mind about the dress i would recommend saying something along the lines of: "Mom, I love my dress and the way it looks on me...its the only dress that makes me feel amazing and beautiful. I am sorry you do not agree with me, but it is the dress I am wearing simply because I feel in love with it, no one else. Why dont you come with me when i buy my shoes...veil...etc."

    Invite her along on something else only if you feel comfortable about it...but again i think she wants involvement because shes jealous/Insecure about your dad.
  • Stina51286Stina51286 member
    2500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Ditto on what Kaitlyn said.

     

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    As an MOB, I can understand why your mom would be disappointed that she wasn't included in shopping for the dress. But your mother is being hateful and there's no excuse for that.

    Is it possible that your mother has some mental health issues? You should let her doctor know about her bizarre behaviour. This isn't a normal way for an adult to react when she doesn't get her way.

    Otherwise, you should not respond to the craziness, including the notes she attached to your windshield. Do not discuss your wedding with her. If she brings it up, hang up or walk out before it escalates into another hissy fit from your mom. I hope your mom will figure out that she will only be involved in the wedding if she can 'play nice.'

    Don't let your mom ruin this experience for you. Good luck.
                       
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    I would respond as calmly as possible that unless she can "play nice" (as MariePoppy suggested) she will be purposefully left out of all future planning because of her current actions.  Tell her you would love to include her in future planning, but remind her that it is your wedding and that you may not always agree with her opinions. 

    Also tell her she needs to drop all her issues with your dress since you love it and feel absolutely beautiful in it. 

    If you call or tell her this in person and she does not let you get a word in, then leave (or hang if need be).  You don't need to face her crazy.  I would then write just as plainly in an email or snail mail what you will and will not put up with from her during your planning.

    Sorry your going through this!  I hope it gets better and your mom gets a hold of herself.  It's not a competition between her & your dad, I guess she just doesn't realize that.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_repsond-this-breed-of-crazy-long-but-insane?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:693fcd08-8ea1-465f-9c8b-2cd1103af2e4Post:e442af29-a17d-4371-bf9f-9e4cf980bc3f">Re: How to i repsond to this breed of crazy---long but insane</a>:
    [QUOTE]The problem here is that the daughter grew up, and mom never did.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this. The best thing you can refuse to do is engage in her behavior. Don't let her get a rise out of you.  Don't feed the beast.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    This.  I promise you that I completely understand.  I think your mother and mine are related.  I regularly get emails detailing how worthless I am...and I am 53 years old.  I refuse to respond.  It drives her CRAZY, which is sort of fun.  It took me a long time to learn that this is not about anything you are doing...it is her own issues that she is taking out on you.  I'm sorry.  Ignore her and move on.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    This is long, sorry....

    I don't have any good advice for you but wanted to say that I was in a similar position. Our familiy situations are different, and her reasons were different, but my mom decided that she hated my dress too.

    My mom is very traditional (not that I am super trendy myself). But the issue was that she had no idea what dresses were like these days (she was married in the 70s). When she saw that there were virtually no styles with full sleeves and a high collar and that almost everything was stapless with a lace-up back she was extremely disappointed and said that dresses these days were "trampy." She was negative about every dress I tried.

    I fell in love with a classic, full skirted ballgown with a lace bodice that wasn't anything like the current trends...but it was sleeveless and ivory (no lace up back though, thankfully, lol). I just knew it was the one.

    My mom had a meltdown. I think she was really disappointed that she never got to see me try on the kind of gown she envisioned...because 70s gowns just aren't in style anymore. She said she'd never pick that for herself  and huffed off to go pout in the corner. On the way home made "ugh" noises at the pictures we'd taken of the dress I bought and she waxed poetic about a dress she apparently loved that I'd tried on in the first shop and why I hadn't chosen that one...although she had said nothing positive about it at the time. I heard about this mythical perfect dress that I rejected many a time.

    By the time the wedding came around she was over it and pretended she had never a) said anything negative about my dress and b) ever liked the mythical perfect dress. All she could talk about was how beautiful the dress I had chosen was.

    It really hurt my feelings at the time though. And as much as I told myself it was her pouting and being mean like she does when she doesn't get her way, and that I knew she didn't *really* think it was ugly, I still  had a little, tiny drop of doubt in the back of my mind...wondering...if I really did look hideous in it.

    So don't do that...don't let her attitude infect you with any self-doubt. I am sure you are a rational human being who can pick a dress which suits your body just fine and is lovely. And plus, if you know, you just know. Smile
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