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Moms and Maids

MOH being opinionated but not helpful (Long)

Ever since we were children, it's been known that my cousin (who is more like a little sister to me) was going to be my MOH. I recently got engaged and informed her I was going to keep that promise. However, as soon as I told her my vision for the my wedding she began to bug me. First, she believes I'm waiting too long to get married (Mar. 2014) and that I should have it this year (my fiance and I have plans to save up enough money and will not be able to afford it until late next year, but I want a spring wedding). When I explained why that wasnt possible, she began to say that she doesn't know if she'll be living around here then (third time she visited a city and HAS to live there now). Then there is the issue of the dresses....she thinks that i should allow her to wear a low cut mini dress because she wants to look sexy and stand out. I told her no, firstly because this is a wedding not a night out at the club and secondly because it's my day and I don't want everyone staring at her in a shocking dress instead of watching the ceremony. She told me anything else would make her look ridiculous. Also, my fiance has only twenty people to invite and my family is so large I had to cut family members (only the ones I rarely see and never come to anything else I've invited them to) and some friends so it wouldnt be too unbalanced or expensive. When I told her that, and also that we planned on only having family members over the age of 21 at the reception she freaked out telling me who I HAD to invite including my twin 16 yr old second cousins (who never talk to me even when I say hello), my 12 yr old cousin who I never see, and the mother of the twins and her boyfriend(she is also my cousin, cannot hold herself together when she drinks and has the police called to her house almost every weekend because of that fact). When I put my foot down and said no she called me a b*tch. She also said she won't have time to help me at all because she's always so busy (she works 3 nights a week and parties every day she isn't working). At the same time, I have a friend I have known since 3rd grade who jumped in to help me out with everything without being asked because she said she had gotten stressed out planning her own and doesn't want the same happening to me. What I don't know is do I keep my cousin, who I promised so many years ago, as my MOH or tell her nevermind and have my long time friend instead.

Re: MOH being opinionated but not helpful (Long)

  • You have already asked her so you can't unask.  What you can do is have co-maids of honor, all bridesmaids with no maid of honor, etc.   It is only a title.

    It is pretty plain here - STOP sharing wedding plans with her.  She doesn't like your plans (which are fine) and she said you are being a witch (wouldn't let me post the word  you posted) for not inviting who she things needs to be there.  Stop sharing with her.  She isn't going to change.

    Here is what you need to do as far as she is concerned:  she only needs to show up and wear the dress.  You should choose dresses that flatter everyone but if she insists on a night at the club dress, you tell her no.  If she doesn't get the dress, she takes herself out of the wedding.  Have NO expectations of her.  It sounds like you would be far happier without her help anyway.

    Also, remember that it is up to you and FI to plan your wedding and this does not fall to people in your wedding party.  If they want to help that is great but you choose those who you want to stand beside you and honor.  You are fortunate to have such a wonderful friend to jump in and offer to help you.

    Good luck in your planning.  Remember - stop sharing wedding plans with your cousin and lower your expectations of her to nothing more than showing up and wearing the right dress.  You will be far happier if you do that
  • 1. Shut your pie-hole. Problems solved.

    2. Paragraphs.
  • 1. I wouldn't un-ask her. Not only would that ruin a great friendship you have, but it can create so many problems since you are also family. 

    2. It's ok that she isn't helping. That isn't a part of her job, although it's stressful planning on your own. I know, because I am! It's great that you have another friend helping out, just don't take advantage of that. And just because your cousin isn't helping doesn't make your friend better than her. Your friend obviously just wants to help to ease some of the pressures, since your cousin doesn't seem to be married, she doesn't know about the stresses that can occur.

    3. Good for you for standing your ground about the dresses and guest list. (You can be more polite about not liking the dresses like: "Well, I thought you'd look absolutely great in this cut/style/etc." or "We were looking at something more along this line..."). 

    4. If you really want your friend to also be an MOH, just make them co-MOHs. I was one, and it was great!

    "And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:23-24
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