Moms and Maids

How to talk to MOG, future sister-in-law about dresses

So last weekend my fiance's sister called and said they were going dress shopping and asked if I wanted to come along. I thought it was so sweet of her and was really looking forward to it.
I could tell his mom was getting stressed that she doesn't have a dress (wedding is in 4 weeks), but she also refused to try anything on. She really wants a blue dress. I have been trying to keep anything and everything blue as far from my wedding as possible (colors: eggplant/plum and charcoal), and I even had a bout with my mom over her more violet/blue-ish dress when she told me it was purple. I've since given that up, but even after telling his sister and mom this they BOTH continued to look for navy dresses.
So after 3 department stores and one formalwear store no one had anything. Then his sister proclaimed that she wanted to go to the juniors section to find a dress because she's shorter. This would be okay...except that she's 35 (with 2 kids), and quite busty. The only 'rules' I had really set for their dresses were that they were at least knee length, preferably longer, not strapless, and not too tight. While this dress would be okay for a tall, skinny, 15 year old at homecoming...I can't even imagine her wearing something like this to my semi-formal wedding in an old gothic church, with the reception at a private club (a business club, not a nightclub!!)! But I don't want to be *that* control-freak bride, so I just don't know how to tell her I'd prefer if she found a new dress. Can I? Should I ask my fiance to talk to her?
As far as his mother goes, I've sent a few dress ideas to his sister hoping she will pass them on because his mother doesn't use computers/internet, and even tried hinting that a pewter colored dress could also look really nice. I'm not sure how to talk to her about her dress, since I know she's already stressed out, but my own mother has offered to call and talk to her about it -- should I let her? (they aren't close, they've only met twice due to living 1500 miles apart)

I'm trying really hard to be chill about it all (not my nature at all), not to make waves, and just encouraging everyone to be comfortable and be themselves. Underlying culture differences between our families have already caused a lot of strife and I just get the feeling that his family is quite disappointed with the entire wedding and possibly me as his bride. But we are paying a lot for the photographer (who is quite talented), the photos will be what we have in the future, and if the color scheme is all off from the wedding and clashing, or someone looks like they're going to party at a night club it will really throw the photos off, and there's nothing a good photographer can do about that!

Thanks for the help!!

Re: How to talk to MOG, future sister-in-law about dresses

  • edited December 2011
    It sounds like everyone involved here is adults and you can't really tell adults what to wear. I think you were out of line to set rules about what they could wear. It doesn't impact you at all what color people wear, so you need to just let this go. It's not going to ruin your pictures if people aren't wearing a certain color scheme. 

    FTR, my favorite colors are blue and purple and if you told me I couldn't wear them to your wedding I would pissed. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    In all honesty, no one will even remember what your FMIL and FSIL are wearing.  They will only be in a few pictures so it will not ruin the overall look of your wedding if they are in a navy/blue color.  They are adults and are allowed to wear what they choose to.  As long as they both don't buy wedding dresses to wear to your wedding then I suggest you just let this whole dress thing go.  It really isn't something that you should get all worked up about.

    Did I mention that my SIL (then FSIL) wore an extremely short green/blue leopard print dress to my wedding?  If she bent over too far you could see her thong.  Did this ruin the overall look of my wedding and clash with the color scheme in my photos?  Absolutely not.  She was in all of 4 pictures.  When I see those pictures I don't get mad, I giggle because it is such a horrible looking dress.  What your FSIL wears will not reflect poorly on you but only on her.

  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_talk-mog-future-sister-law-dresses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:896ab852-f5ba-47b7-8f68-91813274acd6Post:d4da8e0a-5c63-47ae-a7c3-03f4de5f39d9">How to talk to MOG, future sister-in-law about dresses</a>:
    [QUOTE]So last weekend my fiance's sister called and said they were going dress shopping and asked if I wanted to come along. I thought it was so sweet of her and was really looking forward to it. I could tell his mom was getting stressed that she doesn't have a dress (wedding is in 4 weeks), but she also refused to try anything on. She really wants a blue dress. I have been trying to keep anything and everything blue as far from my wedding as possible (colors: eggplant/plum and charcoal), and I even had a bout with my mom over her more violet/blue-ish dress when she told me it was purple. I've since given that up, but even after telling his sister and mom this they BOTH continued to look for navy dresses. So after 3 department stores and one formalwear store no one had anything. Then his sister proclaimed that she wanted to go to the juniors section to find a dress because she's shorter. This would be okay...except that she's 35 (with 2 kids), and quite busty. The only 'rules' I had really set for their dresses were that they were at least knee length, preferably longer, not strapless, and not too tight. While this dress would be okay for a tall, skinny, 15 year old at homecoming...I can't even imagine her wearing something like this to my semi-formal wedding in an old gothic church, with the reception at a private club (a business club, not a nightclub!!)! But I don't want to be *that* control-freak bride, so I just don't know how to tell her I'd prefer if she found a new dress. Can I? Should I ask my fiance to talk to her? As far as his mother goes, I've sent a few dress ideas to his sister hoping she will pass them on because his mother doesn't use computers/internet, and even tried hinting that a pewter colored dress could also look really nice. I'm not sure how to talk to her about her dress, since I know she's already stressed out, but my own mother has offered to call and talk to her about it -- should I let her? (they aren't close, they've only met twice due to living 1500 miles apart) I'm trying really hard to be chill about it all (not my nature at all), not to make waves, and just encouraging everyone to be comfortable and be themselves. Underlying culture differences between our families have already caused a lot of strife and I just get the feeling that his family is quite disappointed with the entire wedding and possibly me as his bride. But we are paying a lot for the photographer (who is quite talented), the photos will be what we have in the future, and<strong> if the color scheme is all off from the wedding and clashing, or someone looks like they're going to party at a night club it will really throw the photos off,</strong> and there's nothing a good photographer can do about that! Thanks for the help!!
    Posted by Linds328[/QUOTE]

    The only thing that will 'throw the photos off' is your perception of them.  If you have the expectation that everything has to be perfect and the same colors, then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.  No wedding goes off without a hitch and honestly, some of the unplanned or uncontrolable things are the most memorable. 

    If you just let go, let them get whatever makes them happy, and have a good time, <em>that's</em> what your photographer will capture.  Let go of things you can't control (and you can't control what they wear, they are adults and, for better or worse, can dress themselves).  If they wear something inappropriate, it will relfect on them, not you.
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  • hoffsehoffse member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Yeah you don't get to dress them, sorry.  If you wanted FSIL to wear the dress of your choice, you should have asked her to be a bridesmaid.
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    What is with the obsession with photographs? 

    You don't get to tell adults how to dress unless they're in your wedding party. 



  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You can't make rules for what your Mom, FMIL and FSIL wear, unless they are actually in your wedding party  (MOH/BMs). You don't think of yourself as a control freak, yet you are trying to dictate the length, neckline and color of their dresses. Let them wear whatever they want. They are adults. Unless your FSIL is breaking the written dress code for your church or club, do not comment on her dress.

    And don't worry about the pictures. There will be few, if any, pictures of the wedding party and both families together. And you get the final say on what goes in your wedding album.
                       
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_talk-mog-future-sister-law-dresses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:896ab852-f5ba-47b7-8f68-91813274acd6Post:fb762278-e14c-4843-a0f5-8fdb751e600c">Re: How to talk to MOG, future sister-in-law about dresses</a>:
    [QUOTE]You can't make rules for what your Mom, FMIL and FSIL wear, unless they are actually in your wedding party  (MOH/BMs). You don't think of yourself as a control freak, yet you are trying to dictate the length, neckline and color of their dresses. Let them wear whatever they want. They are adults. Unless your FSIL is breaking the written dress code for your church or club, do not comment on her dress. And don't worry about the pictures. There will be few, if any, pictures of the wedding party and both families together. And you get the final say on what goes in your wedding album.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto all of this. Great advice. Seriously OP, just stop caring and you will find yourself much more calm. Why stress over something else that in the end really doesn't matter?</div>
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  • AiobheannAiobheann member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Okay, this sucks I know. If it bothers you that much talk it over with your FI. See what he thinks. If you both agree that another color would be blend better (because it sounds like there is going to be lots of pictures-why not they are family) with the overall color scheme have him talk to his mom and sister. If they say no-then they say no. Let it go, adjust your photo list if necessary-but do not let this turn you into one of those brides that micromanages things like dress color. If they were going to wear black, I would say micromanage away (because that's just rude)-but they aren't.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_talk-mog-future-sister-law-dresses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:896ab852-f5ba-47b7-8f68-91813274acd6Post:fb762278-e14c-4843-a0f5-8fdb751e600c">Re: How to talk to MOG, future sister-in-law about dresses</a>:
    [QUOTE]You can't make rules for what your Mom, FMIL and FSIL wear, unless they are actually in your wedding party  (MOH/BMs). You don't think of yourself as a control freak, yet you are trying to dictate the length, neckline and color of their dresses. Let them wear whatever they want. They are adults. Unless your FSIL is breaking the written dress code for your church or club, do not comment on her dress. And don't worry about the pictures. There will be few, if any, pictures of the wedding party and both families together. And you get the final say on what goes in your wedding album.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    This...exactly. 
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  • Linds328Linds328 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the input. I've given up on the color, it really isn't an issue to worry about. You can probably guess I have difficulties being concise. I really think that this was just the 'one too many' issue to really push me over to upset.

    I will try to talk to FSIL, because her dress does violate the dress code for both the church and club. But so much of the rest of their family is not coming in protest to decisions we have made, I don't want to risk her not coming as well -- that would devastate my fiance.
  • edited December 2011
    OP, I totally get where you are coming from, my FSIL wore jeans to a black tie wedding (FI cousin) last summer after being told a number of times about the dress code. I am really worried that she'll wear something ridiculous to our wedding (which is elegant but not black tie.) All of this being said, she is a grown woman and can wear what ever she wants. I have spoken with her a few times and told her my ideas of the wedding and what my sister (her age) is wearing (subliminal messaging? lol) Now all I can do is hope for the best and let it go :) Hope this helps!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Usually, the straw that breaks the camel's back is not the most important issue. You could ask your fi to give his sister a copy of the dress code, so she will be aware of the rules. Then let it go.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    My sister in law once specified a color scheme so thoroughly that she demanded that her own mother change her prescription glasses! EVERYONE had to come in black and white to her son's affair. I was seriously tempted to make a brown corduroy gown! lol! I satisfied myself by sporting a large red bow on the back of my black dress. Petty, I know, but she was a bully in many, many ways, and had been cruel to our family for years. It felt great Wink
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