Long BM rant

slpankuch

I’m starting to get aggravated at my one bridesmaid, who also happens to be getting married a month before me.

Anyway the story goes like this:

She lives a state away in NJ. She found a bridesmaid dress that she liked at Macy’s. I could not find it at the Macy’s near me. So I sent her a check for $70 for the dress. The dress turned out to be only $55 with a Macy’s charge card.  She was visiting my state, PA to see her grandmother that only lived 30 min. from my place. I offered to meet her half way to get my bridesmaid dress that she bought for me (which BTW ended up being 3 sizes too large and needs serious alterations) she ended up canceling at the last second (I was driving!) because she said she didn’t want to drive all that way (20mins!). I offered to go to her and she refused. She then said she would just send the dress through the mail. Fine.

OK so I was hoping I would get my $15 back since I sent extra money. No check with the dress. I asked her for it and she refused because she sent the dress through mail which cost $10. Ok..but I offered to save her money by picking the dress up from her???  How is that fair? It’s not like $15 is a big deal but it’s just like the principle of the matter. ALSO I have to get it majorly altered which will cost me at least another $50.

 

Anyway more to add to the story..she seems like she could care less about my wedding. I know because of being a bride too that she really doesn’t and that’s fine because I am busy too with my wedding plans. Still I asked my BMs to wear a plain black dress and just send me a picture of the dresses before the wedding so I can get red accessories to go with each dress. I asked her to send a picture of her dress for me.  I have everyone else’s and I’m waiting for her picture. She has apparently 6 black dresses and won’t take one picture? I would like to have the picture soon so I can get all the accessories together and I have a lot of other meetings coming up so I want to have little details like this done. She is not responding to my message at all.

 

She is my BFF from high school but I haven’t seen her in about a year since she lives in NJ. She keeps planning things with me and then cancelling last second. I feel like telling her to forget the whole me being her BM and her being mine.

 

She spend $0 and I spent $70 ($15 which should be given back) plus another $50 or more for alterations. HOW is this fair?!

sister2groom

I think you should let the $15 go. Really, it's $15, it's not worth the emotional energy you're spending on it. 

I think it's nice that you didn't want your bridesmaid's to have to spend money on a dress, but it's not exactly fair to find fault with someone else for making you buy a dress (since that's pretty standard procedure). I do agree that it was thoughtless of her to pick a bridesmaid dress that wasn't available in your size. 

The thing that would bother me most is her cancelling on you. Why don'y you try to figure that out before you eliminate being bridesmaids in eachother's weddings (and end your friendship)?

slpankuch

I know that people spend money on BMs dresses and I have no problem with spending money for a dress that fits or if I have to get it altered that I should have that 15 back. I know the 15 isn't worth it but I'm paying for a wedding and getting a BM dress altered where the alterations will cost more than the dress.
She's not being very considerate at all.

I'm also very petite and having alteration issues with my wedding dress. So the fact that I need another dress altered is adding to the stress.

Maggie0829

To alter a dress 3 sizes is a bit much and sometimes not doable depending on the style of the dress.  I would tell her that the alterations are impossible and that you will find another dress in a similar color and style to the one already purchased.  I realize that you will be eating $70+dollars, but depending on sales and such you could find another dress that costs less then the alterations would, which, in the end, would be saving you some money.

Like PP said, let the $15 go and don't bring it up again.  You seem to keep harping on it and I understand the principle of it but, it isn't worth your energy anymore.

As for her accessories, does she have pierced ears?  If so buy her red earrings and a bracelet and forget about the necklace since you don't know what the dress looks like.  This is another thing that you really shouldn't be stressing over.

I think you need to take a deep breath, take a step back and look at all the things that are stressing you out.  If the accessories don't work out perfectly, will this ruin your wedding day?  If she is wearing a black dress you don't like, will this ruin your wedding day?  Your friend also needs to do this as well.

A wedding is ONE day.  Are friendships really worth ending for just one day?

MairePoppy

Since you have a Macy's near you, bring the dress there to see if they can order it in the correct size. Since the dress was purchased on a credit card, they should be able to credit the $55 toward the purchase of the new one.  Spending $50 to have a $70 dress altered doesn't make a lot of sense.

About the $15. It was pretty cheap of her to keep the change, but it's not worth arguing about it. If it makes you feel better, spend $15 less on her wedding gift.

Quitting her wedding or asking her to step down from yours would probably permanently damage your friendship with her. After the wedding frenzy dies down, you still want to be friends, right?

slpankuch

Ahh thanks guys. I think that helped just to vent a little.

I like the idea of taking $15 out of her wedding gift  to make me feel better.

I am def going to Macy's to see what they can do about the dress.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_long-bm-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7288d48a-b979-47d9-9bda-8c5609a047d3Post:e2995c75-e5b2-4508-a81b-627c7478f9e3">Re: Long BM rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Ahh thanks guys. I think that helped just to vent a little. I like the idea of taking $15 out of her wedding gift  to make me feel better. I am def going to Macy's to see what they can do about the dress.
Posted by slpankuch[/QUOTE]

Give her a check for $35 as a gift.

RaptorSLH

Really?  The $15 would very much be worth fighting over to me, since it means my "friend" essentially robbed me.  It's not "cheap," it's theft.  I would seriously question the value of a friendship if they saw me as a quick way to make a buck.  The only way this would be acceptable to me is if I already owed her money.  Charging for shipping is reasonable, except she didn't need to ship it at all, and she's still keeping an extra $5.

I like Maire's suggestion about taking it to your Macy's and asking if they can order another in exchange for you, though.

jemmini6

Weddings aren't tit for tat, so you can't really get upset that you chose to use a plain black dress, and she chose a dress that cost more.  I spent $130 for the dress for my sisters' wedding, but the dress that I picked for mine was only $35.

However, I definitely understand being upset about how shady she's being about the $15 and not letting you come pick it up (not to mention buying a dress not in your size in the first place, which is just weird), but is this really a hill you want to die on?  Is it worth ending your friendship over?

I'd return the dress you have at the Macy's by you and see if you can order the correct size online (or if they can order it into their store for you).  I'd also just take the money she owes you out what you were planning to spend on her wedding gift.  Sucks that you have to use a backhanded way of working it out, but in the end, it's not that big of a hassle (you probably should have just tried to order it online in the first place)

As for her cancelling on you, perhaps you guys can talk about that, but don't relate it to either of your weddings.  This is a friendship issue, not a wedding issue.

Good luck!  I hope it all works out for you!

slpankuch

It's a big time friendship problem. I've been out of high school for 5 years. I only visited with her 3 times out of those 5 years and it's always me visiting her or coming out of my way to drive further to meet. She has cancelled on me probably about 5 - 7 times in that time period and usually is last minute.

We keep in touch regularly though e-mail, fbook, etc but I'm seriously re-thinking how close of a friend she really is.
I guess I have to deal with those issues before I continue further.

MairePoppy

Under the circumstances, I don't really understand why you asked her to be a bm, but you can't change that now.

I stand corrected, Raptor. The friend stole the money. To me it doesn't matter if it's $5 or $500, the friend was not honest with the money. And $15 might be a lot of money for someone who is struggling to make ends meet.

slpankuch

Tell you the truth, I felt obligated to ask her since she asked me first.

Thank you for seeing the $$ the way that I do. It's not the amount. I can live with out $15! It's just the principle of it and the fact that I'm penny pinching for my wedding so I would think she would understand. Not to mentioned that she spent nothing on my BM dress while I will be spending over $100 on hers (which I dont' really care about normally because that's what BMs do but the $15 just pisses me off even more.)

Def doing the $15 out of the gift idea.