MIL issues

[Deleted User]

#1: My future MIL and SIL are thowing me a shower..which is very nice and thoughtful of them except for they are basically throwing a fit because I do not want to invite guest to the shower who will not be invited to the wedding.I have told them both this seperately and nicely and they act like they are just going to do whatever they want!! I feel like that is just asking for gifts and I WILL NOT take part in that!! So advice please!

#2 My MIL keeps trying to buy cheapo things for the wedding...I have a very clear vision of what I want already have alot of the things I have picked out! She keeps trying to buy stuff and then she will get offended if we say no thank you we already have that or etc! The last thing I want is to have drama surrounding the wedding!

em01092

1. If you have explained your reasoning and they still wish to throw you the shower, you can either decline the shower or let them take the heat for it if people ask where their invitation is.  Ultimately this will fall on them and not you, as they are the hosts of the shower. It may be people at their church or distant family prodding them for invites. In some families/churches, they do not expect to be invited to the wedding but want to attend the shower. Let them know that as long as everyone is on the same page, whatever. This is how the ladies at my church are being right now, even though our wedding is family and close friends only. They are still insisting on doing something for me, even though I have turned them down more than once. 

2. If she isn't paying for whatever it is she is picking things out for, she can offer suggestions, but you don't have to accept them. She is getting butthurt and that's her own fault. She'll get over it. Now if she is paying for say the flowers or whatever, then you should listen to her opinion, or refuse her money and buy what you want. Money often comes with strings. 

shadowkat08

#1 You're right, a guest to the shower should be invited to the wedding. The best thing you can do now is just decline the shower.

#2 Is your MIL contributing anything to the wedding? If not, stop discussing wedding things with her. And if she is...decide if this is a hill you wanna die on.

Good luck!

jmconley08

#1. Yea that is rude but not your fault.
#2. Annoying. Just tell her you are picky/detail oriented (if you are- I am!) and really want the plans to match what you had always pictured.

CowgirlK39

My FMIL is doing both of these things you mention. She offered to throw us a shower, but then began saying how she is inviting random people to FSIL's shower. We worked out the guest list again recently and I intend to show her, and make it clear that these are her only options for invites. If she chooses to ignore this, then it is her fault. Same goes for you in your situ.

As for the decor, I totally hear you here. My FMIL keeps trying to shove dollar store halloween decorations down my throat for our September wedding. I smile and nod a lot, and only lost my cool once with her (but it was after a lot of other stress). Ultimately I keep leaving her in limbo about buying decor. When she asks about X or Y, I tell her "thats nice but we pretty much have that covered." I drop the conversation, and luckily she hasn't bought things. If your FMIL is actually buying stuff, reinforce politely that you have such items covered already (centerpieces, etc) and tell her you probably won't need these things. Leave them with her and she will either return them or keep them herself. If she keeps trying to use them for your wedding, have FI speak up as well and tell her they are unnecessesary.

gananoque

1. Posters here are very hard-line about the whole "shower guests MUST be invited to the wedding" thing. Sometimes people don't realize that different communities have different traditions/norms/expectations. In some communities and circles, it is perfectly acceptable to invite women to a shower when they are not being invited to the wedding. Like a PP wrote, as long as everyone is on the same page, it's okay. I know it often sounds weird to members of our generation, but some women really love going to showers and don't care about being invited to the wedding if the bride and groom aren't actually that close to them. Seems weird, but it is a reality. Don't stress out about this. You don't need to create a whole drama by declining the shower as others have suggested. Just remember that you are not the host and it is not your responsibility!

2. You have to try to find a way to speak to your MIL less about the wedding and wedding planning. And if ever you do, be VERY clear that you have firm and specific ideas about what you're having. You may be leaving things open-ended more than you realize in an effort to appear nice and inclusive. You might have to toughen up a bit. Hopefully after the first few conversations where you make it crystal clear that YOU are calling the shots, she'll get the picture. Good luck!