XP: Mom/Pastor Woes

alyssatoepfer

First: 1/23/2012

Last: 2/17/2012

Hi fellow Knotties,

I am in need of advice.  My fiance and I are getting married in April in Kansas City (our new place of residence) and having a Lutheran ceremony where I am a member.  We have a great pastor that we've been working with for the past several months now and are excited to have her marry us.
The issue is, my mother is a pastor as well back in my hometown.  She has let me know since we got engaged that she wants to have some pastoral involvement in the wedding, whether it's a prayer or the homily or any other typical duties that my pastor in KC would do.
I am not interested in having her do any of these things.  My pastor did say that it would be OK to have my mother help at the wedding, I want her to be involved just as my mother, sitting in the congregation, not officiating. 
I have told her before that I don't want her doing the entire wedding and want her just to be the MOB, and I think she's trying to compromise with me on just doing something small at the wedding.
Another reason that I am against having her assist in the ceremony is that my fiance's uncle is a Catholic priest and we are not having him involved either, even though he has officiated at all of the other family weddings (all his family is Catholic.)  I'd feel uncomfortable having my mom officiate and not my FI's uncle, when his family members have already been a little surprised that we haven't had the uncle involved and are doing a Lutheran wedding.  No drama, just surprised.
So...how do I gently tell my mother (again...) that she just needs to be the MOB on the wedding day?  If it makes a difference, which I don't think it does, it's not like she has major financial control of the day...divorced Dad and FI's parents are paying.  MOB is buying my dress.
Also:  saying a prayer at the RD or reception doesn't appease her either.  It has to be specifically in the ceremony.

Sorry that was long.
Summary:  My mom the pastor wants to help in the ceremony.  I want her to just be the MOB.  What do I do?

Summer2011Bride

Admittedly I just read your summary. But I would go about it by telling her you want her to enjoy the day, not worry about anything, and be able to just sit back and watch the two of you get married. If she still insists, could you have her do an opening or closing prayer? Maybe that would be a good compromise, so that someone else would perform the ceremony, but she could still be a part of it.

At the end of the day, if she really wants to do the ceremony, I would let her. I have known other people who have had parents marry them, and it was really touching and special. This might mean a lot to her, so I wouldn't rob her of that if it's what she wants.

Girlie1030

Can she do a reading during the ceremony?  Admittedly I'm not familiar with popular biblical readings but I'm certain there a bunch that are typically done during a ceremony.  

MairePoppy

MOBs/MOGs outrank uncles. I would be very surprised if your FILs would be offended at asking your mom to participate. Are there 3 bible readings in the Lutheran ceremony? You could ask your mom to do one and the uncle to do the other. You could also have the uncle do the blessing before the meal. I have been to many wedding ceremonies where the MOB and MOG have done the readings. That didn't take away from their mom roles.

At the end of the day, it's your wedding and you have a right to choose your readers. But still, I think it would be nice to allow your mom to do this, since it's so important to her.