Moms and Maids

FMIL Advice/Help

I apologize if this is lengthy...

I really need some advice about dealing with my FMIL and how overbearing she can be. Let me preface this by saying I appreciate how excited she is about our wedding but things are quickly spiraliing out of control and I don't know what to do without hurting feelings.

Here is the backstory - my fiance and I have been together almost 7 years, we're both very close to both our families. He just proposed in October so we don't even have a date or venue yet and we're just trying to enjoy the holidays this year before the craziness starts. The only thing we've planned is the bridal party. He has a twin sister and over the past 7 years we've become like sisters ourselves so I asked her to be MOH. Well, his mom seems to  now think she is MOH! She has begun planning everything from the bridal shower to the bachelorette party with no input from anyone. It's a sweet gesture, but again - we don't even have a date! Also - I think she is living vicariously through me and my MOH (her daughter) because she didn't have a wedding herself. Everything she is planning is SO not me (really tacky invitations, male strippers - seriously.) and I am in need of a way to let her down gently. We already told her she can be in charge of making and sending Save the Dates (she runs some greeting card website that is not my taste at all but we knew this meant something to her so we told her when the time is right she can create and send those), but she is really going out of control with all these other plans.

My other 5 BMs also know me very, very well (2 sisters, a cousin and 2 friends from childhood). I want them to plan the shower and Bachelorette along with my MOH and I really need my FMIL to stay out of the planning of those things. She can be very overgearing and one step in the wrong direction (aka not going along with EVERYTHING she wants) causes her to become (for lack of a better word) downright nasty. She's amazing and sweet 99% of the time, but the few times I have disagreed with her were brutal and I see some unpleasantness already coming out if I don't jump for joy over her ideas related to the wedding. My Fiance understands and he has tried to talk to her, but again - she gets nasty. It's her way of the highway. My MOH knows me well and knows what I want but she has been taught to basically go along with whatever her mom wants or suffer the wrath as well. I don't know what to do! Any advice is appreciated. I just want my girls to plan these events because they are all looking forwrad to it so much and I need my FMIL to take a step back. Thanks for any help ladies!

Re: FMIL Advice/Help

  • Thanks for the advice!

    As info - I'm fully aware that she has say in anything his family is paying for. That's why when we told her she could do Save the Dates I knew I'd really have no say in them. Despite the fact that we don't even HAVE a date or enagement pics she already showed me what they will look like. I definitely don't love them, but I appreciate it and it's fully up t her how they look since she is making/sending them. My family is paying for the ceremony/reception and my fiance and I will be covering costs like photographer and DJ. Therefore, you're right. I need to set the expectation now that if I want her help, I will ask for it, but she needs to wait for me to initiate that and stop trying to create "her" dream shower/bachelorette party/wedding. Thank you!
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    You and FI need to get on this same page now.  If she gets nasty, you and your FI need to know how to handle it.  Example of what you could do:

    FMIL:  I want to have all the BM in big puffy sleeves and tiny black hats.
    FI: We haven't decided on BM attire yet.  But thanks for your opinion.
    FMIL: You hooligans!  You have no idea how to throw an elegant affair.  Listen to my idea now!
    FI: We cannot speak to you when you are like this.  Please calm down or we will leave (hang up).
    FMIL:  $!(&#%#*%(& you! 

    At this point you would leave.  You need to show FMIL that you have set boundaries and when she crosses them, you will act accordingly.  And my example above shows FI speaking with his mom.  This is how it should be.  But if you are cornered into a similar conversation without FI, act the same way. 

    Retread - Glad to see the orange bar above your name on this board!

  • Thank you for the advice!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    In Response to FMIL Advice/Help:
    Got the reassurance/advice I needed. Thank you for your input ladies :)
    Posted by danicaandjason
    Please don't delete your posts. Your question could have helped others in similar situations.
                
  • edited December 2012
    Well  I apologize. Wasn't trying to be "dirty" in any way. Here you go - original restored.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Thank you danica.
    Congratulations on your engagement and welcome to the boards.

                
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