Very sensitive BM

Negams45

So I love my bridesmaids.  All of them.  And I really love my family.  Here's my problem:

One of my bridesmaids (who I admittedly haven't known for a super long time, but is best friends with one of the other bridesmaids who I DO know really well) is going through a rough patch.  She has to work ridiculous hours and is tired all the time, and as a result gets kind of snappy and sensitive.  I totally understand why she would be like that considering the circumstances (and she and I had to have a discussion about her extrapolating something that wasn't even CLOSE to being there and getting offended - that convo went well).  Here's a problem that I'm not sure how to figure out.  At my bridal shower, she was sitting at the table in front of my cousins.  I've known these people literally my whole life.  I know how they are.  Sarcastic and super friendly.  They're not even CLOSE to being rude, or b*tchy to someone they don't know.  She complained to our mutual friend (the othe bridesmaid) that one of my cousins had said something to her in a rude way at the shower.  Mind you, she said that this was said to her when our mutual friend happened to have stepped away.  So there were "no witnesses".  My friend gave me the scoop about what the bridesmaid's side of the story was.  I don't know who said it, but hearing all of the details i would be willing to bet vital organs that it was just a joke that was taken completely the wrong way.  I spoke to the BM about it saying I was sorry that she had felt offended and I was sure that the person who said it was not intending to be rude and more than likely just joking around with her (all of my cousins BTW said how much they like ALL of my BMs when i saw them after the shower - without me asking).  I told her that I've known them my whole life and that they're just not that type of people (but again apologized that she felt hurt by what was said).  She doesn't remember who specifically said it, so I can't approach that person.  When I told her that I didn't think it was meant that way, she rolled her eyes and told me she's not stupid and she KNOWS when people are trying to be rude on purpose. I don't want anyone to feel hurt, but I know it's her being sensitive and I'm not sure what to do at this point.  I dont' want either drama OR hurt feelings at the wedding reception. What do I do?

MairePoppy

You should leave this alone. What would you do if you could find out exactly who said what to who?

If your sensitive friend tells you that her feelings are hurt again, give her a hug and tell her you are sorry that she feels that way. If she's having a rough time, she probably just needs a little TLC.

arp.one25

Honestly, I don't think it matters who made the comment to her.  As long as this BM can put this incident aside, you shouldn't have any problems.  Just explain that since she doesn't even remember who said it to her, it obviously wasn't as big of a deal as she is making it out to be and maybe they were just having a bad day (she should understand that).  I would just talk with her about it and make sure that it is not something that is going to affect the reception.  If she suddenly remembers who made the comment, then I would talk to that person, since you know them well, and ask them to "apologize" for giving off the wrong impression and see if that helps.  Maybe your cousin was just having a bad day and said something in a way that came off rude without meaning it to be. (People tend to do that when they are cranky).   Try not to accuse anyone of anything, and try not to make it a big deal.  Hopefully, that will help.

Maggie0829

You do nothing.  It was polite of you to apologize for what may or may not have been said in a rude way.  However, from this point on do nothing.  Bringing the subject up over and over again will only turn it from a mole hill to a mountain.

This may sound insensitive but is it really pertinent that your cousins get a long with this BM and vice versa?  After the wedding is over with I doubt they will ever speak again.  Just leave it alone.

em01092

I agree with Maggie. Just let it go. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_very-sensitive-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7f4a2b3c-8c07-4a33-97a8-2316b864d856Post:d449c386-2428-4d33-8430-82fbc4b5a1ab">Very sensitive BM</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>One of my bridesmaids (who I admittedly haven't known for a super long time, but is best friends with one of the other bridesmaids who I DO know really well)</strong>Posted by Negams45[/QUOTE]

This is wierd to me.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_very-sensitive-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7f4a2b3c-8c07-4a33-97a8-2316b864d856Post:4f2cac55-0174-457c-b11c-385a79890f1e">Re: Very sensitive BM</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Very sensitive BM : This is wierd to me.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>I thought so too, but I figured it didn't matter now. She's already asked her to be a BM so whatever. I'm still curious though. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, why did you ask someone you weren't good friends with to be a BM?</div>

Negams45

In response to what some people have said - the idea of whether or not something happened between two people is not my business is true.  I'm looking to figure out damage control for the future, not to fix what already happened (since that's obviously a moot point).  And by I don't know her well I meant more in the sense of we haven't been besties since we were five and I don't know her complete ins and outs like I would someone I HAVE been friends with for a dozen or so years. That's all.  It's not like someone I met yesterday.  The reference to her being better friends with one of the other bridesmaids was just to inform that the sort of very long term relationship where the ins and outs ARE known is something that the other BM has with her.  It's not a matter of not knowing her at all, just that i don't know her AS well as the other girl does. 

In a nutshell, resolution is not all that important to me because it's not my job to fix something between people who are not me.  I'm just looking to figure out how to avoid potential drama in a diplomatic way.

Yankee in the South

FWIW, I come from a very polite family that usually does not make sarcastic jokes.  My FI does come from a family with that kind of personality and it has been extremely difficult for me to feel comfortable around them - to the point where I try to avoid talking about my personal life/family/career/ect because I don't want it to be made into a joke by them.  

FI reassures me all the time that they really do like me and also that because they tease me it is a sign that they like me - which I don't get.  It hurts my feelings, because I was raised and still believe that there is truth behind every sarcastic comment - no matter if it is followed by "just kidding!"  To make matters worse, life with my family has not well equipped me to deal with his family's personality, so when they do tease me, my initial reaction is to feel attacked and for my claws to come out.  

Fortunately we only see his family 2-3 times a year, so I can deal with it - but I might need to be medicated for the wedding because being around them and their jokes in my hometown (which they will probably make fun of) on the most important day of my life gives me serious anxiety.  

I guess what I'm saying is that I think I can see this from your BM's point of view and even though my FI tells me that they don't mean to offend me and hurt my feelings, it still does.  FI tries to help me deal with it but, I would appreciate it a little more if I felt like he was standing up for me rather than telling me to get over it because his family is set in their ways and won't change.  

ALSO:  next time you post, please consider inserting paragraphs if it will be long. It makes it so much easier for people to read!