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MOH is being a douche!

Re: MOH is being a douche!

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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:d26c1985-bc77-469c-97d9-8fabc96658c1">MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MOH: -Hasn't ordered her dress. Her CLEARANCE dress that I specifically picked to accomodate her growing pregnant figure and budget. The clearance dress that, as of today, no longer has her size available. Keep in mind I found the dress and asked her to order it 2 months ago. -Changes the subject whenever I bring the wedding up (which isn't often at all.) -Never offered to help plan or even attend the bridal shower/bachelorette party. Advice? Please, no snarkiness. I'm irritated beyond belief right now. I was MOH in her wedding 3 years ago and had no problems buying my own dress and showing up to the parties for her. I'm just wondering, since the wedding is less than 8 weeks away, do I have to just buy a dress for her?
    Posted by kellzyeah[/QUOTE]

    Nothing that she's doing sounds douche-y. She's pregnant, how does she know about sizing? How do you know what size she'll be at the wedding? How can she really be expected to order a dress? Couldn't you pick one for her closer to the wedding, so she knows what size she'll be?

    She doesn't have to be all interested in your wedding.  Could it be that you've burned her out with wedding talk?

    She doesn't have to plan you parties.

    Lower your expectations.
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    HandBananaHandBanana member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not a fan of how you are talking your pregnant MOH body.  She is a person, your friend first that happens to be pregnant.  Try to sympathize for what she may be going through as a pregnant woman that is probably incredibly self-conscious about her body. Why not offer to buy the dress if if can fit into your budget. 

    It is nice if a MOH helps but it isn't required. She isn't responsible to go to either your bachelorette party or shower.    As far as talking about your wedding, you must have heard this already, no one will ever care as much about your wedding as you.  The only time you should talk about your wedding is when someone asks you a  question about it and limit your talk to answering the question.

    Try to relax.  It is 8 weeks before the date and you're probably stressing about other things.
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    blahblah85blahblah85
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She didn't order it.  It is no longer in her size.  Find something else?  What else can you really do?  You shouldn't be treating her pregnancy like it is an inconvience to you.  If you want her to be in the wedding then pay for it.  Maybe she dosen't have the money? 

    Weddings are expensive for guests.  My fsil is getting married next month.  So far FI and I have spent $780 on clothing, shower gifts, bach/bachlorette party costs.  Thats not including their wedding gift, and the exttra clothes we still have to buy, and I am not in the WP.  FI is a GM.  Shes having to plan for a new baby.  She could be spending a crapton on medical bills, and you'd have no idea. 

    As for wedding discussions...people don't care if you are going to have clover instead of fern green for your invitation lettering.  Really, they don't.  Save your wedding excitement for on here!  We'll be excited for you!  :)

    Attending, and/or planning parties is not a requirement. 
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    CassieeKCassieeK
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe she thinks YOU'RE being a douche and that's why she's not doing everything you want. What a terrible thing to say about someone I assume is your best friend.
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    em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, she isn't doing anything wrong. She does need to get a dress, but like PPs said, maybe she was worried buying it ahead of time would be an issue? It was nice of you to pick one on sale and a maternity style, but she didn't have to  get it then. She's an adult and she can handle getting a dress. If for some reason she fails to get it, then she has removed herself from the WP. 

    If she changes the subject, are you sure you aren't talking about it too much? Do you ask her what's going on in her life? Some women just are not into weddings. It does not matter what you did for hers. Weddings are not tit for tat. 

    I get that you are frustrated, but remember she is pregnant. I haven't ever been, but I hear it kinda sucks sometimes. Parties and showers are not required, so she may be overwhelmed with her pregnancy to throw them. I know you're disappointed, but you can't say anything about it. Try to get over it. 
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    Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:d26c1985-bc77-469c-97d9-8fabc96658c1">MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MOH: -Hasn't ordered her dress. Her CLEARANCE dress that I specifically picked to accomodate her growing pregnant figure and budget. The clearance dress that, as of today, no longer has her size available. Keep in mind I found the dress and asked her to order it 2 months ago. -Changes the subject whenever I bring the wedding up (which isn't often at all.) -Never offered to help plan or even attend the bridal shower/bachelorette party. Advice? Please, no snarkiness. I'm irritated beyond belief right now. I was MOH in her wedding 3 years ago and had no problems buying my own dress and showing up to the parties for her. I'm just wondering, since the wedding is less than 8 weeks away, do I have to just buy a dress for her?
    Posted by kellzyeah[/QUOTE]

    You sound like a great friend, coming online to call your MOH a douche. The best part? None of this is even remotely "douche-y" behavior.

    I would change the subject too if you talked "wedding" all the time, esp. if I was having a baby and had more important things to think about. Say it with me: No one will be as excited for your wedding as you (and FI).

    MOH's/BM's, etc are NOT required to give/attend showers or bach parties. That is optional. She is not a jerk b/c she didn't do it.

    Thirdly, something makes me think you KNOW what you are saying is messed up, since you specifically asked for no "snarky" comments. My advice? Stop talking wedding with her, get over the fact she didn't come to your parties/doesn't want to come, and move on with your life.


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    nannewmurnannewmur member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    The best advice I can get is to pick up the phone and call her.  Don't say anything about the wedding and ask to take her to lunch-if that doesn't fit  in your budget, take her for coffee or ice cream.   Maybe she is totally stressed out.  She is going through a lot being pregnant and you are going through a lot planning a wedding.  Maybe she can not afford the dress and embrarrassed to tell you.  Make this about HER and listen!

    You really need to chill before you communicate with her at all.  Calling someone a douche b/c she isn't planning a shower/party is not reasonable.  If you don't chill about this before call, it will immediately come through in your voice. As a MOH all she has to do is show up in what you discussed at a specific place and time.  End of duties for the MOH!!

    I hope you get this resolved before this friendship desolves, if it has not already!!

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    jackman36jackman36 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay - you do not call you MOH a douche whether she is pregnant or not - tacky. And if she actually told you she was too tired to help out with the bridal shower/bachelorette party, etc,  because of her pregnancy, that should be respected.

    IN YOUR DEFENSE, if she has not COMMUNICATED with you at all about not attending the bridal show//bachelorette party and about not ordering her dress, then I do understand your disappointment in her. In that case, I would be upset if I were in your shoes also - especially when the wedding is less than 8 weeks away.

    You do need to sit down and talk with her about the dress issue. If she cannot afford it help her out - if she is not interested anymore,, then she is out of the wedding party

    I am so tired of reading the high-handed edict of some of these people on this forum - the MOH and Bridesmaids should not be expected to do anything but show up in the dress at the wedding - period. Get real - thery all know that they are should offer to help out to some degree. Kindness and consideration for the bride who needs any help she is offered.
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:e20bf4c1-ff23-4221-9c48-1fdcd8747dc6">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay - you do not call you MOH a douche whether she is pregnant or not - tacky. And if she actually told you she was too tired to help out with the bridal shower/bachelorette party, etc,  because of her pregnancy, that should be respected. IN YOUR DEFENSE, if she has not COMMUNICATED with you at all about not attending the bridal show//bachelorette party and about not ordering her dress, then I do understand your disappointment in her. In that case, I would be upset if I were in your shoes also - especially when the wedding is less than 8 weeks away. You do need to sit down and talk with her about the dress issue. If she cannot afford it help her out - if she is not interested anymore,, then she is out of the wedding party I am so tired of reading the high-handed edict of some of these people on this forum -<strong> the MOH and Bridesmaids should not be expected to do anything but show up in the dress at the wedding - period</strong>. Get real - thery all know that they are should offer to help out to some degree. Kindness and consideration for the bride who needs any help she is offered.
    Posted by jackman36[/QUOTE]

    OP, it's not considered polite to delete your post. 

    Re: the bolded part, so you think the best plan is for us to validate OP's feelings? Then, she feels worse, because we've all said what an incredible "douche" this OP's pregnant bridesmaid is because she hasn't ordered a dress? How does that help? Being in a wedding party is an honour, not a job. I stand by my original statement.

    Go ahead though, and treat your own nearest and dearest that way.

    ETA:  I didn't say it at first, but I think that referring to your pregnant MOH as a "douche" is beyond rude.
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    kellzyeahkellzyeah
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:e20bf4c1-ff23-4221-9c48-1fdcd8747dc6">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay - you do not call you MOH a douche whether she is pregnant or not - tacky. And if she actually told you she was too tired to help out with the bridal shower/bachelorette party, etc,  because of her pregnancy, that should be respected. IN YOUR DEFENSE, if she has not COMMUNICATED with you at all about not attending the bridal show//bachelorette party and about not ordering her dress, then I do understand your disappointment in her. In that case, I would be upset if I were in your shoes also - especially when the wedding is less than 8 weeks away. You do need to sit down and talk with her about the dress issue. If she cannot afford it help her out - if she is not interested anymore,, then she is out of the wedding party I am so tired of reading the high-handed edict of some of these people on this forum - <strong>the MOH and Bridesmaids should not be expected to do anything but show up in the dress at the wedding</strong> - period. Get real - thery all know that they are should offer to help out to some degree. Kindness and consideration for the bride who needs any help she is offered.
    Posted by jackman36[/QUOTE]

    That is literally all she has to do. LITERALLY. Am I bummed that she's not interested ? Totally. It hurts my feelings because I've done all of this for her before. But the one thing she's supposed to do is show up in a dress. She's also my only attendant. I can't really just "hope she shows up". If she's not standing up there, nobody is.
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:d61c34ec-2201-43c4-9b2d-d83f5f62106a">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH is being a douche! : That is literally all she has to do. LITERALLY. Am I bummed that she's not interested ? Totally. It hurts my feelings because I've done all of this for her before. But the one thing she's supposed to do is show up in a dress. She's also my only attendant. I can't really just "hope she shows up<strong>". If she's not standing up there, nobody is.
    </strong>Posted by kellzyeah[/QUOTE]

    Then treat her with some respect.
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    kellzyeahkellzyeah
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    And PS, being pregnant does not give a woman the right act like a flake. I've been pregnant twice, and so has MOH. If she can't afford the dress for some reason I feel like she needs to bring that up to me.
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:8ed40242-c875-44bb-be3c-36cb61252249">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]And PS, being pregnant does not give a woman the right act like a flake. I've been pregnant twice, and so has MOH. If she can't afford the dress for some reason I feel like she needs to bring that up to me.
    Posted by kellzyeah[/QUOTE]

    And for that reason she's a "douche"?  Wonder why she's having difficulty talking to you....

    Listen, I'm just pointing things out from her perspective.  Believe it or not, I'm trying to help you.
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    kellzyeahkellzyeah
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Um... yes. How is that not douche-y? If somebody asked you to be their MOH and you agreed but then for whatever reason didn't feel up to it, wouldn't you mention that to them? I'd like to see all of the girls getting all fired up at me for being a terrible pregnancy-hating bridezilla friend 8 weeks before their wedding with an MIA MOH.
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:279cddf1-21b7-4bf0-8792-47cc800fdaa8">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Um... yes. How is that not douche-y? If somebody asked you to be their MOH and you agreed but then for whatever reason didn't feel up to it, wouldn't you mention that to them?<strong> I'd like to see all of the girls getting all fired up at me for being a terrible pregnancy-hating bridezilla friend 8 weeks before their wedding with an MIA MOH.
    </strong>Posted by kellzyeah[/QUOTE]

    I don't even know what you mean by the bolded part.  It's not "douchy" because that word is very derogatory and if it reflects your true feelings for your MOH, it's no wonder she's not jumping fences to get a dress for your wedding.

    It's poor communication for sure.  Communication, however, goes both ways.  I'm starting to spot the problem, and I'm not sure it's your MOH.

    Could it be that you've burned her out with wedding related stuff?  After all, she has some pretty major changes happening herself. Could it be that she's just not as excited about your wedding as you are?
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    jackman36jackman36 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just talk to your MOH asap because you should not have to WONDER if she is going to show up or not!!!!! - you should be able to count on her for that!. By the way, I did not put my response in bold font -" the MOH and Bridesmaids should not be expected to do anything but show up in the dress at the wedding - period." Someone else did that for emphasis for their own gain, it seems.
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:bd1fb73d-5c83-40ff-9a19-b417231ae13e">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just talk to your MOH asap because you should not have to WONDER if she is going to show up or not!!!!! - you should be able to count on her for that!. By the way, I did not put my response in bold font -" the MOH and Bridesmaids should not be expected to do anything but show up in the dress at the wedding - period." Someone else did that for emphasis for their own gain, it seems.
    Posted by jackman36[/QUOTE]

    You really need to lurk more.  I quoted you, as is common practice, and I bolded the part that I was responding to.  This is also common practice.  I have nothing to gain here.  If you take a step back and look at what I'm saying, I'm trying to prevent OP from alienating her MOH altogether.  Validating her feelings is not going to accomplish that goal.  It will drive her further from her MOH.  I am trying to get OP to see things differently, in hopes that her wedding will be the better for it.
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    jackman36jackman36 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay - understood now about the Bold part. But be kinder to OP. She is 8 weeks away from her wedding and MOH is not communicating in any way shape or form.
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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:e9dbe600-b074-4bb1-91bc-c3a4cd86a239">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay - understood now about the Bold part. But be kinder to OP. She is 8 weeks away from her wedding and MOH is not communicating in any way shape or form.
    Posted by jackman36[/QUOTE]

    OMG, I understand she's close to her wedding. I get that.  If I was "kinder" as you suggest she would have gotten all validated and upset, and likely called her MOH out on it.  Where would we be then?

    I'm trying to get OP to understand the reality of the situation instead of through the "bridal goggles" that she's wearing.  The imaginary list of duties of the WP are generated by the wedding industry, in order to make money as people feel they have to spend, spend, spend.

    This MOH is expecting a baby.  Babies are expensive.  I'm guessing there's not wads of extra cash for showers, and bachelorette parties and dresses.  I'm trying to help the OP gain some empathy, some understanding and some perspective.  So she'll go into her wedding day happy that her friend is beside her, and not bitter because she expected more.

    Really, lurk more.
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    Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OP: It doesn't do you any good to delete your post when you have been quoted.

    I am two weeks away from my wedding. One of my BM's is pregnant and due the week after my wedding. Her last baby was born very prematurely, so she might either deliver early again OR be put on bed rest so that doesn't happen. I have no idea if she will be able to make it to the wedding or not. Yet you don't see me on her calling her a "douche" because I never would. Babies precede weddings.

    If she CHOOSES to not get a dress for whatever reason--good or bad--then she will have removed herself from the wedding. Just leave it at that. Have you ever actually ASKED her if something is wrong or what is going on in her life? You really have no idea what might be the reason she is distant lately. If you were a good friend, you would try to work things out with her as a friend rather than coming on here and calling her a douche.


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    kellzyeahkellzyeah
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Right, one of your bridesmaids. I have one and only one, it's not the same issue. The point of my post was never to cry about not getting parties thrown for me, it was just noted that she didn't help to plan or attend them and I think that's rude. The point of the original post was to ask whether or not I have to buy her a dress. It was discussed upfront that she would buy her own, I went way below the budget we discussed, and she still didn't buy it. If buying the dress for her was originally in my budget I never would have asked her. It's not. The pregnancy was noted because it makes it a little bit harder to work with her budget. Maternity gowns are more expensive.
    BTW- I don't only talk about the wedding. I'm not "burning her out" with wedding talk because as I stated before, I rarely talk about it.
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:a02745a6-0ceb-4678-8d85-51e78aff4561">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Right, one of your bridesmaids. I have one and only one, it's not the same issue. The point of my post was never to cry about not getting parties thrown for me, it was just noted that she didn't help to plan or attend them and I think that's rude. The point of the original post was to ask whether or not I have to buy her a dress. It was discussed upfront that she would buy her own, I went way below the budget we discussed, and she still didn't buy it. If buying the dress for her was originally in my budget I never would have asked her. It's not. The pregnancy was noted because it makes it a little bit harder to work with her budget. Maternity gowns are more expensive. BTW- I don't only talk about the wedding. I'm not "burning her out" with wedding talk because as I stated before, I rarely talk about it.
    Posted by kellzyeah[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You don't know the state of her finances. Maybe she can't afford it. Maybe she could before, but something's changed that you know nothing about and now she can't and is embarrassed. Buy her an inexpensive, off-the-rack maternity dress in black and call it a day. It is not the end of the world if she can't match your wedding colors, especially since she's your only attendant.

    </div>
    image
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    Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:a02745a6-0ceb-4678-8d85-51e78aff4561">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Right, one of your bridesmaids. I have one and only one, it's not the same issue</strong>. The point of my post was never to cry about not getting parties thrown for me, <strong>it was just noted that she didn't help to plan or attend them and I think that's rude.</strong> The point of the original post was to ask whether or not I have to buy her a dress. It was discussed upfront that she would buy her own, I went way below the budget we discussed, and she still didn't buy it. If buying the dress for her was originally in my budget I never would have asked her. It's not. The pregnancy was noted because it makes it a little bit harder to work with her budget. Maternity gowns are more expensive. BTW- I don't only talk about the wedding. I'm not "burning her out" with wedding talk because as I stated before, I rarely talk about it.
    Posted by kellzyeah[/QUOTE]

    It should be though. The issue should be "I'm sad one of my best friends may not be able to share my wedding day with me." You instead are making it "I'm sad so and so can't do stuff for me." So I guess you're right; two very different scenarios. My bad.

    But see, her not attending or planning is NOT rude. That's what we are pointing out to you. You have unrealistic expectations for this person. I wouldn't want to be in your wedding either, frankly.


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    covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-being-douche?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82fc9c5e-4818-4be8-a126-c6e488c20624Post:a02745a6-0ceb-4678-8d85-51e78aff4561">Re: MOH is being a douche!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Right, one of your bridesmaids. I have one and only one, it's not the same issue. The point of my post was never to cry about not getting parties thrown for me, it was just noted that she didn't help to plan or attend them and I think that's rude. The point of the original post was to ask whether or not I have to buy her a dress. It was discussed upfront that she would buy her own, I went way below the budget we discussed, and she still didn't buy it. If buying the dress for her was originally in my budget I never would have asked her. It's not. The pregnancy was noted because it makes it a little bit harder to work with her budget. Maternity gowns are more expensive. BTW- I don't only talk about the wedding. I'm not "burning her out" with wedding talk because as I stated before, I rarely talk about it.
    Posted by kellzyeah[/QUOTE]

    You're really not getting what I'm trying to say, but I'll answer your question about the dress. Just take her to a store and get something off the rack closer to the wedding so you know it fits her. You may need to pay for it, because for whatever reason, she's not into this wedding.
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