ex-husband financial responsibility

pamdugan

My issue is that my ex-husband has shown no interest in our daughters wedding.  Also doesn't seem to want to contribute financially.  My daughter wants to some how have my husband and her dad walk her down the aisle.  I know this is her day, but it bothers me that her dad is ok with walking her down the aisle and letting me and my husband and the grooms parents left to pay for everything!  He hasn't been there for my daughter emotionally for the last 7 years.  I just don't want him getting all the glory without some of the burden.  I know it sounds awful, but am I out of line to ask my daughter to have her father help contribute or just be a guest?  Oh, we are inviting all of his family too, you would think he would want to pay for some of the reception??

pamdugan

My daughters dad has shown no interest or financial responsibility for my daughters wedding.  She plans on having my husand and her dad walk her down the aisle some how. Her dad seems to be ok with having me an my husband and the grooms pay for everything.  Oh, we are also inviting his whole family, so maybe he could help with the reception?  Probably not. I know it's my daughters day, but is it asking too much to have her dad help pay something, otherwise he can be just a guest.  Not fair if he would take all the glory without any of the burden.  Am I totally wrong? Her dad hasn't been there  for her emotionally either for the last 7 years.  At the end of the day, it's not really about the money, but I don't feel he has earned the honor of walking her down the aisle.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ex-husband-financial-responsibility?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:80d226e4-65d6-4344-8359-c225dd19b06cPost:198a1444-85a6-4825-9b92-dbf8adac2ec7">Re: ex-husband financial responsibility</a>:
[QUOTE]My daughters dad has shown no interest or financial responsibility for my daughters wedding.  She plans on having my husand and her dad walk her down the aisle some how. Her dad seems to be ok with having me an my husband and the grooms pay for everything.  Oh, we are also inviting his whole family, so maybe he could help with the reception?  Probably not. I know it's my daughters day, <strong>but is it asking too much to have her dad help pay something, otherwise he can be just a guest. </strong> <strong>Not fair if he would take all the glory without any of the burden.  Am I totally wrong?</strong> Her dad hasn't been there  for her emotionally either for the last 7 years.  At the end of the day, it's not really about the money, but I don't feel he has earned the honor of walking her down the aisle.
Posted by pamdugan[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes. It is never ok to ask for money, and the days of a father being obligated to pay for his daughter's wedding are OVER. If he wants to contribute and/or is ABLE to contribute, he will let his daughter know. </div><div>
</div><div>It should be your daughter's choice who walks her down the aisle and to what extent her father is included. Plenty of brides do this or find other ways to include a parent and stepparent. I have a hard time understanding why she wants to include him if he has TRULY not been their for her emotionally, so just let her make the final call. </div><div>
</div><div>I understand that it's hard for you, but please just try and stay out of this. You're only going to make things bad between you and your daughter if you make a big deal out of this. A friend of mine's mother was like this and got so upset that she wanted her biological father to walk her down the aisle instead of her stepdad that the mom revoked all promised payments and they are no longer speaking. Is that what you want?

</div>

jagore08

No one should contribute to the wedding except for the bride and groom.  If any of the parents wish to help they can offer but no one should be asked to put up money.  Your ex walking your daughter down the aisle should be her decision whether or not he offers to help pay.  You should try to take your emotions out of this and support your daughter in her decision. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ex-husband-financial-responsibility?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:80d226e4-65d6-4344-8359-c225dd19b06cPost:dc75a692-57b7-46b3-ab21-bb97d4420bcc">ex-husband financial responsibility</a>:
[QUOTE]My issue is that my ex-husband has shown no interest in our daughters wedding.  Also doesn't seem to want to contribute financially.  My daughter wants to some how have my husband and her dad walk her down the aisle.  I know this is her day, but it bothers me that her dad is ok with walking her down the aisle and letting me and my husband and the grooms parents left to pay for everything! <strong> He hasn't been there for my daughter emotionally for the last 7 years</strong>.  I just don't want him getting all the glory without some of the burden.  <strong>I know it sounds awful, but am I out of line to ask my daughter to have her father help contribute or just be a guest?</strong>  Oh, we are inviting all of his family too, you would think he would want to pay for some of the reception??
Posted by pamdugan[/QUOTE]

So he's been a piece of crap father for the last seven years but now that your daughter is getting married he's supposed to change his entire personality and all of the sudden be Wonder Dad?

Yes, you're out of line. It would be nice if he offered to pay, but he doesn't have to. It's not required of either one of you to pay for your daughter's wedding. And seriously, you'd ask your daughter to ask him to pay? Not that I suggest anybody ask him to pay because it's rude, but if I was suggesting it, I'd say you should be the one to do it since you seem to have issues with the whole thing.

kimberlygo

I think there's a distinction between walking his daughter down the aisle and playing the role of host.  I think people will recognize that based on invitation wording, social cues etc.  I think you could ask him to contribute, but I don't really think you can give any kind of ultimatum. I think in the end it will only harm your relationship with your daughter. This comes from a bride who is having some family weirdness due to her divorced parents and financials.

LoveMuffins

Yeah, like PP said there's a big difference between hosting and walking his daughter down the aisle. There are plenty of parents who don't help pay for their children's wedding, but that doesn't mean they aren't involved in the traditional ways. Anytime you ask someone for money it's rude. Your daughter is lucky and blessed to have an involved parent like you who wants to contribute to her wedding. But that is not something parents HAVE to do. Nowadays it's much more likely that a bride and groom will pay for their own wedding. If her biological father is unwilling or unable to help pay that doesn't mean he shouldn't get to walk her down the aisle - esp if that's what SHE wants him to do. You don't get to choose who walks her down the aisle any more than you get to choose her bridal party.

Traditionally the father of the bride did not walk his daughter down the aisle because he was paying for the wedding, he did it because of his place in her life, not her place in his pocketbook. There is a marked distinction.

Hosts are usually recognized by the invitation wording. For example, my parents paid for my wedding, because they offered and wnated to. DH's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and a few other small things, but they did not host the wedding, so our invitations said:

Mr. & Mrs. Parents of Love Muffin
Invite you to attend the wedding of
Love Muffin
to
Stud Muffin
on such and such date, etc.

You can still have clear hosting language and include all the parent's names by doing something like this:

Mr. & Mrs. You & Your Husband
Invite you to attend the wedding of
Bride
daughter of You & Bride's Father
to
Groom
son of His Parents
on such and such date, etc.

Also, traditionally the hosts welcome everyone to the reception. So when everyone comes in, after the first dance (if they do that before dinner) and before the blessing or dinner, you (or your husband) would stand up in the middle of the floor and thank everyone for coming, so happy to share in such a wonderful event, and please enjoy dinner and the party.

Those are the things the host traditionally does.

The host does not walk the bride down the aisle unless that is the person that she has asked to walk her down.

MairePoppy

I have several friends whose husbands walked out on their marriages and seem to forget about the children until there's 'a big day' or something. So I'll give you some sympathy. It just doesn't seem fair. Some of those friends are bitter and never miss an opportunity to slam the ex. Others have decided to turn the other cheek. As difficult as that is, it seems to get easier with practice. Guess which friends are happiest?

The bottom line is - there is nothing you can do to force your daughter's father to help with the wedding expenses. Parents are responsible for providing food, clothing, shelter, guidance and love to their children until they are eighteen. I get it that he wasn't so good at that, so I give you credit for raising a daughter who bares no animosity toward a negligent father. None of the parents are obligated to pay for the wedding.

You've probably been called upon to be the bigger person many times. You should do it this time, too. It's your daughter's right to decide who she would like to walk her down the aisle. Don't make her feel badly about her choice. Grin and bare it, Pam. Let your daughter enjoy her wedding day without strife between her parents.

Good luck to you.

calliopeia2013

You are totally wrong.  It is almost physically painful for me to read this, as I have been watching my FMIL destroy her relationship with my FI (and my FSILs) by doing pretty much what you're doing here.  This whole attitude - "he wasn't as good a parent as me, so why does my child treat him the same as me" - is TOXIC.  Absolutely toxic.  Whether you like him or approve of him or think he did a good job raising your child, he is the father of your daughter.  And you should be nothing but overjoyed for her that she gets to have her father walk her down the aisle on her wedding day.

If you say any of what you posted above to your daughter, she will hear you saying that you think you can buy her love - that you think you deserve more of her love because you're helping pay for her wedding and her dad isn't.  Toxic.

JaxInBlue

I am the bride you described - one parent voluntarily contributing to the wedding, one not.  Above and beyond the fact that it's rude to expect or ask anyone to contribute to a wedding that is not there own, I must ask you not to put your daughter in the position of having to choose which of her parents she disappoints or hurts.  If your daughter is like me, she knows that your are disappointed her father is not doing more.  She knows you would prefer that he not walk her down the aisle and she knows that he is someone who only appears for the spotlight moments.  Don't make it any more obvious than it already is.

My mother and stepdad never pointed out my biological dad's non-financial participation, never put pressured on me to get money out of him and never told me that they felt he shouldn't walk me down the aisle.  I know my mother would have prefered just she and I walked down the aisle, but she put her feelings aside, spared me knowing her opinion, and did not put me in an uncomfortable position of having to justify why I didn't want to create a bigger rift with my dad by telling him he couldn't walk  me down the aisle.  For me, it was less emotional to have them both, and I am incredibly grateful she was willing to set her opinion aside.

If you feel you must, find ways to designate yourself and your husband as hosts, but do not put the burden of demoting your ex onto your daughter.  I know who my dad and I still wanted him, faults and all, to feel respected and valued on my wedding day.  I also wanted to start my married life with as little drama as possible.  Please let your daughter make these decisions on her own.

ootmother2

You didn't create this young woman alone, did you?

Bad mouth him and you're bad mouthing part of her as well.

If you're smart, you'll change your attitude and let your daughter decide this alone

kmmssg

OP - you have gotten great advice here - especially from the bride whose mom left her own thoughts/attitudes about the FOB out of the equation completely.  Please do the same for your daughter.  It was a wonderful, selfless gift and obviously the bride noticed what her mother had done for her.

Do the same for your daughter and leave your opinions of her dad out of things.  You will fare much better if you do and you will be giving your daughter a wonderful gift at that same time.

melntaitt

I'm that bride too and I had to have the very uncomfortable conversation with my father that he will not be walking me down any aisle. My mother asked me to make that decision and it was easy - my step father will be walking me down the aisle.
If you know the history, you would understand why, but long story short, there's only one guy that's really been there.

FYI my father can afford to contribute - he's a judge, unmarried and very well off. However, I told him upfront that I would like for him to be at the wedding as a guest and as none of my other guests are paying to be there, I wouldn't expect that from him either.

Now you've said this I wonder if my mum feels the same way; I haven't considered it, but please consider your daughter may not feel comfortable having him financially contribute. I get your frustration, I really do, but don't let his awful personality mar your daughter's big day.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ex-husband-financial-responsibility?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:80d226e4-65d6-4344-8359-c225dd19b06cPost:318e0838-2eac-4c4d-8089-75bf698f0cd0">Re: ex-husband financial responsibility</a>:
[QUOTE]I have several friends whose husbands walked out on their marriages and seem to forget about the children until there's 'a big day' or something. So I'll give you some sympathy. It just doesn't seem fair. Some of those friends are bitter and never miss an opportunity to slam the ex. Others have decided to turn the other cheek. As difficult as that is, it seems to get easier with practice. Guess which friends are happiest? The bottom line is - there is nothing you can do to force your daughter's father to help with the wedding expenses. Parents are responsible for providing food, clothing, shelter, guidance and love to their children until they are eighteen. I get it that he wasn't so good at that, so I give you credit for raising a daughter who bares no animosity toward a negligent father. None of the parents are obligated to pay for the wedding. You've probably been called upon to be the bigger person many times. You should do it this time, too. It's your daughter's right to decide who she would like to walk her down the aisle. Don't make her feel badly about her choice. Grin and bare it, Pam. Let your daughter enjoy her wedding day without strife between her parents. Good luck to you.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

This...exactly. And well said too!

Meghannsix

I know what a horrible situation you're in, and I'm sure I'll be in the same situation when my daughter gets married.  It's terribly unfair, and it sucks, but it is what it is.  I really think your best bet is to be the bigger person here, and suck it up.  Good luck!

saric83

All of the PP's had great advice, and the only thing I have to add is thinking about it in a flip situation about how you wouldn't want your ex to ask your daughter to not have your husband walk her down if you weren't able to pay for it.  It certainly isn't the same as what you're describing, but maybe it can still help put things into perspective. 

My dad and my step-mom paid for the majority of our wedding, and my mom and step-dad weren't in a financial position to be able to do so.  I chose to have both my father and my step-dad walk me down the aisle (I've been closer with one or the other at different points in my life, so it would have been awful to choose between them.)  If my dad or my step-mom had ever at any point requested that my step-dad not walk with us, we would have declined their money and eloped, and it would have seriously damaged my relationship with them for them to put me in that position. 

Please don't do it.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ex-husband-financial-responsibility?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:80d226e4-65d6-4344-8359-c225dd19b06cPost:dc75a692-57b7-46b3-ab21-bb97d4420bcc">ex-husband financial responsibility</a>:
[QUOTE]My issue is that my ex-husband has shown no interest in our daughters wedding.  Also doesn't seem to want to contribute financially.  My daughter wants to some how have my husband and her dad walk her down the aisle.  I know this is her day, but it bothers me that her dad is ok with walking her down the aisle and letting me and my husband and the grooms parents left to pay for everything!  He hasn't been there for my daughter emotionally for the last 7 years.  I just don't want him getting all the glory without some of the burden.  I know it sounds awful, but <strong>am I out of line to ask my daughter to have her father help contribute or just be a guest?</strong>  Oh, we are inviting all of his family too, you would think he would want to pay for some of the reception??
Posted by pamdugan[/QUOTE]

Seriously?

My dad STOLE money from my wedding (long story), and he still walked me down the aisle.  You know why?  Because he is my father and that honor is about how he raised me, not how much he paid for for my wedding.

He has ZERO obligation to contribute money to the wedding.  You and your husband have chosen to do so, which is very generous, but it wasn't your responsibility either.  How your exH spends his money is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and has nothing to do with the fact that he's still her father and she can ask him to walk her down the aisle if she wants to.

JennyB0825

The whole situation sucks, I'm sorry to hear you're in this spot.

If you offered to contribute to your daughter's wedding, it would be very kind of you to leave the details to her.  If she wants her father to walk her down the aisle, that should really be her choice.