Moms and Maids

My Mom doesn't want to be involved

I got engaged in March 2011 and our wedding is in April 2012. When I told her that my fiance proposed, she said, "Oh, congratulations," and then began talking about the color of paint she selected for my grandmother's kitchen.
Since that time, my mother has been completely uninterested in helping me plan my wedding. My parents gave me a sum of money to use for the wedding, which was very generous and I am very grateful, but every time I approach her about wedding-related things, she acts put out. She went to my first wedding dress appointment and wouldn't offer any opinions and kept looking at her watch. When I asked her to go to subsequent appointments, she refused to go. After asking this past time, she told me, "I really, really don't want to do any more wedding dress shopping. You can handle it by yourself." 
I have asked her repeatedly for her help and involvement in planning and she's turned me down every time.  My dad says she's too busy, but she's always posting pictures on facebook about bike rides and pool parties with her friends. I don't have anyone else to do these things with. My MOH works nights and weekends, my fiance has the same attitude as my mom, and there's no one else. I'm doing this by myself and I feel really rejected and alone. I appreciate the money they gave me, but that wasn't really what I wanted or needed from my mom for my wedding.
Considering I've tried to talk to her several times before, does anyone have any suggestions about how to approach her and drive home the point that I'm overwhelmed, lonely, and that I need her help?

Re: My Mom doesn't want to be involved

  • It sounds a lot like your mom isn't interested in wedding planning and, to be really honest, it's not her job - or your MOH's - to help you.  It stinks that she's not that mom, the one you want, but it could be really hard to change her attitude if she's just not a wedding person.

    You can try talking to her about how you are feeling, in case she is trying to stay out of your way or something like that, and explain to her what you had thought planning would be like.  (I'd do this outside of trying to do any wedding stuff with her, maybe over a meal or coffee.) You might need to think about a compromise - what are the one or two things you really want her to be involved in - and talk to her about how much time and interest she has in doing those things with you.  But I would also be prepared for her to continue to be distant and uninvolved.

    At the same time and maybe even more importantly, you also need to talk to your FI.  It's his wedding, too, so he should be involved in the planning and decision making.  It sounds like you too need to have a heart-to-heart about his level of involvement and your loneliness and feelings of rejection.  He's got to be interested in at least a few things - food or music, the tuxes, something.  Even if he's not, he should be the person helping you out the most and should be the person going to appointments and helping make decisions. 

    I know that's probably not a helpful answer, and I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed.  Weddings bring out sides of people we haven't seen before.
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    Anniversary


  • Some moms just aren't into this.  It is the job of nobody except your and your FI to plan your wedding, and realize that nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as the two of you.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Let me preface what I'm saying with the fact that I'm a mom. My oldest is getting married this fall. (She is actually my stepdaughter but I've raised her with my husband since she was 9) I love weddings and parties and planning and all that crap. But some people just DON'T.

    Does it suck for you that your mom isn't interested? You betchya. 
    BUT, like others have said, the planning falls on you and FI. I concur with PP's that you need to enlist your fiance for more help. It's his wedding, too. 

    I also think a heart-to-heart with your mom is in order. About the wedding things you'd like her to for sure be there for  like PP suggested ... 

    BUT you also need to talk to her about how she is feeling about the whole deal.  .. about you, your FI, your future plans, marriage in general. It might be freaking her out that her little girl is getting married. She might be feeling like her world is spinning out of control; she might be feeling like she is losing you; she might be feeling damn OLD; she might be feeling A LOT of things ... but you will never know unless YOU ASK HER.

    It is scary to send your kid out into the world. It is scary to have them make huge committments like marriage, no matter how wonderful you think their future spouse is or how mature they are or anything else. 

    TALK TO HER. I just can't help but think there's more to her distance than she's not into weddings.

    Best of luck! PM me anytime!

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  • My Mom has been SHOCKINGLY helpful and into planning my wedding and I don't know how I would have done it without her time, effort, and help. She's much more tom boy than girly girl and I didn't expect it at all coming from her. But as the PP has stated weddings bring out sides of people you haven't seen. My Mom has kind of hinted around the fact that she is helping so much because it's the last big thing she can help with before I have a husband and although she loves him she's not looking forward to letting me go. Maybe instead of embracing it your mom is trying to distance herself and ignore those feelings? I agree, sit down and have a heart to heart
  • Is you FMIL not in the picture? Sometimes they can get more excited. I am getting a lot of help from one Aunt...There's got to be somebody around you, either family or even a not-so-close friend who loves weddings and would be happy to be excited and involved for you.
  • I agree it just seems she doesn't want to be involved. Don't get me wrong..I think she should be. If any of my kids asked me to be involved in something then I would be. But not all parents have that mindset. And as others have hinted..could it be that she doesn't want you to be married to this person? She might find it hard to show any sort of support if she doesn't want you being married in the first place.

    I agree with sitting down and talking to her calmly
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mom-doesnt-want-to-be-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:75deae9b-783c-4172-ac56-b6079c36f8bdPost:4eebf449-7d35-43ed-af60-8c672f8e5724">Re: My Mom doesn't want to be involved</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is you FMIL not in the picture? Sometimes they can get more excited. I am getting a lot of help from one Aunt...There's got to be somebody around you, either family or even a not-so-close friend who loves weddings and would be happy to be excited and involved for you.
    Posted by BTCarolus[/QUOTE]

    I hope this is true for you too. I was that friend for a co-worker last year. Her husband was working constantly (and frequently away) and her family wasn't interested in helping. So I stepped up. I enjoy wedding planning (though admittedly have no interest in planning my own), and I was happy to help offer suggestions and opinions when she wanted them. I wasn't in the wedding, but I was happy to help.

    However, I do agree with all the PP, that you need to tell your FI how you are feeling. If you are feeling lonely and rejected, he needs to step up in a big way. It's his wedding too.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • I'm definitely that friend.  OP, sorry you're all alone but you don't have to be!  Is there a cousin?  FI's sister? 
  • As PP have said, some people, including moms, just aren't into wedding planning. My own mother is the exact same way. She's unable to help plan physically because we're in different states, but she never asks about the planning. I think we all have this idea in our head that when we get engaged we'll have all these great mother-daughter bonding moments and spend hours cutting pictures out of magazines and planning together. But that's just not the way it works sometimes. Try not to take it personally that your mom isn't into the planning- it doesn't mean that she doesn't support you or your marriage.

    However, if I were you I would definitely have a talk with my FI about becoming more involved. It's his day too, he should take at least some interest, and be willing to help you.
  • I totally agree with PPs.

    One addition: Sometimes the groom isn't really into making decisions. Pale blue or dark blue table linens? Chicken or pork? Lots of people, male and female, don't care.

    But any person grown-up enough to be getting married is grown-up enough to help with the errand-type wedding tasks. So, I recently told my fiance: "Call the baker and ask how much the deposit is on a cake that costs $xxx. Also ask when they need the cake-topper or to know how much it weighs." Fun? Not really. Necessary? Yes. Require special female intuition or lots of lurking on theknot boards? Nope.

    As planning progresses, there are dozens of such tasks. Our wedding is pretty simple. No DIY, small wedding party. But I can see being overwhelmed if I had to do all these boring parts myself.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_my-mom-doesnt-want-to-be-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:75deae9b-783c-4172-ac56-b6079c36f8bdPost:3a53e266-4041-4183-be40-33cd41f2ec82">Re: My Mom doesn't want to be involved</a>:
    [QUOTE]I totally agree with PPs. One addition: Sometimes the groom isn't really into making decisions. Pale blue or dark blue table linens? Chicken or pork? Lots of people, male and female, don't care. But any person grown-up enough to be getting married is grown-up enough to help with the errand-type wedding tasks. So, I recently told my fiance: "Call the baker and ask how much the deposit is on a cake that costs $xxx. Also ask when they need the cake-topper or to know how much it weighs." Fun? Not really. Necessary? Yes. Require special female intuition or lots of lurking on theknot boards? Nope. As planning progresses, there are dozens of such tasks. Our wedding is pretty simple. No DIY, small wedding party. But I can see being overwhelmed if I had to do all these boring parts myself.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    Very good point. FI cares about the big stuff, but could care less about which pattern I chose for the luminaries we're using on our cocktail tables, or other minute details. So when he asks how he can help, I did what you did and gave him a list of necessary errands.
  • edited June 2012
    Regarding FMIL involvement, his mother passed away 5 years ago.
  • Sad. My DD's FMIL is deceased as well. It makes it really hard then! 

    I feel for you. I hope you are able to come to some sort of workable understanding with your mom.
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  • mbaetembaete member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    My mom is also this way.
    But my mom has been a party/ wedding planner for 20 plus years, So it really sucks!

    Hang in there. An tell her how you feel, It can only help the situation.
    Best of luck!
  • Agree with PP's, and one possiblity that hasn't been mentioned yet is that...she may be jealous. Obviously you know your mother best, but in my experience some women, whether older or younger, will be jealous of another woman, even their own daughter or friend etc, who is going through something exciting or lifechanging. They may not like being kicked out of the (family or social) limelight, they not feel like they are as beautiful as you, or like they have as much opportunity as you have, or even that their own husband doesn't treat them as well as your fiance treats you. people are weird...they can be jealous of anyone without even knowing it themselves!
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