Moms and Maids

FMIL stepping over a line

I am not sure if i'm crazy, confused because I've never done this before or what but I need a little advice on what to do with these ladies.

FMIL situation: FI and his family moved into their house about 12 years ago, and his mother became quiet good friend with his neighbour (who is crazy) over the past few years. Let me make is clear that crazy neighbour was never a part of his life, just friends with his mom. In fact there have been many situations where crazy neighbour has really stepped on FI's toes, and crossed over lines, (which I will not get into here). She is just nuts, and overtly nosey. FI has made it MORE than clear that he does not want her involed in our wedding in any way shape or form. He refuses to even be at his mother's house when this looney-toon is there. FMIL was insisting for a while that crazy neighbour be invited to the wedding, FI and FMIL got into a huge argument in our living room about the situation, and he said either crazy neighbour will be there, or he will be there (at the wedding) to which FMIL said "oh we can talk about this later" and she keeps trying to bring it up! If that wasn't bad enough she is trying to drag me into it, every time I reply the same way "This is between you and your son. He is the one that I am marrying, and this is up to him, whatever he chooses I will support his decision", which she goes on to try and pressure me to allow crazy neighbour to be invited!

Everythign was okay and quiet for a while until it got leaked to me that FMIL is now ASKING crazy neighbour for help with MY shower and with the social (pre-wedding party, big in Manitoba, no where else) along with the next day brunch! The part that really pisses me off about this, more than FMIL going behind our back to let this happen, is that if she were to ask any of our aunts, sisters, BMs, MOH, cousins, they would be MORE than thrilled to help out any way they could, instead she is allowing someone that FI HATES to have a fairly large role in helping plan events for me/us.

I have no idea what to do anymore. FI tried talking to her once, and honestly I do not really want ot get into it with FMIL, but I am really worried that she is going to destroy her relationship with her son.

On top of this FMIL said the other day that WE are making it really hard on HER by not inviting crazy neighbour! FI flew off the handle at this, and nothing else was said. How are we making it harder on her? She is making it hared on herself!

Anyone have words of wisdom??

Re: FMIL stepping over a line

  • edited December 2011
    Stay strong is my only real suggestion. This is a real tough situation. You're doing the right thing by refusing to get in the middle of it. If it really comes down to it, you can always refuse the shower/social. There's no rule saying you HAVE to accept a shower that someone plans for you. If you do it early enough, before they've really gotten into the swing of planning, and do it politely, you'll come off as non-confrontational as possible. It sounds like that if you explain your situation to your other family, they'll plan another shower for you.
  • em01092em01092 member
    edited December 2011
    Wow, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your FI is doing what he can. If he has laid it out for her and she isn't getting the point, I don't know what else you can do. Maybe have one serious come to Jesus talk with FMIL and just bluntly tell her that you guys do not like neighbor and that neighbor is not invited to the wedding thus should not be asked to help or invited to pre wedding parties? This far in the game, that might be what has to happen. 

    Where is FIs father? Is there anyone else who could reason with FMIL, such as an aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc?

    Keep doing what you are doing by supporting your FI and not giving in to her. Best wishes. 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice:) I'm trying hard to stay strong.

    The problem with refusing the shower is that this is a joint-shower between my family and his. I really do love his family as well as my own, and MANY people would be very hurt if I were to refuse the shower, and I don't really want to, I just don't want this crazy bat involved.

    I don't know how to keep this woman out of it.

    FI says that he will talk to his mother again, but I doubt in anyway that it will make a difference.

    After Edit: FI's Fater has vowed to stay the hell out of everything and have us fo things our way in his words "We had our wedding, it's their turn, I'm just showing up" which we are more than happy with, but you're right, maybe it is time to drag him into it :s
  • edited December 2011
    [QUOTE] The problem with refusing the shower is that this is a joint-shower between my family and his. I really do love his family as well as my own, and MANY people would be very hurt if I were to refuse the shower... FI's Fater has vowed to stay the hell out of everything 
    Posted by Poppy101212[/QUOTE]

    <div>In your shoes, I would still decline the shower.  I understand why that's hard, but I would rather explain to a few choice family members that it's not them I'm rejecting, it's the unwanted guest FMIL is trying to force in.  They may decide to host independently, if they really want one.  As long as your FMIL hosts, there's no way force her to not invite the loon.</div><div>
    </div><div>And yes, it's time to bring in FFIL.  His philosophy works great most of the time, but when his wife is this out of control, he's abdicating a major role by not interfering.</div><div>
    </div><div>Does your venue have security staff, or bouncers?  Could one be arranged?  It may be time to start making contingency plans for the wedding itself.</div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • nlindsay17nlindsay17 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Can someone in your family host theses parties? FMIL can use the excuse she needs the help of looney neighbor if she is throwing them. Take this responsibility away from her. I know it is frowned upon to have any input in your shower but in this case I think you may need to seek help from your family. I don't think you should have to decline a shower and social because of this one person. If your FMIL insists she help it does not mean you need to invite this person. Your FI has made it more than clear that he does not want her at his wedding. You and your FI may need to go to FMIL as a united front and tell her that you do not want this woman involved in any part of your wedding and that she will not be invited period.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    So your FMIL is trying to corner you into inviting the neighbor to your wedding, by making her co-host of the pre-wedding parties. Just turn down her offer of throwing those parties.

    Since your fi has already told his mother, in no uncertain terms, that the neighbor will not be invited to the wedding, there is no need to discuss it any further with her. Whenever she brings it up, tell her she already has her answer and change the subject.

    I have to wonder why your FMIL would put her neighbors feelings ahead of her own son's, especially when it comes to his wedding.

  • jackman36jackman36 member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with MairePoppy. But, just WHAT IS this obligation that FMIL feels toward her crazy neighbor?  There is some missing information here.  FFIL needs to" grow a pair" and put some positive effort into this situation for the future bride and groom. I hate it when men take the easy way out.
  • edited December 2011
    The only missing information that I can think of is that crazy neighbour invited FMIL to her son's wedding (also invited FSIL and her boyfriend, we were never invited), and I think FMIL feels the need to reciprocate.
  • Grits8812Grits8812 member
    edited December 2011
    eek! thats a sticky one!
    as hard as it will be, you 2 just need to keep up with the things that you know you need to do, and worry about the wedding as a whole.  try not to think about the crazy neighbor being there. remember it is about you two and she can only ruin it if you let her!
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Your FI needs to be blunt, "Mom, you said that this may hurt your relationship with the neighbor but I have to tell you that this is hurting your relationship with me and I'm very hurt.  I love you but you need to respect the choices that I make with my future wife."

    She seems to be difficult but also like she's playing a game.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease but only if you hear it.
  • edited December 2011
    Update: Fi tried talking to him mom yesterday. Needless to say it did not go well. They ended up fighting. FI told her that he is not happy with what is happening and that there is not a chance that crazy neighbour will be invited that that FMIL just needs to accept it.

    FMIL then went on a rampage about how FI is going to ruin her relationship with her friend!

    I understand that a wedding is not only about us, but seriously, it is not all about FMIL either, especially when she isn't finanacially involved,

    FI tried bring his father into it, who just backed his mom up, saying that we should just appease her (as if if haven't done that already, we are getting marrie din a church and here at home instead of just eloping on the Beach in Belize like we wanted to).

    FI is so overtly angry, his mother is choosing her relatiopnship with her friend over her son! He is very hurt, and neither of us know what to do about it anymore. FI wants to just run away and get married somewhere else. I feel selfish for not wanting to because I want my dream wedding.

    This is getting too hard.
  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry FMIL is being so difficult about it.  All I can say is to stay firm on your decision and inform FMIL that you are very hurt that she is disrespecting your wishes and choosing her neighbor over family.  I'd also inform her that if she somehow still invites crazy neighbor to the wedding, or if crazy neighbor happens to just show up, that you WILL have venue staff or security escort her off the premises.  (with the way FMIL is pressuring you, that wouldn't surprise me that she'd invite them anyways).
  • edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry about your FMIL. It's awesome that your FI is able to stand up to his mom, but it doesn't sound like anything is getting through. Unfortunately sometimes the only thing that gets through to people like your FMIL is distance. Not knowing your living situtation, this might be tough.

    I recently had a huge fight with my mom because she would not back down about her stance on wedding stuff (long story). Talking it out didn't work, so I cancelled a trip my FI and I had planned to visit my parents. For her, she didn't realize that her actions had consequences, nor how her actions were hurting our relationship, once she did we were able to have a productive conversation. It's still not perfect, and my FI and I are still limiting contact.

    Granted this should prob be a last ditch effort, not a go-to, but it can be incredibly effective in helping a stubborn person finally pay attention. Just keep your chin up, it sounds like you're being an awesome support for your FI.
  • With nine months til the wedding you still have the option of elopement or destination wedding, you would only lose the deposits and I doubt crazy lady would go then.
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