Mother of bride: help!

BethanyAnna

My mother recently went ballistic on me because I asked for a check to book a photographer that I met while she was out of town. She complained about not knowing anything or seeing her work. She then went on about how apparently paying for my wedding means that I have to consult with her on EVERYTHING and bring her along to everything vender we book. I think my mom is trying to be too controlling and more involved in my wedding planning than I wish. She could not get her mother to help with her wedding so now I think she is trying to give me what she didn't have and I don't know how to get her to stop or say anything without hurting or feelings or causing her to become enraged. Advice? Opinions? I just want this to be happy but she is causing me to push her away...

kmmssg

Sit down with her when you are both calm and discuss this.  Ask her if the money comes with her total control and approval.  If so, decline it.  Tell her how you feel and then listen to how she feels.  If you guys can't meet in the middle, you need to decline the money.  Those who control the money get to choose what they control/don't control.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:828bdc3a-afff-4339-baaf-b4cc8984d595Post:a0c1d518-2064-4ad6-881d-6f069af63980">Mother of bride: help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My mother recently went ballistic on me because I asked for a check to book a photographer that I met while she was out of town. She complained about not knowing anything or seeing her work.<strong> She then went on about how apparently paying for my wedding means that I have to consult with her on EVERYTHING and bring her along to everything vender we book</strong>. I think my mom is trying to be too controlling and more involved in my wedding planning than I wish. She could not get her mother to help with her wedding so now I think she is trying to give me what she didn't have and I don't know how to get her to stop or say anything without hurting or feelings or causing her to become enraged. Advice? Opinions? I just want this to be happy but she is causing me to push her away...
Posted by BethanyAnna[/QUOTE]

She has a point. It's her money; she has the right to decide how it's spent. You don't have to accept it though, if you don't want to deal with the strings that come with it. You can pay for your own wedding and make all of your own decisions.

4LeafClover3

If she is paying for it then she gets a say. She has that right. If you don't want her to make decisions then you will need to pay for things yourself. All you can do is talk to her about how you feel but I wouldn't go about it in a nasty or accusatory manner. If she still insists on making decisions then you have no choice. Either let her pay and make decisions and be grateful you don't have to pay for it or suck it up and pay for it yourself and get the satisfation of having things just the way you want it.

MairePoppy

It's her money. She gets to choose just how much control she wants over it. She might be concerned about you signing contracts with vendors without getting a chance to look over them.

Now that you know her terms, you should decide if you want to accept her money and involvement or if you would prefer to pay for your own wedding and have complete control.  Or you might be able to work out a compromise. You pay for the things, such as the photographer, that you want to control and consult her on the things that she is funding.

Good luck.

BethanyAnna

The thing is, in the beginning she wasn't like this! She asked me what I want and was going along with the things I want and liked it. She would politely ASK if she could come to appointments and I was fine with it until she started getting too pushing about what she wants. And started talking about how the things would be cool for her anniversary celebration. It just seemed like she was coming along for selfish reasons. I was very budget conscious the whole time I might add. I was never rude to her and don't understand why she has to act this way with me for just asking simple questions. I understand that it is her money but if you are going to tell someone you will give them the money and to do with it what they want. There is no need to go crazy when a photographer was only available while you were off on your two week extravaganza. 

BethanyAnna

I had given her all the info I had and shown her the photos that I had seen. 

Zippy88k

My mom started going a little crazy the closer we got to the wedding. My parents were also paying for the majority, so I just knew I had to accept a little crazy. My parents knew from the beginning that we'd be very picky about the photographer, so that was one of (only a few) areas my husband and I payed for. We had complete control, we didn't have any reason to ask anyone. 

If you really want this photographer, how about you pay for them?

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-of-bride-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:828bdc3a-afff-4339-baaf-b4cc8984d595Post:7af0727c-926f-44d9-94a3-827117aaf62d">Re: Mother of bride: help!</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is, in the beginning she wasn't like this! She asked me what I want and was going along with the things I want and liked it. She would politely ASK if she could come to appointments and I was fine with it until she started getting too pushing about what she wants. And started talking about how the things would be cool for her anniversary celebration. It just seemed like she was coming along for selfish reasons. I was very budget conscious the whole time I might add. I was never rude to her and don't understand why she has to act this way with me for just asking simple questions. I understand that it is her money but if you are going to tell someone you will give them the money and to do with it what they want. There is no need to go crazy when a photographer was only available while you were off on your two week extravaganza. 
Posted by BethanyAnna[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The bottom line and sorry to say is that she has say to where her money goes. So she might have started being open the first stages of planning but obviously now she wants to see for herself certain aspects like the photographer's work for her approval. If you don't think you can handle her being more involved with planning then you can always pay for things yourself. Many Brides do this to avoid situations like this. My recommendation for the future is to keep mom up to date on certain planning things and ask her if she has preference in coming along to certain things and work out a schedule so that everyone is content.

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HappyMOH77

Buy a bottle of wine ,invite mom over watch "Father of the Bride",  laugh!!! As the daughter of a can be controling mother that is the best advice I can give.  Wait until all the opinions you get when you have kids.  We call my mom Marie as a refrence to the Everybody Loves Raymond mother.  Learn to laugh about it smile, agree and proceed.  When I say proceed I don't mean you have to do it her way just that you can listen agree with her points then proceed as you choose.  My favorite lines to my mom are I will take that under advisement and I apprechiate your perspective I can see your point.  Then she goes home and I do as I choose, but her advise was often worht while.  It will keep you sane when the wedding is long over. 

When I was 3 my mother knew everything
When I was 13 she knew some things
When I was 18 she knew nothing
When I was 30 she knew some things
I hear when I am 40 she will now everything again, I am waiting to see if that is true.

Good Luck!!! and remember the one with the gold makes the rules when you have your own gold you can just agree and proceed, hopefully with humor.