Fiance's sisters in wedding party?

andreab11

My fiance has 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters. Both of his brothers are standing up, along with both of their wives (his/mine-to-be sisters-in-law). Throughout our relationship I have gotten closer to his brothers wives, however I am not very close to his younger sisters. I keep telling myself, this is my wedding & I'm not going to have them in it if I don't want them to. Since his younger sisters are only 14 and 17, I asked my fiances grandmother if she thinks I should allow them to bring a guest each. Her respone was "Well aren't they going to be standing up!?!?!" along with a nasty look. Then I thought, maybe I'm being rude by not wanting his sisters to stand up even as junior bridesmaids. What are others opinions?

twilight.rose

I firmly believe that you should be in full control of who stands with you on your wedding day. However, in certain situations (and this may be one of them), I think it's better to simply ask family to stand with you instead of causing family drama that could damage relationships for years.

Keep in mind that your FI could have his sisters stand on his side, since you are not close to them. I had my best friend (a guy) stand with me, and mixed sides are becoming more and more common. I think you need to sit down with your FI and discuss the situation. He knows his family best, and will know if excluding them from the WP will cause a major rift.

Catwoman708

Bride's usually pick their own siblings or best friends, you are not required to have FI's sisters as BMs just because of someone else's mistaken expectations.

ehathewa

If you do not have them in the WP you could have them do readings... to make sure they feel involved/loved/special. 

melissamc2

I'm actually against having kids stand up, period, so that'd be my out!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fiances-sisters-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:84751a69-5fad-4dd7-900e-3e021ba193c8Post:ea648739-281b-42a3-b04e-30d937c47235">Fiance's sisters in wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance has 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters. Both of his brothers are standing up, along with both of their wives (his/mine-to-be sisters-in-law). Throughout our relationship I have gotten closer to his brothers wives, however I am not very close to his younger sisters. I keep telling myself, this is my wedding & I'm not going to have them in it if I don't want them to. Since his younger sisters are only 14 and 17, I asked my fiances grandmother if she thinks I should allow them to bring a guest each. Her respone was "Well aren't they going to be standing up!?!?!" along with a nasty look. Then I thought, maybe I'm being rude by not wanting his sisters to stand up even as junior bridesmaids. What are others opinions?
Posted by andreab11[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with the other ladies that it is your choice on who is on your side, but just like the ladies pointed out if there is drama waiting to be unleash if they aren't BMs its easier to just keep the peace and let them be BMs. Also they may be 14 and 17 now but they will be your SILs for a long time so do not let age be a factor to why they aren't in the WP, you don't want to go 10+ years down the road and feel bad for not making them BMs. So yeah, sticky situation, this is why most people include siblings on both sides but its totally your call on what you want to do.</div><div>
</div><div>If you are looking for other ways to include them besides BMs. Being a reader, female usher, or if they are musically incline play or sing something are good ways to include them.  </div>

[Deleted User]

Don't feel obligated to have them if you don't want them as part of the WP. I agree with the other ladies, though. Sometimes you have to pick your battles, and it isn't worth causing drama over. So if it is easier to just have them part of the WP, then do that.

I had H sister (his only one) as a BM and she stood on my side.

mob112710

I echo the others in saying this is a sticky situation. Made stickier because you've asked your FS's SIL's to stand up -- put yourself in your FS's sister's shoes, wouldn't you be hurt if you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid? Especially since they're teenagers and hormonal messes anyway! I understand that "It's your wedding" and that it's "your right" to choose the members of your BP. But sometimes you have to do things that you'd rather not do. I really think that not having them in the BP is going to come back to bite you sooner rather than later.

MobKaz

I think there are others factors to consider before making a decision.  Their ages, in particular the 14 year old, may complicate any "vision" you may have as to attire.  I realize that "teens" now dress more adult-like than before, but you may want to picture them in the dresses you may have toyed with, or the heels you may want them to wear.  Teens also bore easily, especially when the event or activity does not revolve around them.  Are they mature enough to handle participating in showers, rehearsals, dress shopping, etc.?   I realize that I am grossly generalizing, but they are points to consider.

You may also need to keep in mind that in all likelihood, they will not be able to participate in bachelorette festivities----nor would you want to alter those plans necessarily to accommodate them either. 

Finally, there is the issue of the potential of alcohol in the limo to the reception.  You might want to find out the parents policy on whether they can be "around" alcohol, even if they do not inbibe.

ZachandMere

I have three younger sisters (22, 18, and 14) and my fiance's sister (24) as my BMs.  I feel like age is nothing but a number and I know that my 14year old sister can act much more mature than some adults (especially some of these BMs I read about on here).  However, I still stand by the "do what you want" policy at your wedding.  So if you want them, include them, and if not, you should be full aware that you may harm your relationship with them and/or other family members on that side. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fiances-sisters-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:84751a69-5fad-4dd7-900e-3e021ba193c8Post:067300b0-7793-4cc5-82bd-66dbfd97454b">Re: Fiance's sisters in wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think there are others factors to consider before making a decision.  Their ages, in particular the 14 year old, may complicate any "vision" you may have as to attire.  I realize that "teens" now dress more adult-like than before, but you may want to picture them in the dresses you may have toyed with, or the heels you may want them to wear.  Teens also bore easily, especially when the event or activity does not revolve around them.  <strong>Are they mature enough to handle participating in showers, rehearsals, dress shopping, etc.?</strong>   I realize that I am grossly generalizing, but they are points to consider. You may also need to keep in mind that in all likelihood, they will not be able to participate in bachelorette festivities----nor would you want to alter those plans necessarily to accommodate them either.  Finally, there is the issue of the potential of alcohol in the limo to the reception.  You might want to find out the parents policy on whether they can be "around" alcohol, even if they do not inbibe.
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]
None of those are required to be a member of the wedding party.  Most teenagers can handle walking in a straight line, standing still for 20 minutes or so, and smiling.  I also really don't think that how well the bridesmaids fit the "vision" should have any bearing on who you have up there with you, otherwise brides would just hire models as their WP.  These would be really shallow reasons to exclude someone.

I'm of the firm belief that people should stand with the person with whom they share the closest relationship, not the most similar anatomy.  Unless the bride is exceptionally close with her FSsIL, they should stand on the groom's side.

Kristin789

>>I'm of the firm belief that people should stand with the person with whom they share the closest relationship, not the most similar anatomy.  Unless the bride is exceptionally close with her FSsIL, they should stand on the groom's side.

THAT.

JennaV26

My sister had her DH's sister as a BM and it was more awkward than anything. I doubt she even wanted to be a BM and we all knew she was just up there out of obligation.

amatadei

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fiances-sisters-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:84751a69-5fad-4dd7-900e-3e021ba193c8Post:067300b0-7793-4cc5-82bd-66dbfd97454b">Re: Fiance's sisters in wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think there are others factors to consider before making a decision.  Their ages, in particular the 14 year old, may complicate any "vision" you may have as to attire.  I realize that "teens" now dress more adult-like than before, but you may want to picture them in the dresses you may have toyed with, or the heels you may want them to wear.  Teens also bore easily, especially when the event or activity does not revolve around them.  Are they mature enough to handle participating in showers, rehearsals, dress shopping, etc.?   I realize that I am grossly generalizing, but they are points to consider. You may also need to keep in mind that in all likelihood, they will not be able to participate in bachelorette festivities----nor would you want to alter those plans necessarily to accommodate them either.  Finally, there is the issue of the potential of alcohol in the limo to the reception.  You might want to find out the parents policy on whether they can be "around" alcohol, even if they do not inbibe.
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

IMO, these are all incredibyl selfish and transparent reasons to not consider someone to be in your wedding party. The question is, are you willing to risk starting your married life being resented by several members of your new family? Is it that important to you that these girls not be included that you are willing to risk alienating yourself from all the people FI loves most?

Personally, I think that, if you have asked your FI's sisters-in-law to stand up with you, then you're going to have to extend the invitation to the sisters.This is, of course, assuming that your future family is more important to you than any of these superficial reasons listed above (btw, if you chose not to include them, please, for the love of God, do not use any of those excuses... Then, you have basically accused them of being vapid, shallow, self-centered girls with the inability to fill out a dress or walk a straight line and make yourself look needy and demanding). Honestly, I know where you are coming from.... I am extremely close with one of FI's cousins' wife (his cousins are like brothers to him), but not so much to the other wife. So, I chose not to create family drama and am giving both ladies other honors/responsibilities that day.

At the end of the day, you need to ask yourself what is more important-- having <em>everything </em>go <em>your </em>way or having a beautiful family moment.

beamer84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fiances-sisters-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84751a69-5fad-4dd7-900e-3e021ba193c8Post:0843cbcc-4e6d-412c-9e94-d5bc4763af52">Re: Fiance's sisters in wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you do not have them in the WP you could have them do readings... to make sure they feel involved/loved/special. 
Posted by ehathewa[/QUOTE]

We did this with FI's sisters. I wanted my BP to be just my friends, but we had his sisters do a reading. They were excited to be part of the ceremony.

martia21

i do not think that you are being rude if you arent that close to them then i do not think that you should ask them to stand. My fiance didnt ask my brother to stand on his side and i wouldnt expect him to to unless he really wanted him to. he isnt that close to him.

sarapara

My fiance's sister is going to be 12 at our wedding.  Since I have two sisters that are going to be bridesmaids, I did not think it was fair to leave out his sister.  So, she is going to be a jr. bridesmaid, but I would not even think about letting her bring a guest.  Plus, my step-brother is the same age as her, so I thought it would be nice for them to walk down the aisle together.  We are not having any kids at our wedding besides our siblings and our flower girl who will be 8. 

I did not want to create any family drama, especially since my future MIL would never drop it if I did not include her daughter.  I thought it was only fair to include all of our siblings somehow, so we did.  So my thoughts are, yeah include them, but no to them bringing a guest. 

shaylin1001

I saw a wedding where the groom's two sisters wore coordinating (but not matching) dresses with the WP, and they walked in with the parents before the maids. This way they were included, but they weren't officially bridesmainds.
They didn't do any readings or anything else, but they were highlighted as siblings of the groom. It was a nice touch, since the bride and groom weren't close to them (both bride and groom were out of high school when sisters were born), but they wanted to make sure they felt included...

lisab613

i agree with what some PPs said, give them some kind of special job that's not necessarily in the WP. your wedding party is going to get huge if you invite all of these people, and they are teenagers. readings, program/guest book people, something like that, is more appropriate for a teenager anyhow.

SKlepek826

I'm in a very similar situation myself.... I can't stand my fiance's sister (she's almost 30 years old), so I'm not having her in the wedding. But we are having my fiance's brother and sister-in-law in the wedding party because we are friends with them.... I'm to the point where I don't care if her feelings get hurt because she's mean and rude to me most of the time.... Remember, it's YOUR wedding, not your fiance's sisters' wedding. Good luck!

andreab11

Thanks for the advice ladies. I did talk to my fiance about it, and he isn't bothered about it either way, as he is not very close with them either. If I chose not to have them stand up they might hold it over my head inside, but it wouldn't come to the point of them not wanting to talk to me or anything like that. This was another thing I forgot to mention; my fiance's parents have a VERY nice house, new cars, etc. They have money. When my fiance asked his parents if they would be able to help out at all with the wedding, their response was "no, probably not". Very effortless. When we got engaged we picked a wedding date over a year & a half away. Not to sound selfish, but I'm thinking "they can't manage to put $20 away a month & at least pay for the dang cake?" It's just so careless/effortless to me. So if they don't want to offer to help with absolutely anything, why should I ask for his little sisters to stand up, knowing the expense of their dresses, shoes, etc. is going to fall on them?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fiances-sisters-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:84751a69-5fad-4dd7-900e-3e021ba193c8Post:51d8ae2a-39bb-4b18-817a-c0b84e6b91f5">Re: Fiance's sisters in wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice ladies. I did talk to my fiance about it, and he isn't bothered about it either way, as he is not very close with them either. If I chose not to have them stand up they might hold it over my head inside, but it wouldn't come to the point of them not wanting to talk to me or anything like that. This was another thing I forgot to mention; my fiance's parents have a VERY nice house, new cars, etc. They have money. When my fiance asked his parents if they would be able to help out at all with the wedding, their response was "no, probably not". Very effortless. When we got engaged we picked a wedding date over a year & a half away. Not to sound selfish, but I'm thinking "they can't manage to put $20 away a month & at least pay for the dang cake?" It's just so careless/effortless to me. So if they don't want to offer to help with absolutely anything, why should I ask for his little sisters to stand up, knowing the expense of their dresses, shoes, etc. is going to fall on them?
Posted by andreab11[/QUOTE]
How your in-laws spend their money is absolutely none of your business.  The only people obligated to pay for your party are you and your FI.  Excluding his sisters just because you're bitter that his parents aren't giving you money is very immature and sad.  At this point it sounds like you're trying to find any excuse you can to exclude them, and none of it has anything to do with them or your relationship to them, which should really be the one and only factor.

andreab11

The fact that they are not helping out financially is NOT the reason we don't care to ask them to stand up. I did not mean that in a greedy way. If they aren't financially stable, that's understandable. But if you knew someone supposedly didn't have the extra money, would you ask them to stand up knowing the expense of the dresses, shoes, etc will fall on them? His brothers are standing up and although we don't particulary care for his little sisters to stand up, I asked others opinions because I don't know if it's worth hurting their feelings over.

aerinpegadrak

Being in a wedding doesn't have to be expensive.  I know that none of the girls I asked are in a good financial position, so the only requirements I made as far as their attire were that the dress be black.  One girl already owned a suitable dress and accessories, so being a bridesmaid didn't cost her a dime.  Both of my sisters found dresses for under $50.

Again, the one and only factor in choosing the bridal party should be your relationship with them.  If you know they would have trouble affording the usual costs, the burden is on you to make it affordable, whether that means keeping the requirements within their budget or paying for it yourself.