FMIL Help!!!

shana1422

I just recently found out that my FI's parents will not be contributing ANY money towards the wedding and I am SO shocked.  A few years ago my FI's sister got married, and their parents paid for everything (which was an excess of $50K). The grooms side did not put any money in.  And I remember my FMIL going off for hours about how rude she thought it was.  Hypocrite?  When I first found out that they werent putting anything in I was surprised, but then thought maybe they are just traditional and will only pay for the honeymoon and rehearsal dinner.  Then when I found out they werent paying for the honeymoon I flipped out.  My parents are paying for EVERYTHING, including my FI's entire side of the family to attend and I refuse to ask them to pay for our honeymoon.  And I am not going to take out a credit card in order to pay for it ourselves.  My FI wants to talk to her about it but is not sure how to approach it...??

SeaTea02

Why do you think you are entitled to their money? If you can't afford a honeymoon then you don't get to take one. 

And IMO, if you can't pay for a honeymoon AND aren't even paying for a wedding you might not be financially fit to get married. 

Asking them to pay for a honeymoon would be completely rude. They don't have to give you anything, and if you can't understand that, I will say it again, you might not be ready for marriage. 

Yeesh. 

lindseyann410

They don't have to give you anything. And you are right not to ask them to pay for the honeymoon.  

You are also right that you should't go into debt for a wedding.  But that doesn't mean having your parents pay for it (although it's extremely generous if your parents did offer to pay).  It means have the wedding you can afford.  

On the other hand, how do you know they don't plan on giving you anything?  They might just be waiting or giving you money as a wedding gift.  

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8681644b-5ce9-4b0e-a776-bf572fc091c1Post:9d355175-ada1-459e-b5a0-5c9a35fdf001">FMIL Help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I just recently found out that my FI's parents will not be contributing ANY money towards the wedding and I am SO shocked.  A few years ago my FI's sister got married, and their parents paid for everything (which was an excess of $50K). The grooms side did not put any money in.  And I remember my FMIL going off for hours about how rude she thought it was.  Hypocrite?  When I first found out that they werent putting anything in I was surprised, but then thought maybe they are just traditional and will only pay for the honeymoon and rehearsal dinner.  Then when I found out they werent paying for the honeymoon I flipped out.  My parents are paying for EVERYTHING, including my FI's entire side of the family to attend and I refuse to ask them to pay for our honeymoon.  And I am not going to take out a credit card in order to pay for it ourselves.  My FI wants to talk to her about it but is not sure how to approach it...??
Posted by shana1422[/QUOTE]

Where did you get the idea that the groom's parents are supposed to pay for the
honeymoon? Or anything else, for that matter? Your parents are not obligated either. So you definitely shouldn't be trying to hit them up for more than they have given you, already.

Do you have money of your own? What do you use that for? I'd suggest you pay for your own honeymoon and rehearsal dinner. It's the least you could do.

shana1422

SeaTea: You are right, we cant afford a honeymoon and will not get to take one if we have to pay for it.  Unfortunately we are part of the few people in Orange County CA that pay our mortgage, contribute to our 401k's and IRA's, and have no car payments because we paid CASH for our 2 SUV's.  We are more of the long term planners, not so much the type of people that spend thousands of dollars for one party.;) My FI is hurt that his parents would give over $50K to his sister and not one dime to him.  And not that its relevant to this subject, but we wanted to elope to Hawaii but my parents wanted to have all of our family attend.  So since they offered to pay then thats what we decided. 

shana1422

Mairepoppy: I got the idea from every etiquette book in the bookstore.

MairePoppy

Well, I like Miss Manner's answer:

       Gentle Reader,

Where did you get the idea that it was ever the bridegroom's "side" that pays for the honeymoon? It was always the bridegroom. The idea is that he is a solvent adult (or he wouldn't be getting married), and that when he takes his new wife on a trip, he naturally pays the expenses.

We all know that the situation on which this was based --and by which the bride's family met all the wedding expenses -- has changed. It presumed that the bride is a perpetual dependent, who is merely moving from the full financial support of her father to that of her husband.

The honeymoon has changed, too, in that it is unlikely to be the couple's first chance to room together. No doubt that is what is behind your prospective in-laws' bizarre offer to accompany you.

But of course, you should start out married life independently. Independently -- do you understand? So thank them prettily and say you'd love to vacation with them another time.

 

 

 

Allycat11

I see the frustration with FI's parents putting money into his sister's wedding but not yours, however you are not entitled to anything at all, so quit whining about it.

I will admit I am more spoiled than most on these boards, my parents are paying for our wedding.  FI's parents are paying for our cake and rehearsal dinner.  We are paying for our honeymoon and haven't even dreamed of asking for help with that. 

Queen Jane

If you wouldn't personally pay thousands of dollars "for one party", what on earth makes you think that either of your parents should have to? No one owes you money for your wedding. Take the money you would have spent on your elopement trip and fund your own honeymoon. Problem solved.

hellerc1

Just don't have a honeymoon, take one later when you can afford to do so on your own. You said your long term planners so plan and save for it maybe for your 1st anniversary. Lots of people wait to take a honeymoon later. We would never dream to ask someone else to pay for our wedding let alone a honeymoon, I would advise to tell your FI not to speak to his parents and just get over it.

mrsjustinm2b

OP has said that what she wanted to do was to elope, I would seriously consider going back to that plan if it will make you happier, because yes, it is thousands of dollars for a PARTY. If the parents are the ones pushing for some huge affair where they have to invite every person related to them then yes, if they want that then absolutly you have a right to ask them to pay up or tell them it wont be happening the way that they want. We had this happen and I had to sit the parents down and told them this is what I want, and this is what you want. MY wants will not break the bank but yours will so if you have to have a family reunion then you can pay for it. The bonus is no pay = no say so you guys have every right to say no if they try to make demands.

nikkir4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8681644b-5ce9-4b0e-a776-bf572fc091c1Post:a8f154b7-5a2a-489f-af4c-e2767c1bc19b">Re: FMIL Help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]SeaTea: You are right, we cant afford a honeymoon and will not get to take one if we have to pay for it.  Unfortunately we are part of the few people in Orange County CA that pay our mortgage, contribute to our 401k's and IRA's, and have no car payments because we paid CASH for our 2 SUV's.  We are more of the long term planners, not so much the type of people that spend thousands of dollars for one party.;) My FI is hurt that his parents would give over $50K to his sister and not one dime to him.  And not that its relevant to this subject, but we wanted to elope to Hawaii but my parents wanted to have all of our family attend.  So since they offered to pay then thats what we decided. 
Posted by shana1422[/QUOTE]

So your NOT the type to spend thousands of dollars on yourself but you EXPECT his parents to spend thousands of dollars on you.

Congratulations you pay your bills -- why the F does that make a difference in whether or not you should contribute towards your wedding? Like we don't pay our bills? ALOT of people on here pay their own bills & pay for their weddings on their own.

Zippy88k

My fiance and I are very realistic about the fact that we can't have a honeymoon. We aren't sure when we'll get to go away together, but I would feel very strange accepting money from his parents for a honeymoon. You are way overreacting to this. 

em01092

Yeah, that is kind of sucky that they gave so much to his sis and none to him, but it's their money and how they spend it is up to them. You are not entitled to it and there is nothing either of you can say or do about it.

 Did it occur to you that maybe they are wiped the fuuck out from that wedding? "A few years ago" may not be enough time for them to fork out another 50K.

 If they do in fact have the money, they might be traditional and expect your family to pay since that's what they did for their daughter's wedding (despite what she said about the groom's family). 

GoodLuckBear14

BRIDE & GROOM'S wedding = BRIDE & GROOM'S responsibility to pay.

Period.

That's it.

Seriously.

Muffin'sMom

I was going to respond, but can't come up with a way to do so without causing offense.  I will just say that the ladies above are correct.  Pay your own way.  And as Trix would say...Good luck with your wedding planning!

ADTonk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8681644b-5ce9-4b0e-a776-bf572fc091c1Post:9d355175-ada1-459e-b5a0-5c9a35fdf001">FMIL Help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I just recently found out that my FI's parents will not be contributing ANY money towards the wedding</strong> and I am SO shocked.  A few years ago my FI's sister got married, and their parents paid for everything (which was an excess of $50K). The grooms side did not put any money in.  And I remember my FMIL going off for hours about how rude she thought it was.  Hypocrite?  When I first found out that they werent putting anything in I was surprised, but then thought maybe they are just traditional and will only pay for the honeymoon and rehearsal dinner.  Then when I found out they werent paying for the honeymoon I flipped out.  <strong>My parents are paying for EVERYTHING</strong>, including my FI's entire side of the family to attend and I refuse to ask them to pay for our honeymoon.  And I am not going to take out a credit card in order to pay for it ourselves.  My FI wants to talk to her about it but is not sure how to approach it...??
Posted by shana1422[/QUOTE]

You are not entitled to anyone else's money except your own. 

Be grateful that your parents are contributing. 

If you want a RD and a HM, now you know you need to start saving up and pay for it yourselves. 

regfalange

I could have told you everyone was going to respond to you this way.  When I started reading all I could think was "here we go". I was burned on here before.

But, I feel your pain.  My FFIL is paying for the rehearsal and photographer, although the photographer is our gift.  And the man is wealthy, and this is his only child.  My parents are paying for everything else.  I did not ask them to, they offered and I thought that was great.  We are using my parent's timeshare for our honeymoon and my mother can contribute 500 flying points or whatever and we are paying for the rest. 
The point is, it is totally hypocritical for your FMIL to have said that about her in daughter's in laws and then do the same.  BUT, no, you aren't entitled and they are not obligated, WHICH is NOT something you said, nor did I on the day I was burned.  However once you say anything about in laws or anyone giving you money on here and being disappointed that said in laws or whoever isn't contirbuting any more you get jumped on, so its not worth it.  You Aren't going to find actual advice on this topic on here, you are just going to be thought of as selfish as I was.  Talk to your friends about this, because no one on here is your friend or would act like it when you post stuff like this.

It sucks.  But you can't make anyone spend their money on anything so you just have to make it work and grind your teeth, clench your fists, nod and smile.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you!

Maggie0829

Did you ever consider that your FI parents are of the traditional mind-frame that the bride's parents pay for the wedding?  They paid for their daughters wedding so they probably figured your parents would pay for your wedding.

Also your FMIL probably wasn't being a hypocrite she was probably just pissed at herself for spending such a large chunck of money on a wedding.  They probably went over budget and instead of sucking it up she just blamed others for not donating.

It is an honor to have someone pay for your wedding.  Trust me, if my parents weren't paying then my FI and I would be eloping.  Do what you can afford.

Unlike what PP said, you can get constructive criticisim/advice on these boards.  Yes there will be some who will bash you and call you selfish but others will give you good advice.  You have to think about how your post comes off and in my opinion it comes off as selfish and like you are throwing a hissy-fit.  A lot of brides on here are paying for their own weddings so asking for suggestions on how to throw an amazing wedding on a tight budget would have been a better idea.

Good luck and no matter what happens remember that you will be marrying the love of your life and in the end that is all that matters.

vicki0508

The thought of either of our parents paying for our honeymoon grosses me out.

ADTonk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8681644b-5ce9-4b0e-a776-bf572fc091c1Post:841f4bc6-d71e-4728-83a3-de412dbd0f36">Re: FMIL Help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I could have told you everyone was going to respond to you this way.  When I started reading all I could think was "here we go". I was burned on here before. But, I feel your pain.  My FFIL is paying for the rehearsal and photographer, although the photographer is our gift.  And the man is wealthy, and this is his only child.  My parents are paying for everything else.  I did not ask them to, they offered and I thought that was great.  We are using my parent's timeshare for our honeymoon and my mother can contribute 500 flying points or whatever and we are paying for the rest.  The point is, it is totally hypocritical for your FMIL to have said that about her in daughter's in laws and then do the same.  BUT, no, you aren't entitled and they are not obligated, WHICH is NOT something you said, nor did I on the day I was burned. <strong> However once you say anything about in laws or anyone giving you money on here and being disappointed that said in laws or whoever isn't contirbuting any more you get jumped on, so its not worth it.  You Aren't going to find actual advice on this topic on here, you are just going to be thought of as selfish as I was. </strong> Talk to your friends about this, because no one on here is your friend or would act like it when you post stuff like this. It sucks.  But you can't make anyone spend their money on anything so you just have to make it work and grind your teeth, clench your fists, nod and smile. Good luck, I hope it works out for you!
Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]

I beg to differ. 

Everyone on here will tell you the truth.  People assume that parents are supposed to pay for the wedding when that is becoming less common these days.  The reasons that parents typically pay for a wedding no longer apply in our society today.

Is it hypocritical for OP's FMIL to say one thing and do another? Yes.  Is it reasonable for OP to be dissappointed or upset that her FIL's are not giving her money for HER party? No. 

BTW, it is selfish to expect that someone give you money for your wedding.  It is extremely selfish to expect someone to spend their money on you. 

shana1422

THANK YOU THANK YOU=))

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8681644b-5ce9-4b0e-a776-bf572fc091c1Post:a8f154b7-5a2a-489f-af4c-e2767c1bc19b">Re: FMIL Help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]SeaTea: You are right, we cant afford a honeymoon and will not get to take one if we have to pay for it.  Unfortunately we are part of the few people in Orange County CA that pay our mortgage, contribute to our 401k's and IRA's, and have no car payments because we paid CASH for our 2 SUV's.  We are more of the long term planners, not so much the type of people that spend thousands of dollars for one party.;) My FI is hurt that his parents would give over $50K to his sister and not one dime to him.  And not that its relevant to this subject, but we wanted to elope to Hawaii but my parents wanted to have all of our family attend.  So since they offered to pay then thats what we decided. 
Posted by shana1422[/QUOTE]

This just beyond confuses me - why exactly do you think you're special for paying your mortgage and contributing to retirement accounts?  Most of the brides on here *shock* pay their bills.  and yet many of us are *shock again* paying for weddings AND honeymoons!!

your FILs don't owe you anything.  and I've never heard of ANYONE but the couple paying for the honeymoon, unless it's like a surprise gift.  be appreciative of the money your parents have offered and re-evaluate your current spending habits.  If you have no monthly expenses beyond basic living (seeing as how you've pointed out you don't even have car payments), and yet you're not putting aside a little cash each month that you'd be able* to afford a honeymoon, I'm thinking your debt/inclome ratio is seriously skewed.

Note: able to afford a honeymoon and WANTING to blow a few grand on a trip are two different things.  But you certainly shouldn't expect someone ELSE to want to blow that dough on a vacay if you're not even willing to do it yourself!

steffenfam

I have two daughters - one married and one engaged.  We offered $10k to each to plan their weddings.  If they wanted a more extravagant wedding, they were/are welcome to add to that amount on their own.

The married daughter, the in-laws contributed only to the photographer that they (the in-laws) insisted upon, and it was their gift to the couple.  There was no monetary offer for the wedding outside of that.  This daughter got married in July 2009 and they are on their honeymoon right now, because that's how long it took for them to save for it.

The engaged daughter, there has been no monetary offering from the groom's side.  The couple has already started saving for their honeymoon.

Maybe you need to change your perspective:  If you expect everything and don't get it, you will be extremely disappointed.  However, if you don't expect anything, you won't get your feelings hurt.  And if someone does give you something, you will be pleasantly surprised and hopefully extremely grateful!

regfalange

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-12?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8681644b-5ce9-4b0e-a776-bf572fc091c1Post:e1f2f89e-ac65-478c-9050-026260db18dc">Re: FMIL Help!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL Help!!! : I beg to differ.  Everyone on here will tell you the truth.  People assume that parents are supposed to pay for the wedding when that is becoming less common these days.  <strong>The reasons that parents typically pay for a wedding no longer apply in our society today.</strong> Is it hypocritical for OP's FMIL to say one thing and do another? Yes.  <strong>Is it reasonable for OP to be dissappointed or upset that her FIL's are not giving her money for HER party? No.</strong>  BTW, it is selfish to expect that someone give you money for your wedding.  It is extremely selfish to expect someone to spend their money on you. 
Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

Well, I beg to differ.  In your first statement what you are saying completely depends on where the person might be from or how they are raised.  Some parents are old fashioned and they are the ones saying the parents should pay. Of course we aren't talking betrothals and dowries,  but in my case my mother is going off the way she was raised and married in 1972, when her father paid and it was more about the parents giving away their daughter than it was about their daughter starting her new life with her husband. They fully believe that parents should pay or at least contribute. Hey I'm not saying I am saying that, before you start going off.  I think if someone has the money they should want to help their kids, but clearly they don't have to.

Second, you can't tell someone that they way they feel is wrong.  Feelings are feelings and you can't tell someone how to feel.  Just because someone is disappointed about this doesn't mean she is going to throw a temper tantrum or say anything about it to anyone involved.  Least of all the people she is disappointed in.  If she does, then yes, it's unreasonable.  My point is everyone has feelings and no one can tell you feeling a certain way is wrong, especially a stranger on the internet that you've never met.  YOU say that you think the OP is being selfish, no one is going to tell you that it is wrong for you to feel that way.  I may think what you are saying is wrong, but no one can ever be wrong to feel a certain way.  Feelings are visceral, and cannot be helped.

vicki0508

reg - I do actually agree with you that OP has a right to feel however she is feeling.  If she's disappointed that FILs aren't paying, that's fine, she can be disappointed.

I just don't think she should approach FILs about it, or try to get her parents to make up for it or something.  She needs to get over it, and start saving for the honeymoon and RD.  She isn't entitled to anyone else's money, and that's how she's acting.  Entitled.

Kniblet

PLENTY of brides on the Knot don't go on a HM right after the wedding due to not being able to afford it at the time.  There is nothing wrong with that.

More and more brides and grooms are paying for their own weddings now.  And I don't think I ever saw a book on Etiquette that said the grooms family paid for the HM.  In some cases, they might, MIGHT, pay for the RD the night before the wedding... but not the HM.

In the circles my family runs in, the brides family usually pays for the wedding.  And then the grooms family pays for the RD.  But I have never known of EITHER side to pay for the couples HM.

When planning a wedding, it's best to have the wedding that you can afford, on your own, without help. 

discordiasa

So, I still dont get why your upset?

You DID say your parents are paying for everything. Just be thankful that they are doing that. Obviously your parents feel comfortable enough with their money situation to shell out money for the entire wedding.
Just be thankful.

And as far as I know, the bride and groom pay for the honeymoon. Not the families...

Davesgrl2011

Ive never heard of anyone else paying for the honeymoon.  All those "what is traditional" books should be taken off the shelves and recycled.