Bridezilla or Bridesmaidzilla? (Super long story/post...sorry)

AnyaK

A couple of my bridesmaids got mad at me because I got emotional when three (out of 7) of them sat me down and said they were concerned about the cost of the dress I had picked out ($178) and wanted me to re-evaluate the dress I had chosen six months prior to this conversation.

I had tried so hard to find a dress that worked for everyone because every single person had a specific request to fulfill.  I finally found one that worked for everyone and got a lot of great feedback including two out the three that sat me down for my intervention.  I told them to let me know if the cost of this dress was a problem and only my best friend (co-maid of honor with my sister since I couldn't decide) said it might be an issue so I planned on helping her if she asked me.  I also asked my bridesmaids to tell me if they needed me to front the money and put it on my credit card but nobody spoke up.  Since everyone seemed happy, I ordered linens and planned other details to tie in their dress.

Nobody expressed any negativity until we went into the store for sizing and to get it before late charges set in and THEN it was an issue and these three decided to pull numerous other dresses to try on instead of getting sized for the dress I picked.  Since I got frustrated and said it was just too late to change things when everyone had been happy before and the complete 180 at this point was unfair, they got mad at me and said I wasn't thinking about them.  I told them that I really wanted them to be a bridesmaid but understood that there is an expense and if they needed to decline due to finances I would be sad but would understand.

Two out of the three put up a HUGE fuss (ie: it sucks we have to do this, why can't you disregard some other bridesmaid requests for the dress to get a cheaper one, I'm never going to wear it again, can't believe you are threatening us with the ultimatem to get this dress or back out of the wedding, etc.) but eventually decided they would buy the dress (with little to no remorse of their actions).  However, my best childhood friend, also the co-maid of honor, decided she didn't want to be in the wedding at all.  Since she had been upfront about costs and my best friend, I offered to help.  However, she felt I wasn’t taking her into consideration when instead of letting her pick her own dress on her $100 budget, I would rather help her pay for the more expensive one that I had come to really really love.  I told her to please change her mind as I desperately wanted to share my special day with her and I went as far as paying for her dress and told her to just call in the measurements but she never called. I am not having a bridal shower (to save the bridesmaids money) and my sister is taking care of the bachelorette party from afar so my best friend really didn't even have to deal with many of the financial burdens and responsibilities that come with being a MOH.  I was even preparing for her to say she couldnt go to the bachellorette party but backing out altogether was completely unexpected from someone I've been best freinds with for twenty years.  I haven't reached out to her in the past two months since it happened because I'm just so utterly devestated and shocked and she hasn't reached out to me either.  I'm struggling with figuring out how to get over the fact that she is actively choosing not to share my special day with me.  I don't know if I can.

I don’t think I was being unreasonable in standing my ground but with the reactions from these three girls (not one…but THREE), I feel like maybe I’m missing something and maybe somebody on these boards can shed some light on this behavior that I just don’t understand.  

Am I being a bridezilla because I didn’t want to change the dress that I had fallen in love with so late into the planning process?  Or are my bridesmaids being bridesmaidzilla’s with their request AND their reactions?

In case anyone is wondering, here is the dress in question... http://www.dessy.com/dresses/bridesmaid/6556p/#.T4uEcqs7WAi  

NicoleBreeze2013

I don't think at all your unreasonable you asked what they wanted and found a dress... Iam the MOH in my best friends wedding there is five of us she asked what we wanted and found a dress it costs 350 without any alterations, I'm saving for my wedding and on a tight budget at the moment she is my best friend and I would NEVER say anything to upset her about her wedding

calliopeia2013

Is it possible that once they actually saw the dress in person or tried it on, the decided either that they ddin't like it or that it wasn't worth the price?  That seems to make sense given what I can get from your timeline.

Look, I definitely think your bridesmaids have been kind of failing at communication, especially your best friend, since refusing to buy the dress when you offered to pay the difference seems really weird to me and sounds like she's masking the real reason she doesn't want to do it.  (Out of curiousity, is she one of the "heavier women" you mentioned?  Maybe there's something about the dress that she thinks is unflattering and feels embarrassed to talk about it?)

But I also think insisting on a specific dress, instead of letting the BMs pick their own, when you're getting any sort of pushback at all, is not the right decision.  I'm not sure it rises to the level of bridezilla, but I don't think it's being the best friend you could be, either.

SB1512

Personally, I don't think $178 is expensive for a BM dress.  My wedding is way off so I haven't asked people to be in my wedding, with the exception of my sister b/c she obviously will be, she's my sis.  Anyways she keeps talking about wanting to wear a Jcrew BM dress and I'm like, uhhhhh those are upwards of $350 we'll have to see what everyone's budget is.  So yeah, to me, $178 isn't too bad since I've got my sister cramming an expensive brand down my throat (I'm hoping once I choose other BM's their budget shoot her down, I just see no need to pay that much for a dress!)

AnyaK

I just wanted to thank everyone for your replies.  I still think that I had some valid reasons to be frustrated, but I’m beginning to understand more where they were coming from, too.  So, thank you.  I think communication ended up being a big problem on both ends.  In the end, what really matters is that the two girls who were upset but got the dress decided that all of the dress stuff was trivial in the big picture and they decided that they wanted to be there with me to share such a momentous occasion.  I will have to make sure to try and really express how important they are to me in the next few months leading up to the big day.

As for my best friend who backed out through email and hasn’t talked to me since….I guess I’m at a loss and will most likely remain that way for quite awhile.  I hear what some of you are saying and I think you’re right….I think emotions were running high and there were different ways to handle the situation… from both sides.  I did not behave as well as I could have and could have been a more understanding friend.  However, when it comes down to it I did TRY to figure out a compromise…I didn’t just do nothing.  Yet, unlike the other two, my friend of 20 years decided that even after I expressed how much I wanted her there and how I wanted to make this work… she decided her best route was to not be in the wedding when the only thing I had been asking from her was what this board says (get a dress…which I wanted to help with to make it work… and be at the wedding).  It’s just…heartbreaking.  I sent her an invitation recently but I just can’t help thinking how wrong it is going to feel with her in the audience instead of standing up there with me…something I have been visualizing ever since we were kids.   

To the poster who argued this is a prime example of why people should pick different dresses…in retrospect, I would have to agree (but do it from the start).  I’d also say that less is more when it comes to the number of bridesmaids.  I don’t mean I personally should have had less bridesmaids because I love them all dearly….but if any other brides can get away with less then do it.  The more people there are, the more conflicting opinions there are and, consequently, increases the chance someone(s) will be unhappy.  This does not make it easy on the bride OR the bridesmaids.

redheadtmk

I have to say this would be a huge pet peeve for me. I am pretty blunt and straight forward and my friends know this. They love me for my honesty and most have learned to be more straight forward with me than they are normally comfortable with. (No passive agressive, beat around the bush stuff). If you tell me you are ok with a dress then I would be pissed to hear differently when it was time to order. If your financial circumstances or weight has changed drastically I would be more understanding. I do not have the patience to deal with that kind of drama especially after busting my butt to find a dress that fit everyones requirements. I give you kudos for not totally flipping out.

Of course I had absolutely no requirements for my girls other than the dress be long and blue. Any shade of blue. That eliminated just about any problem that could have occurred.

Magdeline687

I think that your friends are being unreasonable. They had months to speak up. Now that they are changing their minds at the last second, it is incredibly frustrating and upsetting. If some of them have ordered the dress, there is no going back. If I were you, I would apologize to my friends for the misunderstanding (even though it isn't exactly your fault), tell them I couldn't imagine the day with them, and reiterate the offer to pay for the remainder of the dress. Tone will be everything during that conversation.

TaraKeeley

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all, but weddings can bring out the worst in people, and it looks like some of your bridesmaids are those people :o\ It seems to me that you communicated clearly and they didnt, but at this point, for the sake of the wedding and the friendships, all you can do is reach out and ask what they think would be a good resolution. From there perhaps you can compromise.




In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridezilla-or-bridesmaidzilla-super-long-storypostsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:91cfb8d3-2d6c-4b6d-bf8e-a440081b1ceePost:f84b6317-7dc4-4550-83fe-cec4cc8ac747">Bridezilla or Bridesmaidzilla? (Super long story/post...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]A couple of my bridesmaids got mad at me because I got emotional when three (out of 7) of them sat me down and said they were concerned about the cost of the dress I had picked out ($178) and wanted me to re-evaluate the dress I had chosen six months prior to this conversation. I had tried so hard to find a dress that worked for everyone because every single person had a specific request to fulfill.  I finally found one that worked for everyone and got a lot of great feedback including two out the three that sat me down for my intervention.  I told them to let me know if the cost of this dress was a problem and only my best friend (co-maid of honor with my sister since I couldn't decide) said it might be an issue so I planned on helping her if she asked me.  I also asked my bridesmaids to tell me if they needed me to front the money and put it on my credit card but nobody spoke up.  Since everyone seemed happy, I ordered linens and planned other details to tie in their dress. Nobody expressed any negativity until we went into the store for sizing and to get it before late charges set in and THEN it was an issue and these three decided to pull numerous other dresses to try on instead of getting sized for the dress I picked.  Since I got frustrated and said it was just too late to change things when everyone had been happy before and the complete 180 at this point was unfair, they got mad at me and said I wasn't thinking about them.  I told them that I really wanted them to be a bridesmaid but understood that there is an expense and if they needed to decline due to finances I would be sad but would understand. Two out of the three put up a HUGE fuss (ie: it sucks we have to do this, why can't you disregard some other bridesmaid requests for the dress to get a cheaper one, I'm never going to wear it again, can't believe you are threatening us with the ultimatem to get this dress or back out of the wedding, etc.) but eventually decided they would buy the dress (with little to no remorse of their actions).  However, my best childhood friend, also the co-maid of honor, decided she didn't want to be in the wedding at all.  Since she had been upfront about costs and my best friend, I offered to help.  However, she felt I wasn’t taking her into consideration when instead of letting her pick her own dress on her $100 budget, I would rather help her pay for the more expensive one that I had come to really really love.  I told her to please change her mind as I desperately wanted to share my special day with her and I went as far as paying for her dress and told her to just call in the measurements but she never called. I am not having a bridal shower (to save the bridesmaids money) and my sister is taking care of the bachelorette party from afar so my best friend really didn't even have to deal with many of the financial burdens and responsibilities that come with being a MOH.  I was even preparing for her to say she couldnt go to the bachellorette party but backing out altogether was completely unexpected from someone I've been best freinds with for twenty years.  I haven't reached out to her in the past two months since it happened because I'm just so utterly devestated and shocked and she hasn't reached out to me either.  I'm struggling with figuring out how to get over the fact that she is actively choosing not to share my special day with me.  I don't know if I can. I don’t think I was being unreasonable in standing my ground but with the reactions from these three girls (not one…but THREE), I feel like maybe I’m missing something and maybe somebody on these boards can shed some light on this behavior that I just don’t understand.   Am I being a bridezilla because I didn’t want to change the dress that I had fallen in love with so late into the planning process?  Or are my bridesmaids being bridesmaidzilla’s with their request AND their reactions? In case anyone is wondering, here is the dress in question...  <a href="http://www.dessy.com/dresses/bridesmaid/6556p/#.T4uEcqs7WAi" rel="nofollow">http://www.dessy.com/dresses/bridesmaid/6556p/#.T4uEcqs7WAi</a>   
Posted by AnyaK[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User]

your friends are being so rude!  if you took the time and effort to take their feelings, comfort, and budget into consideration in the first place, that is terrible of them to wait this long to tell you otherwise.  they are taking advantage of you and that is so sad!