Mom of Bride Upset About Small Wedding

earlyshock

My mother offered to donate $25,000 towards my wedding. She said, "You can use it for the wedding or for a down payment on a house." As I'm not interested in having an extravagant wedding and am much more excited about buying a house and starting a family, I'd rather save this money for the future rather than spent it all on one day. Unfortunately, my mother is not happy with this idea.Rather than seeing the practicality of having an intimate wedding with 20 to 30 guests and then saving the rest of the "gift", she wants my fiancé and I to spend the whole amount (plus more of our own money) on a wedding weekend. She is insulted that my fiancé and I may have a limited guest list and has been gossiping to family members about the wedding size and who may or may not be invited. To note: at this point no firm wedding plans have even been made. We have not picked out a venue or decided on the guest list.I am so hurt and frustrated by my mother that she is choosing to create drama and negative feelings towards me within the family. I feel she has offered this "gift" as a sort of sabotage. She tells us we can choose to use the money as we like, but in truth thats not what she wants. She rather us spend $25,000 on a wedding so that she take credit for an opulent ceremony. I wish my mother could take my feelings into consideration and not just think about how this makes her look. At this point I've decided not to discuss the wedding with her as she seems to be using it against me. I also am so frustrated that I'm really not interested in her "gift" anyway. I feel that it would have been more psychologically understandable if she had said, "I want to pay for the wedding, this is what I'll donate" (which I would have been very, very happy with), rather than "You can have this wedding gift and spend it as you like" and then criticize me publicly for my thoughts. Does anyone have any advise or a similar situation?

bachus79

Don't take the money.  Sorry.  Money usually comes with strings.

artbyallie

I agree with bachus 100%.

Muffin'sMom

I have a mother like that.  There is a price for every favor, every gift.  I refuse to pay it any longer.  Try to work your way into a more healthy relationship now...don't put up with it for a lifetime like I did.  Trust me...it won't stop with the wedding.

Maggie0829

I agree with PP...don't take the money.  If it truly is not a 100% gift on her part then you will have a long road ahead of her.  If she wants to pay for your wedding then let her but if she is gifting you the money to use however you want it then she can't really have a say since it is a gift.  Your best bet is to decline the money.

em01092

Yep, if she pays she gets some say. It sucks but you have to honor her wishes if she us paying. Turn down the money and pay for an intimate ceremony yourselves, if that is what you truly want. 

Try and reason with her. After all, she did say you could save it, so I don't get why she said that if she didn't mean it. That was wrong on her part, but it's her money so she can choose to take it back if you don't have it in hand. 

Maybe you can compromise? Spend a little more than you were wanting so she will be happy, but not as much as she is wanting you to spend. 

graysquirrel

I really admire you-- lots of women would just snatch up the money and revel in the extravagance. I agree with pps-- if you are uncomfortable with it, I would decline the gift. Explain to her that it is very important for you to have an intimate wedding, that you dream wedding just doesn't have the huge price tag. If she can't respect that, then that is her problem. 

tenofcups4me

I think it's pretty funny how people are telling you not to take the money. Sure, just pass up that $25,000, not a problem.

Your mom made a big mistake. If she intended the money to be used only for a wedding, she should have given it to you for the wedding, not "a wedding or a down payment on a house." My parents actually made a similar offer, but they knew I'd use it for a wedding :-)  On the other hand, they never gave my sister the option -- because they knew she would use it for something else, not a wedding.

Talk to your mom. Remind her what the offer was and what the two of you agreed to. Then I'd just stop engaging. She can't discuss it with you if you won't discuss it back.

AdeleDazeem

Years ago when my mom and dad got married, my grandfather offered them a wedding or a down payment.  They chose wedding, hands down.

Two years ago, when my husband and I got engaged, my parents offered us a wedding.  We didn't get the down payment option because they wanted a wedding and didn't want to beat around the bush over it.

It sounds to me like your mom really wants a wedding and was hoping that's what you were going to choose. 

But, she did give you a choice.  I agree with cfas and try to remind your mom of the initial deal.  Expain to her why you want a small wedding and how you'd be having it with or without her money.  My mom took a lot of convincing over our 12 person wedding. 

If she continues to give you grief, I'd consider turning the money down.