Confusing Situation

knisaa2

So my MIL and I have had a rough relationship since my FI and I have been together for the past few years. This past year it has gotten better though and I'm truly thankful for that because she really is a nice person. But for the past month, my FI and I have had a really rough relationship together, and I think it's because of her. Coincidentally, a month ago was when my FI's dad moved out and his parents decided to divorce(which doesn't really bother FI, he's not really close with his parents, he lived with his grandmother til he was 16). I totally understand that my FMIL is going through a lot right now, I was there when my mom went through it and I've offered my help whenever she needs it. We visit her at least 4 times a week now, and I'm not complaining, but she's making it really hard for my fiance and I. But when we get home, she calls my FI and talks to him for at least an hour a few times a week, which is fine with me-I want him to be there for her so she can get through this. But EVERY time he gets off the phone, the problems start. We argue over stupid things and he won't let anything go. I asked him if his parents are stressing him out or if I've done something to upset him, but he says no. I want to be there to help him through this too, but he won't tell me what's going on. I don't know if his mom is saying stuff to him, but everytime she calls, he leaves the room and won't talk in front of me. We only argue when he's been around her or talked to her. I feel like if she really is saying things about me, she's just angry that her relationship failed and she doesn't want her only son to get married. What should I do? The past few days have been great between us, but we've dedicated this weekend for us and haven't been up to see or talk to his mom...hmmm....

MairePoppy

I think you are being paranoid. It's not about you. Your Fmil is going through a tough time, which you understand. Fi may say it doesn't bother him, but being a main source of support for his mom is probably stressful. When he gets off the phone with his mom, give him some space. Some people prefer to do their problem solving, alone, rather than talk, talk, talk about it. You have shown you are willing to be supportive with your frequent visits, but maybe you could take a break once a week. Send Fi to visit his mom without you. Use that time to do something you enjoy.

Premarital counseling would be a good idea for you and Fi. You could learn another way to solve your problems, without arguing.

Good luck.

knisaa2

I had suggested counseling, but FI completely refused. I talked to my mom about it and she said I was being paraniod and told me to give him space too, and I have. I don't even ask about it anymore. But he won't even visit his family if I won't go. I ask him to go by himself all the time and he won't. Thanks!

knisaa2

And if I ask him if we can take a break (because I am EXHAUSTED from visiting her so much), he starts in on me about how I hate his family when I don't. I just need space from them too I guess if maybe I just leave it alone and suck it up, maybe this will all run it's course?

MairePoppy

This is a fresh split and it could take a very long time to run it's course.

He shouldn't be pressuring you to visit his mom 4+ times a week. If he won't go for counseling, go without him. You need to learn how to assert yourself.

knisaa2

Thanks for your help! I hadn't thought of going to counseling alone, I'm definitely going to look into it thanks

shiloh777

I can kind of relate to your FI. My parents are going through a divorce right now, and dealing with my mother has been exhausting. A lot of times after talking to her, I get really cranky and frustrated with the whole situation, and sometimes I take it out on my FI. Guys aren't like girls- he may not want to talk to you about what is bothering him. Even if he isn't close to his parents, I am sure the divorce is still a little hard on him. 

I highly doubt that it is about you. It will run its course! Just give it time and try to be patient with him.