Love my FMIL... BUT... Pulling my hair out!

StarfishNJellybean

I love my FMIL, I really do. She's sweet and loving and genuinely cares. But I'm so frustrated with her right now I almost have to leave the room when she calls.

We told her we wanted a really small wedding... She responded by sending us HER guest list that she said had 91 people on it (and she miscounted - it was 113), including the folks from her gourmet dinner club whom my FH doesn't even know. I've tried to be nice, agreeing to get married in the Midwest even though I'm from upstate NY and currently live in Los Angeles (and so do all of our friends). When the guest list tipped at 160 and FH and I tried to talk to her about it, she responded by verbally cutting down the guest list and leaving me with 6 people. She gave herself and my FH 94, and me 6. That's the only time I've snapped at her - so far.

Since she had three boys and no daughters, I know she's felt left out of the other two brother's weddings, but everytime she talks to me, I can see that she's trying to "game" the system this time because I don't have a mother of my own to help me plan. Everything I do, she passively aggressively tells me is wrong and suggests something else. And every last time, her option is cheaper, classless, or just wouldn't work at all.

What do I do? I feel like no one's got my back in this situation and even when I need advice, I feel like I can't go to her for help because she's only thinking about what she'll enjoy the most.

Manwaithiel

Stop sharing wedding details with her. Readjust the guest list.

Who's paying for this shindig, anyway?

StarfishNJellybean

It's split between my in-laws, us, and a little from my Dad. We are paying for more than half ourselves, and their contribution is as high as it is because of the number of guests they want to invite. Initally, they were only paying for booze and the DJ.

I'd LOVE not to give her any details, but when we tried to pull back the guest list, first she got snippy and nasty, and then she cried and cried to anyone who would listen. Not to mention, the wedding is ALL she talks about. She won't stop asking questions whenever she's on the phone with us, and keeps badgering me about why I don't have an hour-by-hour schedule for the wedding day even though we have 11 months to go. It's like listening to that 20-top-songs channel on XM radio - we just loop through the exact same things we talked about two days ago.

I think it's like an OCD thing with her at this point.

sarahbethski04

I feel for you, it's very hard to put a pushy mil in her place. You obviously don't want to create a permanent rift between you over one day in your life, but it is YOUR wedding, and she needs to respect that. If i were you, I'd try talking to your FH first, tell him how frustrated she's making you and ask him to maybe talk to her about it. See if he can get through to her. if not then you have to sit down and gently tell her that your idea of what you would like to happen, and tell her that it would make you feel uncomfortable to have a large wedding. The exception to this is if she's paying. if she's paying well then you kind of just have to suck it up and deal.

AutumnFair

I think it's time for you to master the "bean dip" technique in which if she starts going on and on about some wedding thing you need to just respond with a simple answer and change the subject. If this doesn't get through its up to your FI to settle down his mom and tell her to chill because the constant opinions she is giving is becoming overwhelming.

As for the guest list you need to hash out who you really want there be it just grandparents, aunts and uncles, 1st cousins on both sides then some of you and your FI close friends or just splitting the guest list by thirds and giving everyone an fairly equal share no matter what the relation. Whatever it is, it needs to be first decided by you and your FI and then given to each side of the parent(s). This will make your life so much easier because you and your FI have an united commitment on the guest list and if one parent is being unreasonable it can be easily dealt with by whomever parent it is. 

So if your FMIL is throwing a fit about the guest list your FI talks to her and sets her straight by telling her that she gets X number of people and if she goes over it will be trimmed by you two or he gets to tell her that you decided to only invite aunts, uncles, and 1st cousins (etc) of the Bride & Groom. Remember this is his mom and its his job to set her straight on certain situations that are getting out of hand like the guest list.

StarfishNJellybean

*Sigh* (JK!) It would be awesome if my FI dealt with his mother, but everytime she speaks, it gets his ire up and he goes into a silent rage! And as angry as she makes him, I've never seen him actually stand up to her.

Hmmm... Never realized that before.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_love-fmil-but-pulling-hair-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7289de77-2154-494c-99d9-942febf46f49Post:6ab2123b-ecf0-4fe7-b7ca-697fbca6eba0">Re: Love my FMIL... BUT... Pulling my hair out!</a>:
[QUOTE]*Sigh* (JK!) It would be awesome if my FI dealt with his mother, but everytime she speaks, it gets his ire up and he goes into a silent rage! And as angry as she makes him, I've never seen him actually stand up to her. Hmmm... Never realized that before.
Posted by StarfishNJellybean[/QUOTE]

<div>Hmmm, me thinks you need to kick your FI in the rear because he NEEDS to learn to stand up to her because her demanding style will not change unless HE puts a stop to it. Going into silent angry mode is not the way to resolve issues like this now or years down the road. Tell him to get his big boy pants on and grow some courage to respectfully and firmly direct the situation that his mother brings up. </div>

StarfishNJellybean

Methinks you're awesome, AutumnFair!

AutumnFair

Not a problem just trying to save you and your FI many headaches now and for the future.

Manwaithiel

Listen to Autumn. She said everything I would have said.

tldh

Autumn beat me to the punch.

zitiqueen

Yep, you have a FI problem, not a FMIL problem. Fancy jewelry doesn't make those problems disappear, by the way. It just makes them permanent.

Muffin'sMom

You've been given some excellent advice here.  Your FI needs to deal with her, she is HIS mother.  Pick a number that includes a fair number of guests from EVERYONE.  Give her the number and then STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.  If she asks, tell her everything is under control and change the subject.

People behave this way because they have been allowed to.  It will be painful to make her stop, but if you do not do it now, you will be dealing with this "til death do us part"...and that is a really long time.

Your other option is to have the wedding YOU can afford and tell her to keep her money and her opinions to herself.

If you don't get your FI to stand with you and deal with this now, just turn the whole deal over to her and let it go.  At the end of the day, you will still be married.....

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_love-fmil-but-pulling-hair-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7289de77-2154-494c-99d9-942febf46f49Post:10eb9be1-3067-4b8d-abb6-8bc1dc13a595">Re: Love my FMIL... BUT... Pulling my hair out!</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't get your FI to stand with you and deal with this now, just turn the whole deal over to her and let it go.  At the end of the day, you will still be married.....
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

Do you really not know how crappy this advice is? Yeah, she'll still be married... to a nutless little boy who is too afraid to stand up to mommy. And she'll have made that permanent, and have an entire lifetime ahead of her (or until FMIL kicks) of coming in second to whatever mommy wants, what with the wedding vows and marriage license and all.

OP, if you're okay with your opinion never mattering for the rest of your life, by all means, follow that advice. If you aren't, you'd better nip this in the bud now. Demand actions, not words, from your FI.

seasidebride24

Just a small suggestion: I was constantly complaining to my FI about FMIL and nothing was getting taken care of.  While talking to MOH she suggested that he is just tuning me out like he does when his mom gets irritating.  Instead, I had to find a way to relate to him that wouldn't remind him of all her nagging.  Since he can be very protective of me when I'm stressed and upset, I just put the issues into those terms instead of nagging and things got fixed really quick!  Also, follow his lead when dealing with her.  If he just ignores what she says and doesn't let it get to him then do the same.