Future MIL-Rant

ErBear1010

Hi Ladies! 

I knew from the beginning my FI's mom was a major pain and I was thankful that she lives 10 hours away. (By pain I mean-I almost broke up with him after I met her...). However, with this whole wedding thing-I'm just fuming and despise her and I just need to get it all out to other brides and maybe I'll feel better.

FI and I got engaged in August 2011. When I talked to his dad after we got engaged he said "Well let us know when the wedding is and we'll be there." At the time I thought that was a very odd thing to say but blew it off. I started planning asap because I knew I was hand making just about everything-from the save the dates to the programs. His parents never mentioned anything regarding a wedding. (FYI-a little background-his parents have money. Lots of it.) They never offered to help, never asked questions, NOTHING. I questioned FI about this and he said that maybe they were waiting until December when we went out there to talk about things. I accepted that..kinda.

Fast forward to December when we are at their house FOR A WEEK. His mom didn't ask to see my ring until a day later (she hadn't seen it yet) and asked me questions about the wedding planning but never let me answer. In a whole week, about 10 minutes was spent talking about the wedding. The majority of that was "Is there liquor at the reception?" The answer is no..and when she was told this, she FLIPPED and demanded that there be liquor and said she'd pay for it. We said no again. She then overheard me saying that the wedding wasn't going to be very formal and again, she flipped out saying "I already have my dress! What do you mean it's not formal! I already bought a long gown for this!!" And yeah-that was the "wedding discussion" we had. 

After we returned home, my MIL called my mom, who she doesn't ever talk to, and started telling her that she wanted liquor and talking to my mom about trying to get us to change our minds. She also went on to explain to my mom that she wanted a formal wedding and she already got her dress, etc.... My mom (God Bless her!) said that we are having a wedding that we want and that she (my mom) is supporting the decisions that we make. After that, everything seemed fine...

Then comes the Rehearsal dinner planning-I knew where I wanted it. Friends of my family own a nice restaurant near where we are getting married and it's beautiful, convenient, and best of all, we can get a discount! I made plans go there and plan out the rehearsal dinner. Knowing that his mom would want to put in her "opinion", we asked if she would like an open bar and whether or not she wanted a sit down or buffet. My FI called and asked her what she wanted and she didn't know any of those answers. BTW-I FLIPPED when she said she didn't know if she wanted an open bar and wanted to see the cost first. When my FI told her what we would prefer, she apparently didn't like it. He explained that this is still our wedding and we would like to have some things that we want. She then HUNG UP ON HIM! At that point, I stopped planning the rehearsal dinner and just started making the invitations and resolved to stay out of it. 

I'm at the point where I am not excited to get married because she has made this a nightmare. His family has not offered to pay for ANYTHING except the rehearsal dinner and I don't want them to do that because it's causing problems. My dad gave me a great budget to work off of, which they criticized for some reason, and I'm proud of everything I have made. FI and I are at odds whenever we plan anything for this wedding because his mom guilt trips him and acts like a teenage girl who isn't getting her way. 

Please tell me things will get better!

~Erin

MairePoppy

If your parents are paying for the wedding reception, it is up to them to plan it or allow you and fi to plan it, if they prefer. It was a good idea to give FMIL a heads up on not having a bar, I guess. But you see how that went, right? You should not discuss your wedding plans with her, other than the things she absolutely needs to know, such as the time, place, formality. Keep it basic.

Since your FILs offered to pay for the RD, they are the hosts of that event. It is their privilege to plan that and make all the decisions, including the location, menu, bar and number of guests. You should stay out of the planning of the RD, unless FMIL asks for your input. Make sure you ask FMIL if she would like you to make those RD invitations, because she may want to pick those, since she is the host.



By the way, kudos to your mom for handling FMIL correctly. Your FMIL should have asked about the formality of your wedding, before she bought her dress.

blues28

Well your future in laws don't have to contribute money to your wedding but you should consider that a plus since they will have no say on what your wedding will be like. 

Not everybody is into weddings and no one will be as excited as you are about your and your fi wedding day so try not to be too disappointed by inlaws lack of enthusiasm.

Avoid talking about the wedding with your FMIL and hopefully things will be easier for you.

CowgirlK39

Wow, what a piece of work. I agree that you should leave her out of it. Have FI ask his parents if they are indeed paying for the RD. If not, then do as you wish, unless someone else wants to throw it. What she doesn't pay for, she doesn't have a say over, whenther she likes it or not.

ErBear1010

They are paying for the RD and asked what wewanted and where but then criticized it all! They are not from here so having them plan it is difficult and most likley wouldn't get done. She wasn't aware that invitations were sent for the RD so she gave me free range over that. She is not being helpful because she is upset about the wedding. We tried to ask her to help plan the RD and she seemed like she didn't want to at all. I'm not 100% sure she likes me and people have actually asked if she is trying to sabotage the wedding.

gananoque

Wow. Are you marrying my ex-boyfriend? Kidding.

This woman sounds like a nightmare. True, not everyone will be as excited about your wedding as you are, but you'd at least think your groom's MOM would show a little enthusiasm and support! Yikes. She sounds awful and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this during what she be a fun and exciting time for you.

I think the most important thing to work on is not letting it get between you and your fiance. You need to be allies in this. So make that a priority!

I wish I could say that things with your FMIL will likely improve but in truth, they likely won't. Anyone who is that selfish and judgemental about weddings is likely going to behave similarly when it comes to other things (for example, if you choose to have children). All you can do is keep your distance as much as possible and find strategies to not let her get to you. She is not your mother. She is not your mother. Remind yourself of that and try to ignore her as best you can. Rant to your friends (or on the boards) but don't let the tension into your marriage!

OliveOilsMom

Your FILs do not have to contribute to the wedding, your parents do not need to contribute to the wedding.  It is their choice to do so.  If you FILs are paying for the RD, then they get a big say in it.  Give her a few other options or let her figure out where to host it.  She can find restaurants on the internet if she feels so strongly about the one you wanted to have the RD at.  Or you can decline their offer to host the RD and just host it on your own.

RiRi157

First it's none of your business how much money they have.
You shoud have told his parents what kind of wedding you were thinking of having. Wether they are paying or not paying it's still there sons wedding and i'm sure they woud have like to know about it. I bet YOUR parents knew before his.
 
She was excited about the weddng so went dress shoppng.  Wow, maybe if you included her in the wedding talk she woud have brought the right kind of dress.

She is paying for the RD, she gets the say, and I never heard of sending invites for the RD.

You almost broke it off because you didn;t like her, you sound like a real piece of work.  Maybe you should rethink this since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

We all know the female runs the wedding show, the Fi could care less which leaves his parents out in the cold.

Hope non of you think your hubby likes your parents any better than you like his.  Men just keep quiet. 
There is nothing in your rant that makes your FMIL  sound like a horrid person.

kaitlyn&henry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7da2399d-5c57-4f86-b78f-d71dfefe82d8Post:18cd8729-03f0-4e39-a0a1-7818c9c4b579">Future MIL-Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies!  I knew from the beginning my FI's mom was a major pain and I was thankful that she lives 10 hours away. (By pain I mean-I almost broke up with him after I met her...). However, with this whole wedding thing-I'm just fuming and despise her and I just need to get it all out to other brides and maybe I'll feel better. FI and I got engaged in August 2011. When I talked to his dad after we got engaged he said "Well let us know when the wedding is and we'll be there." At the time I thought that was a very odd thing to say but blew it off. I started planning asap because I knew I was hand making just about everything-from the save the dates to the programs. <strong>His parents never mentioned anything regarding a wedding. (FYI-a little background-his parents have money. Lots of it.) They never offered to help, never asked questions, NOTHING.</strong> I questioned FI about this and he said that maybe they were waiting until December when we went out there to talk about things. I accepted that..kinda. Fast forward to December when we are at their house FOR A WEEK. His mom didn't ask to see my ring until a day later (she hadn't seen it yet) and asked me questions about the wedding planning but never let me answer. In a whole week, about 10 minutes was spent talking about the wedding. The majority of that was "Is there liquor at the reception?" The answer is no..and when she was told this, she FLIPPED and demanded that there be liquor and said she'd pay for it. We said no again. She then overheard me saying that the wedding wasn't going to be very formal and again, she flipped out saying "I already have my dress! What do you mean it's not formal! I already bought a long gown for this!!" And yeah-that was the "wedding discussion" we had.  After we returned home, my MIL called my mom, who she doesn't ever talk to, and started telling her that she wanted liquor and talking to my mom about trying to get us to change our minds. She also went on to explain to my mom that she wanted a formal wedding and she already got her dress, etc.... My mom (God Bless her!) said that we are having a wedding that we want and that she (my mom) is supporting the decisions that we make. After that, everything seemed fine... Then comes the Rehearsal dinner planning-I knew where I wanted it. Friends of my family own a nice restaurant near where we are getting married and it's beautiful, convenient, and best of all, we can get a discount! I made plans go there and plan out the rehearsal dinner. Knowing that his mom would want to put in her "opinion", we asked if she would like an open bar and whether or not she wanted a sit down or buffet. My FI called and asked her what she wanted and she didn't know any of those answers. BTW-I FLIPPED when she said she didn't know if she wanted an open bar and wanted to see the cost first. When my FI told her what we would prefer, she apparently didn't like it. He explained that this is still our wedding and we would like to have some things that we want. She then HUNG UP ON HIM! At that point, I stopped planning the rehearsal dinner and just started making the invitations and resolved to stay out of it.  I'm at the point where I am not excited to get married because she has made this a nightmare. His family has not offered to pay for ANYTHING except the rehearsal dinner and I don't want them to do that because it's causing problems. My dad gave me a great budget to work off of, which they criticized for some reason, and I'm proud of everything I have made. FI and I are at odds whenever we plan anything for this wedding because his mom guilt trips him and acts like a teenage girl who isn't getting her way.  Please tell me things will get better! ~Erin
Posted by ErBear1010[/QUOTE]

No one needs to offer or help with anything...it all falls on you and your FI. If parents offer thats very nice, but it shouldnt be expected. At this point, whatever they do offer, kindly decline since it seems shes giving you a headache anyway! The less control she has the better

MairePoppy

I'm sorry that your FMIL doesn't like you. I know it's tough because mine didn't like me at first, either. The more I tried to please her the more difficult she became. When I finally stopped caring about getting her approval, she changed her attitude. She knew if she wanted to  a part of our (and her first granddaughter's) lives, she would have to treat me with respect.

Don't let her get to you. Enjoy planning your wedding. If she's giving you a hard time about the RD, you and fi plan and pay for it yourselves. It will be a good investment in your future.

em01092

Ditto Maire. My FMIL is crazypants too, and is currently not speaking to FI or because we won't invite her friends from her church. She threatened to revoke all payments, but she did in fact pay for what she said she would, and she also threatened to wear black (apparently that is supposed to offend me because back in the day, that was a no no and to her I guess it still is). 

So, I understand what you're facing. Just be polite but firm. She needs to realize you are adults and this day is not about her and what she wants. 

That said, I do think you are a little bitter about them not paying for more than what they are. No one is obligated to pay for the wedding except the 2 people getting married. Like PP said, with money comes strings, so would you really want them to be paying for more than the RD? She would probably be even worse because then you WOULD have to listen to her wants or refuse her money and pay for those things yourselves. 

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7da2399d-5c57-4f86-b78f-d71dfefe82d8Post:b51587ff-786b-4d77-9c87-fc81872defcd">Re: Future MIL-Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]They are paying for the RD and asked what wewanted and where but then criticized it all! They are not from here so having them plan it is difficult and most likley wouldn't get done. <strong>She wasn't aware that invitations were sent for the RD </strong>so she gave me free range over that. She is not being helpful because she is upset about the wedding. We tried to ask her to help plan the RD and she seemed like she didn't want to at all. I'm not 100% sure she likes me and people have actually asked if she is trying to sabotage the wedding.
Posted by ErBear1010[/QUOTE]

Invitations do not have to be sent for the RD.  This is optional.  I basically just informed all of my WP in an email about the schedule of the rehearsal, RD and wedding day.  But then again, I only invited the people involve in the wedding, but I guess if I invited other family and friends I would have sent invites so there is that.

Honestly, I would decline her money for the RD and host it yourself.  Why put yourself through the stress of dealing with someone who may or may not like you?  Also, refrain from talking about your weddin around her because in your OP it doesn't seem like she is all that interested.

MairePoppy

em - you seem like such a nice, level headed person. Your FMIL really has to be 'crazy pants' not to like you. I'm glad that you figured out early  that you can't please someone who wants to be miserable.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7da2399d-5c57-4f86-b78f-d71dfefe82d8Post:b76523c5-9155-45f2-9914-0e887043bb23">Re: Future MIL-Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]em - you seem like such a nice, level headed person. Your FMIL really has to be 'crazy pants' not to like you. I'm glad that you figured out early  that you can't please someone who wants to be miserable.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you Maire! I really do appreciate your comment. It made me smile. I like to think I'm pretty sane and normal, but a little reassurance every now and then is fantastic. =D</div><div>
</div><div>And yes, I'm pretty sure my FMIL is one of those people. Oh well. Her loss. I probably will not have to see her until the wedding, so I'm hoping everything blows over before then. Did you read the thread I posted a few weeks ago on E about her? </div><div>
</div><div>(Sorry to thread jack, OP.)

</div>

ErBear1010

Thanks everyone! I've stopped caring what she thinks of me. Unfortunately we can't decline her money for the RD because FI doesn't want to upset her. She won't talk directly to me at all and he doesn't like being in the middle of things. I think she reluctantly told him we could do the RD how we wanted to but not without a hissy fit. At this point I'm focusing on what I can do for the wedding and he can smooth out the details on the RD. Now it's a problem of her guilt tripping him and trying to get him to change my mind about things and he doesn't know what to do. I would feel horrible but he brought it on himself by initially not sticking up for himself. He's working on it now...

Kristin789

Poppy is totally right about this:

Since your FILs offered to pay for the RD, they are the hosts of that event. It is their privilege to plan that and make all the decisions, including the location, menu, bar and number of guests. You should stay out of the planning of the RD, unless FMIL asks for your input. Make sure you ask FMIL if she would like you to make those RD invitations, because she may want to pick those, since she is the host.

You really should not have entered into any discussions with your friend's restaurant.

Here's what happens in my area - two women I work with just did this with their sons who are getting married.  The women and their husbands flew to where the wedding will be - one couple flew from Florida to Baltimore, the other couple flew from Florida to Vermont.  Before leaving, the women made tasting reservations at four different RD places in the town.  Then while there, they visit the possible RD venues, then choose one, then re-visit that RD location and set all and contract details like time, date, color of linens, menu, etc.  Then they came home and worked on the invitation design, etc.

But you barged ahead, made the arrangements with your friend's restaurant, and then demanded that FMIL answer OPEN BAR OR NOT and SIT DOWN OR BUFFET.  Let me just say if my future DIL called me, shoved her choice of restaurant and menu and everything else down my throat, then demanded that I answer just two questions regarding the event I was supposed to host, I would be hopping mad too, and very concerned that my son was marrying a demanding aggressive person...

I know a girl who got married recently, and her FMIL did the venue visits with tastings, and then chose one, etc.  Then the girl e-mails her FMIL with two designs for the RD invitations, and her FMIL really told her off.  Said that this RD was the ONLY thing that the groom's parents get to do, and that SHE was going to do all that SHE was supposed to do for this ONE event that SHE gets to host.  And that SHE had certainly hosted many dinner parties before, and that SHE would certainly host THIS ONE JUST FINE.  You just don't want to push yourself into a situation like this...

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7da2399d-5c57-4f86-b78f-d71dfefe82d8Post:81aa6ffe-9f26-4319-b3df-38aecad2389e">Re: Future MIL-Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone! I've stopped caring what she thinks of me. Unfortunately we can't decline her money for the RD because FI doesn't want to upset her.<strong> She won't talk directly to me at all and he doesn't like being in the middle of things.</strong> I think she reluctantly told him we could do the RD how we wanted to but not without a hissy fit. At this point I'm focusing on what I can do for the wedding and he can smooth out the details on the RD. Now it's a problem of her guilt tripping him and trying to get him to change my mind about things and he doesn't know what to do. I would feel horrible but he brought it on himself by initially not sticking up for himself. He's working on it now...
Posted by ErBear1010[/QUOTE]

If your FI doesn't like "being in the middle of things," why is he putting himself there? There should be no "middle." He should be standing right next to you, his future wife, instead of mealy-mouthing around because he doesn't want to upset mommy.

That's your real issue. You say he's working on it now? Great. Just know that if he doesn't find his balls before the wedding, he most likely never will.

asiriusone

I totally agree with Kristin.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7da2399d-5c57-4f86-b78f-d71dfefe82d8Post:81aa6ffe-9f26-4319-b3df-38aecad2389e">Re: Future MIL-Rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone! I've stopped caring what she thinks of me. Unfortunately we can't decline her money for the RD because FI doesn't want to upset her. <strong>She won't talk directly to me at all and he doesn't like being in the middle of things.</strong> I think she reluctantly told him we could do the RD how we wanted to but not without a hissy fit. At this point I'm focusing on what I can do for the wedding and he can smooth out the details on the RD. Now it's a problem of her guilt tripping him and trying to get him to change my mind about things and he doesn't know what to do. I would feel horrible but he brought it on himself by initially not sticking up for himself. He's working on it now...
Posted by ErBear1010[/QUOTE]

How about when you go to call her about details you both call her together on speaker phone.  That way you & FI can stay on the same page.  FI isn't totally in the middle, since you are all on the phone together!