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Moms and Maids

Frustrated with my MOH!! (second try now that its not 6am)

when my fiance and i set our date a year and a half ago, i asked my then close friend to be my maid of honor. unfortunately, in between then and now, our friendship has altered quite a bit. when we talk, it's to talk about her, not me, much less my wedding. she's not that e (enthused to be a part of it (or rather, she wants the glory and none of the work!). if we do talk, it's to complain about how she doesn't want to pay for shoes. She complains that "no one will see them" and that she is broke after buying the tools and supplies to build a deck and won't have any money until after the wedding. also, we don't hang out much anymore so i don't feel like she should be m.o.h. the last time we actually hung out outside of work was several months ago.
not to mention the bridal shower and bachelorette party. she, i hate to say, is lacking in creativity to make it fun. i asked her if she had any ideas for games and she said she had snakes and ladders in the closet. not only this, for the bachelorette party, she's being so cheap, that she wants to use her half-drunk alcohal that she and her boyfriend have already dipped into as well as beer she has brought home from the check out rooms from the hotel she works at.

on the other hand, my sister in law and my friend, have been a great help to me and we talk frequently. she's also so enthusiastic to help me plan the wedding and she's definately got creativity.

how can i tell my current m.o.h. that i still want her as a bridesmaid, but i feel our friendship has changed so much and she's not as supportive as i need my m.o.h. to be that i feel she shouldn't be m.o.h.?


 

Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (second try now that its not 6am)

  • Wow. there is so much wrong with this. If you're demanding specific jewelry and/or shoes, you SHOULD be paying for it, so please don't make it sound as if you're doing her some huge favor. Same goes with hair and makeup- if you're making the girls get both done professionally, YOU are responsible for paying. Otherwise she can do it herself.

    stop trying to force her to be as excited about your wedding and the pre-parties as you are- it's not gonna happen.

    And why are you talking to your other BMs about this? And do NOT even consider demoting her.
  • Sounds like you have a lot of "requirements" for your bridesmaids. Their only real obligation is to buy the dress and MAYBE shoes (a lot of people on here will tell you that if you require a specific shoe you need to pay for it, but I also know in a lot of circles it is expected the BMs will buy their own shoes, within reason). However, if you are requiring that they get their hair and makeup professionally done, you need to be paying for that. As far as showers and bachelorette parties, again, BMs aren't REQUIRED to throw these. Many do, but it is not a requirement. And if they can't attend, they can't attend. It doesn't mean they aren't "fulfilling their duties."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:041240a3-42a1-4ce7-b715-2b0de74e89ce">Frustrated with my MOH!! (sorry for the long explination)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am soo frustrated! My MOH fights me on everything and refuses to talk about the wedding. I have asked very little from my MOH and made sure <strong>she knew what he responsibilities were</strong> before she accepted. <strong>she had no problem getting the dress but when it comes to buying accesories, and paying to get her hair and makeup done, or planning parties, she fights me every step of the way</strong>. when I mentioned buying shoes she got really nasty and snapped "no ones even going to see them!". she wants to wear one inch flat black shoes that she wore to a funeral with a glossy apple green dress(black isnt even a weding color). I had hoped to get some funky shoe pics done with the wedding photos but at this point I don't think that will happen.  To help with costs I am covering the jewelry for my ladies so at this point <strong>all she has to do is pay for shoes and hair and makeup.</strong> when she wasn't doing anything for the parties one of my <strong>bridesmaids offered to take over and have the party in my home town which is 4 hours away. When I told my MOH this the first thing she said was I can't make it</strong>. <strong>All she would have had to do is pitch for gas, meals and drinks</strong>. Its also 3 months away. To make matters worse <strong>most of the bridal party don't even think she should be my maid of honor and that I should demote her to a BM.</strong> I've tried talking to her and she just gets crazy bitchy and changes the subject to herself.
    Posted by nightsmistress[/QUOTE]

    Reread this post.  Seriously, take a minute a read what you just wrote.

    Okay.  Finished.  In case you don't get it, here's a reality check FOR YOU.

    All your MOH is required to do is buy her dress, pay for alterations, show up sober, walk down teh aisle and smile for pictures.  That's it.

    If you want "funky shoe pics" or professional hair and makeup then you need to pry open your wallet and pay for it yourself.  As for the jewelry that you are paying for, that had better not be the gifts to your BMs because if you require them to wear it in the wedding, it's not a gift for them, it's a gift for you.

    She is also not required to host any parties or attend any parties.  If the rest of your WP doesn't think she should be MOH, that's their problem.  They are probably pissed that they are shelling out a boatload of money at your request and the MOH is the only one who is woman enough to stand up to you. 

    If you "demote" her here are a couple of things I'm sure you haven't thought of.  First, this is a friendship ending move.  Second, it's ruder than hell to replace a MOH (although, given your post, I don't think you really care about rude or how other people feel.)
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Q. Do my attendants have to pay for their own bridesmaids dresses?

    A. Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included).  Above all, try to choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting your maids choose their own gown. Give some color/style requirements (i.e., black and ankle length), and ask them to show you the dress for final approval (just in case it's a little too risque for grandma's taste).


    I never asked for her to plan the parties. She offered and when I told her that people were asking about details she blew up and shut down.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:951a2fd5-10a1-4ad0-8e7a-e81129934b5d">Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (sorry for the long explination)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Q. Do my attendants have to pay for their own bridesmaids dresses? A. Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included).   Above all, try to choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting your maids choose their own gown. Give some color/style requirements (i.e., black and ankle length), and ask them to show you the dress for final approval (just in case it's a little too risque for grandma's taste). I never asked for her to plan the parties. She offered and when I told her that people were asking about details she blew up and shut down.
    Posted by nightsmistress[/QUOTE]

    I don't know where you got that but it is dead wrong.  And if it was The Knot, it is part of the wedding industry and is also dead wrong more times than it should be.

    You did ask about the parties when you said others were asking about them.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:951a2fd5-10a1-4ad0-8e7a-e81129934b5d">Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (sorry for the long explination)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Q. Do my attendants have to pay for their own bridesmaids dresses? A. Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble <strong>(shoes and jewelry included)</strong>.   Above all, try to choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting your maids choose their own gown. Give some color/style requirements (i.e., black and ankle length), and ask them to show you the dress for final approval (just in case it's a little too risque for grandma's taste). I never asked for her to plan the parties. She offered and when I told her that people were asking about details she blew up and shut down.
    Posted by nightsmistress[/QUOTE]

    I would only agree with this if they are allowed to choose their own shoes and jewelry.  My girls are getting their own shoes, but I just said, wear something in black or silver.  I will be buying the jewelry I will be asking them to wear, and while I may give it to them at the RD, it will not be part of their gift, as I'm asking them to wear it. 
    image
    Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.
  • edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:951a2fd5-10a1-4ad0-8e7a-e81129934b5d">Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (sorry for the long explination)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Q. Do my attendants have to pay for their own bridesmaids dresses? A. Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included).   Above all, try to choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting your maids choose their own gown. Give some color/style requirements (i.e., black and ankle length), and ask them to show you the dress for final approval (just in case it's a little too risque for grandma's taste). I never asked for her to plan the parties. She offered and when I told her that people were asking about details she blew up and shut down.
    Posted by nightsmistress[/QUOTE]

    You are reading this the wrong way. It is assumed that bms will provide their own shoes and jewelry for the wedding, UNLESS, the bride insists on particular shoes, jewelry, accessories.Then it's up to the bride to pay for those. And she should be very careful to make sure the shoes she is buying for her bms are comfortable for them.

    Showers and BPs are gifts for the bride. They are given voluntarily by anyone who chooses to do so. It is not the responsibility of the MOH and bms to throw parties, plan weddings, meet with vendors, lick envelopes,  make favors etc.. for the bride. The 'maid' in maid of honor and bridesmaid stands for 'maiden' not 'servant'.Their only responsibilities are to buy the agreed upon dress, show up on time, and pose for pictures. That's it.

    One more thing, if the bride requires professional makeup and hair, she should pay for it.

    *edited grammar
                       
  • Entitled much OP???

    PP's have this one covered.  You should really really really consider taking this advice....and work on getting over yourself in the process.

     

  • I don't understand what it is about weddings that makes brides think they get to dictate how much money their friends spend on them.  So rude, immature and ridiculously spoiled. 

    Get a clue OP...YOU ARE WRONG!!!!
    Anniversary
  • .... Obviously there are a lot of opinions about the responsibilities of a MOH. I would be interested in hearing everyone's thoughts on exactly what the role entails?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:e71f5ff5-620f-46af-83d0-fe716852de7f">Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (sorry for the long explination)</a>:
    [QUOTE].... Obviously there are a lot of opinions about the responsibilities of a MOH. I would be interested in hearing everyone's thoughts on exactly what the role entails?
    Posted by DVGANDLIL[/QUOTE]


    Buy the dress (that's within the budget the bride discussed with the BMs privately first), and show up on time for the wedding day and perform those duties (ie, walk down the aisle, stand there for the ceremony, post for pictures).  That's it.  ANYTHING else is completely optional.  <<<----this is not an opinion either, this is fact. 
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:e71f5ff5-620f-46af-83d0-fe716852de7f">Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (sorry for the long explination)</a>:
    [QUOTE].... Obviously there are a lot of opinions about the responsibilities of a MOH. I would be interested in hearing everyone's thoughts on exactly what the role entails?
    Posted by DVGANDLIL[/QUOTE]

    1. Buy the selected dress.
    2. Pay for alteration on selected dress.
    3. Show up to wedding in selected dress sober.
    4. Walk down the aisle.
    5. Hold Bride's bouquet during ceremony.
    6. Smile for photographer.

    That's it.  Anything else is up to her if she wants to do it.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:e71f5ff5-620f-46af-83d0-fe716852de7f">Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (sorry for the long explination)</a>:
    [QUOTE].... Obviously there are a lot of opinions about the responsibilities of a MOH. I would be interested in hearing everyone's thoughts on exactly what the role entails?
    Posted by DVGANDLIL[/QUOTE]

    1. Let the bride know what her dress budget is.
    2. Buy the dress and have it altered in time for the wedding.
    3. Show up on time for the ceremony.
    4. Hold the brides flowers, the rings, sign the marriage certificate if asked,
    5. Smile for the photographer.    
     
    That's it.
    If the MOH <span style="font-style:italic;">volunteers</span> to do anything else, the bride should be very grateful that she is going above and beyond her duties.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:e71f5ff5-620f-46af-83d0-fe716852de7f">Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (sorry for the long explination)</a>:
    [QUOTE].... Obviously there are a lot of opinions about the responsibilities of a MOH. I would be interested in hearing everyone's thoughts on exactly what the role entails?
    Posted by DVGANDLIL[/QUOTE]

    A MOH should be a bridal b$tch and indentured servant for the entire course of the wedding planning process.  They should plan the entire wedding, kiss the brides a$$, tell her that everything she is doind is perfect (even if it is tacky and rude), dye her hair the color the bride wants, spend $10,000 dollars on the dress, shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup, bridal shower, bach parties and presents.  An MOH should buy a special phone just for the bride to use to call her at anytime day or night.  The MOH should be prepared to stuff invitation envelopes and tie pretty bows on hundreds of engraved shot glass favors.  She should also not complain once and should put the brides wedding in front of everything else to include work, family, SO and children (if applicable).

    Ok, enough with the jokes...the MOH needs to do the following

    1) give the bride her dress budget
    2) purchase dress and have it altered by the wedding date
    3) show up on time for ceremony
    4) hold brides bouquet and fix her train/veil
    5) smile for pictures
    6) sign marriage certificate if necessary

    That is it.  If the MOH volunteers or offers help, great, if not, that does not make her the worse MOH in the world!

  • edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:3da1b2e1-f6f1-4cf1-9fa7-dfaff34a1e98">Re: Frustrated with my MOH!! (second try now that its not 6am)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Frustrated with my MOH!! (second try now that its not 6am) : So now you've gone and changed your OP.  You've been quoted so the original one is here to stay, but now none of the answers everyone gave make sense.  Way to go. She shouldn't have to pay for shoes.  She shouldn't have to do any work.  It's rude of you to call her cheap.  It would be rude of her to fire her as MOH. The second post made you sound like you suck even more than the first post did.
    Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
    Exactly my thought. This is not the post I replied to this morning. What? Did she think we would give different answers in the evening?
    image
    Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.
  • edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_frustrated-with-my-moh-sorry-for-the-long-explination?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69f24eba-5aad-408d-b27d-e74128423074Post:041240a3-42a1-4ce7-b715-2b0de74e89ce">Frustrated with my MOH!! (second try now that its not 6am)</a>:
    [QUOTE]when my fiance and i set our date a year and a half ago, i asked my then close friend to be my maid of honor. unfortunately, in between then and now, our friendship has altered quite a bit. when we talk, it's to talk about her, not me, much less my wedding. she's not that e (enthused to be a part of it (or rather, <font color="#ff0000">she wants the glory and none of the work</font>!). if we do talk, it's to complain about how she doesn't want to pay for shoes. She complains that "no one will see them" and that she is broke after buying the tools and supplies to build a deck and won't have any money until after the wedding. also, we don't hang out much anymore so i don't feel like she should be m.o.h. the last time we actually hung out outside of work was several months ago. not to mention the bridal shower and bachelorette party. she, i hate to say, is lacking in creativity to make it fun. i asked her if she had any ideas for games and she said she had snakes and ladders in the closet. not only this, for the bachelorette party, she's being so cheap, that she wants to use her half-drunk alcohal that she and her boyfriend have already dipped into as well as beer she has brought home from the check out rooms from the hotel she works at. on the other hand, my sister in law and my friend, have been a great help to me and we talk frequently. she's also so enthusiastic to help me plan the wedding and she's definately got creativity. how can i tell my current m.o.h. that i still want her as a bridesmaid, but i feel our friendship has changed so much and she's not as supportive as i need my m.o.h. to be that i feel she shouldn't be m.o.h.?  
    Posted by nightsmistress[/QUOTE]


    I bet you thought this post would make you sound better.  Wow.  Your perception about how others see you is so off.  The highlighted part made me chuckle though.  I've been a MOH a few times so please enlighten me.  What is the glory that goes along with it?
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • PPs have more than answered your 'concerns' about accessories and hair/makeup.

    YOU asked her about games at the shower.  Not all showers have to have games.  Maybe she thought snakes and ladders could be fun.  She doesn't need to be doing any of this, so you sound rather entitled.  And who cares if she's using extra alcohol for the bachelorette?  If she has a half handle of vodka laying around, why does she need to buy a whole new one?  Unless its a flat beer that's been opened and partly consumed by a stranger, I don't see the problem.
  • And this new non-6am post is supposed to be so much better than your original?  Honestly, you'll be doing your friend a favor if you "demote" her.  And if I were her, I'd tell you exactly what you could do with your requirements for your MOH and your BM's. 
    image
  • Glory???  You seriously think there is glory associated with being in your wedding party?  You need to take a reality pill and come back down to earth.



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