Moms and Maids

My mom...kind of long

SO, me and my mother have never had a good relationship when I was in high school and now she always tried to control everything I did and if I didn't agree with her s*** would hit the fan! Well things started to get better once  I moved out and we started working on our relationship more. When I got engaged though things changed, My mom has not even acted a little excited about it, when I told her we were planning an October 2012 wedding she said that she would have to miss her cruise that she wanted to take in August because of me, then she compeltely ignored everything I said I wanted at the wedding and suggested the same thing that her and my dad had at their wedding(which they always say they wish they would have done different).Any time I try to talk about wedding stuff with her she changes the subject or gets an attitude. I don't know what her problem is...she also went to the bridal show with me and only talked about her cruise she just booked the whole time, after she had just told us that she and my dad would barely be able to help and could only give us 5 grand, which is fine but we are paying for over half of the wedding ourselves and she tries to tell me that she gets to make all of the desicions because SHE is helping pay..I don't know what to do. I have tried telling her that I want this to be a fun experience and I want her envolved but she doesn't even act like for two seconds that she cares about it!

Re: My mom...kind of long

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momkind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:75e3a14b-5185-4a8d-a0a2-19b20b7892faPost:0325f82b-321b-4948-88b5-1c4500545b13">My mom...kind of long</a>:
    [QUOTE]SO, me and my mother have never had a good relationship when I was in high school and now she always tried to control everything I did and if I didn't agree with her s*** would hit the fan! Well things started to get better once  I moved out and we started working on our relationship more. When I got engaged though things changed, My mom has not even acted a little excited about it, when I told her we were planning an October 2012 wedding she said that she would have to miss her cruise that she wanted to take in August because of me, then she compeltely ignored everything I said I wanted at the wedding and suggested the same thing that her and my dad had at their wedding(which they always say they wish they would have done different).Any time I try to talk about wedding stuff with her she changes the subject or gets an attitude. I don't know what her problem is...she also went to the bridal show with me and only talked about her cruise she just booked the whole time, after she had just told us that she and my dad would barely be able to help and could only give us 5 grand, which is fine but we are paying for over half of the wedding ourselves and she tries to tell me that she gets to make all of the desicions because SHE is helping pay..I don't know what to do. I have tried telling her that I want this to be a fun experience and I want her envolved but she doesn't even act like for two seconds that she cares about it!
    Posted by abcortines[/QUOTE]

    Turn down their offer of money, have the wedding you can affordm, and stop talking to her about wedding stuff.

    Otherwise yeah, she's right. She gets a say in how her money is spent. You, however, are not required to accept her money.

  • edited December 2011
    I could see why you would be upset your mom isn't excited. Is there something specific holding her back? I know my mom initially wasn't excited. It turned out she was mad we weren't having the wedding in the location she wanted. She became much more enthusiastic after we spoke about that.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • sparent2010sparent2010 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well my best advice would be do not  take her money and secondly just stop discussing the wedding plans with her. 

    Sorr yshe is not interested that is just how paretns are sometimes. You roll with the punches and ask your FI for help. 
    image
    Follow Me on Pinterest
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I always think it is a shame when parents volunteer to help pay for a wedding and attach contolling strings to it.

    Sit down with your mom when neither of you are angry or defensive.  Thank her for her generosity and tell her how you are feeling about her absolute control.  Tell her how you are feeling about this and talk it out. See if you can work this out and come to some sort of an agreement. 

    If you accept the money, she has some control if she chooses to exercise it.  Since you are also paying, that means she doesn't have control of everything.  If you can't work this out, don't accept her money and pay for the wedding you can afford.
  • edited December 2011
    I am sorry you have had to deal with this. It really is sad when the people you love and care about don't share your joy. My Mom has been much the same way. She is not paying a dime (I would rather have it that way honestly) but still thinks she should have control over what I am doing. Not cool.
    If she asks about wedding related issues, I just say something like "thanks Mom, but we have that covered. We will let you know if we need anything." I don't talk with her about it at all. In your case, I would go with one of two options:
    1. Since you and your FI are paying for over half the wedding, divide the costs. Mom pays for A,B and C, we pay for X,Y and Z. Give her say over what she is paying for. I could see how this might be a problem because some areas might overlap (such as guest list length) but if you can come to an agreement, that's great.
    2. Pay for the wedding you can afford and eliminate her from the planning process if she starts stressing you out. 
  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I think the only way you'll truly have control over the wedding is to not enlist your mom's help-whether it's her opinion or her money. She's made it VERY clear that her money comes with strings, and to an extent-it's understandable to want to know where your money's going, but how she's handling it isn't okay. 
    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Money Saving Tips"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt17ce82.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0"  /></a>

    White Knot

    Planning Bio-Added FOR SALE page, will be adding more stuff to it soon! 
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for all of the suggestions. I guess I am really just so upset about her not being excited and I am glad to see that there are other people in my boat and that I am not alone in this!
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Give back the money pronto!  Pay for it yourself and you can make all the decisions.  I am sorry your mom is acting like this but sometimes they just aren't as supportive as you would like them to be.

    Oh, and just curious...why would she have to miss her August cruise because your wedding is in October?

  • baker2snbaker2sn member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry you have to deal with this. I'm going to echo PP's on this one and say I wouldn't accept her money, since that gives her a say in the plans, if you can afford to do so. Also, stop talking about wedding plans with her.

    My mom is kinda the same way. She definitely doesn't act excited about the wedding, but then again, a hard lesson I had to learn/am learning is that no one else will be as excited about your own wedding than you (and maybe your FI).

    I say just try to roll with it and maybe she'll get more excited as it gets closer.

    And yea..I'm a little confused as to why she would need to miss her cruise in August if your wedding is in October, unless it's a funding issue...
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Daisypath Anniversary tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards