Moms and Maids

I don't know what to do.

Hey everybody. I hope someone can help me.
I am getting frustrated and don't know what to do. My Fiance and I are getting married July 1st 2012, and we're starting to plan our wedding. My parents are paying for it and we're working on saving up for things (venue, photographer, dj, ect.) My Fiance came to me today and said his mother said that she is feeling left out, however, we aren't making to many choices and stuff right now, but she said she didn't know we did a registery already and my mom and her were talking, and my mom was talking about what flowers i want and the type of wedding dress i want and it hurt his mother's feelings that she "wasn't told about it" however, I didn't tell her cause nothing is set in stone yet and we're just looking at pictures and stuff. I an just so frustrated right now to the point where i don't know what to do. No choices are being made right now and my mom just wants to keep some things to us right now while we save up for it, but his mom wants to be included in everything. They both are really touchy to the point where you say the wrong thing and it'll hurt their feelings.  How can I make everyone happy????? Any suggestions?

Re: I don't know what to do.

  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would say talk to your  mom about not going into detail with your FMIL about everything because then it makes your FMIL feel left out. ( Not to mention it should be your FI "job" to keep his mom "in the loop") * ( Sorry accidently combined two different post but I fixed it)  If you want to make her feel included maybe  its could be simple as  emailing her a cute wedding idea picture and talking about it or even giving her small task to do. Example " Hey do you know what flowers are in season in July?  I really love XYZ flowers but  i'm not sure if they are available in July. "  Simple things like that.
    Anniversary
  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I disagree with PP.  I think you should definitely talk to your mom in detail about everything because SHE is paying for it.  She needs to be very in the loop.

    I think your FI needs to tell his mom that nothing has been planned yet, and if he should step up and fill her in on details if that's what she wants.  

    I do think PP is on the right track with suggesting quick emails.  Just send her some of your "inspiration" ideas and pictures of things and ask what she thinks.  You could also put her in charge of something - for example, planning the rehearsal dinner - and let her go to town on that project.
  • edited December 2011
    i'm with sara42nd. for sure let your mom know ASAP what the fallout has been from her convos with your FMIL and ask her to please not have those chats. there's no reason why she has to brag to your FMIL about the details you are sharing with her.

    it's perfectly fine and reasonable for you to have a different relationship with your own mother than you do with your FMIL.

    and it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy. from the sensitive personalities involved here, it sounds like you couldn't accomplish that if you tried!

    so relax - you've done nothing wrong. but best to pre-empt this kind of super sensitivity in the future with your FMIL by taking extra special care to "include" her in stuff.

    when we were planning our wedding, we did a couple of things to go out of our way to include my MIL who wasn't super involved. we planned to attend a big cheesey bridal show with her, invited her to check out the venue during an early meeting... that sort of thing. the suggestion about the occasional email is a great one! it doesn't take much and if it makes her feel good, why not?
  • edited December 2011

    I could have written this post. My only suggestion, other than what the PP's have suggested, is to give your FMIL a "task" for the wedding. My FMIL was throwing a pity party because my mom was more involved (considering she is paying and is my best friend it makes sense, but I digress) and I figured out something she could do to contribute so she has "something to do". Flowers are not provided at my venue (getting married in Vegas) unless you want to pay an arm and a leg, SO I asked my FMIL if she would make the BM bouquets...we went shopping together and now she is making all 7 of them (ugh you read that right, tons of them) and she feels better. I still plan with my mom but can call my FMIL and talk wedding stuff without having to go into every detail. Also, make sure to bring her for dress shopping, helps A LOT. Hope this helps GL!

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dont-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:852301f6-b2a3-416d-8a44-d0b54078998dPost:3342138f-2e4a-44f7-8db4-0f162f6cbc31">Re: I don't know what to do.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I disagree with PP.  I think you should definitely talk to your mom in detail about everything because SHE is paying for it.  She needs to be very in the loop. I think your FI needs to tell his mom that nothing has been planned yet, and if he should step up and fill her in on details if that's what she wants.   I do think PP is on the right track with suggesting quick emails.  Just send her some of your "inspiration" ideas and pictures of things and ask what she thinks.  You could also put her in charge of something - for example, planning the rehearsal dinner - and let her go to town on that project.
    Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]
    I don't think she said to keep OP's mom out of the loop.  She told OP to tell her mom to stop sharing in detail with FI's mom.



  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ooops I had accidently combined to different reply post and while I was still fixing it she posted the reply.
    Anniversary
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    I don't think you should change anyway that you have been acting.  You haven't done anything wrong.  I would keep planning your wedding with your FI and talking with your parents about your ideas (they are paying for it).  I would then speak with your FI about filling his Mom in when ideas are made...it is his Mom so he should be keeping her in the loop.  When I planned my wedding (with my FI input) I hardly talked to his Mom about all the details...I didn't feel that it was necessary because they weren't contributing...if she felt left out then I never knew...I also never volunteered information unless she asked.

    The important thing to remember is that you are not doing anything wrong at all.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    ditto Maggie.

    You haven't done anything wrong and neither has your mom. You will have to discuss your ideas with your parents because they are paying for your wedding. Your mom probably shared those ideas with your FMIL because she is excited about the wedding.
     
    If you tell your mom about your FMIL's complaint, your mom will probably be offended and then she will not want to talk wedding with FMIL. That will accomplish exactly the opposite of what FMIL wants. Fi should be meticulous in keeping his mother informed. If you want to get a email correspondence going with her, I'm sure she will enjoy it and it might help improve your relationship with her.

    Happy planning : )
                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_dont-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:852301f6-b2a3-416d-8a44-d0b54078998dPost:c0e18133-7ef8-4b76-97a8-9425f95f3ca8">I don't know what to do.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey everybody. I hope someone can help me. I am getting frustrated and don't know what to do. My Fiance and I are getting married July 1st 2012, and we're starting to plan our wedding. My parents are paying for it and we're working on saving up for things (venue, photographer, dj, ect.) My Fiance came to me today and said his mother said that she is feeling left out, however, we aren't making to many choices and stuff right now, but she said she didn't know we did a registery already and my mom and her were talking, and my mom was talking about what flowers i want and the type of wedding dress i want and it hurt his mother's feelings that she "wasn't told about it" however, I didn't tell her cause nothing is set in stone yet and we're just looking at pictures and stuff. I an just so frustrated right now to the point where i don't know what to do. No choices are being made right now and my mom just wants to keep some things to us right now while we save up for it, but his mom wants to be included in everything. They both are really touchy to the point where you say the wrong thing and it'll hurt their feelings.  How can I make everyone happy????? Any suggestions?
    Posted by Klembcke[/QUOTE]


    You should be frustrated with your MOTHER, she is the one who told fmil what you talked about. 

    Your fmil felt bad having to hear wedding ideas from your mother and not from you or her son, I can understand that.

    You can make everyone happy by telling your mother to not tell fmil what the two of you talk about.
  • Rebis58Rebis58 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My FMIL has only sons, so I have made an effort to keep her involved in a lot of ways. She came dress shopping and is also making the flower girl's dresses and my veil. I don't think you have to involve your FMIL to this extent by any means, but luckily I have a wonderful FMIL and my mom does not feel threatened or uncomfortable in the least with her being very involved. Plus, even though my parents are paying for the wedding and my FILs are not contributing financially, my parents live far away while FMIL lives in the city where the wedding will be held, so it's nice to have the extra help. If I were you and I knew my FMIL was feeling left out, I would at least do as PPs suggested and send her the occasional email with inspiration ideas, or maybe even ask for her input, and go for the occasional coffee date to show her pictures or update her on what's been done.
    By the way, if your FMIL is difficult, judgemental, etc. then I do not think you are in any way obligated to do this, I'm basing my advice on my own relationship with my FMIL. A friend of mine has a ridiculous MIL, and in her case I would agree with PP's advice about FI dealing with his own mother.
    Photobucket Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    It sounds to me that your FMIL is excited and just wants to be kept in the loop. She wants to know what your plans are and probably wants to be involved. I don't think that is completely unfair of her-- it is her child's wedding, too. What I did to involve my MIL was to write her letters explaining where we were at. I told her things we were thinking about and just kept her in the loop on decisions. I wanted to show her that I valued her and wanted to include her because she was to be part of my family. 
    Photobucket
  • jmconley08jmconley08 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am having a similar issue. You can't make everyone happy so please don't feel like you have to. I am very independent and like to plan things myself and that's what I've been doing for most of the wedding, FI just goes with whatever. My mom is fine with it but FI's mom was feeling very left out I guess.

    We had been telling her about stuff but she was giving negative feedback about everything!! Finally we had a concersation and she apoligized and it's fine but I still will plan by myself. I want it done my way (even if that sounds rude or whatever).

    If you want to include FMIL more though you could send her emails about options and just ask her opinion.. just be prepared if you don't like it. Or just tell FI to take care of it. Mine is working on that still. good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    Tell your FI to tell his mother she will be more involved with what she pays for. It's that simple. Speaking from experience, when planning your wedding, the only person who is really involved other than you, is the person paying. Why you have to run "little details" by someone else that is not contributing is beyond me.  It doesn't matter what their opinion is, it is your decision what you want and what whoever is paying for. If she wants to know about things, then she needs to ask you. If she wants to pay for something or do something, then she needs to present to you what it is she wants to be involved in, or PAY for.  Or you need to ask her what she wants to know or be involved in. Tell her to "ask away" and tell her all she wants to know. As far as arranging things goes, the person with the wallet or you (if they have given you the money or if you are paying) will be the person doing that.

    I kind of had the same issue, and I get that moms want to be involved with the planning of their son's wedding, but bottom line is, if you aren't taking the initiative with what you want to do, and aren't fronting the cash, then you gotta sit back and let it happen. You can't be involved in any decision making if you don't pay.  What if you say you want purple flowers and she says "No, I hate purple flowers" "Well tough $hit! I got a checkbook that says we are having them."

    If she doesn't put up any loot, then ask her what she would like to help with, in the means of putting stuff together (invitations, favors, decorations etc.) Then she is included in some way.
    Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards