Moms and Maids

Getting BMs on board?

This is slightly different from other "my bridesmaids aren't helping me" whines. SO hear me out.

I'm having a little difficulty getting my bridesmaids involved. It's not so much that i expect theirconstant help and attention planning, they've provided feedback on a few things and i'm fine doung stuff on my own, but they seem very uninterested in talking to each other, and I feel bad that one BM is forced to MOH "duties" because the MOH isn't all that interested.

There are defintiely reasons for the lack of involvement, one BM just moved to the city and has a 1 year old daughter, but she doens't work. My MOH lives in a different state altogether, and just had her wedding in May. I completely understand their situations, but to not even return an email from my other BM just to settle on plans for the party makes me feel like i have to defend their behavior, like i picked "bad friends" for these roles. I think its' the lack of communication and certain statements ("i just want to have a month where i don't talk about weddings, so i'm not going to order your BM dress until July") that makes me feel like i'm a big inconvenience.

I've asked the MOH if she'd rather the active BM just handled these parties and what not, since she's wedding-ed out and busy with work, but she specifically said she wanted to be involved. So now what? Do i just take it as it is and let the one active BM continue to struggle with the other 2 on her own? Since she's never met them, i feel responsible for getting these other 2 at least on board with helping her, nevermind working with me.

Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Getting BMs on board?

  • edited December 2011
    I don't usually post on this board, but I do have some thoughts about your situation.

    1.  Your BMs do not have to be friends with each other, and they do not have to work together.  Really and truly.  Only my MOH was at my bachelorette.  It was no big deal.

    2.  Your MOH got married this month??  Give her some time and space.  Do not bring up your wedding for at least a month. 

    3.  You should not have a hand in planning any pre-wedding parties.  If the girls have all been introduced by email, then you've done all you need to do.  Let them figure it out.  You really should stay out of planning any showers, engagement parties or bachelorettes.  None of these is required or necessary. They happen when others throw them for you.

    4.  What MOH "duties" are being forced onto the more active BM?  Is it parties you are referring to, or something else?  BMs (and MOHs, for that matter) are not obligated to do anything other than show up on the day of the wedding, wearing the agreed upon dress.  If you need help with invitations, decorations, or meeting with vendors- go to your FI.  It's his wedding, too.

    Honestly, the five month mark was a pretty sweet spot for H and me where we didn't have a lot of planning to do.  Nothing felt urgent at that point, so it was good to just relax a bit.  I hope you can, too. 

    GL with everything! 
     
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-bms-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6bd55228-2dbe-4fb7-a8a9-42cc557a8922Post:e387b317-84df-4e49-88dd-14518461a796">Getting BMs on board?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is slightly different from other "my bridesmaids aren't helping me" whines. SO hear me out. I'm having a little difficulty getting my bridesmaids involved. It's not so much that i expect theirconstant help and attention planning, they've provided feedback on a few things and i'm fine doung stuff on my own, but they seem very uninterested in talking to each other, and I feel bad that one BM is forced to MOH "duties" because the MOH isn't all that interested. There are defintiely reasons for the lack of involvement, one BM just moved to the city and has a 1 year old daughter, but she doens't work. My MOH lives in a different state altogether, and just had her wedding in May. I completely understand their situations, but to not even return an email from my other BM just to settle on plans for the party makes me feel like i have to defend their behavior, like i picked "bad friends" for these roles. I think its' the lack of communication and certain statements ("i just want to have a month where i don't talk about weddings, so i'm not going to order your BM dress until July") that makes me feel like i'm a big inconvenience. I've asked the MOH if she'd rather the active BM just handled these parties and what not, since she's wedding-ed out and busy with work, but she specifically said she wanted to be involved. So now what? Do i just take it as it is and let the one active BM continue to struggle with the other 2 on her own? Since she's never met them, i feel responsible for getting these other 2 at least on board with helping her, nevermind working with me.
    Posted by Tina515[/QUOTE]
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    The only MOH/ duties are: buying the dress, showing up sober and on time for the wedding, maybe holding your flowers and signing the marriage certificate if required. That's it. If they choose to do anything extra like throw a shower or help you with wedding related chores, that's a bonus.

    You should not be involved with helping the the MOH/BMs organize your shower. If the BM has volunteered to throw the shower, you may accept her offer. Leave it up to her to ask the others if they want to help. If they don't want to help her out, she can ask other freinds or family members to cohost. Or,she can scale the event back to a punch and cake shower.
                       
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I have to echo MariePoppy.  Your BM are not required to plan any prewedding parties for you.  They are considered a gift if they do and not all of them have to be involved in planning it if one, or a couple, of your BM do decide to throw you a party.  Also, you should not be involved in any of this planning except maybe a date for the event.  As I said before, this is a gift.  Your BM are all grown ups (I assume from what you wrote) so let them deal with this on their own.
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • bstentbstent member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I've been in the same situation as your BM who has been taking on more of the responsibility (except that all of us BM knew each other and are friends). The MOH was out of town and not able to come to town very often, and the other BM were... uninterested. It was stressful, but the bride is one of my best friends and I just wanted her bachelorette party, bridal shower (actually MOG hosted that but I was the only BM to attend) and wedding day to be great, so I did what I could to make it that way. I get that common belief is that a BM just has to "show up sober in the right dress" but for me personally I would never be that type of bridesmaid.... I'm not saying to spend insane amounts of money (I didn't) or neglect life responsibilities to drop everything and be at the brides beck and call (didn't do that either) but this is one of my best friends getting married, and I wanted to be there for more than just the one day. It sounds like your BM feels the same way.
    There were times I was frustrated with the other girls, but I tried to keep the bride out of it because it wasn't her problem, and I had chosen to take on that extra responsibility. One thing I will advise you to do, is to recognize the bridesmaid's efforts. I certainly didn't need the public recognition of being MOH, but having the bride and groom as well as the MOG each pull me aside and privately thank me for the effort I made was very nice.
  • Tina515Tina515 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you bstent, that was helpful. Again, i realize there are no "duties" for BMs other than getting the dress and showing up, and i'm not asking them to do anything else, they've offered. I just hate feeling like the one BM is taking on more stress because the other ones are busy with other things. She doens't want to step on MOH's toes by taking on the planning of whatever party they want to honor me with (again, i understand it's not their JOB and something that i should just be grateful for and not help in planning), so she's asking me if she should keep reaching out, what should she do about the others, etc. But, I'll just try to stay out of it, and let them figure it out themselves. It's true they are adults, and i don't want to keep getting int he middle.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-bms-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6bd55228-2dbe-4fb7-a8a9-42cc557a8922Post:e387b317-84df-4e49-88dd-14518461a796">Getting BMs on board?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is slightly different from other "my bridesmaids aren't helping me" whines. SO hear me out. I'm having a little difficulty getting my bridesmaids involved. It's not so much that i expect theirconstant help and attention planning, they've provided feedback on a few things and i'm fine doung stuff on my own, but they seem very uninterested in talking to each other, and I feel bad that one BM is forced to MOH "duties" because the MOH isn't all that interested. There are defintiely reasons for the lack of involvement, one BM just moved to the city and has a 1 year old daughter, but she doens't work. My MOH lives in a different state altogether, and just had her wedding in May. I completely understand their situations, but to not even return an email from my other BM just to settle on plans for the party makes me feel like i have to defend their behavior, like i picked "bad friends" for these roles. I think its' the lack of communication and certain statements ("i just want to have a month where i don't talk about weddings, so i'm not going to order your BM dress until July") that makes me feel like i'm a big inconvenience. I've asked the MOH if she'd rather the active BM just handled these parties and what not, since she's wedding-ed out and busy with work, but she specifically said she wanted to be involved. So now what? Do i just take it as it is and let the one active BM continue to struggle with the other 2 on her own? Since she's never met them, i feel responsible for getting these other 2 at least on board with helping her, nevermind working with me.
    Posted by Tina515[/QUOTE]

    - There is no such thing as a "MOH duty".  There are things that many MOH's choose to do for the bride (b-party, shower, helping to plan), but none of those things are required of anyone, not even the MOH.  Those are things that MOH's, BM's, MOB, MOG, and/or other family members and friends choose to do as a gift to the bride.

    - If your BM's have already agreed that they would take care of those gifts, let them figure it out.  You can't micromanage gifts that people choose to give you.  If you want to help, I'd collect phone numbers and email addresses of all of the BM's, the MOH, the MOG, and MOB and forward them to all of these people (if it's okay with them, of course).  Tell them you wanted them all to have contact information in case they needed to talk.

    -If one or some of your BM's choose not to participate in prewedding parties, oh well.  The less you worry about this, the less you will be stressed on your wedding day.
    LilySlim Weight loss tickers
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-bms-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6bd55228-2dbe-4fb7-a8a9-42cc557a8922Post:c7702aba-6322-43fa-9cf1-b5233174c0e4">Re: Getting BMs on board?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Your wedding isn't until late fall. It's still too early to plan parties, etc</strong>, if they are so inclined. As someone else said, "that's not their job" anyway, unless they want to do it. Put up your feet and stop worrying about what they're doing, or not doing.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    My wedding is also late fall and my shower is already being planned, at least the preliminary stuff.  It is not too early to figure out how big the party will be, when to have it or who will host/co-host (which it sounds like OPs BM is trying to do).
  • cnbrennan18cnbrennan18 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    It looks like I may be a lone ranger here, but I'm going to say this anyway. I think that when you agree to be a BM you agree to more than just buying a dress and showing up. Esp, if you are the MOH. A bride picks people who are special to her, who she can count on, and help her out. A BM should be part of planning all pre wedding parties like the shower and bachlorette. Every BM I've ever known has done this, it's what I would do. If you don't want the responsibilities then gracefully decline the offer.

    I'm having a similar situation with my BM. My sister is pretty much MIA and could care less about anything having to do with my wedding. BM from my side and his side are fighting amongst themselves, and no one has any money to have a bachlorette party. Not even just a small get together of just me and the bridal party hangin out with wine coolers and pizza. I just feel that if you can't fully commit to the role of BM or MOH, then you shouldn't do it. Sorry to rant on but I don't really have anyone else to talk to. But Tina515 I feel your pain.

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards