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Step mama drama

jrm111jrm111 member
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in Moms and Maids
Up until recently my father and step mother were getting a divorce, they recently changed their minds for "financial reasons." I hate my step mother. She made my high school years hell. She told my entire family I lost my virginity at 15 which I didn't, but even if I had, why tell them? and that I was the biggest whore in my school. She also did everything she could to try to ruin my brothers wedding last year. She stormed out of the ceremony because she didn't get special flowers, didn't let my dad be in any pictures, and told everyone I had only gotten engaged because I was pregnant which I wasn't. So my question is... Can I not invite her to my wedding? And how do I talk to my dad about this? I'm not getting married until June 2014, but I want to figure this out now so my dad isn't blind sided closer to the big day.
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Re: Step mama drama

  • AllisonT91AllisonT91 member
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    I came onto The Knot looking for help with a similar issue. It's YOUR DAY!! If she is known for making problems and never being satisfied, you know she's going to do something to ruin your wedding for you. It's a good idea to be thinking ahead so you can talk to your dad about this early, but he should be understanding of the situation. The main problem seems to be that your dad may give you the ultimatum of the both of them or neither coming to your wedding. If that's the case, maybe you can ask a family member or your dad to keep an eye on her and make sure she shuts up the whole time and stays out of the way. I hope this helps! Maybe someone else out there has some clearer advice for you.
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  • zizibetzizibet member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_step-mama-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:83c077b9-3738-45c2-b3a0-9fba7c0db0c5Post:1ed3d44c-b0f8-4966-b99f-5f1449ba647f">Re: Step mama drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I came onto The Knot looking for help with a similar issue. It's YOUR DAY!! If she is known for making problems and never being satisfied, you know she's going to do something to ruin your wedding for you. It's a good idea to be thinking ahead so you can talk to your dad about this early, but he should  be understanding of the situation. The main problem seems to be that your dad may give you the ultimatum of the both of them or neither coming to your wedding. If that's the case, maybe you can ask a family member or your dad to keep an eye on her and make sure she shuts up the whole time and stays out of the way. I hope this helps! Maybe someone else out there has some clearer advice for you.
    Posted by AllisonT91[/QUOTE]
    Oh FFS. Ignore this-it's bad advice. It's not "your Day" once you invite other people.
       I get why you don't want to invite her to the wedding-but that said, think of the level of drama  there's likely to be if you don't. Honestly, with the way her behavior was at your brother's wedding, do you really think she'd let your dad attend without her? Plus, your wedding isn't for over a year-maybe they'll get divorced/separated before then.
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  • AllisonT91AllisonT91 member
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    What's the point in throwing all the time and money into an event if someone is going to come ruin it, though? I still stand by that it's her day. And I'm new to all these boards, so I'm not up on the lingo. What's FFS?
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  • AllisonT91AllisonT91 member
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    Haha never mind, I googled it. I'm going to have to use that one.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    Fantastic advice, Retread! I completely agree!
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  • warpedredpenguinwarpedredpenguin
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    I fail to see how leaving the ceremony ruined a wedding. And if your dad wasn't in any pictures because she had a hissy fit, well that's your dad's fault for caving in, isn't it? Pretty sure it's difficult for a person to physically restrain an unwilling individual in public. Be mad at her for causing drama yeah, but I never understood not being mad at the parent who gives in.

    I understand nucking futs. I do. There were people at my wedding I didn't want, but they didn't ruin it with their antics. The only thing that can truly ruin your wedding day is not getting married, or an honest to God emergency. Besides, it'll only cause more drama if you don't invite her. I could honestly probably give you a pass for not inviting someone who has slandered you, even if they are married to another invited guest. But if it's your step-mom...it's probably just better in the long run to invite her. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    The only time a person could ever completely ruin a wedding is if you let them.  If you ignore their comments and their antics then they really can't ruin your day.

    I also agree with PP.  Your stepmom did not force your Dad to do anything.  He chose not to be in the pictures because of her.  It is never just one person's fault.  Your Dad is an adult and chose his wife over being in his sons wedding pictures.

    Your wedding is not for another year and a half.  Things can change quite a bit by the time your invites have to go out.  Maybe they will decide to go through with the divorce and then you don't have to invite her at all.  Maybe not.  But unless this woman has tried to kill you or has tried to force herself onto you FI you have to invite her.  Period.

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Agree with Retread and Maggie. 

    But, you said your dad & SM are not getting divorced for financial reasons.  Are they separating?  It is common right now for divorced or separated couples to continue to live together due to financial reasons.  If this is the case, I think that it would be ok to not invite SM because technically your dad and her are no longer together.  But if they are still considering themselves a couple, then yes invite her.

    For family photos, speak with your photographer.  Make sure they know the family dynamic and how SM didn't allow pictures at the last wedding.  Ask your photographer to have pictures with just your dad and with dad & SM.  If SM tries to protest when dad is called up, they should be ready to say "SM your next, but some with just dad right now."  Then you can just buy the ones without SM.
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  • jrm111jrm111 member
    First Comment
    Thanks everyone. I probably should have mentioned that a of right now they don't live together, but I don't know of that will change since they aren't getting divorced now. I think when I talk to him I will tell him he can bring her if he chooses to, but that I don't want a repeat of my brothers wedding.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_step-mama-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:83c077b9-3738-45c2-b3a0-9fba7c0db0c5Post:54c7f0f4-8876-46af-b21e-feef868209f7">Re:Step mama drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone. I probably should have mentioned that a of right now they don't live together, but I don't know of that will change since they aren't getting divorced now. I think when I talk to him I will tell him he can bring her if he chooses to, but that I don't want a repeat of my brothers wedding.
    Posted by Jenmyers89[/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't say anything to him about whether or not he can bring his wife until you are a bit closer to your date.  I think you are putting the cart before the horse.  I would wait it out and see where they are relationship wise when you are about 6-8 monhts out from your date.

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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_step-mama-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:83c077b9-3738-45c2-b3a0-9fba7c0db0c5Post:5d6937dd-2d0e-47e2-afb3-27e40eb2a42a">Re: Step mama drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]What's the point in throwing all the time and money into an event if someone is going to come ruin it, though? I still stand by that it's her day. And I'm new to all these boards, so I'm not up on the lingo. What's FFS?
    Posted by AllisonT91[/QUOTE]

    Again, it's not Your Day. Once you invite a guest, then it is about your and your new husband's obligation to host them graciously. Read Retread's advice.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2013
    I hope that they work out their financial obstacles and split up before your wedding. If they are staying together for financial reasons, only, they may not regard themselves as a married couple. If that 's the case and they are living their own lives, that could be a loophole.

    Have you ever talked to your dad about the things your step-mother did to you? I think you should tell him. Make sure he knows how you feel and that you are concerned that she will be difficult at your wedding. Ask him to work out a solution.



    ETA - if they aren't living together when you send out your invitations, then you are off the hook. You don't have to invite her.
                       
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