Moms and Maids

Confused about asking FSIL to be BM

Hello ladies. I feel confused about asking my FSIL to be my BM. We are cordial with each other and have very little to say to each other. We are two entirely different people. I want to get closer to her and ask her to be my BM. But I recently saw her at a wedding, and as my FI and I were talking about our wedding plans, she appears to be apathetic. She doesn't ask us anything and just stays quiet. I could be overreacting, but I wish I could see her appear to be interested in our future plans, given the fact I want to ask her to be my BM. When we see each other, we only chat for about 2 minutes and that's it. We have never talked personal stuff and my FI and I have been dating for 5 years! How can open the door to a relationship I would like to build with her??

Re: Confused about asking FSIL to be BM

  • BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    edited December 2011
    Why not just let your relationship with her evolve on its own and leave the wedding day out of it?  I adore by brother's wife, but it would never have occurred to impose myself on her wedding party.  The significance of being a BM is (to me) having a life history with the bride.

    It may be regional (or I may just be out of the loop), but I'd never even heard of people asking FSILs to be BMs until this website.  I've personally never been to a wedding where this occurs, so I'm not sure why you would want to do this.  She may feel the same way - thinking it's presumptuous... an implication of a relationship that doesn't exist, and in which she may not be interested.  She'll be at the wedding.  Unless it's something your FI is interested in, I'd let it go.
  • edited December 2011
    I guess I thought it would be a nice way to open up our relationship. That way we can do things together and get closer. I thought of her right when I got engaged. But I just don't know how she feels either way. My FI was thinking about throwing out a hint to her and see how she reacts to it. I've only been in 1 wedding and haven't been to many so I'm totally confused on what to do.
    I don't want her to feel obligated either. I could just allow our relationship to evolve on its own and hope her or my FMIL won't feel offended.
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Asking someone to be a BM in hopes of strengthening the relationship is a classic mistake.  Usually quite the opposite is the case.

    If you're not close to her, don't ask her.  If your FI wants her in the wedding party, she can stand on his side.
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    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • orangecrayonorangecrayon member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Instead of just asking her straight up about being a bridesmaid, consider spending just one on one time with her, see how she feels, bring up the wedding and other things. That how i got use to my FSIL and she is now my bridesmaid. I figured if you start lightly things will get better, and if you find that your both on the same page about everything than might as well ask her.
  • edited December 2011
    I did when I got married 30 years ago, and it has led to a wonderful relationship with someone I didn't really know at all at the time.  My daughter also did the same for her wedding.  No expectations for a big relationship moment...just reaching a hand across the aisle as it were.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to advise you to wait until 6 - 12 months before the wedding to ask people to be in your wedding party. Your wedding isn't until May 5, 2012, right? That's a long way off. Lots of things can change in the next 2 years. Start building  relationships with all your FILs and see what happens.

    In the meantime, read the posts on the wedding party board from brides that asked early and for various reasons want to kick out BMs, GMs, demote MOH and best men.
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    BMs are girls who have been with you through thick and thin, who you confided in, who know the details of your relationship with FI, who you talk to all the time, who you go shopping with, who you go to the movies with, who you've been in their weddings, etc.

    You just met your FSIL a while back, and she isn't a close friend of yours who has been with you through thick and thin - so she doesn't meet the criteria for BM.

    If she HAS been a friend to FI besides just being his sister, and if he has confided in her throughout his whole life like a best friend, and if he feels that she has been with him and helped him through thick and thin, then she would fit the criteria to stand up for HIM on HIS side.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your advice.
  • dzBridgiedzBridgie member
    edited December 2011
    I was in my SIL and brother's wedding and she will be in mine; however my FSIL will not be in my wedding.  I really think it depends on the person and they type of interaction you have with them.  If you don't feel like asking her would be comfortable or well received....I'd hold off on it!

    Good Luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Marie - if you're not getting married for a while, hold off. I would wait until about 12 months out to make any decisions, since a lot can happen before then!
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