MIL issues

j0yLYNN

let the b*tching begin..

My husband and I, got married on my 25th birthday in court. BUT that wasn't good enough for my MIL. So, I was told that I NEEDED to get married in church by my MIL or it wasn't a real marriage. (The reason we didn't get married in church was we don't have the money. I also didn't want to have to plan one, all I wanted was to marry him) Our parents agreed to fund the wedding (BAD CHOICE to let them.)

So I'm now planning a wedding which doesn't even feel like mine. She complained about the bridal party.. how his sister and brother are not in it... AND she doesn't mention the fact that MY BROTHER isn't in the bridal party. I'm pretty sure he's family, he's been there for me since I was born ....They are in the wedding, just not in the entourage... they are the " veil & cord " . She also told me that I didn't have a enough sponsors, so she continued to pick out who she feels should be the sponsor..
what else..
oh yeah, she then moved on to my bouquet.. she insisted on changing that too... she picked out different flowers and different colors, that didn't go with the color theme... she also said how the wedding was getting to be to "extravagant" and how it was supposed to be simple.. I really don't think getting a photo booth is way over the top? It's something fun to do and a great favor (in my opinion atleast.)  Single stem calla lillies for the bridesmaids, and a bouquet of white and tiffany blue calla lillies is for me . the usual photographer and videographer limo and dj? Is anything over the top in that list ?

and that isn't all of it... just the ones that happened in the past two days...

oh and my mother, she only complained about the bridemaid dresses, which my MIL didn't see (that would've been a heated argument)..

anyone have any tips how to survive the next couple of months? or how to deal with her need to control everything in my wedding.

nlindsay17

First of all this is not a wedding. You are already married. It is a vow renewal. Your MIL is very rude to act like your marriage is not a real marriage. It doesn't matter where you  exchange your vows that is your wedding.

em01092

Ditto PP. You need to put on your big girl panties and say NO to this. It's not a 4 letter word. Or better yet, where is your husband in all of this? He needs to stand up to his mother. You are married, whether she likes it or not. Having a "do over" wedding is tacky and an insult to JOP brides who are 100% complete with that route. It's all you need.

Now there are tasteful ways to have a convalidation or marriage blessing in a church. However, it should not have most of the "wedding" trimmings, like you should not wear a poofy white dress, attendants should not be matchy matchy (still dressed nicely of course), and your reception should not have a cake cutting, first dance, tosses, etc. 

That said, it doesn't even sound like you want this "celebration." Kindly direct your MIL to these boards. We'll set her straight. 

mbody

Your MIL sounds crazy. Did you and your FI explain to her that your marriage is very real even though it didn't take place in a church setting? Does she think having every little detail the way she wants is going to make it "real?"

I'd just start putting your foot down. Tell her to butt the f out. Have your FI talk to her. Imagine how she's going to act if/when you have children. Yikes!

blues28

Well you don't even want this so try to have your huband speak to his mother and explain that you two are in fact married.

If you want you can have a vow renewal. Since your parents are paying for it I would try to remind your MIL of this(or have your husband remind her of this). Hopefully then she will let you plan it with your husband the way you want it.

Maggie0829

So why are you even planning this thing if you and your FI don't want it?  I understand that she is pissed because she didn't have a say in your wedding but this is ridiculous and also a waste of money on their part.  Like PP said, put on your big girl pants and tell her no to everything and remind her that lots of brides (like myself) do not get married in a church but their marriages are just as real as those that do.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-issues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8a7ca95f-b2a5-459c-ae2f-702ff57334e4Post:275892b7-6c07-410d-a4a6-27ace0021c30">MIL issues</a>:
[QUOTE]let the b*tching begin.. My husband and I, got married on my 25th birthday in court. BUT that wasn't good enough for my MIL. So, I was told that I NEEDED to get married in church by my MIL or it wasn't a real marriage. (The reason we didn't get married in church was we don't have the money. I also didn't want to have to plan one, all I wanted was to marry him) Our parents agreed to fund the wedding (BAD CHOICE to let them.) So I'm now planning a wedding which doesn't even feel like mine. She complained about the bridal party.. how his sister and brother are not in it... AND she doesn't mention the fact that MY BROTHER isn't in the bridal party. I'm pretty sure he's family, he's been there for me since I was born ....They are in the wedding, just not in the entourage... they are the " veil & cord " . She also told me that I didn't have a enough sponsors, so she continued to pick out who she feels should be the sponsor.. what else.. oh yeah, she then moved on to my bouquet.. she insisted on changing that too... she picked out different flowers and different colors, that didn't go with the color theme... she also said how the wedding was getting to be to "extravagant" and how it was supposed to be simple.. I really don't think getting a photo booth is way over the top? It's something fun to do and a great favor (in my opinion atleast.)  Single stem calla lillies for the bridesmaids, and a bouquet of white and tiffany blue calla lillies is for me . the usual photographer and videographer limo and dj? Is anything over the top in that list ? and that isn't all of it... just the ones that happened in the past two days... oh and my mother, she only complained about the bridemaid dresses, which my MIL didn't see (that would've been a heated argument).. anyone have any tips how to survive the next couple of months? or how to deal with her need to control everything in my wedding.
Posted by j0yLYNN[/QUOTE]

Is your H in a coma and unable to tell her to get bent?

j0yLYNN

She's super religious. So it has to be in a church..I eventually would want to get married in church, but I was pressured into doing it this year. and I DID SAY NO to this wedding, I told them I rather get a house. The fathers and my mother agreed it would be better to go that route but my MIL would not have it. Doesn't matter how much I refuse she will not listen to me and just say I'm being rude, disrespectful ect.. She won't even listen to my husband. (I'm going with she still sees him as her baby since he's the youngest.) & a few other things that make it harder ... we live with my parents, and stay with his parents during the weekend (we have twins, so they have to see them or they'll just show up at my door..I rather go there then listen to them complain about my parents house.) So we had to have the wedding to avoid more complaints from her ( trust me theres a lot..) and just get it over with... i know it sounds bad.. but I will say I am enjoying the planning, when she's not around.

& when this is all done.. i'm moving far away, very far away.

OliveOilsMom

You probably didn't say no, loud enough for her then.  If your parents and FIL think its better you buy a house instead of this vow renewal then you need to team up.  I think you need all 5 of you to sit down and have an intervention with MIL now!  Save your parents the money and cancel everything.  She will get over herself eventually.  If it were me, I would just stop speaking with her when she mentions the need to have the marriage blessed and ignore her until she brings up another topic.  She will get the hint eventually.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-issues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8a7ca95f-b2a5-459c-ae2f-702ff57334e4Post:c14cb484-f4cf-4d14-9b86-c3e2549e16fe">Re: MIL issues</a>:
[QUOTE]She's super religious. So it has to be in a church..I eventually would want to get married in church, but I was pressured into doing it this year. and I DID SAY NO to this wedding , I told them I rather get a house. The fathers and my mother agreed it would be better to go that route but my MIL would not have it. Doesn't matter how much I refuse she will not listen to me and just<strong> say I'm being rude, disrespectful ect..</strong> She won't even listen to my husband. (I'm going with she still sees him as her baby since he's the youngest.) & a few other things that make it harder ... we live with my parents, and stay with his parents during the weekend (we have twins, so they have to see them or they'll just show up at my door..I rather go there then listen to them complain about my parents house.) So we had to have the wedding to avoid more complaints from her ( trust me theres a lot..) and just get it over with... i know it sounds bad.. but I will say I am enjoying the planning, when she's not around. & when this is all done.. i'm moving far away, very far away.
Posted by j0yLYNN[/QUOTE]

Hold the phone. You live with your parents <u>and</u> his parents <em>and</em> you have kids?
Why don't you live on your own like real adults? No wonder his mother still sees him as a little kid. He is one.

Maggie0829

You are an adult and you do not have to do anything that you don't want to do.  If you don't want to have a vow renewal/convalidation right now then don't.  SAY NO!  You do not need her permission to do anything...if you want to buy a house then buy a freaking house...it might actually be the best thing for your family since living with your parents and his parents isn't the best situation.

Grow a pair and tell her to back the f*ck off!

twotimemob

If I were you, I would cancel all plans.  You are already married, MIL is just going to have to get over it.

j0yLYNN

An intervention sounds good, I'll try it out this weekend. lol. I DO need to stand up to her more I get that. I'm still going through with the wedding/vow renewal .. it saves me from doing it again down the line, because I do want to get married in church. I just wish she would shut up and let me do it the way I imagine it and not the way she wants it.

shadowkat08

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-issues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8a7ca95f-b2a5-459c-ae2f-702ff57334e4Post:8fd4d42f-04ae-4810-baaa-95a44de0b9b9">Re: MIL issues</a>:
[QUOTE] I do want to get married in church 
Posted by j0yLYNN[/QUOTE]

<div>Not to rain on your parade, but unless you divorce and get remarried, you will never be married in a church. Sorry.</div><div>
</div><div>You're married now, the only thing you can do now is a vow renewal in a church. </div><div>
</div><div>Do it the way you want, and if you want the dress, bridal party, and the whole nine yards. But it still won't be a wedding.</div></div>

ootmother2

If she continues to ignore your protests, just pull a no show.  She can't force you

Meghannsix

Agreed.  Just stop.  If you could use the money for something else, like buying a house and living like grown ups, definitely that is the best decision.  And on a side note, the random lol after the intervention this weekend, did I miss something funny?

nlindsay17

If your MIL wanted a vow renwal  in a church then she should be wasting her money on the sham. It seems that no one in either family has the balls to speak up to this lady.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-issues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8a7ca95f-b2a5-459c-ae2f-702ff57334e4Post:8fd4d42f-04ae-4810-baaa-95a44de0b9b9">Re: MIL issues</a>:
[QUOTE]An intervention sounds good, I'll try it out this weekend. lol. I DO need to stand up to her more I get that. I'm still going through with the wedding/vow renewal .. it saves me from doing it again down the line, because<strong> I do want to get married in church</strong> . I just wish she would shut up and let me do it the way I imagine it and not the way she wants it.
Posted by j0yLYNN[/QUOTE]

Did I miss something?  YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED!!!  Having this big "wedding" now just looks tacky and gift grabby.  If being recognized by the church is that important to you then have a simple convalidation service, meaning no big pouffy dress, no reception, no first dance, no cake, no anything wedding.

I am sorry your MIL is pissed that she missed out throwing a huge shabang of a wedding but your and your H decided to get married the way you did because that is what you wanted at the time.  You cannot make up for it now...everyone knows that you are married and if I were one of your guests, I would be side-eyeing the whole crazy thing the entire time.

Save everyone a lot of money and cancel everything.  Your MIL will just have to get over it.

djoann958

That woman is crazy. To spend money on a wedding celebration when you have children and don't even have your own place is an irresponsible use of money. You, your husband and your poarents need to get together and put a stop to this. You are married and have children- stop letting her push you around. You need your own place as a family and that is where you priorities should be right now. If you really want a ceremony in a church you can do a simple service that doesn't cost a lot of money or wait and do a bigger vow renewal at a later time. It's all about adult responsibilities and priorities.

Muffin'sMom

Since when does your MIL drive the bus in your family?  That's the problem...not this completely over the top vow renewal.  Why are you getting all of this stuff if she wants simple and you didn't want to do it at all.  Sounds to me like you have jumped in to the princess bride role with ease...just sayin.
If she does this now and you let her get away with it, it's going to be a circus when you have kids.

edit:
ok....WOW.  You live between both sets of parents WITH kids.  Someone here has their priorities completely out of whack...

jmconley08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-issues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8a7ca95f-b2a5-459c-ae2f-702ff57334e4Post:163c8d8d-784a-4340-b80b-b1643b48a4bb">Re: MIL issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Your MIL sounds crazy. Did you and your FI explain to her that your marriage is very real even though it didn't take place in a church setting? Does she think having every little detail the way she wants is going to make it "real?" I'd just start putting your foot down. Tell her to butt the f out. Have your FI talk to her. <strong>Imagine how she's going to act if/when you have children. Yikes!
</strong>Posted by mbody[/QUOTE]

yikes indeed! tell her to back off now!