Moms and Maids

Mother of the Groom

Our son got engaged to a wonderful lady a few weeks ago.  Our future daughter in law is a sweetheart and is including me in the plans, which makes me very happy!  My problem is that there is not a lot of information for the mother of the groom out there....all the info I find is for the bride / mother of the bride (it's almost as if all wedding sites / planners / etc forget that the groom HAS a mom!).  What's up with that?  We want to be involved too!  Several years ago my brother was planning his wedding and mom was shopping for a dress.  The saleswoman told mom that the groom's mom's job was to wear beige, stand in the corner and keep her mouth shut....!  Really? 

Re: Mother of the Groom

  • edited December 2011
    Take all the books/websites/magazines that talk about who-does-what about weddings and throw them out the window.  They are nonsense.

    It is great that your future daughter-in-law is involving you in the wedding planning.  Just go with that and have fun!
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  • edited December 2011
    There are no hard and fast roles and responsibilities anymore; the magazines and online guidelines are full of crap. 

    You should be as involved as your son and FDIL want you to be.  My mom and stepmom are in Massachusetts, and I'm in Maryland.  My FMIL is here in MD with me, and has been fairly involved.

    She went with me to my first dress fitting, and met with the florist with me.  She and FFIL are hosting the RD, and we went with them to look at different places to have it.  She also addressed our invitations for us.

    If you'd like to be more involved than they are offering for you to be, by all means ask what you can do to help them out.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="">Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]  The saleswoman told mom that the groom's mom's job was to wear beige, stand in the corner and keep her mouth shut....!  Really? 
    Posted by Ljsysel[/QUOTE]

    How rude! That's why so many smart brides ignore those wedding guides and vendors, these days. Those rules stem from the days when the brides parent's hosted and paid for the whole wedding and everyone deferred to them.

    Enjoy your wonderful relationship with your fdil. Let her know you are interested in helping out, all she has to do is ask.

    As for wearing beige, forget about that. Find a dress that you love and enjoy the celebration. Best wishes : )
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've been the MOG.  FWIW:  I wore seafoam green.  =)

    I suggested the venue and after they booked it, went back  with our son and DIL for a visit, and I went to the florist.  They asked our advice about favors, invitations, music, and BM dresses.

    Here's the way we operated, and it worked quite well:  If we were asked for our advice, we gave it.  If we weren't specifically asked, we kept our mouths shut.  We followed the same MO when our DD and SIL were married, and we had no drama at all during any of the planning or on wedding day.

    Congrats to you!  You're going to love being the "mom of the.....", and I'm so happy to hear that you love your DIL.  Our DIL and I have a terrific relationship.  Despite the jokes by comedians, the relationship doesn't have to be awful!

    Best wishes to you and your family.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    I'm keeping my FMIL as involved as she wants to be. I asked her opinion on BM dresses, invited her to my first dress fitting, and she has given me lots of ideas on centerpieces, my hair accessories, etc. and it's been really fun! I enjoy talking to her about my wedding! So have fun with the planning and enjoy it! I agree with Trix, the relationship between you and your FDIL can be great! I adore my FMIL, and reading some of the bride/MIL drama on these boards, it makes me feel very lucky that we have such a good relationship!
    "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." - Albert Einstein
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the comments!  It sounds like your FMIL is nice and helpful, which is great.  I will happily be as involved as my son and his future wife want / need me to be.  She's a great girl and we're thrilled that she's going to be part of our family.
  • edited December 2011
    You and many others that replied here are so right about the old rules not holding up any more.  I don't wear beige, and I plan to enjoy every moment of our only son's wedding day!
  • edited December 2011
    It's great to hear from a MOG.  Hubby and I have already planned to do what you did...our son and FDIL are smart young people and they have made a point to keep both sets of parents involved.  My hubby and mom have always got along very well, so I know that the whole MIL horror story doesn't have to be true. Congrats to your family as well!  It sounds like both your kids found lovely spouses!
  • edited December 2011
    First of all Congrats to you on your upcoming wedding!  It's great that you and your FMIL get along so well....don't listen to the horror stories (everyone has one about MIL's and about pregnancy...for some reason some people enjoy using their misery to try and make others fearful or miserable).  Your relationship witn your FMIL is a treasure - just as mine with my FDIL.  I count myself as being very lucky too!
  • edited December 2011
    My sister's husbands had all brothers, so his mom never really got to plan a wedding!  Everyone got along really well so it was easy to let everyone get involved.

    What we did is we got together as a big group and divied up jobs.  My sisters MIL said she would pay for the DJ, so she was in the choosing of the DJ and music.  My mom and my sisters MIL paid for the flowers, so my mom helped my sister pick flowers for the reception and bouquets, and my sisters MIL helped my sister pick out the flowers for the ceremony.  My mom went with my sister to pick out her dress, and my sisters MIL made her veil and bought her a piece of jewelry.  My mom and my sisters MIL helped together with the seating chart. 

    There was a lot more, but see how many ways you can be involved?  And don't believe that you should wear beige and keep your mouth shut.  Call your daughter-in-laws mom and ask her what her thoughts are with attire, and maybe you can even go together to pick out your outfits!  And ask what you can do to help! 

    Good luck!
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  • GeauxTigers17GeauxTigers17 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You sound really sweet! The books are all based on antiquated etiquette where the bride's parents pay for everything but the RD, if you ask me. I actually wish my FMIL wanted to be more involved - I have tried to ask her opinion on things and she doesn't seem to want to weigh in. She is lovely, and I like her a lot, but we've only met in person once, so my guess is that we are both doing an awkward dance trying to avoid offending the other, haha. It's a shame she lives so far away. 

    I think you should just tell her that you are happy to help with <insert things you want to be involved in> and have fun!
  • edited December 2011
    I'm keeping my Future Mother In law invovled in the wedding planning as well.  My Fiance is the first one of her children to get married and I know she's really excited.  I think if you just asked your future daughter in law what she wants you to do that would be great. 

    as for what you are wearing I don't see the big deal about colors for the mothers.  I do understand that only the bride is suppose to wear white.  But other than that I really don't care what my fiance's mom is going to wear.  If she asks me to go shopping with her I will, but she dresses nicely so I know what ever she buys she will look great in! 
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
  • lynxbbgirllynxbbgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As a bride-to-be who has tried to include her FMIL, and in the last week found out that she wants to involved I think it is GREAT that you are part of the planning. The Bride is going to need as much help as possible (although let her ask you when she is ready, always having several people asking can get a bit frustrating). As others have said, don't listen to what others have to say, you are part of your son's special day, and that is what matters!
  • hppymilhppymil member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm a MOG and I think a lot of mothers my age find it difficult to deal with weddings these days when all the 'rules' and etiquette are out the window. I'm still trying to find out what the MOB is going to wear and have no direction on what the FOB will wear. It's made our decisions more difficult, not easier, for the bride to tell us 'wear what you want'. For all I know I will show up in a mini skirt and the MOB will be in a formal length gown. What about the photos? Do young brides not care about how that looks ? 

    My beautiful DIL has included me in a lot of things but the whole affair is just so unconventional that sometimes I don't know what to tell her (about what I think). I don't know if her parents just go along with everything but we've had little to no communication from them about most of the planning despite trying to be friendly and open.  

    As parents, we just want to see them have a happy day. Having etiquette and standards makes it easier for everyone participating to be on the same page. Otherwise the bride & groom have to spell it all out or be annoyed with their parents for asking a lot of questions about what they're doing! Wish me luck deciding on one of the two radically different dresses I bought!!     

    Are there any other mothers out there who feel this way also?? And to the original poster of the comment - the MOG 'wear beige & shut up' - that is an old joke. I think the clerk flubbed the line a little. It sort of made sense in the old days when the brides parents paid for most of the wedding and it was more appropriate for the MOG not to be that involved in the planning but to let the bride share that with her own mother. 
  • PGrantPGrant member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    But what do you do when your FIL's don't have any filter, meaning they will tell anyone (and I mean anyone) all their business, your business, and anything else they know.  I don't just mean about the wedding, I mean about anything.  Also, in my FI's own words, his mother can be a "meddling MIL".  He has 2 sisters who are already married, so she had her chance.  I am my Mom's only child and we are extremely close.  Why would I want to share this last mother/daughter time with anyone, especially knowing what she is like?  After all, she got bent out of shape when she found out that my MOH was giving me a shower to which she and all her daughters and DILs were invited, but she couldn't invite all her friends as well.

    Now, don't take me wrong.  For the most part we get on very well, but she is used to just running over everyone in her path and I don't intend to be one of the people whom she does.
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