Moms and Maids

I need to vent! I hope you don't mind! (long)

Hi all,
I am mostly a lurker, I have posted a couple of times here and there. I am the MOH in my sister's upcoming wedding. Only a couple months to go now! Well, this whole process has been TORTURE for me! And not really because of my sis but because of her future in laws.

To give you some background:
Groom in the middle child of 5 kids. 4 boys and the youngest is a girl. His two older brothers have always had problems with their mother (didn't speak for years because of fights). So groom was the oldest child in the house for the last 10 years. He's used to his mother and pretty much gives her whatever she wants, but what she wants is soooo unreasonable! When we were in high school, a group of us would hang out and she's call him 20 min after we left to say he needed to come home to do this or that. She also thinks that she is allowed to talk to people however she wants. I'll save the rest of my examples for the wedding related stuff!

So my very sweet sister decided, before they were even engaged, that she wanted to include the mother (the older two brothers didn't include her at all) and she wanted to ask the younger sister (14years old) to be a bridesmaid. The groomsmen are the groom's 3 brothers.

So, some things the mom has insisted be a certain way:
~The colors, she didn't like their choices and broke them down to change it
~The time of the ceremony. They wanted to start at 5, she wanted it at 6.
~Length of bridesmaid dresses. Bride originally said short, the said that is HAD to be long, now they are long.
~The whole process of getting the bridesmaid dress. They would not go for the little sis. Then they went and everything was good. Then they waited at least 3 weeks before they ordered the dress and tried to talk my sister into letting the 15 year old wear a different dress form a cheaper place, even though they never said anything about price being an issue before.
~The MIL insisted the grooms 2 neices be in the wedding

These are just a handful of examples. Each one on their own seems like no biggie. So every time my sis says, "Well, it's not that big of a deal, I might as well keep the peace and not piss of FMIL" Because if she did piss FMIL off, the woman would give her the silent treatment, talk about her to the other family members, and basically just do anything she can to make my sister's life hell. Oh, and BTW she's not contributing a dime! My parents and the couple are paying for all of it!

Well, as of today, I have had it! I am so upset about this last one! Okay, My sister says today that she regrets so much about her wedding and that she hasn't stood up for more and she's worried that she's going to look back and feel bad about things. When my mother asked for an example she said,  "I would have insisted A, B and C be in the WP and not just let them tell me it had to be siblings only." (2 girls and 1 guy) So my mom and I say, why not ask them now? We know these people and they'd be so honored and WANT to be there for the wedding and for my sister and her fiance. She gets super excited and says, "You're right, why do they have any say in this? The day of will be so much better with A, B, and C there!" She then texted the ladies to see if they could meet her in person and she planed to ask them face to face to be in the WP because they mean so much to her and that's what she really wants. I was thrilled! I knew they would help make it a great day and not let this stupid FMIL and FSIL do anything to ruin the day.

Well, then she goes to talk to fiance and he gets mad (wtf right?!) She knew she wanted to talk to him first because it is THEIR wedding party and it would be rude not to tell him. So he says he doesn't understand why they have to change things. But, it was ok when it was his rude mother who wanted to change the color?! And then he says his mom won't like it and he wouldn't talk to her more about it and now my sister is saying she's just going to drop it to keep the peace. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!?!

I'm so mad and I don't even know where to start! First of all, I am sad that my sister won't stand up for herself on something so important! I understand why she let those other things go. It didn't really make a difference to her on these things so why should she fight with people about it. Ok, but we're talking about the WP why in the world would the FMIL have ANY say in that?!?
second, I'm really starting to dislike my future brother in law! He can't stand by my sister on this ONE issue and say, "if that makes you happy we will figure it out, my mom doesn't have any say in it!" I mean, come one! you're getting married! cut the damn cord already!! And lastly, that awful woman! She has controlled things so much that she is making me miserable and treating my sister like crap! I HATE HER!!

*sigh* I'm feeling a little better, so thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I'm just so upset. I really want to just cry! I want her wedding day to be perfect and I can't control these people and the crap they are pulling! And I also feel like, if groom won't stand by her, or try to understand her point on this, and he just picks his mother's side, why is she marrying him?!? I like the guy and all, but this isn't just a little dispute over who they want in the WP, this is a BIG deal! Right?! (You can tell me if I'm overreacting about this)

I'm so sorry this is so long. I just can't get over it. Seriously, this woman makes the movie "Monster in Law" look like a cake walk! This stuff I described is only the tip of the ice burg! And I can't do ANYTHING!

Thanks again for letting me vent. I think I need to just take a step back and remove myself from some of the wedding planning. It's all just going to be the way FMIL wants it anyway!

:(

Re: I need to vent! I hope you don't mind! (long)

  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry - not because this is happening to you but because you have to stand by and watch your sister get walked all over.

    She does realize that this won't end with the wedding, right?  Her own fiance won't back her up on the wedding party; what will he back her up on?  Certainly not issues with the kids because he'll think his mother knows best.

    I don't know how to handle this.  It's delicate and really hinges on how close you are with your sister, but her future mother in law and her son are trouble.  Your sister is going to have a long road ahead of her.  I tell you this now to prepare you - there will be more of this to come. 

    Part of me would want to open her eyes to these issues now and part of me knows she'll never see it for what it is until it's too late.  Your sister needs to grow a backbone and that may not happen until she is pushed too far and there's no knowing when that will be.  When it does happen, though, I'm fearful she won't have a husband behind her.
  • gailpetegailpete member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Joy.  This is trouble, your sister should run fast and far NOW, before she marries this guy and his mother.  Yes she will be marrying his mother because it sounds like whatever his mom wants he will do, whether his wife likes it or not.  I can see Mommy choosing where they will live, how it will  be decorated, how many kids they will have and what they will be named.  Is your sister ready for that and willing to accept it?

    I hope you can find a way to help her see what is in her future so she can decide what SHE wants to do.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you both for your responses!! I just looked back at what I wrote and it was long! lol!! It was late at night and I was upset and kept going on and on! haha!

    I agree with both of you! I think that's part of my problem! I do have an update though.

    My sister woke up this morning and basically said, "This is not the way I want to be treated!" told her fiance that she was going to invite the two girls to be on her side. She thinks he should invite their guy friend (who also happens to be my bf of 6 years, so a little awkward for me but we don't really care if he's in it or not, so whatever) but if he doesn't that's fine and basically that's how it was going to be and if this was going to become a problem then they had bigger issues!! THANK GOD!!

    I still think her FMIL is a pain and I think her fiance will always side with her. However, it's nice to see my sister stand up for herself! It will be an upward battle but hopefully this is the beginning of them realizing they can't just walk all over her!

    She already asked the girls and they were thrilled and everything is good! We're going to get their dresses tmro!

    Thanks again for responding! I feel so much better knowing that other people agree with me! haha! I thought maybe I was over reacting! I hope it gets better for her, I'm not convinced it will but I'm glad she's not just taking it lying down! lol!
  • gailpetegailpete member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Glad to hear she is starting to stand up for herself!  I hope it continues and improves.  Good luck to both of you.
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-vent-hope-dont-mind-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:87c340e4-9b71-4630-ac35-e430219a7a85Post:5ae17954-7f14-4eff-8819-4d337c146f39">Re: I need to vent! I hope you don't mind! (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you both for your responses!! I just looked back at what I wrote and it was long! lol!! It was late at night and I was upset and kept going on and on! haha! I agree with both of you! I think that's part of my problem! I do have an update though. My sister woke up this morning and basically said, "This is not the way I want to be treated!" told her fiance that she was going to invite the two girls to be on her side. She thinks he should invite their guy friend (who also happens to be my bf of 6 years, so a little awkward for me but we don't really care if he's in it or not, so whatever) but if he doesn't that's fine and basically that's how it was going to be and if this was going to become a problem then they had bigger issues!! THANK GOD!!<strong> I still think her FMIL is a pain and I think her fiance will always side with her.</strong> However, it's nice to see my sister stand up for herself! It will be an upward battle but hopefully this is the beginning of them realizing they can't just walk all over her! She already asked the girls and they were thrilled and everything is good! We're going to get their dresses tmro! Thanks again for responding! I feel so much better knowing that other people agree with me! haha! I thought maybe I was over reacting! I hope it gets better for her, I'm not convinced it will but I'm glad she's not just taking it lying down! lol!
    Posted by artsmom1120[/QUOTE]

    Just remember, the real problem for your sister is her momma's boy FI, not the FMIL.
  • edited December 2011
    the best advice you could give your sister is run forest run and then take her and run away LOL
  • edited December 2011
    Yes, I am SO with all of you! This is waaaaay more than just a terrible monster in law!! I have lots of frustration and anger with my sister's FI and my sister about all of this!!

    I don't really like her FI. I certainly don't hate him, but I'm not jumping up and down that she's marrying him either!!

    And, I appreciate you advice very much, but, I am not "going to tell her" to do anything or what she should do, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE to! lol. But I know my sister, I know she is marrying this guy in 8 weeks, I know that NOTHING will change her mind at this point. I also know that she knows I'm not happy with the FI and I don't always like to be around him. I feel like if I were to say to her that she needs to seriously evaluate this relationship, she would just take it out on me. She would say I was trying to convince her not to marry him and that I'm just jealous. I'd rather keep my mouth shut, try to stay out of everything, and still have a good relationship with my sister. And if her FI causes us to not be close (which I think he will unintentionally do), then at the end of the day I can know it's because of THEM and not me! does that make sense?

    I have also stopped being involved with wedding things because that always leads to me being frustrated with them. I'm trying! lol!
    Although, if I thought she wouldn't take it all out on me, I'd tell her to run and never look back!! lol!
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