Moms and Maids

The Story of a Bridal Attendant (long)

I feel the need to speak to a issue that is rearing its ugly head more and more on these boards. So, story time. The names, places, and whatnot have been changed to protect the innocent, and the guilty.

I went to school with this girl, Bailey. Bailey got engaged, and was very excited to choose her bridesmaids. We were part of a small social "group", and all the other girls in the group got chosen to be a bridesmaid. Not me. I got asked to be a "bridal attendant". If I had known what that was, I would have politely declined. Unfortunately, I was young and stupid and when she asked me seperate from the other girls, she made it sound like bridal attendant was just another name for a bridesmaid. Oh, how naive I was.

The wedding started to get closer and closer, and I didn't receive any correspondence from the other BMs. I asked Bailey if there was anything the other BMs needed help with (keep in mind I thought I was a BM at this point), such as planning the shower or bachelorette, and she always responded very awkwardly, basically avoiding the subject. One of the BMs, Erica, ran into me at the mall one day. Erica was Bailey's MOH, having been her friend all the way back from grade school. She was a bit larger, but she was in a lingerie store, purchasing very small garments. She tried to hide them from me, and I was very confused. When I asked her about them, she admitted they were for Bailey's bachelorette. When I asked her about it, she 'fessed up that I wasn't a BM. That Bailey had told her and the other girls she didn't think I could commit to the duties of a BM.

I should probably mention that Bailey had been getting irritated with me more and more lately, because I had a new job and between that and school, I had no time to hang out with her. When I say no time, I  mean that I couldn't hang out with her during any time she designated. So, I guess she thought that I couldn't handle the "time commitment" of being a BM. I may have been a naive teenager, but I was still aware of the whole "BMs just need to buy the dress and show up". Which brings me to my next point.

I called Bailey after my run-in, and she confirmed that, yes, I was a bridal attendant, not a bridesmaid. She didn't elaborate, but I really didn't want her to. It was hurtful enough to think she thought I was irresponsible or a flake or whatever. I just wanted to ignore it and move on. During this conversation, she asked me to meet her at a nearby bridal salon the next day. I was free, so I said yes. When I met her there, she was talking with one of the salon employees. About BM dresses. This upset me, because I thought it was kind of mean for her to expect me to help her pick out BM dresses when she had just told me I wasn't one. But, nope, that wasn't it. She was looking for a special dress, for me. She showed me the BM dress, a really pretty chiffon dress in deep red, one of her colours. Then, she showed me my dress. I should mention I'm a little bit bigger, so there are of course certain sillhouettes that don't look good on me. She picked this strapless satin bubble hem dress with a butt bow. Not to mention the colour was absolutely heinous. It was her other colour, periwinkle blue. It looked nice on paper, but on me? I looked like a giant hot air balloon. And it was $300.

If I had any sense, I would have run away screaming at that point. But I should mention that I was relatively new to the city. Bailey and the group were my only friends, having moved to the city for university. I didn't want to lose them as friends, so I didn't want to abandon the friendship over something a silly as a title and a dress. But, oh, it gets worse.

Bailey and her FI (now ex-husband, don't even get me started) were paying for the entire wedding themselves. As students, that means that they had to cut corners and scale back their expectations. They got out a personal loan for the wedding, but as students they had to keep the loan quite small. That meant that things like wedding planners and day-of coordinators were not an option. Enter bridal attendant. I was known as being a "planner" of sorts, and so when the wedding got closer, I was ambushed by Bailey. She gave me all sorts of papers and folders, and was asked to make some sort of sense of all of this, and basically run around be her b!tch the day of.  Because that's what a bridal attendant is. A bridal b!tch. So, I did all she asked, and barely made it to the church on time. The BMs had all been treated to professional hair and makeup, whereas I had no time, so I had to throw my hair up in a quick bun and put some lipgloss and mascara on in the car. And when I made it to the bridal suite, Bailey was spitting nails and screaming at anyone who got too close to her hair or stepped on her dress. When I changed into my dress, the other girls held back their laughter. I was glad I didn't have time to put on any blush. I was red enough already.

Bailey made me stay out of the sanctuary with her until she walked down the aisle, to make sure her train was perfect and everything was in place. So, I missed my favourite part of the wedding. The bridal processional. I got to hear everyone gasp and "aww" at her. But I didn't get to see it. And I didn't get to see the groom's face as she walked, which is my second favourite part. I had to stand in the foyer until she was at the altar, and then I had to sneak in the back.

During the reception, they said the bride and groom never get to eat. Well, neither did I. I had to run around and make sure that everything was running smoothly, and make sure the bride had everything she needed. Bailey was one demanding bride. She needed more water, more tissues, more breath mints, blah blah blah. I had to help her go to the bathroom, and hold up her six bone hoopskirt and crinoline. All of this, and she never thanked me. Not once. She thanked all the BMs in her speech, but for me, I got diddly squat. About a month later, I got a key chain in the mail, from Puerto Vallarta, where they went on their honeymoon. I guess that was my thank you gift.

Moral of the story? Don't ask a "friend" to be a bridal attendant. Don't agree to be a bridal attendant. Just because it's your wedding day, does not mean you get to be waited on hand and foot. Also, in case you're wondering, Bailey's marriage lasted a little longer than five months. That's longer than our friendship lasted, that's for sure.

Re: The Story of a Bridal Attendant (long)

  • I told FI that if his sister asked me to be a brides bitch id turn her down! That is the most horrible role to ask a person and basically a slap in the face IMO

     

  • I wanna know why they got divorced!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_story-of-bridal-attendant-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b97ee07-df26-40eb-9678-7e96e3113f82Post:b5326dba-e9df-4821-9430-af2c88821bd3">Re: The Story of a Bridal Attendant (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wanna know why they got divorced!
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    Bailey faked a pregnancy to get his attention because he was cheating on her with Danielle, one of her bridesmaids, and he left her when he found out that she was lying. Seriously, you can't make this sh!t up. Her entire life is like one long, bad movie.
  • Wow! There are so many things wrong with this!! I can't believe anyone would treat a "friend" like this.

    It's ironic that she didn't want you as a BM because she didn't think you'd have time for duties but then she gives you the most responsibilities and duties out of anyone.

    I also want to know why she got a divorce. haha!
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    Anxiously awaiting baby #1! Baby BOY Due: May 30, 2013! Lilypie Maternity tickers

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_story-of-bridal-attendant-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b97ee07-df26-40eb-9678-7e96e3113f82Post:84f62aab-ee9a-454c-89a0-916f88a57e21">Re: The Story of a Bridal Attendant (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Story of a Bridal Attendant (long) : Bailey faked a pregnancy to get his attention because he was cheating on her with Danielle, one of her bridesmaids, and he left her when he found out that she was lying. Seriously, you can't make this sh!t up. Her entire life is like one long, bad movie.
    Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

    Look on the bright side -- you had a ringside seat for all of it and now you've got a great story to tell!
  • Um... a bridal attendant IS a bridesmaid! Or a bridesman. She sounds like a real peach, glad you no longer talk to her...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_story-of-bridal-attendant-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b97ee07-df26-40eb-9678-7e96e3113f82Post:6e3bba51-d68e-43d0-869c-e6e2444f0b4c">Re: The Story of a Bridal Attendant (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Um...<strong> a bridal attendant IS a bridesmaid!</strong> Or a bridesman. She sounds like a real peach, glad you no longer talk to her...
    Posted by DeannaCW[/QUOTE]

    There is a difference. The bridesmaid gets to process and recess down the aisle and sit at the head table. The bridal attendant gets to make sure the bride's happy and do whatever she needs. In some circles it's considered an honor. It's really just a consollation prize for a friend who you think isn't good enough to be a bridesmaid. I don't know anyone who refers to their BMs as bridal attendants. The connotations for that are just too much for me to handle(your bridesmaids are friends you want to honor, not servants to attend to you).
  • As far as I've heard, they've been the same thing. Like if there's bridesmaids and a bridesman or two, they're listed under the program as "bridal attendants".  Sometimes even when there's a mix of married and single ladies in the WP. This is the first I've ever heard of it being considered a different thing.
  • I've never heard groomsmen or bridesmaids called anything but wedding party or bridal party. Weird.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_story-of-bridal-attendant-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b97ee07-df26-40eb-9678-7e96e3113f82Post:9b559eb0-2c44-4a74-a1dc-6f1cd405cc71">Re: The Story of a Bridal Attendant (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]As far as I've heard, they've been the same thing. Like if there's bridesmaids and a bridesman or two, they're listed under the program as "bridal attendants".  Sometimes even when there's a mix of married and single ladies in the WP. This is the first I've ever heard of it being considered a different thing.
    Posted by DeannaCW[/QUOTE]

    Nope. Nowhere close to being the same thing.
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    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • Must be a cultural thing. Never heard of a "bridal attendant" whose job it is to be slave for a day. And glad I haven't, the whole thing sounds beyond rude.
  • How horrible!  You know what they say about karma, it's only a biotch if you are.  Good riddance!
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  • Holy sh--. Good on you for getting this cockroach out of your life. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_story-of-bridal-attendant-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b97ee07-df26-40eb-9678-7e96e3113f82Post:8b77b7bc-0db7-4ad9-8429-660d3bcfa69f">Re: The Story of a Bridal Attendant (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]LittleMissCutie just gave the best reason in the world for NOT asking a friend to do this crappy job. I am so sorry that happened to you. That bride deserves to go to hell.  <strong>etiquettehell.com</strong>  Please send them this story.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Done and done, retread!
  • I have hear "attendants" as a gender neutral, side neutral way to describe people in the wedding party, but only rarely.  On the other hand, I'd never heard of this personal servant crap before I joined TK.  There is no excuse for it.
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  • I thought it was personal attendant that was the biitch job, but no matter what you call it, it's wrong to treat a friend that way. I mean, you could technically give someone the title of BM and expect them to do the things a PA/BA does. 
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  • This post should not be hidden on Moms and Maids.  Throw this up on Wedding Party!
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